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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH should of stayed at home

94 replies

CBB2021 · 20/03/2022 12:34

Currently 27 weeks pregnant and we have DD 20 months. Currently going through an extremely stressful time with work (due to boss being a nightmare) and DD is either moaning or tantruming which I’m finding really hard. DD has come down with a bad cough and temp, has had a lot of respiratory issues (viral induced wheeze) so it’s always an anxiety inducing time.

Over the last week everything has just got too much for me. I keep finding myself bursting into tears over nothing and the smallest thing stressing me out. Have tried to explain to DH that I feel that emotionally I’m overwhelmed and just feel like I can’t cope. He has had a day at the football planned which of course in normal times I would be happy for him to go to as he deserves a break but today I just really wanted him to stay with us.

I explained that I would never ask him not to go and I felt terrible but that I really did need him today. Absolutely no part of him wanted to stay, and he started getting angry saying I would be ruining his friends day who he was going to football with if he were to cancel now. I couldn’t see the point in him staying if no part of him wanted to.

AIBU for wanting him to want to stay and actually be concerned for me and DD?

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 20/03/2022 12:38

I can hear that you feel fed up but I can see his point too-standing up a friend when you have something already booked is pretty poor show.

RewildingAmbridge · 20/03/2022 12:39

Honestly it's the hormones, objectively your two year old is being a two year old and has a cold. You're pregnant. That shouldn't stop him from going on a pre planned day with friends, assuming you're not actually at work today. Perhaps agree that you get a day to yourself next weekend.

ColgateGirl · 20/03/2022 12:40

I'm sorry you're struggling it sounds like you're having a tough time. Ideally, yes he would want to stay and help as a father and partner.

On the other side, Do you think he may also need a break? There's a lot of 'would usually let him' in your post - he's an adult.

Do you have any other support?

girlmom21 · 20/03/2022 12:43

Sorry OP but he needs a break too. I don't think it was fair to expect him to cancel.

Have you spoken to your midwife or GP about your moods?

PAFMO · 20/03/2022 12:45

You're not being unreasonable at all, but neither is he.
Do you get a break when he's around? Flowers

luxxlisbon · 20/03/2022 12:46

I explained that I would never ask him not to go and I felt terrible but that I really did need him today.

These tests annoy me. If you needed him to stay you should have asked and not at the absolute last second. This ‘I want you to want to stay’ just causes more drama and upset.

I don’t think there is anything objectively wrong with him going and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about DD. Just as if you had plans it wouldn’t mean you didn’t care if you left DH at home with DD.

It sounds like you should have communicated better rather than expecting your husband to read between the lines.
It also sounds like most of those is just born out of tiredness and being overwhelmed.

When he gets home pass DD to him and go for a walk to clear your head or lie down with a podcast and have a long bath, you will feel better after.

Unsureaboutit9 · 20/03/2022 12:46

Nither if you are unreasonable, he had plans with another person booked and he wasn’t wrong to attend. Do you have nobody else around at all that could have helped for the day?

50DaysAF · 20/03/2022 12:49

Gosh I remember the struggle managing a toddler when pregnant and tired.
V gently yes I do think you are being a bit unreasonable to ask him to stay home.
Also agree that to cancel last minute is not a nice thing to do to his friends.

Hate to be that poster but have you done a covid test on your child?

PortalooSunset · 20/03/2022 12:49

If work is ghat bad can you get signed off? Or would that cause more stress in the long run?
When he gets back later hand dc over to him and do something for yourself, walk, hot bath, read a book, watch a Netflix thing, something like that.

LetHimHaveIt · 20/03/2022 12:49

I don't understand the significance of your twice stating 'no part of him wanted to stay'. Would you have felt better if he'd pretended to be conflicted - and gone anyway?

I think a PP has distilled this into the salient parts. Your child has a cold. You're pregnant, not ill. It's the weekend so you're not at work. I think you should very definitely make the case for having a day to yourself next weekend, and he'd be a selfish sod to deny you - but your eleventh hour demand that he stay at home (and coincidentally let down a friend) was patently unreasonable.

MadMadMadamMim · 20/03/2022 12:50

I understand you're tired and having a shitty day - but he had plans. You are both adults. It's crap dealing with a whiny toddler when you're knackered, but I don't think it was reasonable to expect him to cancel his day out. It would have been letting his mate down.

Agree with pp - when he comes back then it's his turn to take over. That's what parenting is about. Have a rest once he's home.

jeaux90 · 20/03/2022 12:52

I'd let him go but make sure you get a day to rest too next weekend

Tsuni · 20/03/2022 12:52

What did he do when he "started getting angry"?

GeneLovesJezebel · 20/03/2022 12:53

You need to speak to your MW or GP about how you are feeling.

BendingSpoons · 20/03/2022 12:54

It's horrible feeling at the end of your tether, but I would also have felt awful letting a friend down in those circumstances. I would have probably aimed for a compromise e.g. DH doing bedtime last night and doing the morning whilst I had time to myself then surviving the day as needed e.g. watching TV etc.

StringersBell · 20/03/2022 12:55

What did you want him to do, if he stayed? Not being confrontational, but it’s not clear from your OP. Is it to take the toddler off your hands do you can sleep? To talk about what’s upsetting you? Or would he just be sitting with you in the living room watching tv or something? I too feel for you but if him staying in these circumstances meant letting another down at last second then no I don’t think he should’ve stayed tbh

RosieLeaLovesTea · 20/03/2022 12:55

Have you got other family support OP? Perhaps a weekend with grandparents where you can get some TLC yourself while DH at football?

ilovesooty · 20/03/2022 12:55

@jeaux90

I'd let him go but make sure you get a day to rest too next weekend
He's an adult. He doesn't need permission.

OP if you wanted him to stay at home you should have explicitly asked him.

Original poster
CBB2021 · 20/03/2022 12:56

He won’t be back until late - 8:30/9 so I will be in bed and it will be back on the hamster wheel as work full time. So there won’t be any chance to do that today. Would usually see family but they are all down with norovirus/corona/heavy colds (not on thread but is everyone just getting ill all the time?!)

I just feel emotionally totally overwhelmed and not able to cope at the moment. I never feel like this and I just don’t know how to pull myself out of it.

OP posts:
Skelligsfeathers · 20/03/2022 12:58

Why will you be in bed at 8.30pm??
Don't be in bed, sit and watch a film together or something. Have something to eat together and a chat about your days, and how you feel.

Nanny0gg · 20/03/2022 13:00

@CBB2021

He won’t be back until late - 8:30/9 so I will be in bed and it will be back on the hamster wheel as work full time. So there won’t be any chance to do that today. Would usually see family but they are all down with norovirus/corona/heavy colds (not on thread but is everyone just getting ill all the time?!)

I just feel emotionally totally overwhelmed and not able to cope at the moment. I never feel like this and I just don’t know how to pull myself out of it.

Was he going with one friend or a group?

I think tomorrow you have to have a frank talk about how you feel.

Sadly, pregnancy affects everyone's life. not just the mother's. He should step up

Ponoka7 · 20/03/2022 13:01

Do you think that a few days off work would be helpful? Do you feel as though he hasn't got your back,so that's causing anxiety? Is he pulling his weight in other ways, housework etc? A lot of women go through a panic stage at some point, I don't know if it's our body's telling us to start to take things easy.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/03/2022 13:01

"Wanting him to want to stay" is a bit much. You were hoping he would want to cancel plans he was looking forward to and let down his friends to stay with a toddler who is always tantrumming or moaning...nobody would want to do that.

I think if you really feel unable to cope it would be best to say "I can't cope, and you need to take over for a while until I can talk to my GP/midwife and get signed off or something". Spell it out and say what you need, and if he says no to that then by all means he's an asshole.

luxxlisbon · 20/03/2022 13:02

I just feel emotionally totally overwhelmed and not able to cope at the moment. I never feel like this and I just don’t know how to pull myself out of it.

You just need to take some steps to help yourself. Obviously what is done now is done but if you were already feeling tired and overworked and you knew your husband was busy on Sunday then you should have taken yesterday as a rest day for yourself. Have a life in and DH does toddler lunch then takes her to the park, or he dealt with the afternoon/ evening and you had an early night.

For today just take it as easy as possible, it’s nice and sunny so if it will help to sit on a park bench with a coffee and let toddler burn off some energy do that, or if you can’t be bothered then just sit at home and watch movies.
Have a lazy tea, put toddler to bed and get an early night yourself! Start fresh tomorrow.

Do you feel like the parenting isn’t equally shared in the week? Is that the root cause of this that actually needs addressing?

Papayamya · 20/03/2022 13:03

objectively your two year old is being a two year old and has a cold.

Unless you have a child with viral induced wheeze where a standard cold invariably ends with hospital admission or requiring steroids so at a weekend seeing an out of hours doctor- then perhaps you don't understand how stressful the start of a cold is. If you do have a child with it surely you can empathise?

It sounds like it's not just about needing a rest and some support today but that perhaps you both need to have a talk about how stuff can be shared out during the week more fairly or something?

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