Husband and toddler dinner time battles

[babyandthelion]

I have a 14mo DS.

Every evening our routine is that I go take a break for an hour while DH feeds him his dinner. Every day it ends in hysterical child and stressed our DH.

I have a knack (probably cos I am with him all day) of getting Ds to eat and I can normally get him to finish his breakfast or lunch. Yes he does throw some on the floor but I'd say 80% goes in.

DH has little tolerance for DS throwing food and he will simply remove the plate and then hand him tiny bites of food which then upsets DS. I just hate listening to them have this battle every night.

Why is it when I feed ds I can manage to get him to eat and he's happy and full at the end but when DH feeds him it ends up like this?

He asks me to not give him tips or advice as he needs to find his own way which I appreciate but it's becoming a real battle and difficult to listen to and I also think he sleeps better after a full dinner (which on the occasions I feed him he does have).

Is it possible that DS just eats better for me?!? I dread dinner time every day :-(

@TruffleShuffles he will eat almost all of his dinner if I feed him 'my way'

Toddlers throw food. It's entirely normal. Annoying but it's a phase. (And I was glad we had a dog )

Your child eats better for you because your husband is making dinner times awful and stressful. This is exactly how lifelong food issues are created. If my husband was making my 14mo hysterical every time he did his brand of 'parenting', then I would be furious.

@Hugasauras I think you're right.

I'm going to chat with him this evening. It can't continue!

Your husband is being an idiot.

This is not about your husband finding 'his way' to do this. Your baby has a preference and that's the way you both should do it.

If he is the kind of person who likes to read books about parenting stuff or might take on board a different approach from a book instead of you telling him, I really like the Gentle Eating Book.

[quote babyandthelion]@Kaw10 he will feed himself but he barely eats a thing and then throws everything on the floor.. literally everything. You have to sort of encourage him to eat, pretend to eat it too, hand it to him a bit, distract him...
It does feel like a real chore as someone else mentioned.

He's always been pretty small so I think I'm a little sensitive about making sure he's eating enough [/quote]
It doesn't sound like your way is actually working either, in the medium term?

Children eat better when you all eat together. There are all sorts of reasons why family meals are recommended rather than a child having to eat alone at a different time. You see it time and time again on here where parents are worried sick about their poor eaters getting fed at nursery. The majority of the time it’s a complete non issue at nursery because when they’re all sat there with their friends eating the same things, they just get stuck in. I’d also argue that if your child is constantly refusing his dinner, getting upset and throwing it on the floor, then he’s really not hungry enough for you to be panicking about him not eating enough. You getting upset, criticising your oh, trying to work out techniques to force the maximum amount of food in him, and insisting your oh feeds him under your supervision so you can tell everyone how they’re doing it wrong are all great ways to encourage fussy eating in your child.

[quote babyandthelion]@girlmom21 he would probably shovel two mouthfuls in and throw everything else on the floor if we did this! [/quote]
I just mine do this at this age. Never worried about it!
I used to cook dinner for us whilst they were fiddling around with pitta and humous, sticking it their noses on the floor etc

I have a 14 month old and we had the exact same routine as you. He would eat at 5.30 and then we would eat at 7.30/8. I've realised that this was causing me a lot more work and also trying to oversee what was happening if I wasn't feeding him was a bit anxiety inducing!

We have recently changed to having our evening meal at 5.30 with our son and then we only have one lot of preparing and cleaning to do plus we are all sat together. Our son does what I'm sure most 14 month olds do and some goes on the floor but most of it goes in. Then it's bath, bottle, book and bed by 7.30. I used to have my lunch at various times but I now have it by 12.30 and I'm then ready for tea. Then when my son is in bed I have a few hours downtime too

His meal can’t take 45 minutes can it? You’ve got twice the work, making 2 meals and 2 lots of clearing up and he’s not getting to see you eating, share the same meal, chat about all your days etc.

Bath also can’t take 45 minutes.

If it’s working for you then of course carry on but you could look at shifting everything to enable you all to eat together at around 6. Have a quicker meal, and a quicker bath, his bedtime can stay the same. You could swift bath and supper some nights.

I just let mine do this - it should say above

I would not be disappearing at the childs dinner time, even though the Dad is there.

@pinklillie

I have a 14 month old and we had the exact same routine as you. He would eat at 5.30 and then we would eat at 7.30/8. I've realised that this was causing me a lot more work and also trying to oversee what was happening if I wasn't feeding him was a bit anxiety inducing!

We have recently changed to having our evening meal at 5.30 with our son and then we only have one lot of preparing and cleaning to do plus we are all sat together. Our son does what I'm sure most 14 month olds do and some goes on the floor but most of it goes in. Then it's bath, bottle, book and bed by 7.30. I used to have my lunch at various times but I now have it by 12.30 and I'm then ready for tea. Then when my son is in bed I have a few hours downtime too

How are you all at home to eat by 5.30?! I don't even finish work until 6. We eat our evening meal at 8 when the children are asleep

@1forAll74

I would not be disappearing at the childs dinner time, even though the Dad is there.

I agree - I think mealtimes should be family times as and when they can be.

[quote babyandthelion]@Kaw10 he will feed himself but he barely eats a thing and then throws everything on the floor.. literally everything. You have to sort of encourage him to eat, pretend to eat it too, hand it to him a bit, distract him...
It does feel like a real chore as someone else mentioned.

He's always been pretty small so I think I'm a little sensitive about making sure he's eating enough [/quote]
I really think if he was just watching you eat yours things might get easier. Do you share meals at weekends? Is that any easier? If he likes watching you pretend to eat his and that gets him intrigued then just sit by him eating normally and he’ll ask for some of yours or get interested in his. He’ll see you using cutlery properly. You can model trying a wider variety of foods, see you being enthusiastic about lots of different things. You’ll all be hungry and eating, chatting and interacting so the pressure will be off everyone.

It sounds really stressful at the moment even doing it your way so I’d look at shifting whatever you need to and plan foods and a time you can all sit down together.

Unless you particularly want to you don’t need to bath him every night. It’s his feed that signals bedtime not his bath so unless he’s grubby you can skip it, or have a quick shower if he needs a freshen up. DD is prone to dry skin and eczema so I’ve never bathed her every night.

You need to take over feeding and DH needs to take over another thing instead.

There’s no point having the same stress every single day when there’s an easy alternative.
It doesn’t sound much fun for DS either.

I agree with others, totally appreciate each parent has to find their own way of doing things but this way is resulting in a hysterical child, what’s being achieved here?

I used to have 2 bowls..... one for baby, and one for me to feed them with. Then while they were playing/touching/distracted, I'd shovel a mouthful of food into them. Was horribly messy but just a phase.

14 months is still very young, and I think you need to tackle your DH's attitude as you're going to have a lot more battles along the way.......

Could you do dinner and DH do the bath instead?

@Frenchie8690

I meant to say we both work from home which Is a lot easier. It's not always by 5.30 sometimes 6 and with a quicker bath etc but the eating together thing has definitely helped us. Well I feel a lot calmer anyway.

Plus I'm not much good after 8 these days I'm usually wondering where my bed is

You say your routine is working well but it isn't for your child. I agree with pp saying disappearing completely at dinner time won't be helping as your child is comfortable with your presence when they're eating and the dynamic completely changes when your dh takes over. It must be frustrating for your dh that he can't seem to get it right, and frustrating for your child too but also for you that you want time to have a bath etc. I'd definitely be trying to find a middle ground that works better for all of you, good luck!

[quote babyandthelion]@AnneLovesGilbert so we feed him at 5.30pm, bath at 6.15 ish and then a breastfeed at 7pm and normally asleep by 7.30pm.

DH and I then sit down and eat our dinner.

5.30pm just seems really early for us to sit and eat? I guess we just aren't used to that. I'd still be full from lunch (and then probably starving at 9pm!)

Is that what everyone else does? [/quote]
We eat at 6pm and have done since DS1 was weaning - I did find it an adjustment to begin with and I did find I got hungry in the evening, but you just adapt. Now if I'm going out for dinner or something and so don't eat until an adult time I'm starving!

I honestly find it hard to even imagine getting the children to bed and only then starting to make our own dinner - it would feel like we got absolutely no downtime at all if we were still clearing up at 9pm. I know some families have no choice because not everyone is home to eat before the children go to bed, but you're obviously both in at his dinner time so I really would at least give it a go.

He probably wants to eat by himself rather than be spoon fed - let him get on with it and see if it makes a difference.

I eat with my three kids at about half 5/6. (DH isn't home til 8ish and so he eats later). Like you say, it was an adjustment eating that early to start with, but I'm completely used to it now. There are so many benefits to all eating together, I love it now, DD1 is only in reception but she chats about her day, it lets me model good table manners, DD1 will often try and help ladle out food to her younger siblings etc. Life is so busy and hectic and I actually love that time when we all sit down to eat together. Making too big a deal of what they're eating/how much they're eating is never a good thing from everything I've read, it can put pressure on them and doesn't always have good long term outcomes in terms of their relationship with food. You say he's small, but is he growing and following his centile line more or less?

Yes we shifted dinner to all eat together about 6 and I actually prefer it now. On the odd night we give DD dinner separately (if she's knackered after nursery or something and needs something quick) it feels like we lose a lot of our free time in evening making dinner, whereas this way at least once DD is in bed we are fed and free to do other bits! And it's nice to eat together, especially now DD is 3 now and can join in with conversations.