To ask whether you agree with the ‘2 year rule’ for engagement

[EstelleGP]

Recently I’ve been hearing a lot both on social media and from friends about a supposed ‘2 year rule’ for getting engaged. I’m not sure if it’s a new thing but if it’s not, it’s the first I’ve heard of it?!

Basically it’s considered that two years together in a serious relationship should be enough time to establish whether or not you want to commit to being with that person and getting married and if no such sign of commitment is forthcoming at that stage i.e. engagement, it’s time to walk away.

I’ve had a number of friends and family members who were lead on for years with partners who promised they wanted to commit but “just needed more time” or allegedly were totally against marriage yet later ended the relationship and almost immediately married their next partner, so I have to say I can see some logic in this though of course every relationship is different and there’s no blanket rule which fits everyone’s circumstances. AIBU?

I’m interested to know what everyone thinks?!

I do think that there is something in it, though I wouldn't have a rule. Two years is a good amount of time to know if this is the person for you, and if you're still in doubt - there's your answer.

People should get married for the right reasons, which in my view are security and stability. Big weddings are not needed, neither is the wearing of a ring, or a change of surname.

If you have reached the stage in life where you are searching for a lifetime commitment and you want a lifetime commitment, if you aren’t certain about a person after 2 years, it does seem a good idea to move on. I wouldn’t call it a rule. It’s more just the idea. If you have doubts after that long, it’s time to start looking again.

Wish I’d lived by this “2 year rule” with my ex… what an utter waste of 7 years that was 🙄

Dh and I go married a year after our 2nd child was born so we def didn't follow it! We did live together after 2 years though but we were considered to be taking it slowly by the people we know.

More than some arbitary timer I think couples should live togther for before getting engaged. I know a couple who went out for 5 years and only saw each other on weekends and odd holidays...as soon as they actually lived together they fell apart! You don't know the real them until you see how compatible you are in a home.

I was with DH for about 2 years before we got engaged. We’d been living together for most of that time though and already had a DD together.

My friend has been with her DP for 2 years but they don’t live together because they live 3 hours apart and have jobs where they live. They’re working on him relocating to her and then they’ll look at marriage.

2 years for one relationship is not the same as 2 years for another.

I don't necessarily agree with timetabling your life in that manner. But I do agree that waiting 2 years to move in with someone, have a baby with someone, get a mortgage with someone is probably wise.

I've never heard this. I met my DH when we were 25. We were engaged within 3 months and married within 16 months. His sister, on the other hand, was engaged for 28 years. My DCs have both had long term partners for well over 2 years and have never been engaged.

Bull sh*t. There are no rules. I was engaged and married in less than a year and we have been married for almost 45 years. I have seen too many cases of long engagements/relationships that went nowhere, then the man marries the next women within months.

Depends on a lot of stage-of-life factors - but if you're talking about a couple in late 20's/ early 30's then that sounds about right... or rather if you're not engaged at that stage and either party is unhappy about it then probably time to move on.

Gosh no.
Dh and I got engaged after 5 years and married a year after that. First child I think was about 18mo after that.

I think we moved in together at about the two year mark.

Maybe we were just slow 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think 2 years is probably long enough to have a grown up conversation about the relationship and your desires for the future, and to have an idea of compatability.

Marriage is not the only way to have a relationship or family.

If you do want to get married, talk about it with your partner like a grown up rather than moping around waiting to be "asked" like a helpless Austin heroine.

It’s not about specific events but about whether you’re on the same page at the same time.

DH and I knew early on we wanted to stay together and have kids and I wouldn’t have kids without being married.

Once we bought our flat 3 years in we started got settled, then we got engaged, saved and got married.

We just had conversations at each point. It wasn’t romantic, it was practical and thought through and we’ve been very happy for nearly 17 years.

BTW I'm 15 years into a happy, unmarried relationship. Marriage is not essential.

There's a rule?

Never heard of it. Who gets to set these rules?

Not in our case. We were together for 7 years before we got married and have been happily married now for 5 years. We did move in fairly quickly though and sold our flats to buy a house together after 3 years so I guess the commitment was there.

And I've seen so many relationships where the couple have been together 10 years, finally get married and are divorced within a year. Or where they split up as 'he' can't commit and suddenly he's engaged to someone else 6 months later.

My parents got engaged 2 weeks after they first met, married 3 months later and have been together over 50 years...

Maybe that's a good rule in your late 20s/30s.

I met my DH at 19 though, and getting married at 21 wouldn't have been viable, financially and in terms of our life stage. After two years we were not long graduated, saving for a deposit, getting settled in a new city together. We didn't see any point in being engaged if we weren't planning a wedding, and that just wasn't a priority.

We waited until we were more settled - bought a house, etc - before getting engaged, then got married within the year.

Getting engaged means nothing commitment wise so the rule is just as meaningless.

If being married is important to anyone they need to have a talk with their OH and agree what they both want and when and then do it or look elsewhere. Hanging about waiting about for a surprise "romantic" proposal, or being engaged for more than a year or so is just setting yourself up for disappointment and wasting precious time with someone who is not right for you.

There isn’t any rule but if you want to get married and you’re engaged it seems sensible to do it within a reasonable time frame. I don’t understand people who get engaged them complain that ten years later their partner still won’t marry them because the time isn’t right etc!

Of course there is no rule.

The world would be a better place if everyone learnt to think for themselves.

I think it depends on age.

If you are 18, having dated someone since 16, then I'd say no.

In your 30s, with more life experience, a career etc, you might be more ready to commit.

For people who want marriage and are at the stage in their life where they are ready for marriage it’s definitely a good rule to be mindful of. There are several posts on here each year from women in long relationships with men who say they aren’t ready but it’s very clear they don’t want to marry their partner but are enjoying the benefits of the relationship. But the woman is feeling anxious and stressed and is often also getting financially screwed over.

So yes if you are ready for marriage I would absolutely follow this rule

Isn't this just the time it takes to book and organise a performance-wedding and to save for the week long stag/hen holidays?

I've not heard of it being a rule.

I waited 7 years for my now husband to propose. 2 years is nothing and just where things are settling down nicely from dating to something serious.