About DH and housework

[Daisiesandducks]

So should prob be in relationships as am feeling a bit unhappy just at the moment.

I’m in my 40s and have only been with DH for three and a half years. Before that, I lived alone and so I suppose I was used to doing my own thing when I wanted to. I’m not one of those Mumsnetters who see that as living the dream, in fact a lot of the time I was lonely and unhappy, but it’s probably relevant as in some ways I’ve struggled to adapt to sharing a house with someone.

DH has decided that Saturday mornings are clear up times, where tbh I’d rather chill a bit. But even if I felt like I could I can’t as he constantly asks me about things and also (I find myself getting so irrationally angry about this) messes up stuff I’ve done. So I’d folded some vests of DCs and some clothes she’d outgrown. DH says are these outgrown and picks up all the vests, so have to fold them again.

I’m starting to feel a bit like a lazy teenager who needs to be given chores and it makes me feel resentful.

Tidy a whole house in 20 mins? I don’t think that’s very realistic.

I think you two need to discuss a cleaning rota. DH and I deep clean the house together at same time every Saturday morning. Just finished as a matter of fact. I think cleaning alone while the other reads or whatever would be deeply irritating to both parties. I also don’t like to leave cleaning to an ad hoc do it when you see it whenever type arrangement because invariably things do not get done or one person ends up doing more than their fair share. When you discuss a rota it is also an agreement in how clean you want your house to be...you have to agree on what standard of cleaning you can both live with.

No-one cooks?
WTF?
And I do not cook from scratch myself, but someone has to put the Findus chicken in the oven with a potato waffle, and the frozen peas in the microwave. So I’m not being snobby about getting the pestle and mortar out…
But surely somebody is assembling meals?

I think the solution to this is to agree VERY ENTHUSIASTICALLY with the ‘Saturday schedule’. Suggest you alternate looking after DC and doing the Saturday cleaning.

Take DC out to the park then a coffee shop on your mornings looking after DC. Opposite week he takes DC out and you spend the morning drinking coffee and resting at home, then ostentatiously throw some polish around and Febreeze around…

No you’re not, but you said yourself that you’re starting to feel like a lazy teenager. Perhaps he feels like he’s living with a lazy teenager.

But OP’s DH left his pyjamas on the floor too! OP you’ve said that doing the laundry and dishwasher ( bemuses me when people list this a chore because I thought it was supposed to save a chore) is your domain, but what is your husband’s?

@Comtesse

Tidy a whole house in 20 mins? I don’t think that’s very realistic.

Oh thank god. I was thinking about my house and

Whoops I got distracted halfway through my post and see that you have now answered the division of chore things. What do you eat if no one cooks?

Have you actually tried talking about this?

He’s not going to know unless you tell him.

Did he live alone before you moved in? What was his housework routine/standards like then?

For stuff like not loading the dishwasher “getting noticed” I’d use that as an opportunity to say the division of daily chores seemed very unfair so he was now in charge of the dishwasher because you do all laundry.

How can no one cook?

Your comment about folding vests is really telling. Why was it your job to fold them after he’d messed them up? Why wasn’t that his issue to fix?

What do you eat it no one cooks and why does your dh have no clothes 🤯

@Comtesse

Tidy a whole house in 20 mins? I don’t think that’s very realistic.

Two people tidying for 20 minutes is 40 minutes of tidying.

That's not going to mean the house is clean but it's easy to wipe down surfaces or run the vacuum around when there's not clothes and toys all over the floor or whatever.

I can't do anything until I know the answer to what do you eat if neither of you cooks?

@Comtesse

Tidy a whole house in 20 mins? I don’t think that’s very realistic.

But that's forty minutes of work with both of them doing it. Even if they do their twenty minutes separately (due to DC) that's not more than an hour.

Okay, it won't be spotless but you can get plenty done in an hour or so.

DC eats at nursery. I get a hot lunch at work and DH tends to have whatever for lunch - not really sure.

We have VERY different tastes and he is quite fussy and won’t eat some stuff I love, so it’s always just been whoever sorts whatever out!

Your child doesn’t eat 3x a day 7 days a week in nursery.

Are you leaving them all weekend with a box of Cheerios?!

@Daisiesandducks

DC eats at nursery. I get a hot lunch at work and DH tends to have whatever for lunch - not really sure.

We have VERY different tastes and he is quite fussy and won’t eat some stuff I love, so it’s always just been whoever sorts whatever out!

What about breakfast? Weekends? Surely someone cooks something at some point, even if it's just toast or something in the microwave.

It sounds like you're both used to living independently and neither of you really wants to compromise.

When you live with someone else, you can't just carry on like you live on your own. Both parties generally need to compromise a little bit.

You beat me to it. It's obviously up to you what you eat but I thought children were supposed to eat three meals a day?

@Cocomarine but five days she does. We quite often eat out at the weekend, or it’s a sandwich or similar.

I mean, someone asked who cooks and the honest answer is, as part of a regular routine, no one.

Oh the child eats 5 days a week? That's ok then

[quote Daisiesandducks]@Cocomarine but five days she does. We quite often eat out at the weekend, or it’s a sandwich or similar.

I mean, someone asked who cooks and the honest answer is, as part of a regular routine, no one.[/quote]
By cooking, people don't just mean preparing hot meals.

Making toast, preparing cereal, putting together a sandwich or heating up a pizza is all cooking and involves dirty dishes that someone needs to clear up...

Well, they do, pedantically.

But at weekends, we often eat out or we have a sandwich or similar. On the odd occasion someone cooks but it is an odd occasion, it’s not something I could say one person did disproportionately over another. Which is what the question was about, I thought.

@Crankley

Oh the child eats 5 days a week? That's ok then

Can you not read?

Regardless of whether you’re having family meals you all sit down to, there’s still food prep and cleaning up, yes? Someone prepares food for the DC each evening/morning, and then something for themselves? So someone has to ‘clean up’ or ‘cook’ - but you’re in charge of the dishwasher? Plus laundry.

So what daily task does he have that’s similarly time-consuming? Can’t he be in charge of ‘tidying up’ or ‘daily bathroom surface cleaning’?

What it sounds like is a mixture of you doing more than him then feeling resentful when he ‘notices’ that housework needs to be addressed - because weirdly you’ve internalised that this is your job! - and you both as a couple acting independently over household stuff & chores.

He could be a lazy controlling man child, or he could be a bloke who thinks all chores can wait till the weekend (because he’s not ‘counting’ the daily stuff because he’s not doing it so us blind to it). Dunno.

Yes I can. I was repeating what you wrote in your post: but five days she does.