3 nights camping with in laws 😱

[BeatieBourke]

Help me work out how to navigate this please.

DHs mum and partner have suggested we go camping with DHs brother, his wife, their two kids and DHs sister. Over my birthday.

DHs family have...tensions. We've rarely all been in the same place in 10 years. We aren't allowed to in laws parents (massive) house because it's too much upheaval for them. The last time we all got together was after a funeral at instigation of sister in law. It was on condition that we stay in the garden (helped by covid but not necessary under eased restrictions at the time), fine but a bit strained.

This camping trip is by a big lake. There are canoes involved. The 3 kids are all under 8 and none can swim. I am an anxious parent. I recognise this tendency and do pretty well at keeping it in check most of the time. I'm good at letting DS take risks as a young child should. DH is pretty hap hazard with safety. His mantra - "It'll be fine" - is basically an act of faith that also serves to shut me up and make me feel like an idiot for feeling anxious when I see my son doing something I genuinely think is too dangerous (floating down the river in a canoe with no one near him, running around on top of a cliff). This sets my anxiety off (I have PTSD after a near fatal birth).

Recently, DSs cousins were left unsupervised (by MIL and DHs brother) in their garden which has a river running through it. The youngest fell in. Unseen by a grown up. The oldest (7) somehow fished him out. The "It'll be fine" mantra seems to be a family mentality.

I don't really want to spend my birthday on this camping trip. I was never asked. I don't think 3 days in tents with 3 young kids by a lake and a family that find it hard to spend time together is a recipe for success.

Being underslept and not listened to is going to make my anxiety 10 times worse. I can't suggest DH and DS don't go. They deserve some fun with their siblings / cousins. If I don't go, I will worry about DSs safety.

I've suggested to DH we go for less time. He thinks I'm being pessimistic and is treating me like a neurotic woman.

How would you handle this so that DS doesn't miss out on time with his cousins, DH doesn't think I'm a cow, and I don't spend the whole 3 days being a nervous wreck?

It's a suggestion from his DM. I'd be suggesting that camping for a birthday is not happening. Surely if there's any time you can pick what you want to do it's your sodding birthday.
I wouldn't focus on the safety aspect/family dynamics. Constantly repeat it's my birthday and I do not want to spend it camping.

I sympathise completely OP - an event in my family history means that an event such as you describe would be utterly out of the question for me.

Having said that, you can be practical. I believe there is a range of buoyancy aids for small children (eg Nabaji swimwear) which may help to relieve the anxiety a bit. I insisted on these for my children when they were learning to swim. Get one in advance and train your DS to wear it - that way he can have it on at all times when you're not physically linked to him on the trip.

I would go, I would have to say. I think the buoyancy aids are a great idea and you can say to your dh (and the kids) that if they go in or near the water without them on, you are packing up and taking them home. And I would mean it.

After that... I would plan some things. Like a pub meal for your birthday, away from the water somewhere nice nearby? Somewhere you can relax. And maybe a day trip to somewhere else another day - a stately home or a petting zoo or something. Alsi with camping i actively enjoy going to bed at the same time as tge kids- around 10pm - minimising family time of just adults and lots of alcohol.

Break up the time, basically.

IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!!! NO NO NO. Just say no to the whole trip, you won't enjoy it and are planning something else. Fuck that. I literally do not know ANYONE who would go camping. Ever. Maybe you run in some outdoorsy circles but fuck me sleeping in a tent with 3 small children, no toilet, bed or walls is fuckig awful. Don't give a shit if some people think that's weak or spoilt, I'm an adult, I work, I get to decide how to spend my free time! You're an adult, just say no!

Book a weekend away for your birthday so you can’t all go camping

@BeatieBourke

Im resigned to going I suppose, because I can't imagine not being there with the kids in the water.

I'm just going to have to ride it out and suck it up aren't I? And have DH think mental every time I voice a concern about what they've got planned with the kids. I think.I'll just count myself lucky if everyone comes out unscathed.

If it helps at all OP, your DS will absolutely LOVE it. He will have the best time and it is important that children learn to take risks and get a sense of adventure.

Perhaps you could insist on a day doing something different for your actual birthday - perhaps visit a zoo or go the cinema and a meal or something in the nearest town. Give yourself a bit of breathing space.

I do really sympathise but I think you are right to agree to go. If only for your DS who will likely have a fab time.

@stuntbubbles

How would you handle this so that DS doesn't miss out on time with his cousins, DH doesn't think I'm a cow, and I don't spend the whole 3 days being a nervous wreck?

I would simply hobble myself by breaking my ankles with a rounders bat, thus ensuring the trip cannot go ahead. Or change my name and the children’s names and DH’s name and escape the country under cover of darkness. Fake an allergy to lakes. Release a new strain of coronavirus. Break every canoe in the country. Go on sex strike. Yodel relentlessly until DH capitulates. Glue myself to the driveway in front of the car. Literally ANYTHING.

OMG that is hilarious @stuntbubbles. You have given me a good old belly laugh, thank you!

@ForeverSingle881

IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!!! NO NO NO. Just say no to the whole trip, you won't enjoy it and are planning something else. Fuck that. I literally do not know ANYONE who would go camping. Ever. Maybe you run in some outdoorsy circles but fuck me sleeping in a tent with 3 small children, no toilet, bed or walls is fuckig awful. Don't give a shit if some people think that's weak or spoilt, I'm an adult, I work, I get to decide how to spend my free time! You're an adult, just say no!

😂 I hear you! I'm actually quite fond of camping and can see the attraction of the trip. I just think the reality of doing it with a) the whole extended family and b) with kids (when no one has camped with the kids before!!!) is probably going to be different to how the "It'll be fine" brigade imagine it. Call me a pessimist.

Why can’t your kids swim??? Maybe use this opportunity to teach them! It’s your birthday.. not anything major! You sound very ungrateful

@ForeverSingle881

IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!!! NO NO NO. Just say no to the whole trip, you won't enjoy it and are planning something else. Fuck that. I literally do not know ANYONE who would go camping. Ever. Maybe you run in some outdoorsy circles but fuck me sleeping in a tent with 3 small children, no toilet, bed or walls is fuckig awful. Don't give a shit if some people think that's weak or spoilt, I'm an adult, I work, I get to decide how to spend my free time! You're an adult, just say no!

This is what is so amazing about mumsnet - the wealth of experience. You see I always have the assumption that EVERYONE has been camping . It’s a very middle class thing to do though I suppose, so maybe that’s why.

It’s ok to say you don’t want to go and to refuse permission for your child to join in. I’d rather everyone thought I was neurotic and unreasonable than deal with the ‘it’ll be ok’ attitude to water sports.

No, it’s your birthday, you do what you want, not what someone else wants. And camping near a lake with small children sounds like hell. Say you can’t do it this year as you’d already planned / booked xyz. Maybe it’s a thing for when the kids are older ( like 25 and have left home……)

Your DS will have a great time.
Ours loved camping trips and have had their own kayaks/water ski's and surfboards from being 8years old. However they could swim and always wore life jackets.
Do you know how deep the lake is? Because if its somewhere like fisherground in the lake district, I believe its only a couple of feet deep.
I have no words for your DH letting your DC run around on cliff tops though. That is beyond dickish.

We have various bit of water nearby and my DH was a 'it will be fine' attitude.
Swimming at the local pool every week is a must, sorry, but you have to do this. Doesn't have to lessons. Tell yourself 'it will be fun' over and over again.
Go for lots of walks near water - canals, rivers etc. Talk about the water, why you won't fall in, what you would do if you did, what you would do if someone else did.
You have some time to prepare for this, and whether or not you go you should still do this. it's necessary life skills, 8 is perfect. Seize the teaching moment, 'it will be fine' doesn't keep anyone safe.

I love camping and we have had some great times. But not with the PILs in their Caravan of Privilege and not somewhere dangerous and not with 3 primary age children.

My PILs had a habit of organising these controlling whole family jolly camping holidays that you were guilted into going, none ended well. The last one cost me two first class train tickets back from Scotland meaning I missed DHs 50th birthday which they had booked the holiday over without asking him. I think some families just can’t let go of the childhood holidays.

Could your DH and oldest child go, with the threat of slow painful death if he doesn’t follow safe precautions? Have an honorary birthday to make up for it, you can’t always stop the world on your birthday when you’re an adult. All the same YADNBu.

I would go on the proviso that you dp is full time childcare duty. Get/borrow life jackets or suggest a campsite further from water though it would not have concerned me, you supervise young children anyway

If you are resigned to going, your kids can't swim, then my first suggestion is to buy them comfortable buoyancy aids and put them on them all the time.

When we go camping at one specific place the kids all wear them all the time because they are in and out of the water. They don't replace supervision, but they at least give a bit of safety while an adult deals with a situation.

Make sure they fit though - the number of kids I see in gilet style life vests that are way too big for them is unreal. They'll just slip out of them. Too often people buy the most expensive one they can find when well fitting is more important - a pricey one won't help them if they slip out of it in the water.

Also, plan things to do. Games that you can play with the kids so that they are not just with your DH all the time. I'm not into martyring myself in any way, but in your shoes delegate the lunch BBQ to the men folks (who seem to be the most lax) and then take over activities and get the kids running around with rounders or a kite or a treasure hunt. It's effort, but it's also safe activities.

Not all children like camping.

Also people suggesting alcohol will help OP enjoy it, not quite sure alcohol, lake, irresponsible adults and non-swimmer DC is a good mix

@Beachbreak2411

Why can’t your kids swim??? Maybe use this opportunity to teach them! It’s your birthday.. not anything major! You sound very ungrateful

My kid is 6, has swimming lessons, and has lived through 2 years of a pandemic with pools closed, but thanks for your input.

@Beachbreak2411

Why can’t your kids swim??? Maybe use this opportunity to teach them! It’s your birthday.. not anything major! You sound very ungrateful

What on earth is she supposed to be grateful for?

We live near the coast and lots of lakes, and I swim in open water a bit, so we do talk about water safety and DS has swimming lessons, although this was slightly hampered by us being mega skint when he was tiny and then covid.

They'll all have well fitting life jackets. I will go OTT on water safety if nothing else, rather than the opposite. The trouble comes from other people not having the same caution I do, and seeing my caution as neuroticism and somehow not "outdoorsy" enough.

Frame it differently. ‘I don’t want to go over my birthday’, ‘The dc can’t swim, I’m not thrilled to be spending 3 days by deep water’. ‘Can we do x, y and z instead?’ How about a lovely big house where you all stay?

Ok, I've done a ton of camping and even been camping with the in laws.

With regards to the canoeing I think you'll be fine with life jackets. Sounds likely you're alert around water. Is this trip in the UK??

Have you decided who is cooking what? You'll need to decide that beforehand. I can provide Excel templates for this if needed. Costing included.

You will, however, have to have eyes in the back of your head whenever 'chilling' at the campsite due to the proximity of the lake.

No is definitely a complete sentence in this case.....and I like camping! But have suffered enough bad trips to only camp with people I like and who like me....
I would say no until dc can swim ...maybe kick down the road until next year...and not over your birthday