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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH should of stayed at home

94 replies

CBB2021 · 20/03/2022 12:34

Currently 27 weeks pregnant and we have DD 20 months. Currently going through an extremely stressful time with work (due to boss being a nightmare) and DD is either moaning or tantruming which I’m finding really hard. DD has come down with a bad cough and temp, has had a lot of respiratory issues (viral induced wheeze) so it’s always an anxiety inducing time.

Over the last week everything has just got too much for me. I keep finding myself bursting into tears over nothing and the smallest thing stressing me out. Have tried to explain to DH that I feel that emotionally I’m overwhelmed and just feel like I can’t cope. He has had a day at the football planned which of course in normal times I would be happy for him to go to as he deserves a break but today I just really wanted him to stay with us.

I explained that I would never ask him not to go and I felt terrible but that I really did need him today. Absolutely no part of him wanted to stay, and he started getting angry saying I would be ruining his friends day who he was going to football with if he were to cancel now. I couldn’t see the point in him staying if no part of him wanted to.

AIBU for wanting him to want to stay and actually be concerned for me and DD?

OP posts:

MayMorris · 20/03/2022 13:03

Do as very little today as you possibly can. Get in takeaways (can you get deliveries) , leave all washing up, tidying…just focus on you and the toddler. Don’t both dressing either of you. Get some kiddies tv on and try to get her to focus on that for 20 mins at a time while you switch off and rest. When she’s had enough switch to something easy or maybe fling on some outside clothes and go for a very short walk to tire her out. Just get though the day as best you can.
Then tell partner that you are taking a full day off duty next weekend. Say you may not be going out but on no account is he to disturb you or ask you to intervene. It’s as if you aren’t there. If you do want to go out fine, but you shouldn’t have to if what you need is to switch off and rest, sleep, watch mindless tv or whatever.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/03/2022 13:04

Planning ahead and taking all of yesterday to yourself may have meant you were better rested for doing today alone.

Nanny0gg · 20/03/2022 13:05

@LetHimHaveIt

I don't understand the significance of your twice stating 'no part of him wanted to stay'. Would you have felt better if he'd pretended to be conflicted - and gone anyway?

I think a PP has distilled this into the salient parts. Your child has a cold. You're pregnant, not ill. It's the weekend so you're not at work. I think you should very definitely make the case for having a day to yourself next weekend, and he'd be a selfish sod to deny you - but your eleventh hour demand that he stay at home (and coincidentally let down a friend) was patently unreasonable.

ODFO with the 'pregnant not ill' crap

It's perfectly possible to be both.

She feels dreadful for a number of reasons and it's not unreasonable* to expect some support from the other parent whose body is not being affected by the pregnancy. Why should the mother carry everything^?
I bet the OP wishes she felt fine and could go off for the day with friends
(And look at the time he was going to get home! Fat lot of use he's being this weekend)

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 20/03/2022 13:07

He is an adult, he doesn't need your permission to go. Do you have some support from friends or family closeby?

Papayamya · 20/03/2022 13:08

@UnshakenNeedsStirring

He is an adult, he doesn't need your permission to go. Do you have some support from friends or family closeby?

Well you'd like to think once you have a family that's they'd take into consideration circumstances before going out- in this instance I don't think it's wild he's gone, but framing it around permission is weird.

LetHimHaveIt · 20/03/2022 13:10

'ODFO with the 'pregnant not ill' crap

It's perfectly possible to be both.'

It is. She's not (or hasn't said she is).

I'm not unsympathetic, but in this particular instance, I think she's being unreasonable. If it's the thin end of the wedge - and, again, she hasn't said it is - then she's not.

ODFO yourself.

luxxlisbon · 20/03/2022 13:10

@UnshakenNeedsStirring

He is an adult, he doesn't need your permission to go. Do you have some support from friends or family closeby?

Eh disagree with this really. I wouldn’t put it as strongly as “permission” but yes he is an adult and an adult who has a child. If he expects OP to look after his child when he goes out to do something then it needs to be agreed by both. The same as if OP decided she was taking herself off tomorrow and someone needed to look after DD.

Franca123 · 20/03/2022 13:11

I think everyone is being quite mean. I'm sorry you feel so crap, OP. Being pregnant with a toddler is tough. Having a shit boss is the cherry on top. It's understandable that you feel totally overwhelmed. In your shoes I'd desperately want my husband to stay home. TV and junk food for the toddler. Can you call in ill to work tomorrow and have a rest? I went on mat leave as soon as I could as I couldn't handle it. And if you've not done it already, tell your partner and family how tough your finding it right now. You're not alone - lots of women have felt like you do right now.

Kirstos1 · 20/03/2022 13:13

If you don't want to call in sick at work could you put a few days of leave in instead?

girlmom21 · 20/03/2022 13:14

It was agreed by both. Then she changed her mind last minute because she didn't feel great.

SpiderVersed · 20/03/2022 13:14

You’re stressed, exhausted, hormonal and your toddler is poorly. Yes, it’s understandable you are fed up and want your husband to step in.

However he’s got plans with a friend, the football tickets presumably came with a cost, and you’re wanting him to stand up his mate at the last minute.

You also want him to want to give up his fun to look after you. Quite frankly he probably wants a break too.

Have a talk with him this week about him making sure you get a break next week, and what extra support you need.

Mollymoostoo · 20/03/2022 13:14

Having suffered with peri natal depression and post partum, I don't think you are being unreasonable to ask him not to go, bit you also need to accept that he has a choice.
Knowing this was coming up, it might have been helpful if he had brought in outside support whilst he went out.
It is really hard when a person is feeling low to organise help, this adds to the mental load, and whilst yes, everyone needs a break, I suspect that you do not get a break in the same way as your mind will be worrying about your child, pregnancy and work even whilst you have that longed for me time.

DelphiniumBlue · 20/03/2022 13:17

I don't think he should cancel this pre-planned trip, but to all those people saying "he needs a break too," did you see that OP is the one who is pregnant, not her DH?
Meanwhile,OP, what can he do that will make your life easier this week? Waiting for a break till next weekend is too far away. Can he at least deal with bedtime/food etc?
Chill out the sofa this afternoon - if DD is unwell then she'll be fine with that too,spend the whole afternoon watching kids TV if you need to.
Go to bed early, and make sure you are clear with DH that you will need a lot of support this week - be explicit about what he needs to do if you suspect it won't come naturally.
Consider whether you need a few days off work to rest( but don't call it stress to your employer or anything pregnancy related - you don't want to raise the spectre of them triggering an early start to your maternity leave). If DD sleeps in the day still, sleep yourself then, don't try to get chores done.
There is nothing as exhausting as being pregnant and looking after a small child, I can still remember being desperate for DS1 to nap for even 30 mins when I was pregnant with DS2, they are in their twenties now. Just do whatever you need to for you and DD to have relaxed day, don't feel bad if that involves a lot of screen time today.

girlmom21 · 20/03/2022 13:20

but to all those people saying "he needs a break too," did you see that OP is the one who is pregnant, not her DH?

What point are you trying to make here? I think that's pretty obvious to everyone. You don't get a break from being pregnant but you can have a break away from your toddler and house whether you're pregnant or not.

Appletree34 · 20/03/2022 13:21

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

Original poster

CBB2021 · 20/03/2022 13:27

@Papayamya

objectively your two year old is being a two year old and has a cold.

Unless you have a child with viral induced wheeze where a standard cold invariably ends with hospital admission or requiring steroids so at a weekend seeing an out of hours doctor- then perhaps you don't understand how stressful the start of a cold is. If you do have a child with it surely you can empathise?

It sounds like it's not just about needing a rest and some support today but that perhaps you both need to have a talk about how stuff can be shared out during the week more fairly or something?

Yes viral induced wheeze really isn’t that simple. What starts off as a runny nose can end up as a trip to a&e with nebulisers and oxygen, it’s incredibly stressful. Unfortunately DD has woken up with a temp and is breathing much faster than normal so we may well be ending up that way.

He does a lot for us, and doesn’t have to ask for permisison. He had to work yesterday so we couldn’t schedule that time in. It’s not so much that I need a break I don’t think I just want some support because everything just feels too much at the moment.

OP posts:

ManateeFair · 20/03/2022 13:31

I wouldn’t expect someone to cancel long-held plans with friends, for a ticketed event, under these circumstances. I completely get that you’re feeling knackered and overwhelmed in general, but I also don’t think that means that your DH can’t leave you with your DD for one day while she’s got a cold. I appreciate that the wheeziness etc is a worry but that would be the case whether your DH was there or not. It does feel a bit like you’re testing your DH - the “I want him to want to be here” is unfair on him.

From what you’ve said in your first and follow-up posts, it sounds like what you really need a visit to the doctor and for them to sign you off work for a week or two. It sounds like your work situation is actually what’s causing the most stress, and that everything else is exacerbating that.

AgathaMystery · 20/03/2022 13:33

@ColgateGirl

I'm sorry you're struggling it sounds like you're having a tough time. Ideally, yes he would want to stay and help as a father and partner.

On the other side, Do you think he may also need a break? There's a lot of 'would usually let him' in your post - he's an adult.

Do you have any other support?

I think I’m reading a different post. Genuinely I can’t see where OP has written this. Is it me?

AgathaMystery · 20/03/2022 13:39

OP you sound like a really busy professional woman who is utterly overwhelmed at the moment. I get it, I’ve been there.

Please give yourself permission to take a step back and rest. Of course you’ll be in bed by 8:30pm tonight, you’re knackered. Before you go to bed, or even now, email work and explain you won’t be in next week. You don’t need to give a reason in the email. Tell them you will call tomorrow afternoon.

Next drop an email to your GP surgery if they have that facility. Explain what you have put here, that you are exhausted and overwhelmed and need a week off. It’s a good idea to tell your GP in case you want an additional week. If you can, tell your midwife. It’s okay for it all to be too much. You are only human and being pregnant can be really exhausting. Your toddler is also at a really demanding (&fun) age. It’s a lot.

Please be kind to yourself. Work can wait. I promise.

Mewski · 20/03/2022 13:40

@Shinyandnew1

I can hear that you feel fed up but I can see his point too-standing up a friend when you have something already booked is pretty poor show.

Exactly. YANBU, but given the circumstances, its not an emergency. He needs his life too, and you will be better off if he has a better day, and thrn can support you (hopefully) after having had a break... Good luck!

BigSandyBalls2015 · 20/03/2022 13:45

Put DD in nursery tomorrow and take a day off.

I think it does need spelling out to DHs at times, particularly if you’re usually the sort that just cracks on and copes with stuff.

7eleven · 20/03/2022 13:59

I do think there could have been a bit of a compromise here. If he’s coming back at 9pm, he perhaps could have cut the drinking bit back a bit and come home to spend the evening with the OP.

MaudieandMe · 20/03/2022 13:59

Sorry, but any bloke that prioritise a football match/sports activity over the welfare of their struggling partner, really isn’t much of a catch.

I’d be laying your cards on the table here OP.
He needs to Step up or Fuck off.

IBroughtTheBunny · 20/03/2022 14:00

My daughter has viral induced wheeze and it’s no picnic! After a bad episode and a stay in hospital at 18 months, she was given a clenhil inhaler for daily use and a salbutamol one for wheezing episodes. The salbutamol is a game changers as the minute she starts the slight wheeze/breathing faster, we give her 2 puffs, 2 to 3 times a day to open up her airway and stop the wheeze getting worse.
Maybe have a chat with your doctor to see if that would be of help for your little one x

girlmom21 · 20/03/2022 14:04

@MaudieandMe

Sorry, but any bloke that prioritise a football match/sports activity over the welfare of their struggling partner, really isn’t much of a catch.

I’d be laying your cards on the table here OP.
He needs to Step up or Fuck off.

So what is acceptable for him to do outside the home? Would he have been allowed to go if it was a charity fun run or he was volunteering at a soup kitchen? Is a theme park or cinema trip ok?

Why does him going to a pre-arranged event make him so awful when OP has said she didn't need him to stay, she just wanted him to?

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