About DH and housework

[Daisiesandducks]

So should prob be in relationships as am feeling a bit unhappy just at the moment.

I’m in my 40s and have only been with DH for three and a half years. Before that, I lived alone and so I suppose I was used to doing my own thing when I wanted to. I’m not one of those Mumsnetters who see that as living the dream, in fact a lot of the time I was lonely and unhappy, but it’s probably relevant as in some ways I’ve struggled to adapt to sharing a house with someone.

DH has decided that Saturday mornings are clear up times, where tbh I’d rather chill a bit. But even if I felt like I could I can’t as he constantly asks me about things and also (I find myself getting so irrationally angry about this) messes up stuff I’ve done. So I’d folded some vests of DCs and some clothes she’d outgrown. DH says are these outgrown and picks up all the vests, so have to fold them again.

I’m starting to feel a bit like a lazy teenager who needs to be given chores and it makes me feel resentful.

You should maybe consider exploring ASD.

There aren't only 2 choices in the world-miserable alone or with this DH. Maybe you are more suited to a non cohabiting relationship.

There are a few things that are odd. Firstly you attribute housework issue to being married rather than becoming a mum.

If you are both working ft could you stretch to a cleaner so your down time is free?

Do you ever get time at home alone? Maybe this would help.

You do sound unhappy. Do you get time away to do fun stuff without DC?

How is your relationship with DH when it's just the 2 of you?

I’m not sure what I have said that indicates ASD, other than interpreting ‘cooking’ as actually preparing and well, cooking, a meal.

If there is something else I’d be interested, but what?

I think you are being unreasonable op. Get the housework done and out the way ASAP and then sit and chill out.

How can you chill out when stuff needs doing? I'd rather get it done and relax after.

It’s not really about that, @LottyD32

It’s up to you what you do. What you’re saying is the equivalent of me saying that you can’t do the housework when you want to, because of a unilateral decision I’ve made on behalf of us both.

Ok-
Black and white thinking
Need for control
Need for own routine
Inflexible
Literal interpretation of words
Abruptness of tone
Tendency towards negative thoughts
Lack of long term relationships
Focus on a very specific detail
Dislike of interuptions
Need for down time
Need for own space
Simple meals
Lack of emotion in decision making

I don’t think it’s really a need for control or own routine, tbh. It’s just that by the time the weekend comes I’m pretty shattered and not really in the mood for springing out of bed and running round with a hoover.

I interpreted one thing literally - I don’t think that’s particularly indicative of ASD. Others said the same.

I don’t think I’ve been abrupt with anyone who hasn’t responded to me in kind. You simply can’t expect to be snide and unpleasant and have a beaming sunny response.

Need for down time / own space - perhaps, except I get none. I mean, literally, none. I even get followed into the shower. It could be ASD, it could just be wanting some space.

The lack of long term relationships is more to do with being as attractive as the back end of a Blackpool tram than ASD.

I don’t know which specific detail I’ve zoned in on - apologies.

Generally I am very flexible. I couldn’t have gone along with the ‘today we are cleaning’ thing if not. What gets me down isn’t so much the cleaning, it’s as someone said above, suddenly being expected to go along with it without prior discussion, consultation or explanation.

I am tired. DD slept badly this week, very badly. I had an exceptionally busy week at work. I really, really wanted to just lie in bed for an hour or so. Twelve hours later, I have ASD, starve my child and am an irredeemable slob. This is a joke, by the way.

Is it possible that he is aware of how things can easily build up and is wanting to get it out of the way so that the rest of the weekend can be truly relaxing without much in the way of work?

DP has got on board with this idea very recently and the entire house is far easier to keep under control, calmer and more organised with the two of us doing a few things at the same time at the weekend, then doing bits throughout the week. It even makes the easily put off jobs manageable, too, as there aren't a hundred other things waiting to be done first, too.

He's always resisted it before (not NT) and would generally hide away as I did it all - which didn't make me feel great to have to spend all my downtime making the place habitable - but as he's given it a go, he's decided that it does actually help him compared to trying to block it all out or attempt to ignore everything waiting to be done. And it makes me feel calmer that he's taking an active role with me and what I want - a calm, organised home - is something he is prepared to work with me on because it makes me happier.