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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

3 nights camping with in laws 😱

93 replies

BeatieBourke · 22/03/2022 21:27

Help me work out how to navigate this please.

DHs mum and partner have suggested we go camping with DHs brother, his wife, their two kids and DHs sister. Over my birthday.

DHs family have...tensions. We've rarely all been in the same place in 10 years. We aren't allowed to in laws parents (massive) house because it's too much upheaval for them. The last time we all got together was after a funeral at instigation of sister in law. It was on condition that we stay in the garden (helped by covid but not necessary under eased restrictions at the time), fine but a bit strained.

This camping trip is by a big lake. There are canoes involved. The 3 kids are all under 8 and none can swim. I am an anxious parent. I recognise this tendency and do pretty well at keeping it in check most of the time. I'm good at letting DS take risks as a young child should. DH is pretty hap hazard with safety. His mantra - "It'll be fine" - is basically an act of faith that also serves to shut me up and make me feel like an idiot for feeling anxious when I see my son doing something I genuinely think is too dangerous (floating down the river in a canoe with no one near him, running around on top of a cliff). This sets my anxiety off (I have PTSD after a near fatal birth).

Recently, DSs cousins were left unsupervised (by MIL and DHs brother) in their garden which has a river running through it. The youngest fell in. Unseen by a grown up. The oldest (7) somehow fished him out. The "It'll be fine" mantra seems to be a family mentality.

I don't really want to spend my birthday on this camping trip. I was never asked. I don't think 3 days in tents with 3 young kids by a lake and a family that find it hard to spend time together is a recipe for success.

Being underslept and not listened to is going to make my anxiety 10 times worse. I can't suggest DH and DS don't go. They deserve some fun with their siblings / cousins. If I don't go, I will worry about DSs safety.

I've suggested to DH we go for less time. He thinks I'm being pessimistic and is treating me like a neurotic woman.

How would you handle this so that DS doesn't miss out on time with his cousins, DH doesn't think I'm a cow, and I don't spend the whole 3 days being a nervous wreck?

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 22/03/2022 23:00

Four little words op.

"I. Do. Not. Camp."

They have served me very well from the year 1977 when my friends wanted me to go Euro-railing, when the Brownie leader asked if I could help on a trip, when ds's primary bestie wanted us to go camping for a long weekend as families, etc.

Generally I'm quite outward bound: can ride a horse, shoot, sail a boat, etc but I. Do. Not. Camp.

Original poster
BeatieBourke · 22/03/2022 23:45

Thinking about it, why are they even doing this trip while the kids can't swim?

They had family holidays at the same site decades ago. MIL used to sail with her dad as a kid.

The children would be happy (happier?) camping somewhere with, I dunno, crazy golf and giant jenga. The whole lake/canoes thing is for the grown ups. Reenacting some romantic family memories that were probably not that great in the first place. The kids are accessories. They'll probably enjoy it, but it's not geared up for them at all.

This is pretty typical.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 22/03/2022 23:49

Find something else you’d prefer to do for your birthday and then throw a tantrum.

WinterDeWinter · 22/03/2022 23:51

@BeatieBourke

Thinking about it, why are they even doing this trip while the kids can't swim?

They had family holidays at the same site decades ago. MIL used to sail with her dad as a kid.

The children would be happy (happier?) camping somewhere with, I dunno, crazy golf and giant jenga. The whole lake/canoes thing is for the grown ups. Reenacting some romantic family memories that were probably not that great in the first place. The kids are accessories. They'll probably enjoy it, but it's not geared up for them at all.

This is pretty typical.

Oh man this analysis rings very true. Ugh.

Can you adopt the same slightly shaming position, but in reverse, along the lines above?

Blimey, you lot with your Swallows and Amazons aspirationalism, eh? Okay, okay, I guess if you feel really anxious about class we'll throw the kids into the weir for some jolly outdoorsery - but you know Centerparcs exists, right, and that that's all kids really want to do?

DoubleShotEspresso · 22/03/2022 23:59

OP it's a no a complete blanket no.
-The water issue alone would be a negative deciding factor for me
-The camping anyfhckingdayoftheyear over my birthday would be a Hell no.
-Camping at all? Hellish idea - why go on holiday when you're going to be less comfy than at home? Fat noooo
-Angsty family politics along with no bathroom or coffee . Just nah

  • Suggest DH takes DS to a proper campsite without water or cliffs fur a night in the summer? Perhaps a fine compromise

But no way on this earth would i or my child be participating in this sheer hell. Just no no no no

Original poster
BeatieBourke · 23/03/2022 00:01

"Better drowned than duffers. If not duffers, won't drown". Swallows and Amazons 😬

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 23/03/2022 00:31

“It’s my birthday, waah!”

On repeat.

SeaToSki · 23/03/2022 00:47

Just stick like glue to DS the whole time, it will get you out of having to hang out with the adults so much. Anytime you suspect that a dodgy activity is planned sneak off with ds before anyone tells you about their idea, then come back two hours later, oh so sorry, I was spending a lovely time with ds hunting for heart shaped stones #making memories…oh so sorry I fancied an icecream and ds took me to get one as his birthday present to me…oh so sorry ds and I went to climb the hill to lie in the meadow and watch the clouds…. Oh so sorry ds and I went to sainsburys to get some bug spray (and use a proper loo, warm up, have a chippy and maybe go to the cinema)

If you cant beat them, avoid them

PinkArt · 23/03/2022 01:08

'Thanks for the invite but it's my birthday that weekend and I'm planning for us to do literally anything else X plans instead. Have fun!'

Dontbeme · 23/03/2022 01:31

We aren't allowed to in laws parents (massive) house because it's too much upheaval for them

Will they allow you in the tent or will you have to sit in a field? Just tell them no and be honest with yourself OP, how would your anxiety be if DH wasnt about to undermind you?

Ohdofuckofdear · 23/03/2022 02:36

Could you take some of games(larger sets for outdoors)that you think the DC would enjoy?

That way the idiots can go off into the river and the DC will be with the only sensible sounding adult(you)on dry land playing the games and having fun.

LBFseBrom · 23/03/2022 02:41

Sounds like a potential nightmare, especially as the children cannot swim. I've never fancied camping anyway so probably not best judge but in your shoes, I would not go. I'd be ill with stress the whole time.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 23/03/2022 02:42

Is it a lake or a river? If a river I would be concerned. A lake less so. As long as you have agreement from all adults up front that all kids will wear PFDs whenever they are near the water.

Camping is better than being holed up in an AirBnB together. At least you can wander off for walks etc.

tkwal · 23/03/2022 02:42

Maybe I'm over simplifying but, if you're not allowed in their house why are you even considering a camping trip with them ?and it's over your birthday ? In my experience these things sound great while they are being planned ( like picnics) but they never quite meet expectations

Riseholme · 23/03/2022 02:58

I used to worry like you OP.
Now I just say no I’m not doing it.
It’s very liberating.
Fortunately my dh is risk averse like me so has my back.

If you do go have a system whereby the adult in charge knows they’re in charge.
Where water is concerned you can’t have ‘ I thought you were watching them.’
We have a swimming pool and one adult is nominated to watch my dgs and if they need to leave the pool area they check that another adult will watch him and knows they are responsible.

ATeddybearshortofaPicnic · 23/03/2022 06:25

If the kids can’t swim they need proper life jackets and not just bouyancy aids. There’s a difference.

MintJulia · 23/03/2022 06:30

Can't you explain to your DH that this trip is making and will continue to make you utterly miserable, tense, distressed and uncomfortable.

If he loves you, why would he inflict that on you, least of all over your birthday?

Theeyeballsinthefuckingsky · 23/03/2022 06:39

So just to be clear - it’s your birthday weekend & your DH without consulting you has agreed you will all go in a camping trip with PIL who won’t even let you stay in their house? I mean he didn’t say no did he? And now becatse you’re not happy about it, you’re the one in the wrong? As always with these things you have a DH problem not a camping trip problem!

If you go along with it, you’ll be sending the message that it’s actually fine for your birthday to be relegated to things that don’t matter and for him to agree things like this without your input

Also how likely is it that he doesn’t worry so much about the kids being safe because bluntly he knows you will? How likely is it he’ll be in fact chilling round the campfire with his parents while you run around like a blue arsed fly supervising the kids?

You need to nip it in the bud now

Crunchymum · 23/03/2022 06:43

You aren't allowed in the in-laws house?

@BeatieBourke can you expand on this?

patritus · 23/03/2022 06:45

It's over your birthday. Just say no you want to do such and such as a family on your birthday and go ahead and organise it.

Kids love camping but if it's near water they need to be competent swimmers. And 2 nights would be my limit. Kids wake up far too early with the light and birds tweeting etc. They'll be grumpy from not enough sleep

Wnikat · 23/03/2022 06:47

I mean, if you don’t want to go just say so. But plenty of children go on holidays to lakes and beaches all the time without drowning. Can’t you just supervise them? Ask for a different weekend that’s not your birthday too. Say you already have plans for that. And two nights is plenty. But your kids will love it if you can bring yourself to go.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 23/03/2022 06:57

You do enjoy camping.

The kids will have a fantastic time.

Your Ds is used to being in water if he is havjng swimming lessons, and the rule will be no water sports / canoeing etc without life jacket.

I would suggest each family takes responsibility for their own catering and cooking. Don’t get involved in mass catering with a bickering family or where you will be waiting for hours for someone else to start their barbecue.

Take food you enjoy, a special day of treats for your birthday.

Silverstreaks · 23/03/2022 06:59

It's your birthday weekend. Tell them all to bog off.
Go camping when you want, with who you want.
It sounds hellish and I love camping. It needs to be done on your own terms to be stress free and enjoyable.

Beachhuts90 · 23/03/2022 07:00

Why aren't you allowed in their house? That's pretty extreme, I wouldn't go on holiday with someone who had that rule for me.

rookiemere · 23/03/2022 07:01

There's a lot of issues going on here. OP - by your own admission - is over anxious, other DPs and DGPs are too far the other direction and don't keep a constant eye on their young DCs/DGCs.

I think because your DS will enjoy it you should go. Keep him in sight at all time, shout to the other DPs to do likewise if they get in a situation you're concerned about. Take Boots Sleepeze and buy a good camping mat. Eat dinner in a restaurant on your birthday- maybe just the three of you to get some escape from too much family time.