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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

3 nights camping with in laws 😱

93 replies

BeatieBourke · 22/03/2022 21:27

Help me work out how to navigate this please.

DHs mum and partner have suggested we go camping with DHs brother, his wife, their two kids and DHs sister. Over my birthday.

DHs family have...tensions. We've rarely all been in the same place in 10 years. We aren't allowed to in laws parents (massive) house because it's too much upheaval for them. The last time we all got together was after a funeral at instigation of sister in law. It was on condition that we stay in the garden (helped by covid but not necessary under eased restrictions at the time), fine but a bit strained.

This camping trip is by a big lake. There are canoes involved. The 3 kids are all under 8 and none can swim. I am an anxious parent. I recognise this tendency and do pretty well at keeping it in check most of the time. I'm good at letting DS take risks as a young child should. DH is pretty hap hazard with safety. His mantra - "It'll be fine" - is basically an act of faith that also serves to shut me up and make me feel like an idiot for feeling anxious when I see my son doing something I genuinely think is too dangerous (floating down the river in a canoe with no one near him, running around on top of a cliff). This sets my anxiety off (I have PTSD after a near fatal birth).

Recently, DSs cousins were left unsupervised (by MIL and DHs brother) in their garden which has a river running through it. The youngest fell in. Unseen by a grown up. The oldest (7) somehow fished him out. The "It'll be fine" mantra seems to be a family mentality.

I don't really want to spend my birthday on this camping trip. I was never asked. I don't think 3 days in tents with 3 young kids by a lake and a family that find it hard to spend time together is a recipe for success.

Being underslept and not listened to is going to make my anxiety 10 times worse. I can't suggest DH and DS don't go. They deserve some fun with their siblings / cousins. If I don't go, I will worry about DSs safety.

I've suggested to DH we go for less time. He thinks I'm being pessimistic and is treating me like a neurotic woman.

How would you handle this so that DS doesn't miss out on time with his cousins, DH doesn't think I'm a cow, and I don't spend the whole 3 days being a nervous wreck?

OP posts:

HabitsDieHard · 22/03/2022 21:32

Honestly I would just say straight out that three nights is too much, and count himself lucky you're prepared to go for one night in the circumstances.
My camping limit is two nights, and that's with people I love. It's still bloody miserable.

Shinyandnew1 · 22/03/2022 21:34

I can’t imagine how this got booked over YOUR birthday without anyone asking you?!

I’m a very laid back parent but I wouldn’t want to go camping over my birthday and I certainly wouldn’t want to do it near water with young children.

Sorry, it would be a no from me and I don’t think I’d care who I upset. I would refuse to do something on my birthday that I hated!

NrlySp · 22/03/2022 21:35

2 nights camping is more than enough. Additional 1 night in a hotel nearby?
But I hate camping. It’s not relaxing or fun.

Notimeforaname · 22/03/2022 21:36

You go for a night. Then leave. Or let them go. Either way you're going to be uncomfortable. Pick the lesser of two evils.

PingPages · 22/03/2022 21:37

It’s over your bloody birthday and no one even asked you? Fuck that! Does your DH not stick up for you? Sorry OP

Movingonup22 · 22/03/2022 21:37

Takes 20 Seconds for a child to drown.

It would be a big fat no from me on the water safety issue alone.

People in this country don’t understand the risks of water and children (I’m from Australia - we’d fence every water way in the country if we could….)

Signoramarella · 22/03/2022 21:38

Fucking hell that sounds shitty. Can you just not ? It sets off my anxiety even reading the post. I suffer big anxiety too.
Just find an excuse. Don't be a pushover. You'll be much better off at center parks or similar!

PingPages · 22/03/2022 21:39

Absolutely would not mess around with water either OP, you’re not neurotic with that. If it really comes to it I would be there to protect them if nothing else

HeckyPeck · 22/03/2022 21:40

I would put my foot down and say no. It's your birthday and you want to make plans with your DSS (and maybe DH)

Don't worry if your DH thinks you're a cow. You know you're not and he clearly doesn't care about being an arse to you! Your son can see his cousins another time and in a safe environment.

drowningwitch · 22/03/2022 21:41

The only drawback of going for less time is that the rigmarole around packing, unpacking, putting up tents, packing, unpacking for family camping is extremely tiring for just one night! I'd say just go and enjoy time outside with your kids - let the other adults bicker on their own.

stuntbubbles · 22/03/2022 21:42

How would you handle this so that DS doesn't miss out on time with his cousins, DH doesn't think I'm a cow, and I don't spend the whole 3 days being a nervous wreck?

I would simply hobble myself by breaking my ankles with a rounders bat, thus ensuring the trip cannot go ahead. Or change my name and the children’s names and DH’s name and escape the country under cover of darkness. Fake an allergy to lakes. Release a new strain of coronavirus. Break every canoe in the country. Go on sex strike. Yodel relentlessly until DH capitulates. Glue myself to the driveway in front of the car. Literally ANYTHING.

jacqelinedaniels · 22/03/2022 21:42

Hmm I’m an anxious parent for sure but we had a lovely time camping by a lake with friends and young children - I do appreciate friends is a different proposition to a strained extended family holiday however! The kids had a great time though occasionally one or other was removed / excused from one or other activity to nap / tantrum etc. mostly they got soaked, splashed in the lake, paddle boarded, and the canoe element was all carried out with grown ups manning the boats. This was near Snowdon and one of our most successful holidays ever, for sure. But the weather was great which also helped. Speaking as an anxious parent, I’d suggest trying to have a positive attitude and get stuck in - if you think you can cope with going at all. Though as it is your birthday weekend I would also understand if you can’t stomach it… maybe insist on a follow on birthday trip that you choose for you? Because the kids will love it…

jacqelinedaniels · 22/03/2022 21:43

Oh and Prosecco definitely helps when camping!

Original poster

BeatieBourke · 22/03/2022 21:44

Im resigned to going I suppose, because I can't imagine not being there with the kids in the water.

I'm just going to have to ride it out and suck it up aren't I? And have DH think mental every time I voice a concern about what they've got planned with the kids. I think.I'll just count myself lucky if everyone comes out unscathed.

OP posts:

BessMarvin · 22/03/2022 21:45

I hate attitudes like theirs. Just cos nothing bad happened doesn't mean it was the right thing to do. Like riding in a car without a seat belt on

autienotnaughty · 22/03/2022 21:46

So you can go, you can not go or go for less time. All of them will caus some issue either for you or others. I think I would feel obligated to go. You could try and offset some anxiety by writing down every fear you have. Then look at the fears and cross off any that objectively are irrational and the ones that are left risk assess how you will manage them. Having a plan may feel better. You are not looking to enjoy this so focus on your son and maybe come up with some assertive phrases for if you need to explain yourself.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 22/03/2022 21:48

Hell no to camping, absolutely hell no to camping with ILs, hat trick with water involved!
Get the kids on an intensive learn to swim course at your local leisure centre during the Easter holidays instead.

NumberTheory · 22/03/2022 21:49

Does your DH enjoy spending time with his family or does he share your perception that relationships are strained?

It’s very unreasonable of them to book without consulting you and expect you to go along. And I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say that you want him and DS not to go since it’s your birthday and you want to do something different with them (but then you probably do have to do something with them!).

But that’s only because it’s your birthday. Coping with a partner who has a very different approach to safety of your DC than you do is a nightmare and there aren’t good answers if you can’t come to a mutual agreement.

stuntbubbles · 22/03/2022 21:50

Has it actually been booked, or just suggested? Does DH always get his own way by dismissing your concerns and wearing you down? What would happen if you said, “We’re not going camping on my birthday. I want us to do XYZ as a family on my birthday.”?

Original poster

BeatieBourke · 22/03/2022 21:50

@BessMarvin Exactly. Nothing bad has ever happened to them. A couple of really bad things have happened to me, and others I love. Out of the blue.

They come from a point of view where you can just cross your fingers and take your chances because things like that don't happen to you. I no longer ger have thay privilege.

OP posts:

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 22/03/2022 21:51

Why are you resigned to this? Play the birthday card. Don't he steamrollered.

Original poster

BeatieBourke · 22/03/2022 21:52

@autienotnaughty

This is excellent advice. Thank you.

OP posts:

NumberTheory · 22/03/2022 21:53

If you’re going to go, could you try and arrange a family water safety course for all of you? One that builds survival and water sense skills and might give you and DH a common set of boundaries for what’s reasonable?

BirdWatch · 22/03/2022 21:56

Personally I would just say that I do not at all want to go and I would be annoyed if my db went away for this on my birthday. Not that he would anyways. Just say no, what's there to think about?

BirdWatch · 22/03/2022 21:59

So what if they miss a camp trip with their cousins, they'll live.

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