To feel a bit sorry for this classmate of DDs

[WantToGoButCant]

She’s arranged a birthday party in a few weeks’ time, invited all of the girls from the class (12 girls), and none of them can attend.

She’s an only child so no siblings and from talking to the mum the girls not close with any of her cousins as they’re all either much older or much younger. So the party may get cancelled.

I feel gutted for the girl as she’s only recently joined the class from another school – the class are Year 3 and joined just before Christmas.

I can’t rearrange DDs commitment as she’s with her dad that weekend and it’s up to him to decide what he does, but AIBU to want to do something to show the girl that it’s not that our DC don’t like her it’s just fallen on a very bad weekend?

And if so WWYD for the little girl? She’s turning 8

Can you message her - privately perhaps? - and explain about the camp and the other commitments - and suggest that she might would a better response if she rearranges - . At least then she'd not be feeling that no one likes her! Or failing that ask her daughter to tea one day after school near to the birthday and make a real fuss of her? Or plan something to do as a group from the class over the Easter holidays, even if it's just a park trip.

When DD has had birthdays me and her dad have just rearranged weekends if he doesn't want to take her, so she doesn't miss out on going, is this not an option?

This is also why I arrange dc’s parties for after school… as a tea party as I live for my weekends and hated going to kids parties!

DD's birthday is in August. I set up a WhatsApp group adding the parents of DD's friends.

I suggest a few possible dates before booking anything as everyone is usually on holiday .

@SoyaChai

When DD has had birthdays me and her dad have just rearranged weekends if he doesn't want to take her, so she doesn't miss out on going, is this not an option?

@SoyaChai I can't speak for others but usually my ExH would take DD to parties but he can't that weekend as he's already prebooked something and he doesn't want to miss that, which is fair enough.

They might be able to "do a different date" or it could already be paid for... What type of party is it? Is it at home or have they booked somewhere? I wouldn't be able to afford to reschedule a soft play party after booking it out with deposit etc

I've never had a party for DD for this reason. I'm worried it would k be a huge disappointment. I'm waiting until she's older and we can just text some friends' parents and go to the cinema and a meal or something.

You sound lovely OP. World needs more kind people like you. Fair play.

ExH would take DD to parties but he can't that weekend as he's already prebooked something and he doesn't want to miss that, which is fair enough.

Completely understandable

I’m glad you’ve messaged the Mum, the poor girl!

Whenever DD can’t manage a friend’s party I always send a present to school, if it’s a close friend and she can’t manage I invite them over separately for cake at ours. I hope you and the Mum manage to get something sorted that more of the kids can attend, even if as a pp suggested it’s just a class meet up at the park or soft play with cake and candles.

Hopefully she will sort something else out. It's an unlucky time - so many people we know are going away over Easter after having missed out on holidays last year. Glad you have messaged her.

@SoyaChai They've booked a hall, I know this particular one gets booked up for weekends very quickly, so that's why I've offered to help rearrange and possibly might have to help find a new venue

It seems to me just an unfortunate set of circumstances. Positive response would be to suggest dates you could make.

The other positive I take from this is that given how many people either never reply or duck out last minute for spurious reasons, at least the parents have not received that kind of inconsiderate behaviour.

@VagueSemblance

Hopefully she will sort something else out. It's an unlucky time - so many people we know are going away over Easter after having missed out on holidays last year. Glad you have messaged her.

@VagueSemblance I do know of at least one set of parents from the class going on holiday having rearranged it 3 times already so I don't blame them.

Hopefully an alternative can be found, no reply yet.

This happened to me when I was 13 and I still remember it. I'm 34 now and still don't like doing anything for my birthday in case people don't turn up. Sitting alone in Frankie and Bennies at a table for 12 waiting for people was excruciating. Please do something for the poor kid!

@balalake

It seems to me just an unfortunate set of circumstances. Positive response would be to suggest dates you could make.

The other positive I take from this is that given how many people either never reply or duck out last minute for spurious reasons, at least the parents have not received that kind of inconsiderate behaviour.

@balalake They're a genuinely lovely class with really lovely parents, every teacher they've had has said it. There's 3 classes per year and they usually get mixed every 1-2 years and the other two have been mixed but this one stayed the same.

@WantToGoButCant

Have sent the mum a message on whatsapp privately just explaining and suggesting we try and rearrange, have offered to help find an alternate date.

You are a really nice person op!! I'd be gutted if this happened to my little girl and I'd wonder if no one wanted to attend so it's definitely good to explain the reason.

I also love the idea of arranging a play date and giving the girl her present and card then. If she is new she will benefit from one on one time with one of her classmates and your DD might cement a new friendship.

@WantToGoButCant your schools sounds like my dd. 3 classes a year and can wear own clothes

Glad you messaged new mum - so she knows it’s a prior arrangement and not her daughter not being liked

For all to say no must be harsh when new

Could you check out some other mums for a date their DD's can make?

I would find that so sad. I'd arrange a little birthday playdate with her and your DD, maybe an afternoon cinema trip or something? And make a big fuss of her

Nice one for messaging and letting her know she's not been frozen out! In her position I wouldn't have wanted to suggest another date after everyone saying 'no' but I'm sure she'll feel a lot better about doing so now. Hope the little girl gets her party!

How do the other parents feel? Are they as lovely as you?
If so, I would get them together, get the girls parents involved and throw a little surprise party.

@ChameFangeNail

If this happened in my DD's class, someone would address it head-on in the WhatsApp group by saying something like 'I feel terrible about the bad timing - I'm sure everyone else does too and I know the girls would love to celebrate X's birthday with her. What about a Pizza Express meet up after Girl Scouts on Tuesday? Etc, etc...'.

Is it the kind of group where you could do that?

This is exactly what I would do, it forces others who may feel uncomfortable to join in and suggest plans, and may help the mam and child feel better.

I know the kids love them but this is why I hate parties, I am always panicked people won't show!

Could you suggest to the mum that she changes the date of the party I've had to do this once when dd's party clashed with another class mate. If one of us didn't change the date neither of them would have had any guests because parents was declining both invites.

If the girls DM had any sense she'd change the date