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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH should of stayed at home

94 replies

CBB2021 · 20/03/2022 12:34

Currently 27 weeks pregnant and we have DD 20 months. Currently going through an extremely stressful time with work (due to boss being a nightmare) and DD is either moaning or tantruming which I’m finding really hard. DD has come down with a bad cough and temp, has had a lot of respiratory issues (viral induced wheeze) so it’s always an anxiety inducing time.

Over the last week everything has just got too much for me. I keep finding myself bursting into tears over nothing and the smallest thing stressing me out. Have tried to explain to DH that I feel that emotionally I’m overwhelmed and just feel like I can’t cope. He has had a day at the football planned which of course in normal times I would be happy for him to go to as he deserves a break but today I just really wanted him to stay with us.

I explained that I would never ask him not to go and I felt terrible but that I really did need him today. Absolutely no part of him wanted to stay, and he started getting angry saying I would be ruining his friends day who he was going to football with if he were to cancel now. I couldn’t see the point in him staying if no part of him wanted to.

AIBU for wanting him to want to stay and actually be concerned for me and DD?

OP posts:

BeHappy91818 · 20/03/2022 14:57

Yabu. He hasn’t done anything wrong

Appletree34 · 20/03/2022 15:46

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

Midlifemusings · 20/03/2022 15:55

While no adult needs permission, I think what Op wants him to do is see that he has a sick child and the person who was supposed to provide childcare for the sick child while he was out with a friend is having a breakdown and unable to cope with childcare right now.

Of course he wants to go with his friend but sometimes when you don't have adequate childcare, plans get cancelled and it is frustrating.

OP you need to see a doctor and figure out a plan and take action for your own health and wellbeing. He should stay home if you aren't capable of being a competent parent right now but you need to take action to get yourself healthier so you can be able to provide safe childcare and cope with a toddler. It isn't fair to him to stay home and you just languish about the house or not take responsibility to address your mental health issues that are rendering you unable to parent right now.

LadyEloise1 · 20/03/2022 16:01

Was he playing football so needed for a team or just watching a football game ?
Was it just him and a friend or your dh and a group of friends ?

It would depend on the circumstances.
If just watching a game with a group of friends, he was being unreasonable.
If going to a match with one other or being part of a team I can understand his misgivings.
I hate letting people down and hate when someone agrees to go somewhere or do something but then cancels on me. But of course circumstances alter cases.

Yummymummy2020 · 20/03/2022 16:07

Op, I was in your shoes last year!!!! I was unwell in the pregnancy and then had my toddler too and trying to work from home all week aswell. I know what other people are saying about letting down the friend, but you know what, you and your partner are best friends too and at that time you needed him more. I am in no way controlling but I do think it would have just made you feel better having him to comfort you and I don’t think that is too much to expect. If I had plans with a friend, and a different friend was in a tough place emotionally and upset, I would cancel without a second thought, I would hope my friends would on me too if someone needed them. I get the impression this isn’t a common thing so I don’t think you are unreasonable at all. I will say though, things can and will get better. It’s just rotten juggling pregnancy work and toddlers!!! Anyone that did smoothly was lucky. Be kind to yourself and I think say it to him. It’s ok to need support last minute and it’s not like you are stopping every plan he makes.

zoemum2006 · 20/03/2022 16:14

People have very low expectations of their husbands!!!

If I really needed my DH to help/ support me even if he had plans - he’d stay in a heartbeat (as I would for him).

Of course I wouldn’t ask unless I was desperate but your life partner is more important than your friends.

Original poster

CBB2021 · 20/03/2022 16:17

Yes this is exactly how I feel.

DH has had no time for me at all this week and it’s upsetting. My work situation is quite complicated and I’ve already had time off as I had hypremisis until 18 weeks and also caught covid and was quite poorly. So don’t feel like I can take anymore time off without it being used against me at the current time.

DD seems fine in herself but her breathing is very fast which is stressful and I don’t know whether to take her to be seen. Just can’t think clearly at the moment.

OP posts:

Unsureaboutit9 · 20/03/2022 16:19

What have 111 said about her breathing?

toomuchlaundry · 20/03/2022 16:21

Can’t imagine going to the football if there was a possibility my DC would end up in hospital

WonderfulYou · 20/03/2022 16:25

YABU
It’s already planned and he needs a break too. It’s different if one of you was seriously ill.

Have him do more after work over the next couple of days so you can rest more.
Next weekend you could plan a day put for yourself.

Unsureaboutit9 · 20/03/2022 16:39

@CBB2021 to be clear, if you havnt phoned 111 yet, phone them now. Breathing very fast quite often needs to be seen, theyl talk you through counting her breaths to see if she’s ok to be watched or needs to be seen right now. There’s some info about very fast breathing in toddlers on the NHS website but your best off just phoning them now. If you’ve already phoned them then I apologise, but as you’ve said your struggling to think clearly I just wanted to specify you are doing the right thing to phone them even if she is on in herself.

AnneElliott · 20/03/2022 17:48

I think some responses on here are harsh. The DH is a parent and is equally responsible for childcare. If op isn't up to it then he needs to sort childcare before going out on a jolly.

H did this to me when I was seriously ill and DS was 8/9. I've never forgiven him, as I wasn't fit to parent and therefore he put DS at risk.

Why do men get such a free pass. When you're a parent you sometimes have to cancel stuff when your child is ill. I'm sure lost mums have had to do so.

Original poster

CBB2021 · 20/03/2022 20:07

Update: poor DD had an ear infection and tonsillitis as well as a wheeze. Her heart rate was high too. Just got back from hospital and she’s exhausted bless her. DH left at half time once he found out we were at hospital.

Quiet day at home for me and DD tomorrow but already anxious about work.

OP posts:

RewildingAmbridge · 20/03/2022 22:10

@Papayamya well aware of post viral wheeze , DS had it after his monthly coughs/chest infections for nearly eighteen months. Didn't mean that neither DH nor I went anywhere for that time. Mostly it was manageable at home, we did end up in hospital a few times. If he deteriorated and hospital was on the cards I would've called DH or he would've called me, as OP did here.

7eleven · 20/03/2022 22:34

Oh dear OP. I bet your husband is feeling really crap right now. Hope your little one feels better soon.

Mum4MrA2 · 21/03/2022 11:56

Well done for getting your DD seen, and I’m pleased that DH left the game to support you. I think other posters have been very harsh on you. Please contact your GP or midwife for some mental health support for you. Sending you hugs.

Nanny0gg · 21/03/2022 12:53

@Marvellousmadness

Nah. He needs a break too. Ask someone else to come and help you op. X

I didn't have a 'someone else' when I was pregnant

7eleven · 21/03/2022 13:11

If you can afford it, just pay for a private consultation with an ENT consultant.

7eleven · 21/03/2022 13:12

Eh! This isn’t the thread I posted on!

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