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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be a parental carer in future?

190 replies

janeseymour78 · 20/03/2022 20:57

My mother has been a carer for the last ten years to her parents. She partially did this so that my grandparent could stay at home. At the beginning it was very hard and time consuming and she said 'if I get I'll like that in future please just put me in a home'. I would argue she has done barely anything with her life aside from this in that time.

The other day she said that homes are terrible places because anyone that goes there dies within months of arrival. She also commented on how much costs had been saved by keeping grandparent at home. So this change of tune makes me think she now expects me to give up my life in a similar way if need be.

I have always had a complicated relationship with my mother - she wasn't a great parent due to her own issues and acknowledges this.

Recently I have started thinking she is getting older and I should consider talking to her about if/when she gets ill in future. About how we would handle it. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
janeseymour78 · 20/03/2022 20:58

I have already noticed her wanting to spend more time with me and rely on me for things lately. It makes me nervous, like she is paving the way.

OP posts:
SmellyOldOwls · 20/03/2022 21:01

To be honest (unless you have loads of money) you only get a place in a home if you really desperately need one these days. Sometimes even then you don't get one. By the time this decision needs to be made the picture will look so different that there's no point even worrying about it at this stage.

Toddlerteaplease · 20/03/2022 21:01

I get on really well with my parents. And I'm a nurse. But he'll will freeze over before I become their carer.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 20/03/2022 21:01

Can you help her source outside help now so that becomes the norm?
Yanbu to prevent history repeating op.

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 20/03/2022 21:06

@SmellyOldOwls - that's good to know. I didn't even realise that.

Her uncle went into a home 10 years ago and died with 1 1/2 months of arrival. My other grandad also wasn't treated very well in one - so her fears aren't totally unfounded but by saying this I feel like she is passively aggressive ly saying she doesn't want to go into one in future.

She has given up a decade of life to these caring responsibilities. I wouldn't do this and I don't want her to expect this of me just because she did it.

OP posts:
yoyo1234 · 20/03/2022 21:46

I think you are right to think about yourself. She may have given up many years to care for her parents (does she have siblings that could have shared the work?) But that doesn't mean you have to. What other responsibilities due you have (children, potentially grand children later), how required is your wage to support yourself and your family?

GeneLovesJezebel · 20/03/2022 21:49

My MIL is thriving in her care home. She is being bathed, wears clean clothes, and has put on weight from eating 3 meals a day.
She still says she wants to go home, but she’s far better off there.

venusandmars · 20/03/2022 22:37

So difficult, because you cannot predict what might happen. MIL and FIL are 93 and live in their own home. One is frail and immobile, the other has dementia. They live 2+ hours from all family. Social Services have done an assessment and have agreed they need / are entitiled to care and support. BUT... they are short of staff and can't do anything! They live in a rural area and there are no local charities.

Despite their fragile existance (4 emergency hospital visits in 3 months) they don't qualify for residential care. Moving the PIL with dementia to another place would undoubtably cause massive deterioration.

PILs would not have wanted their dc to be providing care (or paying for it). But there's not much choice.

In the meantime, family have sorted out private care of varous sorts (physio, cleaning, help with food) and are paying for it. Plus every child is helping with care, including showering.

BlackishTulips · 20/03/2022 22:48

I plan to care for my parents. But on my terms. If they want me to care for them, they will have to move to a location which is convenient to me, and generally accept my limitations. I have a very open relationship with them, and they know they are not entitled to family care, and that they’ll have to meet me halfway. Once they are no longer in a position to do so, we’ll reevaluate.
This might sound harsh, but is what we have agreed after the experience of caring for their parents.

MrsSkylerWhite · 20/03/2022 22:50

Really love my mum and stepdad. No way will I be caring for them, though. They’d hate it, too. You are most definitely not unreasonable.

SomePosters · 20/03/2022 22:58

I would care for my mum over putting her in a home. She earned it!

If yours hasn’t then don’t

No one can make you

AcrossthePond55 · 20/03/2022 23:26

My mum & auntie cared for their parents in their home, running back and forth from their homes to their parents home everyday. It wore both of them out and really limited their lives. Eventually they had to put Gran in a care home after Grandad died and her needs became more than they could handle. She said she never wanted my sibs and I to have to do what they did. She and Dad made sure they had the resources to fund their own care.

When Mum's dementia got so bad she couldn't stay in her home (even with my DB living with her) we found a lovely place for her. She was well cared for and well fed, the home was cheerful, sweet smelling, and they had many activities for their residents. She was there for almost 8 years until she died from Covid.

We each have to make our own decision on what is best for us and our elderly relative. As long as we make sure they're in the best place they can be and that they're well cared for, no one needs to feel regret. And no one should feel 'superior' because they choose one option over the other.

housemaus · 20/03/2022 23:38

My mum is very, very clear she doesn't want me or my sister caring for her, having done the same for my grandma with vascular dementia for 5 years (and subsequently ending up needing in-patient treatment for a breakdown from the stress and awfulness of it).

In reality, I'll play it by ear: there's a level of care I wouldn't think twice about, but depending on her health and requirements, I think I'll feel a little easier about trying to find her somewhere as good as possible to live with professionals instead after she's been so clear about her wishes.

housemaus · 20/03/2022 23:41

@housemaus

My mum is very, very clear she doesn't want me or my sister caring for her, having done the same for my grandma with vascular dementia for 5 years (and subsequently ending up needing in-patient treatment for a breakdown from the stress and awfulness of it).

In reality, I'll play it by ear: there's a level of care I wouldn't think twice about, but depending on her health and requirements, I think I'll feel a little easier about trying to find her somewhere as good as possible to live with professionals instead after she's been so clear about her wishes.

Sorry - by this I meant, I have seen how difficult (and soul-destroying) caring for a parent can be. I don't feel someone should be ashamed to say they couldn't do it, or just didn't want to - I certainly don't, and I'm very grateful that my mum has been so unequivocal about it. There are good and great care homes out there, they're there for a reason, and you have to think about yourself too. Don't feel guilty for that.
LondonQueen · 20/03/2022 23:54

My parents live over 2 hours away, no way will I be their carer. I will find the money to put them in a home or get private care brought to their home. My DB would probably leave them to rot away, so unfortunately the onus is on me.

HeddaGarbled · 21/03/2022 00:21

When she’s in a position to need care, you contact her local social services. They do an assessment of need. They’ll prefer to keep her at home with daily care visits because it’s much cheaper than full time care in a care home.

At the moment, if she has savings over £23,500, she’ll have to pay for the care herself (approx £20 per hour). This is called self-funding. Once her savings drop below the threshold, you go back to social services for a financial assessment and they’ll part fund it with some contribution from her from her pension/savings. Once her savings drop below £16,000, they’ll pay more but still expect her to contribute some from her pension, but leaving her enough for her normal living expenses. Her home, if she owns one, will be excluded from the financial assessment whilst she receives care at home.

If she reaches the point where care at home isn’t enough, then the next stage is a care home, but this will not be social services preferred option as it is so expensive (£1000 per week, for example, compared to £400 ish for 3 daily homecare visits).

Your role will be to organise all this not to actually do the care. Plus you’ll need to think about shopping, cleaning, medical appointments and general life admin. That’s enough to keep you busy and at a continuous low level of stress peaking at times of crisis.

Age U.K. is a good source of advice and support as is Alzheimer’s.org.U.K.

godmum56 · 21/03/2022 00:24

You don't say how old or fit your mother is but if you don't want to address the thing head on and potentially risk becoming estranged from your mother, I'd soft pedal it a bit. if she asks for promises or assurance then you might want to be more direct but unles there is a drip feed, you are worrying about something that may never happen. I just checked the stats and only 4% of all over 65's ever go into residential care. Its interesting because although the actual number of people over 65 is rising, the percentage of those needing res care seems to have remained the same for quite some time....maybe around 40 years which is when i first heard that statistic.

NightshiftNancy · 21/03/2022 00:41

I will care for my parents and or PIL if they need and want it - It's just part of who I am. I have the knowledge and experience to do it well.
I do not expect it from my children. They didn't ask to be born and don't owe me a thing.

I think open conversation about death, organ donation, care arrangements and priorities that make an individual's quality of life better is a very important thing that just doesn't happen often enough. If you can have a discussion without falling out it may save alot of heartache in future.

Lalliella · 21/03/2022 00:48

I don’t think this is worth worrying about now. My mum is 86 and keeps changing her mind about whether or not she wants to go in a home in the future. Right now she can cope in her own home with a bit of help from me and my brother. If she needs care in the future to the point it’s better for her to go in a home I’ll address it with her at the time.

Your mum may not ever need care. She might live healthily to a ripe old age then drop dead suddenly from a heart attack. It simply isn’t worth worrying about now.

DreamTheMoors · 21/03/2022 01:03

My parents fed me, bathed me, sheltered me for the first 18 years of my life, and then put me through 4 years of university.
They did the same for my siblings.
As they got older and needed a bit of help, I found it exceedingly simple to spend a bit of time pitching in to help them.
We had many good times and laughs and it was never a burden for me.
I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
I miss them both terribly.

NotMeNoNo · 21/03/2022 01:30

There are so many variables, how close you live to parents, how well adapted is their house or yours, is dementia or illness a factor, are you retired or still working? And that's before does the person want to be helped or co operate?
Popping round with a bit of shopping is not the same as 24 hour care (or on call) for someone with complex health issues.
We have had a very tricky few months when PILs need for help suddenly escalated. My SIL was confident she would support them but was driven to a breakdown from the strain. We have all adjusted our ideas now.

Flatandhappy · 21/03/2022 02:10

You need to decide what, if anything, you are prepared to do for her as she gets older and then have a conversation about it. She may want more than you are willing to provide which will make it a difficult conversation but the bottom line is that if you are not willing to do what she wants it is better she knows sooner rather than later so she can make alternative plans.

Original poster
janeseymour78 · 21/03/2022 13:24

This is my thinking @Flatandhappy - the reason I'd rather bring it up is because her parents hadn't discussed their wishes with her and suddenly the illnesses had arrived.

The fact she is bad mouthing homes, rightly or wrongly, makes me think her expectation would be to always stay at home with a lot of help from me.

I am not saying I'm not willing to help when the time comes - I'm saying I'm not willing to be a carer with the dedication she has. I'm not willing to give my own life up like that.

It is a hard conversation to start - I'm not really sure how to broach it.

OP posts:
eldora · 21/03/2022 13:30

She’s got a cheek expecting this of you when she wasn’t a good mum to you.

I’d respond each time saying a care home is inevitable for most of us.

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/03/2022 13:35

DreamTheMoors

My parents fed me, bathed me, sheltered me for the first 18 years of my life, and then put me through 4 years of university.
They did the same for my siblings.
As they got older and needed a bit of help, I found it exceedingly simple to spend a bit of time pitching in to help them.
We had many good times and laughs and it was never a burden for me.
I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
I miss them both terribly.“

With respect for what you did, for a lot of people “pitching in” doesn’t even touch the sides and good times and laughs are simply not a possibility. Full time care can be soul destroying and break the carter’s health, too. I certainly wouldn’t wish it on our children.