To not want to be a parental carer in future?

[janeseymour78]

My mother has been a carer for the last ten years to her parents. She partially did this so that my grandparent could stay at home. At the beginning it was very hard and time consuming and she said 'if I get I'll like that in future please just put me in a home'. I would argue she has done barely anything with her life aside from this in that time.

The other day she said that homes are terrible places because anyone that goes there dies within months of arrival. She also commented on how much costs had been saved by keeping grandparent at home. So this change of tune makes me think she now expects me to give up my life in a similar way if need be.

I have always had a complicated relationship with my mother - she wasn't a great parent due to her own issues and acknowledges this.

Recently I have started thinking she is getting older and I should consider talking to her about if/when she gets ill in future. About how we would handle it. AIBU?

@PinkFluffyUnicornSlippers

Personally I think you’re being selfish but then again I love my mum 🤷‍♀️ I just want her to be safe in her old age.

Did you even read the OP?

@DreamTheMoors

My parents fed me, bathed me, sheltered me for the first 18 years of my life, and then put me through 4 years of university. They did the same for my siblings. As they got older and needed a bit of help, I found it exceedingly simple to spend a bit of time pitching in to help them. We had many good times and laughs and it was never a burden for me. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I miss them both terribly.

I find these paragraphs so beautiful. You must be a nice person.

I would be really happy to "pitch in".
However, my brother Fecked off to the States 30 years ago. My sister can literally go 6 months without seeing my mum. She is increasingly dependent on me.
So, I have done 25 years of Xmas, birthdays and all the rest. I won't be doing personal care. Frankly I think I am a good person but the whole "you are a good person if you look after them until they die" makes me sick

My Gran was in a home for 9 years before she passed away (in her nineties). It was a nice place, she was kept clean, comfortable and well fed, and her daughter (my mum) went to visit her daily. She was self-funding after selling her house. My mum had made it clear to her that she would not be able to look after her at home. Being a carer isn't for everyone.

I feel so upset to hear I am not a nice person as DM and DMIL both moved into a home as there was only so much we could do.
I feel the not nice people are the siblings who turned their backs

I could have written your post op except that my parents didn't care for their parents at all.

Years ago my mum said to "just stick her in a home, as she didn't want to be a burden". She was diagnosed with dementia a few years ago and dad was her "carer" (in quotes because he was doing a rubbish job). He had a stroke just before Christmas and is confused, paranoid and incapable of living back at home. Mum can't manage at home, but won't acknowledge this at all. She has a place in a beautiful care home, which is the same one that dad was placed in following his discharge from hospital. She is supposed to be going in on Thursday. I fully expect this to turn physical on my mums' part and we are dreading it.

I live 2 hours away and my brother and his wife have been doing so much to help, but it can't go on. I'm trying to put myself in my parents shoes, but it's incredibly difficult to sympathise when it's all so awful. They have this fantasy of being independant, which has never really been the case due to their lifelong disabilities. If I'm honest I feel quite angry about it as their personalities and decisions when we were wrong impacted us all quite badly. AHHHH.

I've just realised that I've offloaded on your thread op. Apologies for that, but I know a little bit of how you feel.

Oh and my dad knew, or should have known, that mum would end up in a care home once dementia was diagnosed, but due to his own fear of care homes he has spent the last 5 years hard wiring my mum into believing that care homes are bad. Ironic that he is now in one and we are dealing with my mum's problems without him.

Some of the posts on here are making me . Have a bit of empathy for those with less than lovely parents FFS.

Even if you have lovely parents being a carer is so difficult.

In a few years there will not be enough care spaces available for those that need them, let alone those that want them. A lot of us without money will have no choice.

@NeedleNoodle3

Even if you have lovely parents being a carer is so difficult.

Yes it is.

All those saying what they would care for theirelderly parents sound like they are talking hypothetically. How about they come back when they done it for 5 years or so. See how you feel then.

I don't know that wanting is what it comes down to in most cases. If people are lucky, it may be that, but more often it is a matter of necessity whether you are putting someone into care or caring for them at home.

I don't wonder that anyone might not be keen to go to a care facility, I know some are great but many are horror stories. Especially now when we see how elderly people can have their rights to go out or have visitors utterly stripped from them as if it were nothing, even where the care is itself good.

No one has to want that role, but we also have an obligation to family. Or, if we don't, why would we imagine that anyone else (ie taxpayers) does?

@BeyondMyWits

In a few years there will not be enough care spaces available for those that need them, let alone those that want them. A lot of us without money will have no choice.

So what are families like ours supposed to do? I do childcare for my grandchildren and live 2 hours away from my parents. My brother is self employed and will lose his house and business if he has to care for our parents.

Now a care home is an option, so I feel no guilt in taking that opportunity.

I think a big problem is the period of time before a care home is needed but after your parents being able to manage at home independently. This bit can go on for years. So many old people I know won’t accept any care ‘because they can manage’ but are fine having their DC come over and do the care.

NCd for this.
I would encourage them to source gardeners cleaners now so they get used to help coming in before they get to the point of needing personal care help. You also need to ask what plans they have put in place (including POA etc) for when they are older.

My elderly parents are in the same lovely nursing home (they are doubly incontinent, immobile and need 24hr medical and personal care - lewy body dementia/stroke). Its palliative care now. My DH is also now wheelchair bound, so I cannot provide nursing care for all 3 of them and work fulltime! After my DHs initial diagnosis I spoke to DPs and asked them what plan they had in place for their care in old age as I would not be able to work and care for everyone and my priority would need to be my DH and DC. DF was furious and obviously had expectations. DM was upset but understood and they downsized and were self reliant for many years before illness struck.
I do struggle juggling DPs care needs and fulltime work and may have to go part time soon which will impact my pension long term.
My brothers and their families live 45mins away and DPs did a lot of childcare for them, and to my knowledge they have never once offered any help with any aspect of our DPs care in recent years and rarely visit them now as they apparently find it bad for their own mental health to see them as they are now . Basically I have a vagina so will sort it all out! They found it much easier than me to switch off. Although I imagine they'll be fast enough asking if there's any inheritance left after the care home fees have been paid!

My parents refuse to help/babysit do anything with my children. They are totally indifferent to anything I am or have gone through.
My dad was abusive, physically and verbally.

Yes, they paid for my schooling, university and house deposit, but that doesn't mean I owe them anything, apart from some cash.

There is no way in hell I'll be caring for them.

I've already told my adult DD that, under no circumstances was she to be my carer when I get to that stage. She's worked hard for the life she has and I don't want her giving it up out of a sense of duty to me.

@DreamTheMoors

My parents fed me, bathed me, sheltered me for the first 18 years of my life, and then put me through 4 years of university. They did the same for my siblings. As they got older and needed a bit of help, I found it exceedingly simple to spend a bit of time pitching in to help them. We had many good times and laughs and it was never a burden for me. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I miss them both terribly.

I'm really glad you found it 'exceedingly simple' and 'had many good times and laughs.'

Unfortunately, caring for people isn't always like that. It can be incredibly gruelling and distressing and for some people it can ruin their relationship with their parents. Also, there's a big difference between 'spending a bit of time pitching in' and being the full time carer for someone who might have extremely challenging mental and physical problems to manage.

I'm genuinely really pleased for you that your situation worked out happily. But there are many, many different caring situations and many different familial relationships and set-ups. Not wanting to be a full time carer to an elderly parent doesn't mean you love them any less. I adore my dad but I couldn't possibly care for him safely at home. I can't afford not to work and he needs 24-hour specialist care; plus he would be mortified at the idea of his daughter having to bathe him and change his incontinence pads.

@godmum56

You don't say how old or fit your mother is but if you don't want to address the thing head on and potentially risk becoming estranged from your mother, I'd soft pedal it a bit. if she asks for promises or assurance then you might want to be more direct but unles there is a drip feed, you are worrying about something that may never happen. I just checked the stats and only 4% of all over 65's ever go into residential care. Its interesting because although the actual number of people over 65 is rising, the percentage of those needing res care seems to have remained the same for quite some time....maybe around 40 years which is when i first heard that statistic.

It does rise to about 15 pc of over 85s but still very much the minority. What used to be 'needs a care home ' can often nowadays be provided in one's own home

Just because your Mum has chosen this path doesn’t mean it has to be yours. Obviously you help your parents out as they get older but that is very different to being a carer. I think you are jumping the gun as well, who says she will need a carer? Lots of old people don’t. I know a few very elderly people who are quite independent.

@knittingaddict

Some of the posts on here are making me . Have a bit of empathy for those with less than lovely parents FFS.

Yes, exactly. And also for those whose parents were lovely once but became a lot less lovely due to the ravages of dementia. Even a lovely parent can be aggressive, hurtful and even violent if they've got certain conditions. My friend's dad, with whom she always had a wonderful relationship, is now at a stage of dementia where he has huge temper outbursts, throws things and is physically violent, and he also makes sexually inappropriate comments to every woman he sees, including her. She couldn't possibly care for him at home, especially with her kids in the house too.

@NeedleNoodle3

I think a big problem is the period of time before a care home is needed but after your parents being able to manage at home independently. This bit can go on for years. So many old people I know won’t accept any care ‘because they can manage’ but are fine having their DC come over and do the care.

Exactly. We have arranged carers to come into my mum's home because she isn't safe alone and won't eat. She won't let them do anything. Not a thing, so they are being paid a furtune to basically make sure that mum doesn't blow herself up or starve to death. Every day someone is with her for a few hours, either carers or family. She doesn't remember any of it and if you asked her she would say that she hadn't seen anyone all week. It's exhausting and frustrating.

Absolutely no way am I becoming a carer for my parents.
I was horribly let down during my teens and feel I don't owe them anything

@DreamTheMoors

My parents fed me, bathed me, sheltered me for the first 18 years of my life, and then put me through 4 years of university. They did the same for my siblings. As they got older and needed a bit of help, I found it exceedingly simple to spend a bit of time pitching in to help them. We had many good times and laughs and it was never a burden for me. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I miss them both terribly.

It’s lovely that you had such a great relationship with your parents. Please be kind and non-judgmental towards those who don’t have similar experiences, though.

My remaining parent has long-standing serious MH issues and made my Mum’s life very difficult when I was growing up and then mine ever since she died. I love him, but he would destroy my life if I became a carer for him as he doesn’t really see other people as human beings with their own needs, everything has always revolves around him.

Sone children need to keep some distance from their parents to retain their sanity and inevitably, people who have nice, supportive parents can’t really understand that.

@PinkFluffyUnicornSlippers

Personally I think you’re being selfish but then again I love my mum 🤷‍♀️ I just want her to be safe in her old age.

Personally I think you don't know what you're talking about. As a former op social worker I saw far more unsafe practice from family carers than in care homes.

knittingaddict that sounds so difficult for you.