To not want to be a parental carer in future?

[janeseymour78]

My mother has been a carer for the last ten years to her parents. She partially did this so that my grandparent could stay at home. At the beginning it was very hard and time consuming and she said 'if I get I'll like that in future please just put me in a home'. I would argue she has done barely anything with her life aside from this in that time.

The other day she said that homes are terrible places because anyone that goes there dies within months of arrival. She also commented on how much costs had been saved by keeping grandparent at home. So this change of tune makes me think she now expects me to give up my life in a similar way if need be.

I have always had a complicated relationship with my mother - she wasn't a great parent due to her own issues and acknowledges this.

Recently I have started thinking she is getting older and I should consider talking to her about if/when she gets ill in future. About how we would handle it. AIBU?

Id care for my mum by putting her in a home. Id pick a really nice one near by snd visit lots.
I would do as much as possible yo arrange care at her own home first, but a good care home is an act of care.

OP it’s good you thinking of yourself and your needs.
I swore blind I wouldn’t provide care for my DM and here I am doing it, I’m not quite sure how it happened. It’s shite, I’ve needed counselling because of it.
My DM has Alzheimer’s so she doesn’t realise what I do for her and she makes it worse.

You know I would be very miffed if after years of caring for my own children, as soon as they leave home I become a carer for my parents!

My two siblings have no children so I would think they should be in line before me! One currently lives abroad though so…

Id care for my mum by putting her in a home. Id pick a really nice one near by snd visit lots.
I would do as much as possible yo arrange care at her own home first, but a good care home is an act of care.

^^
Really this, though

@SomePosters

I would care for my mum over putting her in a home. She earned it!

If yours hasn’t then don’t

No one can make you

this!

One of the things to do is to start with the expectation of outside help early. Especially when there have been so many things set up during and after the pandemic to help elderly people with shopping and the likes.

“Not to worry about that, X group sort people’s prescriptions for them” and the likes. Just to cement the fact that organising outside help will be your help. Rather than give up your life to care personally.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

You know I would be very miffed if after years of caring for my own children, as soon as they leave home I become a carer for my parents!

My two siblings have no children so I would think they should be in line before me! One currently lives abroad though so…

why should they come inline before you for caring responibilites just because they chose not to have children or they couldnt have children? did you parents treat you and your siblings any differently growing up?

A lot of care is delivered in people's homes (i work in that industry). It is mainly nicer for those who need it BUT it does run the risk of being more lonely. If you/ they can afford it getting a mix of homehelp, care support and a good family and friends network for keeping someone as independent and happy as possible will be "better" than a home environment. A home becomes more necessary where there is very high need or very high risk (such as some dementia patients). There are companies that you can employ to do tasks that maintain a parent/ child boundary better for some personalities. For example i assist a couple in their home to shower four times a week. Their children assist with a lot of household tasks, dropping off shopping, deep cleans, some laundry. I'm there for literal "hands on" as for now they aren't comfortable with their children providing that nature of support. I usually fit in other tasks when I am there too. It's entirely possible to book support for tasks that you/ parents feel uncomfortable with.

A bit of shopping or laundry- yes, personal care or having them live with us- no, and I will not ask my own DC to sacrifice their lives to minding me.

YANBU
My parents are currently dealing with their parents / have had to do it in the last few years and it’s really shit.

I think my own parents will be ok (or no worse than normal anyway) and my mum has been proactive in getting POA sorted for me and my sister so we don’t have to stress about it when the time comes that we actually need it but I’m terrified of PILs needing care.

They don’t speak English so any type of care from outside the family will be a complete nightmare and most of the burden will fall on DH as one of the only people who can communicate with them.

@DreamTheMoors

My parents fed me, bathed me, sheltered me for the first 18 years of my life, and then put me through 4 years of university. They did the same for my siblings. As they got older and needed a bit of help, I found it exceedingly simple to spend a bit of time pitching in to help them. We had many good times and laughs and it was never a burden for me. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I miss them both terribly.

Maybe it wasn’t a burden because you only gave them ‘a bit’ of your time.

She also commented on how much costs had been saved by keeping grandparent at home
When she next mentions this, suggest she uses that inheritance towards a plan for her care should she need it. Moving to a privately owned development which has provision for carers when/if needed is a good future-proofing option but it has to be made in good time before it becomes a necessity. My DM moved age 70 when she was fully independent, she has continued to have a full life with the knowledge there is someone on-call in an emergency and a bank of carers to provide as much or as little care as needed.

I've been clear, and so has my Mum thar if she needs personal care, the funds from her house will be spent on the best care available.
I am not, under any circs sacrificing years of my life to protect my sibling inheritance.
She might change her mind but she only has me.

Not everyone needs to go into a care home. But if she needs some help, definitely get her used to the idea it doesn't only have to be you helping. Get everything set up now - prescriptions can be delivered, online shopping for basics, POA, etc. Don't wait for a crisis before you have a conversation and don't let it creep into being a burden. Be proactive.

A lot of the care needed for parents I have found is more homehelp stuff, shopping, cooking, laundry, changing bed linen, help with managing money, far more commonly needed than personal care. You can outsource a lot of that to a reliable cleaner, Dp's mum has a lady in 3x a week for 2 hours and whilst it's expensive, it's nothing like residential care.

Personal care when needed tends to be around £50 a day currently, still cheaper than a care home but if you shop around there's more reasonable places

DH and I ended up doing most of the care for both "D"M and "D"MIL as siblings couldn't be arsed. Eventually we felt they needed to move to a to care home (where they were much happier and looked after 24/7 rather than a few quick visits per day from carers plus what we were doing). Siblings were not happy as it meant spending their inheritance quicker rather than draining our sanity

@GeneLovesJezebel

My MIL is thriving in her care home. She is being bathed, wears clean clothes, and has put on weight from eating 3 meals a day. She still says she wants to go home, but she’s far better off there.

That's a description of someone being kept alive. Its not a description of thriving. Be honest. if that was what your life consisted of, would you consider your life to be 'thriving'?

I would expect your mum to be open to moving to be near to you, not perhaps walking distance, but not a car journey of any length either. I think it's reasonable to pop in with shopping or do gardening and DIY, even cook some meals and give medicine. Personal bathroom care is definitely a line not to be crossed. But I think there are some things you could reasonably do

Look at Power of Attourneys that is a good way in. Health ones are needed to give YOU the say in which care home etc she goes to rather than the council deciding for her. Financial means you can deal with her bills etc. Both need to be set up whilst she is fully aware, neither need to be activated until needed.

My mother frequeny comes out with "you wouldn't put me in a home would you?" She gets told I will do what is best for all concerned at the time (as we did when we put MIL in a home) and I will not put myself and my kids through what we (her and I and my brother) went through with my gran through her altzheimers. She then says she'll have to hold out until (eldest niece) is older as she'll look after her.... she's mistaken this girl- rightly- has plans to travel the world and there is no way any of us would expect/or even allow her to give that up to be a carer anymore than we would any of the rest of the dgc.

As others have said I have spent the last 15 years caring for my disabled child, as she becomes independant I plan to get back to work/my own life before I retire. And there is no way she's loving with us!

Hell would freeze over before I'd put my parents in a home. I've done the caring before and yes it's awful, but its better than knowing they are being ignored for long periods of time and possibly mistreated and wasting away, as I've seen happen.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

You know I would be very miffed if after years of caring for my own children, as soon as they leave home I become a carer for my parents!

My two siblings have no children so I would think they should be in line before me! One currently lives abroad though so…

Nope - I have no children but my two siblings do. I have no children as I do not wish to care for, or be responsible for, another human being and that includes my parents.

@SomePosters

I would care for my mum over putting her in a home. She earned it!

If yours hasn’t then don’t

No one can make you

When people say things like someone has 'earned it', it's very hard hearing for those who have had to put a loved one into care. If it's help with cooking, many of us could do it. Help with personal care - harder, but depending on life stage and whether you need to work, could be done. Care for a parent who needs toileting help, alongside 3 small kids or when you have a disability? Care for a beloved parent with severe dementia, who keeps walking all around the house at 2am and leaving on the gas stove? Or becomes violent, or deeply inappropriate? It's not always about love or deservedness.

For the OP, I do think it's worth having at least a general conversation early, so that the mother can make more financial plans, and so the op isn't gradually brought to an untenable situation.

Personally I think you’re being selfish but then again I love my mum 🤷‍♀️ I just want her to be safe in her old age.

@Toddlerteaplease

I get on really well with my parents. And I'm a nurse. But he'll will freeze over before I become their carer.

Same here

@Useranon1

Hell would freeze over before I'd put my parents in a home. I've done the caring before and yes it's awful, but its better than knowing they are being ignored for long periods of time and possibly mistreated and wasting away, as I've seen happen.

Never say never. People saying they would do these laudable things is never really impressive.