Husband and toddler dinner time battles

[babyandthelion]

I have a 14mo DS.

Every evening our routine is that I go take a break for an hour while DH feeds him his dinner. Every day it ends in hysterical child and stressed our DH.

I have a knack (probably cos I am with him all day) of getting Ds to eat and I can normally get him to finish his breakfast or lunch. Yes he does throw some on the floor but I'd say 80% goes in.

DH has little tolerance for DS throwing food and he will simply remove the plate and then hand him tiny bites of food which then upsets DS. I just hate listening to them have this battle every night.

Why is it when I feed ds I can manage to get him to eat and he's happy and full at the end but when DH feeds him it ends up like this?

He asks me to not give him tips or advice as he needs to find his own way which I appreciate but it's becoming a real battle and difficult to listen to and I also think he sleeps better after a full dinner (which on the occasions I feed him he does have).

Is it possible that DS just eats better for me?!? I dread dinner time every day :-(

He needs to be feeding himself.

All the 'knack' stuff, pretending to eat, feeding him spoonfuls, is ridiculous and not sustainable or advisable.

Buy a big oilcloth and put it under the high chair. Put food on the high chair tray, about one teacup total volume at a time. He could have scrambled egg, cut up fruit, peas, diced carrots, little bites of toast, small pasta shapes, cubed sweet potato or white potato, cut up fish fingers, even little cut up bits of apple or pear without the skin.

Don't overwhelm him with a tray full of food.

At breakfast and lunchtime he can have a chance to use his own spoon and eat spoonfuls from a bowl while you are having your own food at the same time.

You have to stop spooning food into him yourself, and try to get a handle on the anxiety you feel about him getting enough and how that's related to his sleep (your opinion that they're related may or may not be true).

You need to relieve your H of feeding duty. It's not working. It's causing them both stress and setting up a bad pattern.

He can pick up and tidy the home or get some cooking done while DS is having his evening meal.

Or all eat together earlier - DS will copy you as you feed yourselves.

Or DH can do bath time and read a story or settle him for bed.

Your DH needs to stop being so touchy about all of this and read some books on child development.

Insisting on doing things his own way for several months when it's clearly not working is not a positive character trait in a parent.

Agree eat all together and make it a family even rather than a torture session for your child.

All the 'knack' stuff, pretending to eat, feeding him spoonfuls, is ridiculous and not sustainable or advisable

^ yes I don't think your way is working either OP. I do think your husband is probably partly suffering the effects of your babying your toddler when he won't.

My child literally acts out for my husband 100 times more than he does for me, and i think it’s simply because he reacts.
In solidarity I get it, any down time I get is listening to screams from both sides and I end up back downstairs with some excuse.
Maybe the answer is push through it until he ‘finds his way’ and they can both settle, maybe have a word with husband and explain shouting only creates reliance or maybe you feed him when husband gets home and let him feel he’s had two minutes after work to shower and do whatever (I know you’ve been with baby all day) but then baby is happy and fed, husband is chilled and you can then go have a nice hour cry free?

Maybe he’s not hungry. My youngest usually eats 2 good meals a day and messes about on this third

Thanks everyone for all of the advice.

Can I ask - if my DS does throw all his food on the floor, should that be it, dinner time over or do we persevere?

Always did family dinner at 5.30/6ish and it was far less stressful and a lot less work. We all ate the same things from weaning onwards and having only one lot of cooking and clearing up all out of the way before bedtime made life much more manageable and enjoyable. I've trained myself not to snack in the evenings and the long fast from 6pm to breakfast the next day has really helped me lose weight too. I do remember doing a self catering holiday with MIL once and she was absolutely horrified that we didn't do children's dinner and a later adult meal - she announced she couldn't possibly eat dinner at 6pm - but she quickly got used to it and it was very pleasant and sociable.

From what I remember of the food dropping/throwing stage was to put a mat on the floor and shake it into the bin afterwards. I think we tried not to react too much.

@babyandthelion

Thanks everyone for all of the advice.

Can I ask - if my DS does throw all his food on the floor, should that be it, dinner time over or do we persevere?

We ignore it if my 13 month old throws the odd bit, but if he's throwing it all that inevitably means he's done eating. With his older brother that used to mean he got down at that point, DS2 sometimes has to wait but no one starts cajoling him to eat any more.

We just never reacted to it. If absolutely nothing was going in and it was just all being thrown, then we took the food away and just tried again later, but otherwise she just threw stuff, we didn't respond, and we just kind of left her to it. We are our food alongside and then just cleared it all up at the end (or let the dog do it!).

I think it's easy to fall into the trap of cajoling and tricks to try make them eat, when in reality you need to look at individual meals as part of a bigger picture I suppose. If he throws all his food at breakfast and doesn't eat then maybe he'll be hungry enough by lunch to eat some, and it all balances out in the end. Just eat alongside him, don't react, just let him see healthy eating behaviour and people enjoying food without any stressing or cajoling.

There's finding his own way and then not being so stubborn he won't ask for help!

" Your child better for you because your husband is making dinner times awful and stressful. This is exactly how lifelong food issues are created" .This in spades. Your husband is showing signs of control, intolerance, and unreasonable expectations. He needs to recognise this, or he will get worse as your child gets harder to control. An anxious child could be the result if DH doesn't learn now.

For 3/4 mths you've listened to
this every night and never thought to change things? Is that one hour so precious that it trumps your son going through a stressful mealtime EVERY night??
All of you eat together at 6pm and stop the unnecessary upset and drama.

It’s been 3-4 months of him repeating the same shit that isn’t working.

He’s not ‘finding his own way’, he’s fucking lost. Buy him a compass and tell him to belt up.

[quote babyandthelion]@Kaw10 he will feed himself but he barely eats a thing and then throws everything on the floor.. literally everything. You have to sort of encourage him to eat, pretend to eat it too, hand it to him a bit, distract him...
It does feel like a real chore as someone else mentioned.

He's always been pretty small so I think I'm a little sensitive about making sure he's eating enough [/quote]
I have to sympathise with DH on some
Level though as it really does sound like a chore and whilst I’m not saying being at home is easier, coming home to this straight after work Probably is stressful.
Given that you could make this better for everyone, not seeing it as giving in but improving your child’s mealtimes the id pick another hour as the hour off. Seems really unfair to make everyone experience this for not wanting to give in

I wonder if your DH is struggling so much because you're treating DS as being much younger than he is?

Maybe you need to meet in the middle somewhere with how you're doing mealtimes, with both of you there to help.

Your husbands behaviour is going to cause long term problems. Parents rigidly controlling the eating process is the number one way to give your child issues.

This organisation is set up by world leading experts in weaning, paediatric occupational therapists, paediatricians. All of their advice is backed by peer reviews literature and signed off by doctors - solidstarts.com/baby-or-toddler-throwing-food-on-the-floor/

We all eat together at 5:15, it’s early but it’s important to us to eat as a family and there is good research showing this helps kids develop good eating habits. We also don’t “make” DC eat. Food on the plate, small amounts to start and then refill as she eats. We offer, she chooses, if she chooses to eat very little, that’s ok. We don’t offer food outside of set meal times & snacks and she rarely asks. When she’s hungry she’ll gobble up what’s in front of her, when she’s not she just messes around and plays. Knows that if she throws food on the floor dinner is all done. It’s worked really well for us and meals are never a battle. She has always been steadily tracking in the weight centiles so not worried if she has a tiny dinner occasionally, I know if you have a history of feeding concerns it can be harder to let them just get on with eating.

[quote babyandthelion]@AnneLovesGilbert so we feed him at 5.30pm, bath at 6.15 ish and then a breastfeed at 7pm and normally asleep by 7.30pm.

DH and I then sit down and eat our dinner.

5.30pm just seems really early for us to sit and eat? I guess we just aren't used to that. I'd still be full from lunch (and then probably starving at 9pm!)

Is that what everyone else does? [/quote]
I eat with dd at 4:30-5 most days. I just adjusted. She's hungry after school and I'm not cooking and cleaning up twice.

The most important thing is for you both to be “ singing from the same hymn sheet “

I agree, have a chat . Try eating together and have a plan .

Totally ignore throwing the food on the floor , both of you .

Relax a bit .

Then agree to try something different after a month if it does not work .

Why wouldn't you feed your child when you know he will eat for you. The whole thing will be over and done in a few minutes as opposed to ages . It must be impossible for you to relax anyway when you know this struggle is going on. Is there any reason why you couldn't hand him over to your husband once he's fed ?they could then spend some bonding time reading a book or telling made up stories, playing with suitable toys ?I'm not suggesting it should be a permanent change , just until things settle down. You could use the father/son time to bathe and do whatever else you need to de stress

Can sh do breakfast instead?

I find my Lo is happier at breakfast so maybe an easier meal for him to do.

Can't believe that such a fuss could be made about eating.Unbelievable.Just all eat together as a family .Its worked for centuries.

Yep I’d eat at 5.30 - all together. Then you get your break while DH does bath, and you’ve got a free evening from 7.30.

DS is 14 months old and we eat with him when we’re back from work/nursery at any time between 5.30 and 6.30. He’s normally asleep between 7.30 & 7.45.

He’s always wanted to feed himself and we were never able to spoon feed him, but he did go through a throwing phase & still occasionally will now when tired. What helped was giving him smaller amounts but having the rest in his eyeline so he could see that he could have more & anything that he threw, to pick up without a fuss up to three times and encourage him to put it to one side if he doesn’t want it.

Anything more than three times was moved out of his way. He learnt pretty quickly.