To ask whether you agree with the ‘2 year rule’ for engagement

[EstelleGP]

Recently I’ve been hearing a lot both on social media and from friends about a supposed ‘2 year rule’ for getting engaged. I’m not sure if it’s a new thing but if it’s not, it’s the first I’ve heard of it?!

Basically it’s considered that two years together in a serious relationship should be enough time to establish whether or not you want to commit to being with that person and getting married and if no such sign of commitment is forthcoming at that stage i.e. engagement, it’s time to walk away.

I’ve had a number of friends and family members who were lead on for years with partners who promised they wanted to commit but “just needed more time” or allegedly were totally against marriage yet later ended the relationship and almost immediately married their next partner, so I have to say I can see some logic in this though of course every relationship is different and there’s no blanket rule which fits everyone’s circumstances. AIBU?

I’m interested to know what everyone thinks?!

I dont think that one rule fits all in any situation.
I got engaged to my husband after a year, we married just shy of being together 2 years, we've now been married for 10 years and I couldn't imagine my life without him.
I think the rule of thumb is you do you.

Yeah, in general, if you are not a teenager, I would say that if you get to the two year mark, and no commitment is forthcoming, it is unlikely to appear.

Whether that means engagement or marriage or just some kind of move from a more roommate situation to a permanent intent to be a household. (Though I would say that being engaged these days seems to be not much of a real commitment in many cases.)

I don't however think it is the case that it takes to years to know if committing is a good idea, which I have also heard people suggest.

Every relationship is different and I think "rules" are silly. I've been with my partner almost 11 years and we're not engaged which some people would likely be v judgemental about but we're happy as we are.

Also, it's entirely financial. I'd like quite a nice, big wedding but I wanted a deposit for a house first. It took us seven years of saving while renting to clobber a deposit together and finally move into our own home late last year. Now, I'm more concerned with getting a new bathroom and making our house the home I've had planned out in my mind for so many years to even think about saving for a wedding. We're atheists too, so wouldn't be after a church wedding, but it just seems like other things are more important to us at the moment.

I'd say a year is plenty long enough to be engaged. In many ways, you never know what it's going to be like being married to someone until you actually are.

So much is age dependent though and where you're at in life.

If you're 19yrs old and you meet at uni - then no 2 yes would be ridiculous.

If you're 29yrs old, have made clear you want to get married and start a family in your early 30s then it's not ridiculous.

The situation matters. But as does the personalities of the people involved.

If you've focused on saving a deposit for a house together ahead of getting married then that's different to someone whose making no future plans with you.

There are definite reasons to walk away from someone who is dragging their heals with regards to commitment. But I don't think you can make a blanket rule for everyone.

@Blossomtoes you've clearly read something into my post that wasn't there.

Maybe I didn't explain myself but I didn't mention the length of relationship, I was talking about love bombing.

I have friends who love all flowers/perfume/romance stuff and generally they are also the ones who get fucked over by charmers who turn out to be cheats or abusers.

When a mate is being lavished with gifts and extravagant gestures, I see red flags everywhere.

That shit isn't love, it's grandstanding.

@popgoestheweezle I think you are another one who has not understood this rule.

You and your DH were both on the same page when you met, so you agreed to get married before 2 years.

There are couples who aren't on the same page but don't realise it.

The 2 year rule is just there to ensure both partners in a couple confirm they have the same long term goals.

It is really nasty to imply to a partner that you want to marry them or have children with them in the future when you don't. Doesn't matter if you female or male.

There are no "rules" when it comes to this sort of thing. Everyone is different. Honestly, who makes up this rubbish?

Ah my bad, i did misunderstand.
I think maybe it's a good idea to set a time frame whatever you are comfortable with then after that time maybe give an ultimatum, otherwise you could waste your whole life waiting around for something that may never happen.

Two years is nowhere near enough IMO, particularly if you don't live together. I met DH when I was 20 but didn't get engaged until I was 28 as didn't want to get married young and wanted to minimise the risk of a failed engagement. Getting engaged means setting a date for marriage to my mind, we married at 29. Together 31 years now.

There are no 'rules' for engagement. No matter how clear we might be in our own minds about our own experiences, every couple and circumstances are different.

Depends on the stage of life. 16-18 is very different to 26-28 or 36-38 for example. DP’s parents have been engaged for over 25 years fwiw!

I got engaged when I was 24. We'd been together about a year, and married just over a year after that. Looking back it seems ridiculously young, but over 30 years later we're still married and still happy.

I'd been in a five year relationship before that and it wasn't going anywhere, but when I met now DH we were both sure straight away that we'd found the right person. It didn't feel like we rushed into it.

Well it really isn't a good sign if you're in your 30s, been together for 2 years and one partner wants to marry but the other one is dragging his their feet.

There is no such rule. And it's most certainly not an 'old' social expectation. People in the past got married in many different tiumeframes, and with many different motives/expectations. Relationships that work are between real live people, who are all very different. They have to mutually agree what's best for them; no hinting, no cajoling, no persuading. No appealing to imaginary rules.

@sweetzy

It's ridiculous. All these 'rules' just make people feel anxious and worried about perfectly normal relationships.

Instead of obsessing about whether someone wants to marry you etc people should be getting to know each other properly and having adult conversations about life goals and plans.

In my experience, most of the relationships that go wrong are the ones where people don't talk and can't be honest with each other. The threads on here seem to confirm the same.

This

@Orangello

Well it really isn't a good sign if you're in your 30s, been together for 2 years and one partner wants to marry but the other one is dragging his their feet.

Yeah, I think this 'rule' is most obviously applicable in situations like that.

I met my now DH when I was 21 and we got married almost exactly 15 years after we met.

I think we always knew we would stay together and we were always on the same page. We married before we had children though - that was a non-negotiable for us.

We both were pretty involved with our careers and both of us had postings abroad where we were geographically separated for about 6 years in total.

But I think we always agreed where we were going and neither of us was frustrated about the situation and happy that we would get married when we were ready.

We've now been married 3 years and have a nearly 2 year old daughter. I don't think it was that important for us to get married until we decided to have children.

I don't think there is any such rule nor do I think there should be.

I can't understand though why so many couples wait so long to even get engaged let alone married unless they were very very young when they met.

Me and DH got married 5 months after meeting. I was 25 and he was 23. We didn't live together first. We celebrate 42 years of very happy marriage this year. Still very much in love.

Two years should be more than long enough in my view to know whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone or not.

I met my DH when I was 24. I had spent the previous 6 years in a relationship with a guy who ultimately cheated on me. Before I met DH I I had decided that a year was my cut-off point in future in which to have a serious talk about commitment and the future. Not necessarily an engagement but certainly some indication that we had a future together. Luckily my DH was on a similar page and we moved in together after 10 months. Didn't get engaged until we were 4 years together.

DH and I were together 8 years before we got engaged and then a 8 year engagement before got married. Hope,the marriage doesn't turn out to be 8 yrs 🤣

Not a rule but engaged at 21 and married at 24. Just the right time buying a house etc. Nothing to do with a specific set amount of time.

It really depends.

So many factors affect the speed at which a relationship (and how well you really know someone) develops:

• long distance (DH and I were just moving in together after 2 years, cos we lived 150 miles apart)

• kids from previous relationships would mean you'd need to go slower

• type of job (someone in the forces or who worked away a lot etc might have more or less chances to really get to know someone)

• where you live (easier to get to know someone really well when one or both of your has your own place alone and you can practice sharing a space just the two of you, as opposed to both being in house shares or still with parents, as lots of people are til late 20s now, where it's basically sleepovers)

... all sorts. A 27 year old living at his parents' who works on the rigs 3 weeks on 2 weeks off, dating a 28 year old with a child from a previous relationship... after 2 years they might not be ready because their relationship has had less in-person time to develop, introducing to a child etc has to be considered. A pair of people in their early 20s with their own place and no other commitments with plenty of time to get to know each other might be - so age is not necessarily a factor as some PPs have said.