3 nights camping with in laws 😱

[BeatieBourke]

Help me work out how to navigate this please.

DHs mum and partner have suggested we go camping with DHs brother, his wife, their two kids and DHs sister. Over my birthday.

DHs family have...tensions. We've rarely all been in the same place in 10 years. We aren't allowed to in laws parents (massive) house because it's too much upheaval for them. The last time we all got together was after a funeral at instigation of sister in law. It was on condition that we stay in the garden (helped by covid but not necessary under eased restrictions at the time), fine but a bit strained.

This camping trip is by a big lake. There are canoes involved. The 3 kids are all under 8 and none can swim. I am an anxious parent. I recognise this tendency and do pretty well at keeping it in check most of the time. I'm good at letting DS take risks as a young child should. DH is pretty hap hazard with safety. His mantra - "It'll be fine" - is basically an act of faith that also serves to shut me up and make me feel like an idiot for feeling anxious when I see my son doing something I genuinely think is too dangerous (floating down the river in a canoe with no one near him, running around on top of a cliff). This sets my anxiety off (I have PTSD after a near fatal birth).

Recently, DSs cousins were left unsupervised (by MIL and DHs brother) in their garden which has a river running through it. The youngest fell in. Unseen by a grown up. The oldest (7) somehow fished him out. The "It'll be fine" mantra seems to be a family mentality.

I don't really want to spend my birthday on this camping trip. I was never asked. I don't think 3 days in tents with 3 young kids by a lake and a family that find it hard to spend time together is a recipe for success.

Being underslept and not listened to is going to make my anxiety 10 times worse. I can't suggest DH and DS don't go. They deserve some fun with their siblings / cousins. If I don't go, I will worry about DSs safety.

I've suggested to DH we go for less time. He thinks I'm being pessimistic and is treating me like a neurotic woman.

How would you handle this so that DS doesn't miss out on time with his cousins, DH doesn't think I'm a cow, and I don't spend the whole 3 days being a nervous wreck?

Can you not tell them you've made other plans for your birthday. Its a bit shitty of them to plan this without consulting you in case you've made other plans.

No. Just no.

Plan something different for the cousins to enjoy together at another time.

I don’t understand why you thought the poster telling you you are obligated to go was excellent advice, OP?

You are NOT obligated to go, it’s YOUR birthday weekend, tell DH that you want to spend it doing x, y and z.

Yeah. People don’t get to ban you from their house due to their own personal ‘covid risk assessment’ and then refuse to follow your very sensible ‘water risk assessment’ for your own child. I’d remind them that you followed their rules so they can respect yours whether they agree with them or not!

Just because plenty of children don't drown doesn't alleviate your anxiety. It's a pretty low bar for a holiday outcome, and doesn't take into account your stress levels, but also the fact that you're the mum, but are totally marginalised.
If you go along with this, it'll get worse.
I'd refuse for myself and the children.

No. That's a miserable way to spend your birthday.

Putting all the other issues aside, I would veto this whole trip on the basis of the three non-swimming DC under 8 having potentially unsupervised access to deep water. This has drowning tragedy written all over it. You will have to watch all 3 of them like a hawk, not only when they are swimming in the water but the whole time. It takes less than a minute for a child to drown and what often happens is that they slip off while their parents are busy cooking or doing something else.

If you do go, I would refuse to help with any of the chores or anything (putting up tents, cooking etc.) and make it clear that my role was to supervise the DC around the water. I would refuse to be distracted from that for even a few minutes.

The last time we all got together was after a funeral at instigation of sister in law 😂😂😂 what did she do - arrange for the death???😂

Camping sounds ghastly.
Let DH go with children, have a nice weekend away by yourself.

@Trisolaris

Yeah. People don’t get to ban you from their house due to their own personal ‘covid risk assessment’ and then refuse to follow your very sensible ‘water risk assessment’ for your own child. I’d remind them that you followed their rules so they can respect yours whether they agree with them or not!

Good point. Painting the OP as the neurotic mother is concerning as well.

@UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea

Is it a lake or a river? If a river I would be concerned. A lake less so. As long as you have agreement from all adults up front that all kids will wear PFDs whenever they are near the water.

Camping is better than being holed up in an AirBnB together. At least you can wander off for walks etc.

If you stay in an Air B&B you can go out for walks. You can also get more peace and privacy, and lock the door to stop small children running off.

Can think of nothing worse and I feel if you go along with this now, your DH will think it's fine to just agree to things without speaking to you first. If I absolutely had to go, it would be for one night and then go with your own wee family and do something you want to do for your birthday.

Camping, that would be a straight no from me, regardless of who I was going with. Camped one night, never to repeat the experience again. Just awful.

In this day and age of health and safety, I cannot believe that a family campsite near a lake or with a lake, doesn't have the lake firmly fenced off from the general family campsite. Equally I cannot think that anywhere that provides canoes for hire doesn't have canoe lessons going on - or at v ery least you can't hire a canoe without the buoyancy aid and a basic 'this is how you do it' lesson. Likewise, surely there will be trained lifeguard staff at least one of which will be on the lake in a small rescue boat at all times.

I suggest to allay your fears you look up said campsite and boating facilities, familiarise yourself with the place online, and learn the rules which you can teach your kids eg no climbing over the fence to the lake.
And as people above have said, teach your children basic water safety rules between now and then. If there's time, and somewhere local enough take them for a first canoe lesson so they understand how canoes work, how to paddle them - it may frighten you to know that they get the kid linking up canoes and then standing up and swapping canoes in the (shallow) water, but they do this in the shallows and all wearing the correct lifejackets. at least they do here at both the local watersports centres) Gives them confidence on moving about within their canoe, makes them less wobbly

I don’t have anxiety but this all just sounds unsafe. The IL’s attitude around kids and safety is worrying.

I would put my foot down and say I’m not going and neither is DC. I’d explain exactly why. I’d argue and shout and cry and if it leads to a massive issue so be it.

Your dh considers people who won't allow you to cross their threshold his family?
Fuck that.

Only on page 1 but ...

Don't go. Fake illness, get a real illness, or just throw all the toys out of the pram. There is no way I'd go camping on my birthday.

Oh fuck no.

Even putting aside your anxieties about water safety, the very fact it is your birthday and you don’t get on well with your in laws is a very reasonable reason to refuse to go.

I don’t mean this in a MN, passive aggressive way, but you need to think about how you can assert your totally understandable feelings to your DH. You’re letting yourself be railroaded into spending time, money and mental and physical energy on a trip that sounds like a recipe for familial fall out.