About DH and housework

[Daisiesandducks]

So should prob be in relationships as am feeling a bit unhappy just at the moment.

I’m in my 40s and have only been with DH for three and a half years. Before that, I lived alone and so I suppose I was used to doing my own thing when I wanted to. I’m not one of those Mumsnetters who see that as living the dream, in fact a lot of the time I was lonely and unhappy, but it’s probably relevant as in some ways I’ve struggled to adapt to sharing a house with someone.

DH has decided that Saturday mornings are clear up times, where tbh I’d rather chill a bit. But even if I felt like I could I can’t as he constantly asks me about things and also (I find myself getting so irrationally angry about this) messes up stuff I’ve done. So I’d folded some vests of DCs and some clothes she’d outgrown. DH says are these outgrown and picks up all the vests, so have to fold them again.

I’m starting to feel a bit like a lazy teenager who needs to be given chores and it makes me feel resentful.

Perhaps it would help to agree a division of chores, and you do them when it suits you

That way, you're both doing your share, bit when you want to do it

@Turningpurple no, I did not. Someone else said did you do half a job and I said no

I’m reluctant to go down the division of chores route tbh. I don’t really want criticism if ‘mine’ aren’t done.

@notanothertakeaway

Perhaps it would help to agree a division of chores, and you do them when it suits you

That way, you're both doing your share, bit when you want to do it

I really don't like the idea of chores being divided like that as it's so easy for the lazier person to just not bother for days on end.

For example, if someone's job is laundry, what's to stop them just letting it all pile up for days on end so nobody has clean clothes?

The same goes for dishes. Someone could say "oh, I'll do them after work/when I fancy it" but that just means the other person is either left with no dishes or a sink full of clutter all ay long.

Obviously this week it was annoying for you because he suddenly decided to clean and you were in “relax mode”, but for future weeks you could set aside Saturday mornings for cleaning together then it gets the chores out of the way and you can enjoy the rest of the weekend. It doesn’t have to be a strict regime but it sounds pretty sensible to me. I think you need to compromise, you don’t live alone anymore you have a family now.

You sound pathetically miserable over what is such an insignificant issue. You say you were really unhappy alone. Your being very dramatically miserable now over your DH wanting to clean. Perhaps your just a pessimistic person & you need to lighten up? It honestly sounds like nothing would please you. You want to do what you want when you want without compromise but you also don’t want to be alone. That just isn’t an option.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz ok thanks.

@CallMeDaddy58. I did say at the start of my OP I’m unhappy. I’m sorry if that doesn’t really suit you.

Not sure why you're getting such a hard time, OP. Your partner sounds controlling and annoying. He doesn't notice or disrespects the housework you do, and speaks to you like you're a wayward employee.

I would tell him it's fine if he wants to spend Saturday morning doing chores, but you don't. You're both adults, neither of you gets to control the other's time. Maybe it's a good time for you to go out somewhere by yourself, or maybe you can have a long lie in with a good book while he does whatever chores he deems necessary in the house?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz the same thought crossed my mind

You lot are grinning and laughing. I’ve been in tears. And no, it’s not just the housework thing.

I genuinely misunderstood a post. I’m not sure how or why that makes me a ‘stroppy teen.’ But it’s possible I am, and I am with a good man and I am a piece of shit. I suspect I am, I’ve always suspected this, but what I’m trying to say is it doesn’t really change the fact I’m so miserable and frustrated.

My OH calls me a 'student' and he isn't wrong! I haven't grown up at all! Haha, lucky him!

I think you can defo compromise on this. Perhaps your DH wants to clean in Saturday morning so he can chill out for the rest of the weekend in a clean home? I think that's fine tbh, makes sense and isn't "wrong" it's just a different way of doing things.

Why don't you say to him you really don't fancy cleaning on Saturday morning but you'll do a clean after the kids are in bed mid week, so Tuesday or Wednesday evening so things stay tidy throughout the week?

You could use the conversation to split the chores.

@Daisiesandducks

You lot are grinning and laughing. I’ve been in tears. And no, it’s not just the housework thing.

I genuinely misunderstood a post. I’m not sure how or why that makes me a ‘stroppy teen.’ But it’s possible I am, and I am with a good man and I am a piece of shit. I suspect I am, I’ve always suspected this, but what I’m trying to say is it doesn’t really change the fact I’m so miserable and frustrated.

OP maybe make a new thread in relationships to discuss what's going on in your relationship to make you feel so low. For some reason you get a lot of dickheads in AIBU who are just looking for someone to have a go at. The relationships board tends to get less traffic and more decent posters xx

OP I get you and I'm sorry these responses are upsetting you. I grew up in a house that when the parent suddenly decided to go on a cleaning blitz, you had to drop whatever you were doing - inc homework - and pitch in or face a weekend of shouting and stress. I also briefly lived with a boyfriend who did much the same. He was more 'into' cleaning than me, but when he decided to do it, he expected me to do it too. If I continued what I was originally doing he would huff and bang around and really put me on edge.

I live alone now, and am admittedly messy - though the place is clean, just stuff everwhere If I ever live with someone again I know there'll need to be some compromise on both sides. I don't think someone should have to pick up after me or live in 'my mess', and will make sure I pull my weight around the house, but equally I will absolutely push back against someone dictating to me what housework I do and when.

I also think that if an OP said 'I like to blitz on a Saturday morning and DH just wants to sit around and relax' there would be a few more responses saying 'let him chill for a bit, you're being controlling etc'.

It's the way you are responding that made me put a smile face. You don't want to go into the minute detail of the routine, but you want to talk about the routine and how it doesn't work for you.

Then when people want more detail in order to give more informed feedback you get in a strop.

@CallMeDaddy58

You sound pathetically miserable over what is such an insignificant issue. You say you were really unhappy alone. Your being very dramatically miserable now over your DH wanting to clean. Perhaps your just a pessimistic person & you need to lighten up? It honestly sounds like nothing would please you. You want to do what you want when you want without compromise but you also don’t want to be alone. That just isn’t an option.

Yeah I’ve gotta say I agree with this. It does sound like you want to just be able to tidy or clean (or not) whenever you like, with no regard for your H, but you also don’t want him doing the chores you haven’t done when you don’t want him doing them. You said he has standards that apply to you but not him - are you saying he doesn’t actually pull his weight around the house?

Dividing the chores and actually doing your share when agreed would be a compromise but you don’t want that either because you don’t want to be criticised if you don’t do yours. Do you think he criticises you a lot unwarranted or is there truth in him complaining about you leaving mess (if he does complain?)

I don’t know what to suggest apart from getting separate houses?

Slight digress but do dc still wear vests these days? Haven't bought any since the popper ones!

@TibetanTerrah thank you so much, you have really helped articulate the issue. It’s the way you’re expected to drop everything NOW and it’s always to his tune. He doesn’t get stressy but it’s obvious that if I don’t join in with the cleaning that he feels I should.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz but the problem is, it’s not really a problem where it’s he did this and I did that. It’s more about feeling like my life isn’t really my own I’m struggling with.

@TedMullins I genuinely don’t feel I’m notably messy - or any better or worse than DH, really. I’m not perfect and when I’m busy and very tired and both apply this week then stuff does slip.

Dividing the chores and actually doing your share when agreed would be a compromise

The way you say ‘actually’ makes it sound like I don’t do my share, and I really do. Just not always at the exact moment DH decides it should be done.

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Slight digress but do dc still wear vests these days? Haven't bought any since the popper ones!

Considering she's been with her DH for 3 years I'd say the child is almost certainly still in popper vests

There really are some complete dicks around. Some of the comments on here to a woman who has said she's unhappy, feeling low and struggling are quite frankly, awful. So unnecessary.

@Daisiesandducks I have no idea why people are being such pricks to you, other than their own lives are sad and empty and they're craving attention. Unfortunately, they push you to a point where you're then missing the more helpful comments.

A couple of posters have made some good points and given fair advice, ignore the arseholes trying to make you feel worse and focus on them.

You’re right about that and when I read the thread through again I see them. It just felt it was turning into a ‘who cooks’ argument.

Have you been here long OP? It's pretty common to have posters latch on to the tiniest nuance of an OPs post and completely derail the thread

What I'm getting from your posts is that you don't have a problem pulling your weight around the house, but don't appreciate being dictated to like an underling and him acting like your boss. Can you tell him that?

As I said, his behaviour would make me really anxious and upset due to previous experience. The assumption by PPs that you're just lazy isn't fair, particularly if you're not NT.

@Daisiesandducks

You lot are grinning and laughing. I’ve been in tears. And no, it’s not just the housework thing.

I genuinely misunderstood a post. I’m not sure how or why that makes me a ‘stroppy teen.’ But it’s possible I am, and I am with a good man and I am a piece of shit. I suspect I am, I’ve always suspected this, but what I’m trying to say is it doesn’t really change the fact I’m so miserable and frustrated.

I suspect, however, that you are not necessarily with a good man. Because you can’t articulate your concerns and feelings to him. There must be a reason you can’t feel you can put your foot down about the criticisms - implied or otherwise.

Why are you so miserable and frustrated? Because you feel like your time is not your own, you’re being spoken to like a child and the house is not your own.

it seems that there are standards and expectations for me and these don’t apply to him

You somehow can’t articulate this to him but it’s a real feeling. Yet you are convinced it’s you that’s wrong, that you’re the one with an issue and he must be reasonable. You doubt this feeling is reasonable.

Why can’t you trust your instincts?

I think it’s absolutely fair enough to feel like he shouldn’t be the boss, he should get to unilaterally dictate who does what when, and you should be able to tell him that.

@TibetanTerrah

Have you been here long OP? It's pretty common to have posters latch on to the tiniest nuance of an OPs post and completely derail the thread

What I'm getting from your posts is that you don't have a problem pulling your weight around the house, but don't appreciate being dictated to like an underling and him acting like your boss. Can you tell him that?

As I said, his behaviour would make me really anxious and upset due to previous experience. The assumption by PPs that you're just lazy isn't fair, particularly if you're not NT.

This this this There have been some shitty replies from some posters

Back to the thread - yes, your dp is acting like a boss or manager
It's not on

Really hope you get it resolved

I wouldn't enjoy regimented cleaning with my husband. I don't clean in unison with my husband. I would hate those passive aggressive fake joking comments.

We have a once a week cleaner for 3 hours or so. I recommend it.

Sounds like you do all the organising of food for your child, if that's what we want to call it. Who buys the bread and whatever goes in the sandwiches? I bet it's you. I am struggling to see what he does other than performance blitz cleaning on a Saturday. So I think he is a long way from pulling his weight and I would be annoyed by this too.