To not want to be a parental carer in future?

[janeseymour78]

My mother has been a carer for the last ten years to her parents. She partially did this so that my grandparent could stay at home. At the beginning it was very hard and time consuming and she said 'if I get I'll like that in future please just put me in a home'. I would argue she has done barely anything with her life aside from this in that time.

The other day she said that homes are terrible places because anyone that goes there dies within months of arrival. She also commented on how much costs had been saved by keeping grandparent at home. So this change of tune makes me think she now expects me to give up my life in a similar way if need be.

I have always had a complicated relationship with my mother - she wasn't a great parent due to her own issues and acknowledges this.

Recently I have started thinking she is getting older and I should consider talking to her about if/when she gets ill in future. About how we would handle it. AIBU?

Surely no parent worth their salt would be selfish enough to allow their busy adult DC in the prime of their life with jobs and families of their own to become their carer?! It's what we 'scrimp and save' for all our lives isn't it? To buy in care and help as needed and let our DC live their own opportunities after they've had theirs.

My DM ended up on antidepressants and BP meds running round after my GM. It certainly tainted their relationship and left unpleasant memories at the end. I would sure feel a lot less of any parent that expected this of me.
We all have choices OP. Just do what you want. You don't actually have to do anything.In fact, letting a crisis develop is often the best way to force resistant change.

My FIL stayed at home with only my DH looking after him until he died two years ago. My mum died two weeks ago at home. She had Alzheimer's and was bed bound and non verbal at the end. I had looked after her long with a carer for decades.

Mum never looked after her own parents, but expected me to look after her. I think I'll probably need counselling at some stage soon as I'm not in a great way now.

It will be a cold day in hell before I allow my kids to look after me.

Unless your mum has 60k a year just sitting around to pay for a care home, just "going I to a home" wont be an option for her. She'll only be admitted if she is unable to manage at home with carers, and even then you may need to fight.

I think you'd be better off starting as you mean to go on (not taking on caring responsibilities)

Start the conversation off re what she (not you, she) is going to do. Mine presented me with a key to her house 'in case of a fall' and I had to point out that, given I live two hours away and travel all over U.K. for work, the chances of me getting to her house on the same day as a fall were fairly remote. I've suggested she also give a key to a couple of her local friends. Whether she will is another matter "I wouldn't want to bother them!"

Unless your mum is incapacitated now and needs help why do you think you need to talk to her about it? If she can't look after herself, doesn't wash, doesn't remember to wear clean clothes and skips meals then I understand, but her just talking about it doesn't mean it's anywhere near decision time.

My mum is now in a care home and actually she loves it - it is one with the same ethos as her religion though. After my dad died we did try having her to live with us but it was extremely difficult in all sorts of ways. She expected a lot of attention as my dad had given her and we both work full time, she wouldn't go anywhere else to meet people so she was often by herself and her strict religious views clashed, especially with one of my DCs. She always said she didn't want to go to a home, but I honestly believe she prefers it there, we couldn't live up to her expectations of how we should be!

I am really hoping that when the time comes for more care, they will be able to move in with us and we can buy in some extra home help and adjust the house to be more safe. (Assuming the needs are not severe). I do see it as selfish when an older person wants to maintain their independence and their own household, but actually has become very dependent and their kids are running around doing errands that could be saved by just living together. Nothing wrong at all with being dependent (we all are sometimes, it’s part of life) but I hope they are humble enough to admit they’ve reached that point.

@PinkFluffyUnicornSlippers

Personally I think you’re being selfish but then again I love my mum 🤷‍♀️ I just want her to be safe in her old age.

How very fucking DARE you imply that a relative going into care means they’re not loved

There’s a hell of a lot of judgement on this thread and it’s not very nice.

Both my parents ended their days in a card home due to Alzheimer’s disease combined with other physical issues. My dad needed to go into the home when me moving in with him combined with carers visiting 4x a day just wasn’t enough. I’ll never forget being in the taxi with him looking back at the house he’d built with my mum and knowing he wasn’t going back there.

I lost most of my children’s childhoods to looking after my mum, as the situation was very complex due to her having Alzheimer’s so young,. We’. never get that time back, and hell will freeze over before I’d allow my children to do the same for me.

It’s only since my dad died almost 2 years ago that I’ve had any kind of a life and got my mental health back. I’d never have not done it, but my god it came at a price.

Walk a mile in my shoes before you make pronouncements about “of course I will, I love them”

With Alzheimer's the person often will get to a stage where they don't are their child anymore. I looked after mum, took her out for trips in her wheelchair twice a week shopping, for meals etc til very near the end, but she didn't know who I was. I was a carer to her. She remembered my siblings and would buy presents and cards etc for them, but when I said it was my birthday soon she said 'why would I care about that, I only care about my son'. Caring for an elderly person can be a total headfuck.

I won't be providing care for my parents;I owe them absolutely nothing.Not after the way they treated me during my childhood.

The only thing I will be doing is providing care for my brother with additional needs when my parents aren't able to anymore.

@geekchicz

That’s what happened to us FilbbertyGiblets. Also people don’t understand what dementia is - there’s a whole spectrum between grandma nodding gently in the corner reminiscing about the past and people needing to be sectioned at the later stages . People do “ manage “ with dementia in the early stages but it goes on for years . My mother regularly believed she was living a duplicate house right down to the carpets, pictures etc . She was angry and regular took her frustration out on me as her world shrunk and shifted like sand She could at that time just about make a cup of tea and knew who the prime minister was . Dementia is a devious disease. 1 in 4 of us will get it . My mother had a small stroke in her mid 70s and it all stemmed from there . I started off organising online shopping and right at them end I was doing intimate care with professional paid carers because of the Pingdemic and the awful situation we were in

A friend's housemate had her elderly mother move in with them for a few weeks whilst they found an alternative care home for her (there was some serious issues with safeguarding with the former care home).

My friend helped her housemate with care as they both worked.The elderly mother had dementia;she needed constant supervision,had no concept of night or day and didn't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time.She would have flashbacks to the past including traumatic events in her life;unfortunately these flashbacks were as real to her as if she was actually living those moments again.

I cared for my mum at home when i was 22 and dd was 1 . She got cancer and refused to go into hospital after it came back. She would scream at me for calling the gp or anyone else. She suffered incontinence but refused a pad or slip. She needed nursing care for her surgery wounds but expected me do it. I made a promise to my dd and then my other two dc

that they would never have to care for me. Any good parent will want their dc to live their own life.

I worry about this. My DM is pretty ignorant to ageing and refuses to commit to the basics, like a will or a funeral plan... She doesn't seem to connect the dots that it's just more work left to her children. Definitely doesn't have the funds for a home/care. It's a scary prospect. She did start to drop hints about granny flats and the like, but I ignored them. I feel like I need to have this conversation

There's a big difference in popping in to help occasionally, and having to be there 3, 4 or 5 times a day to physically take someone to every bathroom break, clean them and their home, cook and deal with the emotional burden. Which I have seen happen second hand.

Frankly it's selfish. Parenting doesn't end. It's a job for life and if a parent doesn't make plans for the end of theirs that considers the impact of their children, then it shows a parents lack of care and frankly bad parenting.

Once a degenerative disease takes hold it is like managing an entirely second life, with the carer sacrificing their own to some extent. A child doesn't owe a parent that, regardless of how good/bad their upbringing was.

I wish we would talk about death more openly as a society.

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if I am repeating.

The most important thing to consider is POA. This needs sorting out well in advance. So many people leave the mistake of leaving it until they see obvious signs of mental decline, in which case it is often too late. This needs to be organised whilst the person you care for, or are involved in the care of, is lucid and capable. Don't leave it too late.

@iklboo

You employ carers.

Who don't come free of charge. They're not cheap and costs can escalate hugely depending on what you need them to do. Not an option for everyone.

They're funded by the council in the same way a home is.

I'd personally rather go to dignitas than go in a home or be a burden on my husband or son.

My Mum and Dad have spent their entire retirement looking after my Nan. Both parents have deteriating health and are still looking after Nan. They have categorically told me they do not want me to look after them.

Dad thinks he is going to die before Nan. They deserve some happiness.

Gwenhwyfar

"My two siblings have no children so I would think they should be in line before me! "

WTF? You chose to have children.“

Absolutely this.

As pp's have said, there is a massive difference between helping out with shopping or lifts to hospital appointments, maybe gardening or cleaning/laundry to actual personal care.

If I lived closer to my mother I would be happy to help you with the shopping etc, I'd pay for gardening and cleaning, but any personal care needs to be done by professionals who have training in how to lift people etc.

My father lived in sheltered accommodation so he managed on his own with a cleaner and me arranging online shopping until six months before he died, and then he was in a home. It took two people to take him to the toilet. Those of you who think caring for elderly people is so easy need to do some research.

ProfessorScarlett

Yanbu. This is why all should be paying into a private pension, so that they can afford decent care when old“

Marvellous. Wish everyone had thought of that.
Minimum wage, struggling to cover the spiralling bills, eating 15p noodles, kids school shoes too small. How exactly do these millions of people take out a private pension?

My DM is pretty ignorant to ageing and refuses to commit to the basics, like a will or a funeral plan

a will is important - I can't see the point of a funeral plan though unless are much better off than your children (but even then I thought the costs would come out of the estate rather than children having to pay upfront).

and in my post above I mean her not you ;)

This is why all should be paying into a private pension, so that they can afford decent care when old

expensive does not = decent, unfortunately

You can plan all you like but to be honest, it's never how you think it's going to be and you just have to deal with it all when a crisis happens.

I have observed how they do things in my husbands culture with regards to parental care.

Firstly, I believe this is why they have a lot of children. To spread the burden.

My grandmother inlaw went partially blind from diabetes but was mobile she would spend 3 months in each child's house being looked after. All of the other siblings would help going to whoever house is was.

It didn't look too strenuous, most people had children and she would become another fixture in the home. The adults also seemed to be in competition trying to be the best host, having parties etc it never seemed depressing. By the end of the 3 months though you could tell the host was fed up but then she would move on. (I knew this from my mum in laws turn)

This would even take her across different countries as a lot of her children lived abroad.

This is in a culture where care homes don't exist so I'm guessing its not a choice its just something they are expected to take on.

When it got too bad and she became immobile she spend most of the time at her home with a paid for carer but then all of her children would take turns staying with her and keeping her company and taking her out.

I like to think that I would do that for my mum but my mum only had 3 children and what if she has complex care needs?

Is there a hybrid system of care, where you can have a carer part time if needed?

I also think about myself, what do I want when I'm older? Will I burden my children ?

My own grandmother was looked after heavily by my mum whilst my auntie didn't really do anything. It seemed like she needed a lot of care and me and my sisters would often take her to appointments etc.

After a while she moved into a care home and was 'out of the way'. I would visit her but not often and shamefully it was because it was boring and depressing.

The most common solution these days is for elderly people to stay in their own home and have visits from social services carers to help with dressing, meals etc. It's actually quite hard to get a funded place in a home. If and when your mum gets to the stage of being eligible for a home it may well be impossible for you to care for her at home anyway. That's the case for both my relatives who have gone into homes. They started wondering at night, refusing to go to bed etc.

a will is important - I can't see the point of a funeral plan though unless are much better off than your children (but even then I thought the costs would come out of the estate rather than children having to pay upfront).

Unless you have insurance the children have to pay for the funeral up front. Probate can take months, even with a will. They can reclaim from the estate, but very few funeral directors these days will act without payment.

My DF’s bank said they’d release the money for his funeral early but it was only 2k so I paid it and then took it out of the estate when probate was issued 4 weeks after his death.