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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit sorry for this classmate of DDs

95 replies

WantToGoButCant · 24/03/2022 15:58

She’s arranged a birthday party in a few weeks’ time, invited all of the girls from the class (12 girls), and none of them can attend.

She’s an only child so no siblings and from talking to the mum the girls not close with any of her cousins as they’re all either much older or much younger. So the party may get cancelled.

I feel gutted for the girl as she’s only recently joined the class from another school – the class are Year 3 and joined just before Christmas.

I can’t rearrange DDs commitment as she’s with her dad that weekend and it’s up to him to decide what he does, but AIBU to want to do something to show the girl that it’s not that our DC don’t like her it’s just fallen on a very bad weekend?

And if so WWYD for the little girl? She’s turning 8

OP posts:
SophieSoSo · 24/03/2022 15:59

Ahh poor soul!

It’s lovely that you want to do something, could you maybe get her a gift and invite her over for tea/to play at yours another time instead?

thunderonlyhappenswhenits · 24/03/2022 16:00

Oh bless her what a shame. I was going to suggest having her over to yours another time aswell

TolkiensFallow · 24/03/2022 16:01

Oh that’s rubbish! The poor girl. I would contact the mum to explain and probably going out of my way to arrange a special play date.

BlingLoving · 24/03/2022 16:03

If not a single child can attend, surely the mum should suggest an alternative date? Unless she suspects most of the children simply don't want to go. How much notice is she giving?

As for you, absolutely - go ahead and suggest a playdate or activity and perhaps ensure you have a small gift and a card to give the child on her actual birthday.

Original poster
WantToGoButCant · 24/03/2022 16:06

@BlingLoving

If not a single child can attend, surely the mum should suggest an alternative date? Unless she suspects most of the children simply don't want to go. How much notice is she giving?

As for you, absolutely - go ahead and suggest a playdate or activity and perhaps ensure you have a small gift and a card to give the child on her actual birthday.

@BlingLoving It's genuinely a very bad weekend, half the girls will be on a camp with scouting as they do a big annual one for all the local units every Easter.

The others have varying commitments, some are with their other parent so can't go, some are in Dance recitals etc.

She gave 4 weeks notice last week but over this week everyones said they can't attend, I can see from the class whatsapp this is the case.

OP posts:
Thursday37 · 24/03/2022 16:10

I would invite for a playdate now so a date is in the diary and if money isn’t an issue, I’d get a card and gift as if your child had attended.
I remember starting a new school at that age, it was hard!

glowingcandle · 24/03/2022 16:10

That's a real shame, I'd feel the same. Hopefully the mum will rearrange but if not perhaps you could suggest the girls do something together to celebrate. Cinema trip and tea afterwards or something?

Original poster
WantToGoButCant · 24/03/2022 16:12

The playdate idea is a good one and I will definitely get a card and present as if we'd been.

They are really lovely class and from what I've heard have welcomed her in, DD considers the girl to be her friend, it's just fallen awkwardly that's all.

4-6 weeks notice is usual for our class, and there's always a few who can't make it, but this is the first time I've seen it where no-one at all can.

OP posts:
pigletsbiggestfan · 24/03/2022 16:12

Oh that's so horrible for her, poor thing!

Could you find a weekend that you can do and send her a message along the lines of 'we're so sorry DD can't make the party, we are definitely free x weekend if your DD would like to do something to celebrate then?'

If she knows you know that no one can make it you could even suggest that date to rearrange the party for if she wanted

Foolsrule · 24/03/2022 16:15

Poor girl! I wouldn’t want mine missing a party locally though because of their other parent. That shouldn’t be the norm! The child’s interests should come first 🙄

Sounds like mum wasn’t aware of the conflicting event. If she doesn’t know about it now, she must be feeling very hurt, as must her DD be.

TolkiensFallow · 24/03/2022 16:15

I wonder also if the mum of the girl could set up a WhatsApp and suggest perhaps the following weekend for a party or an after school party to see if the numbers could increase

Bootothegoose · 24/03/2022 16:16

Poor baby :(

If the girls get on well I would inbox the mum and ask if you could take them to a soft play one Saturday and have a sleepover/take them for a McDonald’s after for a belated birthday celebration.

This happened to a little lad at DS’ nursery before Christmas. He was only turning four but he had traced his name on all the invites and it broke my heart. Everyone was either busy or isolating.

Original poster
WantToGoButCant · 24/03/2022 16:17

@Foolsrule

Poor girl! I wouldn’t want mine missing a party locally though because of their other parent. That shouldn’t be the norm! The child’s interests should come first 🙄

Sounds like mum wasn’t aware of the conflicting event. If she doesn’t know about it now, she must be feeling very hurt, as must her DD be.

@Foolsrule I can't speak for others but my own ExH would have taken her to the party but he's already booked something else on that day awhile ago.

I know one of the other girls her dad won't take her to parties and there's a court order in place so she can't break it and send her DD to the party.

OP posts:
Original poster
WantToGoButCant · 24/03/2022 16:18

@TolkiensFallow

I wonder also if the mum of the girl could set up a WhatsApp and suggest perhaps the following weekend for a party or an after school party to see if the numbers could increase
@TolkiensFallow There's a class whatsapp, she's aware of the clash I think now but has only said "Thanks for letting me know" to replies, but the more and more that come in it broke me reading them all.
OP posts:
Original poster
WantToGoButCant · 24/03/2022 16:19

@Bootothegoose

Poor baby :(

If the girls get on well I would inbox the mum and ask if you could take them to a soft play one Saturday and have a sleepover/take them for a McDonald’s after for a belated birthday celebration.

This happened to a little lad at DS’ nursery before Christmas. He was only turning four but he had traced his name on all the invites and it broke my heart. Everyone was either busy or isolating.

@Bootothegoose I feel gutted for the girl, if that happened to DD I'd be heartbroken and wonder if no-one liked her Sad
OP posts:
musicviking1 · 24/03/2022 16:22

This happened to me once when I was trying to plan a birthday party for my child, it clashed with a scouting weekend so most we'd invited couldn't attend - thankfully I was given plenty of notice from other parents so I just ended up rebooking the party and everyone then came.

DDivaStar · 24/03/2022 16:28

Sounds like a bad weekend for it, def think the mum should do a different weekend.

ChameFangeNail · 24/03/2022 16:28

If this happened in my DD's class, someone would address it head-on in the WhatsApp group by saying something like 'I feel terrible about the bad timing - I'm sure everyone else does too and I know the girls would love to celebrate X's birthday with her. What about a Pizza Express meet up after Girl Scouts on Tuesday? Etc, etc...'.

Is it the kind of group where you could do that?

Xmasbaby11 · 24/03/2022 16:30

4 weeks is loads of notice, much more than we get for Y3 parties, so this is very unlucky. It makes sense for the party mum to rearrange if at all possible.

Skiornottoski · 24/03/2022 16:30

If she applies some logic
She will reschedule

Skiornottoski · 24/03/2022 16:32

Before Invites are issued
I always drop the lass watsapp a group to say if they can give me a heads up whether they’d be available on x date
So last time I knew my son’s was a no/go as more than 50%could not

Others do too.

There’s no commitment or guarantee
Just an idea of availability

ivykaty44 · 24/03/2022 16:38

Could you arrange a play date near to the girls birthday and get a cake for tea time? I’m sure all the girls would live to play together - thinking 4 girls possibly 5 and that way it’s be nice treat

Sportsnight · 24/03/2022 16:38

Just message her and say what you’ve said here - this happens to be a terrible weekend because of the scout camp. No need for hand wringing.

allmysons · 24/03/2022 16:41

I think I would message the mum and make a point of saying how unlucky that the date clashes with the big scouting thing and is there another date and that your DD would love to celebrate her DDs birthday.
If people haven't given a reason it might look bad but if you know there is something on it would be reassuring for the mum

BlueOverYellow · 24/03/2022 16:44

I hope someone messages her and explains the scouts event that weekend and the custody issues and asks if there's an alternate date available?

And do have her round.

You sound really caring and thoughtful, OP.