To ask whether you agree with the ‘2 year rule’ for engagement

[EstelleGP]

Recently I’ve been hearing a lot both on social media and from friends about a supposed ‘2 year rule’ for getting engaged. I’m not sure if it’s a new thing but if it’s not, it’s the first I’ve heard of it?!

Basically it’s considered that two years together in a serious relationship should be enough time to establish whether or not you want to commit to being with that person and getting married and if no such sign of commitment is forthcoming at that stage i.e. engagement, it’s time to walk away.

I’ve had a number of friends and family members who were lead on for years with partners who promised they wanted to commit but “just needed more time” or allegedly were totally against marriage yet later ended the relationship and almost immediately married their next partner, so I have to say I can see some logic in this though of course every relationship is different and there’s no blanket rule which fits everyone’s circumstances. AIBU?

I’m interested to know what everyone thinks?!

Bollocks. I suppose it depends what life stage you are at. DH and I were probably together 2 years before moving in together and a couple of more years before we got engaged. We got married the next year, bought a house the following year and had children the next year.

I believe engagement is a promise to get married and if your not planning a wedding then you’re not really engaged.

[quote AlphabetStew]@SleepingStandingUp You have 30 kids? I'm surprised you get any sleep at all![/quote]
No wonder no one wants to marry me in two years

It completely depends on circumstances. DS proposed last week. They have been together nine years. They were late teens when they started going out so would have been engaged by twenty one going by the two year rule. They bought a house together three years ago so I think they always took their relationship seriously. I do know it’s important to both of both of them to be married before they have children.

Sounds a bit North Korea.

You can be with someone for 2 years and know everything about them or be with someone for 20 years and suddenly realise they're not who you thought they were.

This 'rule' is daft.

I think it's vaguely reasonable at certain times of your life and if you want to be married before having children.
Otherwise it's a bit arbitrary and only matters if you want to be married..

My brother-in-law & his now wife lived together for 25 years. Neither of them were remotely bothered about getting married. Then they had a change of heart, & there was a wedding within 4 months. They were never "engaged". Five years on from the wedding, they appear to be happy & settled. So there are no rules - just whatever works for each couple.

I've been with DP for 19 years. No engagement, no marriage. We're now in a CP and that's only for the legal aspect. I love him dearly but there is no way I'd ever marry. Been there, done that never doing it again.

Depends. My family member and her boyfriend got together when she was 22 and he was 20, they weren't looking at getting engaged at that age! They got engaged after 6 years together and had their first baby recently after nearly 10 years together.

Depends entirely on the people involved and the circumstances. My husband proposed after 3 weeks. He was separated from his first wife (married too young) and waiting for the divorce so we had to wait a couple of years before we could marry - divorces took a long time back then. Otherwise we'd have been married within a few months of meeting. We met in 1971 and are still happily together.

Can see the point but also depends how old you are and where you are in life. If you meet at 21, you might not want to get married at 23. You may also want to be in a more stable position and for me, buying a house was always more important than getting married so we prioritised that first.

2 years isn’t a very long time really, not if you want to live together first as well.

The important thing is to keep communicating about it and make sure everyone is on the same page.

I was 23 when I met DH and felt much too young to get married. We rented together then bought a house first and got engaged a couple of years after that, and got married a year later when I was 28.

we did get engaged after 2-3 years.

it was a sign of we are committed, long term. Not married yet (8 years later) but we don't need to - not having kids, both have decent assets.

but we are both happy to say to the world - yes, this is someone i want to be with long term.

(we could have bought a place, to show similar commitment but i had a perfectly good house he moved into)

(i mean in general its women waiting for a proposal and men stringing them along - i wasn't fussed about a proposal but we both like knowing we are on the same track and there aren't many public ways to do that really)

I hadn't heard of it, but it makes a degree of sense once you reach a certain point and have certain priorities. Most of my circle met their partners quite young so it's not really applicable in the same way, but if I were 33 and wanting a family I'd probably broadly apply the principle. I don't mean a date having to be set necessarily, but firm plans, both being on the same page etc. Fwiw DH and I were engaged before the 2 year mark.

I think it is a good rule. It is like people forget, that change happens and life teaches you new things. Forget about knowing someone else in two years and expecting them to be the same person. People change themselves. I can't guarantee that I would I act the same way in two years, let alone my dh.

But if people are happy to wait, it is not my business. Good luck to them. I might be wrong. No one knows the future.

But you can be engaged for ever.

If there is no intention to marry, you aren’t engaged.

My mother told me that if a relationship was not progressing after six months you should end it. Looking back she was right about that. My DH of 38 years proposed after knowing me about 10 days, so I never had to think about a 2 year rule.

It's more normal in Christian circles I think (of which I'm a part). I do think in general if you want to get married and your partner keeps dragging their feet then there's a point where you're wasting your time but I wouldn't advocate dumping someone on precisely day 730.

If getting married is important to someone, then the relationship should be good enough for that to be said.
If the other person doesn't want that then so be it.
Seems to be no end of second guessing

What happens if you get together on the 29th Feb? Because although I suppose you've been together two years you've never actually had an anniversary

It was four and a half for me, in my own relationship 2 years would have felt quite fast. I don't know many couples who were engaged by then, but I know a lotttt of people whose relationships fell apart at the 5-6 year mark.

The speed at which some people move in together or get engaged/married sets my teeth on edge, though. Sooner than a year is frightening

We moved in together after three months and got married 18 months after that. 24 years later we’re still not frightened.

Depends on your age and how much experience of other relationships you've had.

Never heard of but I do think if people have expectations of what they want in life and when they should walk away from people who aren’t in the same wavelength. Seems to just create misery.

I met and married my husband within 9 months. I knew what I wanted, he knew what he wanted. It fitted and will hopefully continue to fit.

I kind of do agree, based on my sample of my own life! I was with my first husband about 9 years before I persuaded him to marry me - I think deep down I must have known his heart wasn't in it but it was the sunken costs thing by that point. Marriage lasted 18 months.

My second husband proposed out of the blue on our two year 'getting together' anniversary. I never a a seconds doubt about whether marriage and commitment was what he wanted. We've been married for 8 years and have three children.

I don't think it has to be 'two years' on the dot, but if you've been together for ages and one person has made it clear that they really want marriage, if the other person doesn't want to get on board with that then where do you go? You can talk them into it like I did, or walk away.