DH should of stayed at home

[CBB2021]

Currently 27 weeks pregnant and we have DD 20 months. Currently going through an extremely stressful time with work (due to boss being a nightmare) and DD is either moaning or tantruming which I’m finding really hard. DD has come down with a bad cough and temp, has had a lot of respiratory issues (viral induced wheeze) so it’s always an anxiety inducing time.

Over the last week everything has just got too much for me. I keep finding myself bursting into tears over nothing and the smallest thing stressing me out. Have tried to explain to DH that I feel that emotionally I’m overwhelmed and just feel like I can’t cope. He has had a day at the football planned which of course in normal times I would be happy for him to go to as he deserves a break but today I just really wanted him to stay with us.

I explained that I would never ask him not to go and I felt terrible but that I really did need him today. Absolutely no part of him wanted to stay, and he started getting angry saying I would be ruining his friends day who he was going to football with if he were to cancel now. I couldn’t see the point in him staying if no part of him wanted to.

AIBU for wanting him to want to stay and actually be concerned for me and DD?

I can’t believe some of the comments on this thread.

Any man who cares more about upsetting his friend than caring for his pregnant wife, who is struggling with life in general, deserves to be single.

And the exhausted op is then supposed to stay up until he arrives back to be able to have some of his attention?

Nah. He needs a break too. Ask someone else to come and help you op. X

Is it the Forest Vs Liverpool match? Cos as much as I know they Iove their wives, not a single man I know would miss that match for anything less than a life and death emergency.
I’m sorry that you feel so rubbish. Hope things get better soon.

@MaudieandMe

Sorry, but any bloke that prioritise a football match/sports activity over the welfare of their struggling partner, really isn’t much of a catch.

I’d be laying your cards on the table here OP.
He needs to Step up or Fuck off.

Would you say that if a woman was going out with friends for an organised day out, and husband was at home juggling everything looking after a child that's under the weather?

Highly doubt it.

Let's be honest - if you had the chance of a day out/off with friends and he wanted you to stay home with a grumpy toddler, you'd hardly jump at the chance.

I'm sorry you're struggling but I do think it's unreasonable to expect him to cancel his plans last minute unless it's an emergency.

Next time DD is in nursery I would take a day off work yourself (use annual leave or call in sick if you have to) and just rest. Ask DH to do the nursery run if necessary and just have a lie in and a rest. If you're at the point of bursting into tears randomly, you need more help than your DH missing the football - maybe you need to get yourself signed off for a bit so you can rest and recover, or speak to work about dropping some duties a bit so you're not struggling quite as much.

I think you need to see your GP. YY it might just be hormones and a toddler but you might be depressed. You need to deal with the root problem - which is you feeling ill and overwhelmed.

As for your DH, you made a test. They never end well. If you needed him to stay you should have said 'I'm asking you to stay and look after the DCs' and only if he was going in a group. It wasn't fair to ask him to dump his friend at the last minute especially as you seem to think you're well enough to go to work.

Fwiw I'd feel annoyed if my DP's stress curbed my limited social life but didn't stop my DP going to work. I've had this exact issue with my DP

I explained that I would never ask him not to go and I felt terrible but that I really did need him today.

If you want him to say use words and say that. Don't just waft around being wishy washy.

But where's OP's break?

The emergency is the fact that she feels like her mental health is tanking and she's not coping at this particular moment, due to a lot of factors coinciding at once. I can understand OP's DH not wanting to let his friend down but with him "getting angry" and, it seems, not even trying to understand, he sounds quite shit to me.

It's not about what activities he should or shouldn't be doing generally but the fact that this particular day she has really needed help (and it doesn't sound like she asks him to miss out on fun often!) and he hasn't wanted to even hear her.

I'm sorry OP.

(Also to the poster asking why she'll be inn bed early, wtf else would you do when you're feeling like shit, exhausted and looking after a sick kid, once that kid falls asleep.)

I'm amazed everyone is being so harsh on you OP! I can imagine just how you feel - I've had similar times during lockdown with two small children - times when you just feel you can't cope. Disappointed as my DH would be to cancel a preplanned outing, he would do it to look after me and the children - just as I would if it was the opposite way round.

I think its unreasonable that it's not enough that he stays at home but you require him to want to stay at home. If I was going out with a friend to watch the Wimbledon final and my DH told me they couldn't cope on their own with our child so I needed to stay, I might do it but I wouldn't be want to do it. The fact that you'd still be moaning because me staying at home wasn't enough, instead you wanted me to be happy about giving up my day out would definitely seem unreasonable to me and a row would totally be in the offing.

@Spudina

Is it the Forest Vs Liverpool match? Cos as much as I know they Iove their wives, not a single man I know would miss that match for anything less than a life and death emergency. I’m sorry that you feel so rubbish. Hope things get better soon.

Most I know don't really care about the FA Cup these days. Nor do I. And it's the only thing we've got even a slim hope of winning.

Just make sure he gives you a break when he gets back. If there had been a group of them going then fair enough for him to drop out but if just one other then it's tricky.

In the kindest possible way, I think you need to pull yourself together. You wanted your DH to stay home rather than needed him to- there is a big difference. That doesn’t mean you can’t take care or yourself too.

Do absolutely nothing other than snuggle on the sofa with your child. Chill out, watch films, order a takeout to be delivered- maybe even book yourself a cleaner to help out next week. Spend time looking after you and your baby. Hope you are both feeling better soon.

I think it is/was too short notice for him to cancel this time, but you sound overwhelmed and he should stop planning things like that for a while. It’s his DD and baby too so he needs to take some responsibility for your tiredness and share the burden more from now on.

You also need to make sure that you have proper time to yourself where he looks after DD while you have a break.

@LetHimHaveIt I believe the Forest fans perspective is a bit different!!

Those posters saying he deserves a break.. well, when does OP get a break?

Her DH worked all day yesterday, so she was on solo childcare duty all day yesterday and all day today, and then back to work tomorrow. When's her break?

@LannieDuck

Those posters saying he deserves a break.. well, when does OP get a break?

Her DH worked all day yesterday, so she was on solo childcare duty all day yesterday and all day today, and then back to work tomorrow. When's her break?

When she decides she's going out? Next Saturday, next Sunday, a day in the week when she books annual leave?

You really need to book yourself out to do something nice for yourself. Even if it's going for a cuppa or coffee, walk little pamper. It's reasonable for him to go but it's also reasonable for you to be able to do the same. Make sure you are making time for yourself x

Well, I'm a Saints fan, so it's not like I don't know a thing or two about 'The Wilderness Years'. Still don't care much about the FA Cup. Which is handy, since I expect we'll be thrashed 4-0 today.

I understand Liverpool and Forest haven't met in over twenty years, so I suppose I kind of get it.

If I had fun plans but my partner was sick (mentally or physically) and needed looking after, I would unquestionably sack off going out because I'd want to take care of him.

If it was the first time you'd seen your friend in ages and he waited til the very last minute to say "oh actually I'd prefer it if you stayed home. I'm not feeling great." you'd call your friend, cancel and stay home?

If you posted that situation here people would tell you he's selfish and trying to isolate you.

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong, but I think you need some breathing space. Take some time off work, this week if you can, just a day or two while your DD is in childcare. In a few weeks you will have 2 under 2, so need to feel well.

@girlmom21

If I had fun plans but my partner was sick (mentally or physically) and needed looking after, I would unquestionably sack off going out because I'd want to take care of him.

If it was the first time you'd seen your friend in ages and he waited til the very last minute to say "oh actually I'd prefer it if you stayed home. I'm not feeling great." you'd call your friend, cancel and stay home?

If you posted that situation here people would tell you he's selfish and trying to isolate you.

With countless 'LTB' and name-calling of the partner thrown in.

He does a lot for us, and doesn’t have to ask for permisison. He had to work yesterday so we couldn’t schedule that time in. It’s not so much that I need a break I don’t think I just want some support because everything just feels too much at the moment.

So you haven’t had a break all week? Does this happen every weekend?

You need to insist on time for you

@LannieDuck

Those posters saying he deserves a break.. well, when does OP get a break?

Her DH worked all day yesterday, so she was on solo childcare duty all day yesterday and all day today, and then back to work tomorrow. When's her break?

She's a adult and can plan a day to herself for a break if she wants.