About DH and housework

[Daisiesandducks]

So should prob be in relationships as am feeling a bit unhappy just at the moment.

I’m in my 40s and have only been with DH for three and a half years. Before that, I lived alone and so I suppose I was used to doing my own thing when I wanted to. I’m not one of those Mumsnetters who see that as living the dream, in fact a lot of the time I was lonely and unhappy, but it’s probably relevant as in some ways I’ve struggled to adapt to sharing a house with someone.

DH has decided that Saturday mornings are clear up times, where tbh I’d rather chill a bit. But even if I felt like I could I can’t as he constantly asks me about things and also (I find myself getting so irrationally angry about this) messes up stuff I’ve done. So I’d folded some vests of DCs and some clothes she’d outgrown. DH says are these outgrown and picks up all the vests, so have to fold them again.

I’m starting to feel a bit like a lazy teenager who needs to be given chores and it makes me feel resentful.

Squirrels - no. Tbh, I was posting about my relationship, not my parenting I’m sorry if I sound grouchy but I can already feel the thread starting to get really unhelpful.

So today DD has had cereal, I’ve been out for lunch with her, and this evening will probably be beans on toast or something. I’ll probably do that and put it in the dishwasher. However I don’t really want to list my exact movements during a typical week. I’m not bothered about things being exactly and 50% fair or when we’re. I’m actually totally losing track or why I did post because I’m listing a toddlers meals.

Do you know what - forget it. I was really low and how I feel a fuck of a lot worse.

Fucks sake.

You claimed no one cooked because you wantes to be pedantic about what cooking meant.

What you meant is that cooking is shared.

I think you are stuck in your ways and want to live like you did when you were alone. But not be alone. Its unrealistic.

@Daisiesandducks

Well yeah but that’s just the thing … I don’t really want to be living my life according to a rota, if I’m honest. It feels so joyless and like I say, makes me feel like a child. But it’s also possible that it’s normal and I just haven’t adapted because I’ve never really lived with anyone before.

I wouldn't say it's normal to have an official 'rota' so to speak, but I also think couples generally settle into a routine of who does what, and when it gets done - assuming you both work regular work hours. It's not to say you or he are right or wrong, but if you disagree on how things should be done, it is likely to cause problems in the future.

Squirrels - no. Tbh, I was posting about my relationship, not my parenting hmm I’m sorry if I sound grouchy but I can already feel the thread starting to get really unhelpful.

Oh, OK. Sorry! I’ve made absolutely no comments on your parenting and I DGAF what you feed your child! I was just trying to troubleshoot your domestic cleaning issues & it’s not possible to understand if you’re unreasonable or he is without knowing how you guys run the house.

Like I say, agree enthusiastically to the Saturday schedule and tell him it’s vital you have 3 hours in the house alone every other week to clean. Spend 30 minutes of them with a duster and the east doing what you want.

I’m not trying to be pedantic and it is possible I have some NT traits I am not aware of as when someone says to me something like ‘who cooks’ I honestly, genuinely, most sincerely do not imagine for a moment they mean giving DD a tangerine or whatever.

What I am finding hard is the following. It’s firstly that things have to be done NOW, when he decides they have to be done. So with the vests - someone asked if I had done half a job and the answer is yes because I was halfway through it. But he can’t wait for me to sort it because he is in clean the house mode and what is this, where is that.

Secondly I am feeling criticised. This is possibly unintentional but the ‘jokey’ comment yesterday has annoyed me and it seems that there are standards and expectations for me and these don’t apply to him. We have had an extremely busy (and quite stressful) couple of weeks and I haven’t been as on top of the laundry as I usually am so that’s been noticed. (Whoever asked about his laundry, of course things get cleaned but he just tends to have a top in there every other day and pants and socks or whatever whereas DD and I get through a lot more.)

I’m also struggling with lack of downtime and personal space and the housework feels like another manifestation of this, that I’m feeling a bit like I’m not at my own home but cleaning someone else’s.

@Daisiesandducks

I’m not trying to be pedantic and it is possible I have some NT traits I am not aware of as when someone says to me something like ‘who cooks’ I honestly, genuinely, most sincerely do not imagine for a moment they mean giving DD a tangerine or whatever.

You literally said Well, they do, pedantically.

It is really normal to have Saturday morning as cleaning time, so I can see where he’s coming from. Friday night is collapse/relax after long week at work and parenting, and if you don’t do ‘the clean’ at one time then you never get everything clean together do you? To have that tidy house feel? But your feelings are valid, I presume you’ve said something like:
I did x y and s this week and I didn’t drag you into it, you were doing whatever you wanted at those times and I didn’t intrude on them. Now, I need some of that from you too. Not I clean while you do whatever and you clean while you make me clean and throw insults at me. So on Saturdays I don’t want your cleaning to intrude on me until 10am and I don’t need any ‘jokes’ like your side of the bedroom is a tip. I will then do some cleaning. If you can’t allow me that time then I will go out and not do any more cleaning that day.

I mean, I’d be really clear about what I wanted and how it would be fair- my dh would know there’s no excuse to not make it fair!

Yes, in response to somebody saying that asking who cooks doesn’t just mean cooking food or whatever it was they say. I do understand you might say ‘cook’ a ready meal but you wouldn’t actually cook one but the point is for five days a week we don’t have to think about what she eats and for the other two it doesn’t tend to be anything complicated that causes ‘work’ if you rollow me.

@Daisiesandducks

What I am finding hard is the following. It’s firstly that things have to be done NOW, when he decides they have to be done. So with the vests - someone asked if I had done half a job and the answer is yes because I was halfway through it. But he can’t wait for me to sort it because he is in clean the house mode and what is this, where is that.

Secondly I am feeling criticised. This is possibly unintentional but the ‘jokey’ comment yesterday has annoyed me and it seems that there are standards and expectations for me and these don’t apply to him. We have had an extremely busy (and quite stressful) couple of weeks and I haven’t been as on top of the laundry as I usually am so that’s been noticed. (Whoever asked about his laundry, of course things get cleaned but he just tends to have a top in there every other day and pants and socks or whatever whereas DD and I get through a lot more.)

I’m also struggling with lack of downtime and personal space and the housework feels like another manifestation of this, that I’m feeling a bit like I’m not at my own home but cleaning someone else’s.

You weren't in the middle of it. You did some and just left them out and then were going to do more another day.

You want Saturday mornings to relaxing time so you haven't done them today?

I get it, you want your own space and to live how you want. But you live with someone else. If people wait for a time they want to do and the other person does, then it doesn't get done. Or you are constantly asking eachother 'shall we clean?'

You want to relax on Saturday mornings. He wants it out of the way.

So talk to him. Decide together.

@Daisiesandducks

What I am finding hard is the following. It’s firstly that things have to be done NOW, when he decides they have to be done. So with the vests - someone asked if I had done half a job and the answer is yes because I was halfway through it. But he can’t wait for me to sort it because he is in clean the house mode and what is this, where is that.

Secondly I am feeling criticised. This is possibly unintentional but the ‘jokey’ comment yesterday has annoyed me and it seems that there are standards and expectations for me and these don’t apply to him. We have had an extremely busy (and quite stressful) couple of weeks and I haven’t been as on top of the laundry as I usually am so that’s been noticed. (Whoever asked about his laundry, of course things get cleaned but he just tends to have a top in there every other day and pants and socks or whatever whereas DD and I get through a lot more.)

I’m also struggling with lack of downtime and personal space and the housework feels like another manifestation of this, that I’m feeling a bit like I’m not at my own home but cleaning someone else’s.

I think that whilst I totally understand you hate the idea of a rota, because it feels regressive, actually it would address some of this. Because then it wouldn’t be cleaning when HE decides, it would be cleaning when it’s the time WE decided to clean. And any snarky comments outside of that you can then say - we’ll do it tomorrow/on Saturday.

And if he “notices” laundry or dishwasher et you tell him to do it!

That’s why I was asking about who dies what. Because if he’s not doing his fair share regularly then yes, it is absolutely fucking galling that he should comment and I’d give him both barrels whilst handing him the job entirely.

You feel resentful because you’re doing more than him.

Divide up the rooms so same person always ss does the Bathroom(s) for example. Division of chores saves arguments as to who does what. I don't think your DH should be dictating when the housework is done.

@Turningpurple pardon? I was in the middle of folding vests.

I don’t know that I want to relax on Saturday mornings per se but a) I’d like to decide this and b) I’d like to relax sometime.

I would hate to have to clean and tidy on a Saturday morning. I tidy and clean during the week and weirdly often clean on a Friday evening with a glass of wine.

You need to talk to him about it!

Without knowing if you really are a complete slob, or you just do rough bits of cleaning but leave some things ‘acceptable’ or half done, it is hard to say whether either of you is clearly BU or not. It sounds more like a communication issue and inability to compromise, perhaps on both parts.

But I will say, I live alone and even I designate some time at the weekend to clean. I don’t necessarily do it the same time every Saturday morning but a deeper clean of my flat has to be done over a couple of hours at the weekend because I don’t have time or inclination to do it in the week, so I can see his logic here. If I moved a partner in I would be pissed off if they sat chilling while I cleaned around them, but the dynamic is slightly different as it’s my house and they’d be the newcomer. Maybe this is the problem - you’re still seeing it as ‘your’ house when technically now it is both of your homes, and he is entitled to want to live in a clean and tidy house. It honestly sounds like having a loose rota for both of you might be the answer.

Yes, I lived alone for around twenty years and I didn’t have Kim and Aggie round in that time but of course it’s easier to be tidy when it’s just you and you’re out at work most of the week anyway.

Saturday mornings are for relaxing!

We do Sunday 3pm or do, for an hour where we all pull together

@Daisiesandducks

Well, they do, pedantically.

But at weekends, we often eat out or we have a sandwich or similar. On the odd occasion someone cooks but it is an odd occasion, it’s not something I could say one person did disproportionately over another. Which is what the question was about, I thought.

It’s not pedantic, at all. It would be more pedantic to replace the simple word “cook” with “opens tin and empties into saucepan and stirs whilst putting bread in toaster…”

Somebody has to: decide what the child is eating, sort that out “cook it” and clear it away.

That’s what you were being asked - whether that was fairly split.

Instead of saying, “yeah, that’s not an issue” you went into accusing others of pedantry because you were denying that feeding yourself child creates any work.

@Daisiesandducks

I hear you.

I’ve been in a similar situation, this isn’t about the housework hunny, it’s about you.

Your overwhelmed, tried, and you sound like you need to figure out what you need right now.
You like to chill on a Saturday morning… me too.

When he’s chilling doing his own thing you just get on with what needs doing, when you try to chill out whilst he is doing some chores you feel guilty and that disturbs your down time you are desperate for.

Every family is different, so you maybe don’t cook, that’s ok, it’s what works for you as long as everyone is fed!

Living with someone when you have been so used to being independent is so hard! They have expectations and you feel resentful cause life was more peaceful on your own terms.

I don’t think the Saturday blitz is a bad idea though, just maybe after a lazy morning?? An hour of both your time cleaning and doing everything then your reward is a clean tidy house and time to maybe do things you love!

Take a breath, understand his perspective, asking him what he’s feeling too… is he struggling with family life too? What would be useful for you both? Who prefers certain jobs?

Also get yourself into your hobbies, find something just for you that you lose yourself in! It just sounds like your losing yourself a little bit.

Hope you feel in a better place soon
Oh and mumsnet is full of people with different standards, everyone seems to get ripped apart for what they post. people forget to just be kind and that what gets posted is only a fraction of the story. Don’t take it to heart

Shall we move on? I wasn’t accusing anyone, I was rightly pointing out I was being pedantic and I misunderstood, but you’re really making me feel quite upset by going on about this. I apologise for my misunderstanding. What more do you actually want from me?

[quote Daisiesandducks]@Turningpurple pardon? I was in the middle of folding vests.

I don’t know that I want to relax on Saturday mornings per se but a) I’d like to decide this and b) I’d like to relax sometime.[/quote]
So then you didn't do half a job, which is what you said.

Tbh, your posts don't really make much sense and it sounds like you just want to clean, when you want to. You also only want him to clean when you want him to.

As I said, talk to him and not agree sometime. Waiting until you both magically know, that the other one also wants to clean geta nothing done.

says to me something like ‘who cooks’ I honestly, genuinely, most sincerely do not imagine for a moment they mean giving DD a tangerine or whatever.

Yeah I wouldn't class microwaving things, making cereal and sandwiches etc as "cooking" either so I can actually understand where you were coming from.

would be more pedantic to replace the simple word “cook” with “opens tin and empties into saucepan and stirs whilst putting bread in toaster…”

Well, "makes food" does the job there. Or "prepares a meal".

When you live with someone and share your life with them, you can't just carry on in the way you did when you lived alone.

It requires compromise (on both sides) and that's not easy. I think most couples struggle to adjust, especially if they've both been living alone for a long period of time.

That's not to say you have to spend all of Saturday mornings cleaning by any means, but at the very least you both need to sit down and talk about housework, your expectations and what you both feel like you need to be doing to keep the house running smoothly.

I tend to do most of my housework through the week so that my weekends are "downtime", but DH prefers to leave it until the last minute or the weekend - so right now I'm watching TV with the dog while DH cleans out his car (after walking said dog).

Neither of us are wrong, just different, but it took a lot of getting used at when we first moved in together and it did cause a few arguments at first.