To ask whether you agree with the ‘2 year rule’ for engagement

[EstelleGP]

Recently I’ve been hearing a lot both on social media and from friends about a supposed ‘2 year rule’ for getting engaged. I’m not sure if it’s a new thing but if it’s not, it’s the first I’ve heard of it?!

Basically it’s considered that two years together in a serious relationship should be enough time to establish whether or not you want to commit to being with that person and getting married and if no such sign of commitment is forthcoming at that stage i.e. engagement, it’s time to walk away.

I’ve had a number of friends and family members who were lead on for years with partners who promised they wanted to commit but “just needed more time” or allegedly were totally against marriage yet later ended the relationship and almost immediately married their next partner, so I have to say I can see some logic in this though of course every relationship is different and there’s no blanket rule which fits everyone’s circumstances. AIBU?

I’m interested to know what everyone thinks?!

I think if you've been with someone for 2 years that is plenty of time for you to know whether you truly love them and if you want to build a life with them.

I don't agree that that has to mean a ring though, if that's not what both parties want

I've never heard of this rule to be honest.

I met DH and was living with him after a month, engaged after 6 and married by 2 years. We will have been together 18 years this year. No regrets.

Oh, and I got married 3 months after our first meeting and we've been married 24 years now so I'm not against the ring either 😁 . Just saying it isn't in itself proof of anything

It's a stupid rule to apply across the board but I would have no interest in being in a relationship with someone for 2 years plus with no plans to get married. I get that not everyone needs marriage to have a committed relationship and agree that having a child together or buying a house together is a substantial commitment in itself but DH wanted to be married.

It sounds like a diifferent universe.
I am unmarried, lived with my OH for the past 25 years, and in that time raised our children to adulthood.

started dating OH and was pregnant within 6 weeks.
Never married.
Second child came alog shortly afterwards.
Very happy after 25 years.

@Teachersaurus

Isn't this just the time it takes to book and organise a performance-wedding and to save for the week long stag/hen holidays?

I've not heard of it being a rule.

No.

It's an old social expectation.

It's not about the wedding it is about if you are ready for marriage and most importantly want to get married, if after 2 years your partner isn't ready to get married to you then you need to split up as you don't have the same life goals.

people don’t have a rule book - totally depends on personal values, priorities, circumstances - so no totally disagree and think this rule is nonsense

@RedWingBoots This is Mumsnet though where if you don't get married in the public bogs for 50p you care more about the wedding than the marriage.

What i think that the only rule should be is "are you both happy?"

It's ridiculous. All these 'rules' just make people feel anxious and worried about perfectly normal relationships.

Instead of obsessing about whether someone wants to marry you etc people should be getting to know each other properly and having adult conversations about life goals and plans.

In my experience, most of the relationships that go wrong are the ones where people don't talk and can't be honest with each other. The threads on here seem to confirm the same.

@pucelleauxblanchesmains you forgot about that "chicken" for the wedding breakfast.

And stop confusing love bombing for actual love and respect.

DH and I did everything in slow motion I guess. Oh except moving in which was basically immediate! Oh and having sex too - is there a rule about that?

Met at a pub one afternoon (students) stayed over at his that night and basically never went back to my halls. Lived together from then on but didn’t get married for another 10 years and didn’t have a child for another 5 after that. Been together 23 years in total.

It's not a rule but it is true that most couples who decide to get married have been together about that long, and the likelihood they will ever get married will go down after a certain period. The median amount of time a couple dates before the proposal is 3.3 years (this is US statistics but it's not that different).

We are not talking about cases where neither partner wants to get married and yes I'm sure we all know occasional couples who were together 20 years before getting married

But if one partner is still saying they're not sure and maybe it's too early and it's too big of a commitment after 2-3 years (and a few kids), it becomes more and more likely they do not plan to marry their partner at all.

I knew my boyfriend for a year when we got engaged and he was a soldier so was part LDR. We didn’t last but doubt it would’ve lasted if we’d been together 2 years and got engaged.

@sweetzy

And stop confusing love bombing for actual love and respect.

So you’re implying that those of us who moved fast aren’t getting love and respect and my 24 year relationship is based on a lie?

I had a good friend who at 30 was panicking about settling down. We had a mutual friend but she wasn’t dating him. I think they dated 6 months then he asked her to marry him.

2 years is probably a fair rough ballpark time frame to be sure of where you both see the relationship going. As for moving in together, DP and I moved in together after 4 months, so far so good a year later!

I've never heard of a "two year rule" but I see some logic to the idea that two years is enough time to wait for someone to catch up with you..

So I wouldn't say you should be looking to move on two years after getting together necessarily, because not everyone wants a life partner, and some people are still growing and changing, especially when they're young. But limiting waiting for someone else to catch up with where you're at to two years seems like a generous boundary to have (I'd also suggest that an engagement with no movement towards setting a date is no engagement at all and even more of a signal towards dropping someone).

I do think it's easy for people to get together with someone at some point in their life, especially in their 20s, know they don't really want more commitment, but not have the gumption (or insight, or money) to easily break up and move on. There seems to be a lot of inertia once you move in with someone. So I'm not surprised at relationships that seem to drag on but not move forward and then suddenly after an ultimatum from one party the formerly reluctant party does exactly what they were resisting with someone new.

@Gonnagetgoing

I had a good friend who at 30 was panicking about settling down. We had a mutual friend but she wasn’t dating him. I think they dated 6 months then he asked her to marry him.

I know plenty of people who were engaged and married in less than 2 years of meeting. I think the shortest period from meeting to engagement was 3 weeks. They were in their late 30s.

All of them are still married.

The rule is really for couples were one person really wants to get married, they are both working and don't have other baggage. If the other person isn't sure after 2 years together then you both need to move on. I know both men and women who have had this issue.

Personally there is no say I would have married someone after 2 years of dating. You’ve hardly touched the surface.

Can perhaps understand tge rush if two people want children ans she is older.

People change so much from 20s to 30s in general it just wouldn't be for me.

An engagement has no relevance - it’s not binding. DH never proposed - we both knew we wanted the same things in life so decided to get married. We met at Uni, moved in together when I graduated and got married a couple of years later. Had big London hotel wedding, no rings (don’t like them). Had DT’s and celebrated our silver wedding anniversary last year.

Met dp when I was 18. Kids at 22 and 26. Proposed to at 27 and then married ar 28. So took 10 years for us. Tbh it doesn’t even feel like long because we met so young. So the two year rule feels kind of hectic to me. I suppose if I was late thirties and wanting commitment the rule may be more suitable but there’s not a one size fits all policy to marriage!