Husband and toddler dinner time battles

[babyandthelion]

I have a 14mo DS.

Every evening our routine is that I go take a break for an hour while DH feeds him his dinner. Every day it ends in hysterical child and stressed our DH.

I have a knack (probably cos I am with him all day) of getting Ds to eat and I can normally get him to finish his breakfast or lunch. Yes he does throw some on the floor but I'd say 80% goes in.

DH has little tolerance for DS throwing food and he will simply remove the plate and then hand him tiny bites of food which then upsets DS. I just hate listening to them have this battle every night.

Why is it when I feed ds I can manage to get him to eat and he's happy and full at the end but when DH feeds him it ends up like this?

He asks me to not give him tips or advice as he needs to find his own way which I appreciate but it's becoming a real battle and difficult to listen to and I also think he sleeps better after a full dinner (which on the occasions I feed him he does have).

Is it possible that DS just eats better for me?!? I dread dinner time every day :-(

[quote elbea]Your husbands behaviour is going to cause long term problems. Parents rigidly controlling the eating process is the number one way to give your child issues.

This organisation is set up by world leading experts in weaning, paediatric occupational therapists, paediatricians. All of their advice is backed by peer reviews literature and signed off by doctors - solidstarts.com/baby-or-toddler-throwing-food-on-the-floor/[/quote]
It sounds like they're both being controlling about food, though, if you read OP's description of what 'her knack' entails.

Your husband needs to realise that playing with food, just getting some of it in the mouth but getting a load of it elsewhere and on the floor is developmentally completely normal. Its literally how they learn about food. We had a big wipe clean mat under the high chair that protected the floor and had to change the position when we got beetroot thrown at the wall.
It's a really bad idea to turn mealtimes into a stressful environment and punish your child for his behaviour by removing food. This is harming his development around food and could cause lifelong issues.

I think it's ok to do things his way but not when his way can result in harm to your child and isnt actually achieving anything.

I remember the horror from dh that I was trying to change his mealtime so we could have a family mealtime. Dd was probably around 1 at the time. Honestly, the drama! So I told him I would eat with dd at 5.30 and he could microwave his at his leisure. Dd is 16 and we still eat around 5.30-6 now and have never really varied that. We tend to have pudding later on if we want it (not anything particularly planned, yoghurts/fruit/home baking/tinned custard type Stuff. It works for us and meant the tidying was done much earlier. The times when I’ve worked longare hours, I’ve spent time at the weekends batch cooking, making big lasagnes, shepherds pie, bolanaise sauce etc so we could still eat together that bit earlier.
It’s been lovely to eat together as the dc have grown up and something I look back fondly on (I am well aware I probably have rose tinted glasses on about how lovely a family meal was, but I think it was important that I got dh onside with eating earlier).

Your DH is only getting in from work and is straight away into a feed so his patience is going to be a lot shorter esp. if the mess stresses him out anyway. If you all sit and eat together, get your DC down for 7.30 you have the rest of the evening to relax/go for a run etc. On DH days off, you all eat together and alternate breakfasts with lie ins.

Also we used to have the bowls and plates that stuck down. We always gave a spare bowl and said if you dont want it, put it here, and they learnt pretty quickly

Do the whole routine an hour later and all eat together.

It doesn’t matter if DS is eating everything you give him at this age. As you are giving him a bedtime breastfeed he is not missing out on any nutrition and, if he is still hungry, he will just take more milk.

Maybe it is also just too exciting having daddy around and if daddy spends the hour you have off playing DS will be more ready to settle for dinner.

The food throwing phase is awful. It won’t last forever, but it was months and months for us. We did everything suggested - don’t give it attention, pick things up twice then don’t give back, try and redirect their hands…but honestly I think the main healer was time. Never happens now at nearly 2 now.

We can’t eat all together until 6pm so that’s what we do. DS just has a decent snack after his nap and is fine until 6. Eating all together reduces everyone’s stress as your less focused on what DS is eating.

I agree it’s important for you to get a break but mealtime doesn’t seem to work for either you or DH. Can he do the time post dinner instead?

Is your DS actually hungry at dinner time? Mine usually eats all his breakfast and lunch plus has a snack mid morning and mid afternoon and will bf in between if I dare sit down! At dinner time he'll eat a mouthful then throw the rest on the floor.

He seems to eat the most at lunchtime so this is when I now give him his main meal of the day and I just make toast or cheese and crackers in the evening. Mine just seems to full by dinner time and looking forward to his bedtime bf.

Maybe your DS just isn't hungry at 5.30?

@ILoveYou3000

Your child is acting out because he knows he can and because he probably wants you to feed him

A 14mo literally does not have the capacity to be this manipulative.

OP, why is it more important to your husband that he get his own way rather than making sure your baby is fed? He says he wants to do it 'his way', this isn't working, so he has to change his way.

Doesn't have the capacity to be this manipulative, are you kidding? It's a skill we all learn from birth!

But I don't think he's manipulating anythin, he's responding to hiw your DH is feeding him and frankly you need to leave them be. They will sort it out without your help.

Go for a run or if you're in tge house put music on if yiu can even if it's vua earphones. Tell DH what you're doing and to call your mibbuw if he needs you. Job done.

Mobbie

Ds is 22 months. Since 6/8 months dinner is together, same meal as dh and I. We all eat together around 6.30pm. Bed at 8pm.

He very rarely throws anything now, but when younger we generally just ate ours and ignored. If on floor, pick up and give back. If again, remove.
At 14 months he had just spoon and fork and made a bit of a mess with hands, now, several months on he’s fairly good with cutlery and uses toddler knife for some bits too.

I aim for dinner between 5:30 and 6 for us all to eat together, better for children and less stress for me mostly. Occasionally if we're having pizza or similar he has something else (like a toddler ready meal -
I'm not cooking twice!) and then just a bit of that, otherwise it just gets mashed up and not eaten. He's just turned 2 and hardly throws food down at all now but I'd agree with others in that if he throws it all, he's done, get him down nicely, no big deal and he'll soon stop throwing it if he still wants to eat. This is my 3rd boy, plus I childmind so I have fed alot of toddlers. It is incredibly frustrating, but I think the trick is to not let them see, you have to stay unruffled, I got my husband more on board by linking him to some articles, Janet Lansbury's unruffled is a great one to find on FB, and kidseatincolor too x

Your husband really needs to stop. The end. It will lead to massive anxiety and disordered eating

@twinsetandpearl

Honestly if my husband said to me to sit and "observe" whilst I feed my child the "right" way I'd think what a condescending so and so not to mention knocking his confidence

Your child is acting out because he knows he can and because he probably wants you to feed him

I'm afraid you are demonstrating extreme ignorance of the cognitive abilities of a 14 month old. He is a baby, not Machiavelli. He simply doesn't have the ability to manipulate OP's husband in this way. He sounds tired and stresse

You really need to look into the importance of family mealtimes and eating together.
I could not even contemplate making my children eat on their own every night, just awful.
I'm a SW (Child Protection and now Fostering) and it's just basic parenting, not only are you modelling good table manners and eating different foods, it's also social and hugely beneficial for children.
Obviously for some families it won't be possible to do this if working patterns don't allow, but if we are home together, we eat together. Time for you both to put the child's needs above your own preferred routines.

I've found that toddlers tend to eat well at breakfast and lunch and then tend to pick at their tea in general. 14 months is still very young. I think you're maybe expecting too much of your child's appetite.

Throwing the majority of their meals on the floor was not allowed in this house. Not even as young toddlers. Children of the age of your son can learn to eat without throwing food around- though of course they will if do things like food throwing if they are given opportunity and allowed to do it, especially if it is something they find entertaining or fun. They can learn not to though.

I do not tolerate food throwing. None of mine did this for long. They all have a varied diet, will eat most things and don’t appear to have any food or meal related problems etc so I do not think it did them any harm.

I've 2-year old toddlers. They have dinner at 6pm (their main meal is at lunchtime, so this is a lighter meal). I sit with them, but there's no way I could eat dinner that early. I frequently don't have lunch til 2pm or later, so just wouldn't be hungry. I've dinner about 8:30/9, after they're in bed.
I do think it's good to sit down for a family meal sometimes though, so will do that at weekends.

@mathanxiety

He needs to be feeding himself.

All the 'knack' stuff, pretending to eat, feeding him spoonfuls, is ridiculous and not sustainable or advisable.

Buy a big oilcloth and put it under the high chair. Put food on the high chair tray, about one teacup total volume at a time. He could have scrambled egg, cut up fruit, peas, diced carrots, little bites of toast, small pasta shapes, cubed sweet potato or white potato, cut up fish fingers, even little cut up bits of apple or pear without the skin.

Don't overwhelm him with a tray full of food.

At breakfast and lunchtime he can have a chance to use his own spoon and eat spoonfuls from a bowl while you are having your own food at the same time.

You have to stop spooning food into him yourself, and try to get a handle on the anxiety you feel about him getting enough and how that's related to his sleep (your opinion that they're related may or may not be true).

You need to relieve your H of feeding duty. It's not working. It's causing them both stress and setting up a bad pattern.

He can pick up and tidy the home or get some cooking done while DS is having his evening meal.

Or all eat together earlier - DS will copy you as you feed yourselves.

Or DH can do bath time and read a story or settle him for bed.

Your DH needs to stop being so touchy about all of this and read some books on child development.

Insisting on doing things his own way for several months when it's clearly not working is not a positive character trait in a parent.

This!

Never ceases to amaze me how much pressure some parents put in their kids to eat what they consider to be enough

Your job is to provide the food not to create a lifetimes worth of food and control issues by continually trying to make them eat more than they would choose too

@jacks11

Throwing the majority of their meals on the floor was not allowed in this house. Not even as young toddlers. Children of the age of your son can learn to eat without throwing food around- though of course they will if do things like food throwing if they are given opportunity and allowed to do it, especially if it is something they find entertaining or fun. They can learn not to though.

I do not tolerate food throwing. None of mine did this for long. They all have a varied diet, will eat most things and don’t appear to have any food or meal related problems etc so I do not think it did them any harm.

What's your approach to change things if you won't tolerate food throwing. Compliant kids ?

This entire situation is ridiculous.

Sit down and eat as a family. Stop trying to red him. Pop some food in front of your son and leave him to it. Model good table manners and provide nutritious food. How much he eats / throws is his choice. Don’t react to it. When the mealtime is over, clear away.

You’re setting yourself up for a long time of difficult mealtimes.

Stop trying to feed him that should say

Also re throwing, it’s often better to just give smaller amounts and then top up if they finish. If they throw, and repeat after you give back. Take away, and the rest which was still in bowl on the side can be saved for the next day lunch.
Then I offer Greek yogurt and fruit. Again, small amounts at that age. If eaten, gets more.

I agree with some mealtimes better than others also. Mine definitely eats a bigger breakfast, middle lunch and smallest dinner in general. So I just don’t offer loads at dinner, and then offer more if he does eat. he’s still fussy to an extent, but give at least something he likes and he just sees dh and I eat.

In your senario, when your dh is home and feeding toddler at 5pm currently, I would just allow 5-6pm for him to take over whilst you go for your run, or bath etc, then back and all eat together at 6.30pm. Let toddler have snack at 5pm of veggies like cucumber/ pepper/ apple and just think of it as a starter to dinner. Saves worries about not eating veg with dinner. Then you still get free time, and your dh can use that time to play relaxed or take toddler for a wander in garden or outside on trike/ foot when the weathers nice

Thank you everyone,

We've spoken and we are implementing a family meal time at 6pm starting today onwards.

I'm quite excited!

@babyandthelion

Thank you everyone,

We've spoken and we are implementing a family meal time at 6pm starting today onwards.

I'm quite excited!

Amazing! Good luck x