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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a bad wife?

96 replies

Samantha312 · 19/03/2022 19:49

So..really need some help here as I feel terrible. So my husband so my husband really struggles with staying awake (especially on a Saturday when we have family day) he says it isn’t just tiredness it feels so much more than that,,however, he works crazy hours..mange’s nights out with the lads etc, plays ice hockey 2 evenings a week and manages to stay awake for these things? AIBU to be pissed? It’s as if whenever he is stressed he just opts put and falls asleep as obviously it’s hard being at home with the kids…he seems to think he is Isn’t well and there is something wrong that he can’t stay awake? And then I feel awful for being so angry but none of it makes any sense to me???

Please help guys..what would you honestly do?

OP posts:
Realisticsituation · 19/03/2022 19:52

If he thinks he isn’t well, what has he done to try and help himself? How long has he been ‘not well’? What’s different on the days he can stay awake for hobbies and nights out that means he is well on those days?

TheBeautifulMoors · 19/03/2022 19:55

I can understand it if he’s able to stay awake for activities that involve moving, etc but not just sitting down and relaxing because mine has been the same since he’d covid months ago. It’s frustrating but he’s started taking some multivitamins and it’s helping bit by bit.

takealettermsjones · 19/03/2022 19:56

You're not a bad wife. It's understandable that he's tired after working long hours, but it's also reasonable to expect him to help when he's not working. Maybe you need to sit down and draw up a schedule that accounts for work, family time, individual 'me' time for both of you, and then lads nights out, if he's not too tired!

Original poster
Samantha312 · 19/03/2022 19:57

He says he doesn’t understand it? He has been to the doctor before about it as he had an episode of this when our first child was born and he was working crazy hours etc. They did some sleep monitoring and couldn’t really find anything wrong..he said he is going back to the GP…I feel like he is making a fool out of me as I am tired myself! Serious what could it be..can you really become crazily lethargic in certain situations? I don’t know?

OP posts:
StripeyDeckchair · 19/03/2022 19:59

If he's ill he needs to go to the Dr & get it sorted.

Otherwise he's just opting out of family life & doing what he wants

Original poster
Samantha312 · 19/03/2022 20:01

I’ve noticed as well that when I’m ‘moaning’ as he puts it..he starts falling asleep like he literally cannot stay awake to listen to me! I mean I’m only pointing our that I am fed up! I don’t understand what this could be at all it makes no sense. Without fail I can see him struggling every time he drives?

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 19/03/2022 20:06

It’s called lazycuntitist . It is actually a disease that is overly represented in men but can effect women. Symptoms include doing only things that they enjoy at the benefit of others exhaustion. Defensiveness when challenged they are being a lazy cunt. Finally, ignorance, they feel you only need to ask if you want a break and they will give you it, like the big altruistic overlord that they are which gives you permission to have a cup of tea or an uninterrupted shit.

Blanca87 · 19/03/2022 20:07

Leave sleeping beauty and enjoy your life.

Mix56 · 19/03/2022 20:09

Blanca87 is correct

Rinatinabina · 19/03/2022 20:10

@Blanca87

It’s called lazycuntitist . It is actually a disease that is overly represented in men but can effect women. Symptoms include doing only things that they enjoy at the benefit of others exhaustion. Defensiveness when challenged they are being a lazy cunt. Finally, ignorance, they feel you only need to ask if you want a break and they will give you it, like the big altruistic overlord that they are which gives you permission to have a cup of tea or an uninterrupted shit.
This, definitely this 🙄

I’ve been dead on my feet exhausted and falling asleep - turned out to be my thryoid - was I playing ice hokey - was I fuck.

UnbeatenMum · 19/03/2022 20:11

Sleep or feeling really tired can be a stress response. Personally I find socialising in large groups or going anywhere busy like a shopping centre completely exhausting and often find it difficult to do very much in the couple of hours afterwards. DH can be like this after an argument or any kind of conflict, he almost seems shut down in a kind of dissociative state.

Original poster
Samantha312 · 19/03/2022 20:13

@UnbeatenMum yes this is how my DH is but it seems to be on family days, driving, and when I’m ‘moaning’ which I tend to do a lot of lately!

What should I do? He is generally a nice guy and I honestly do truly believe that he is struggling with it but the impression I get is…this is too hard..I’m going to sleep

OP posts:
ButtockUp · 19/03/2022 20:20

Don't you find it odd that, despite working 'crazy hours' he can find time for his hobbies but is knackered on family nights?

Xpologog · 19/03/2022 20:21

I was also going to mention thyroid. Mine’s shot and I’ve also been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. No way could I do a night out or play ice hockey ( or any other sort of hockey)
Blood tests at GL, make sure he requests a copy of the results. If all ok then he’s just idle.

ButtockUp · 19/03/2022 20:21

Think that is fatigue is selective.

HeddaGarbled · 19/03/2022 20:21

What a load of old bollocks. He can stay awake for his long work hours, hobby, nights out with his mates.

There’s nothing wrong with him except that he’s checked out of family life. It’s so disrespectful and selfish.

Ultimatum time: shorter working hours; no nights out; no sport until he’s stopped pretending to fall asleep during family time and started properly engaging with the marriage and family.

ButtockUp · 19/03/2022 20:21

Sorry... his not is

Original poster
Samantha312 · 19/03/2022 20:22

Yes I absolutely do!!! I just need confirmation that I am not being unreasonable. I just can’t understand his reason? He says he loves us and wants to be part of this family?

OP posts:
MummytoA · 19/03/2022 20:23

Get him to book a blood test with his GP, it could be a number of reasons why he is tired.

DotBall · 19/03/2022 20:25

He’s playing you for a fool. Tell him to shape up or ship out.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 19/03/2022 20:26

It sounds more like he feels he can’t cope at home at so shuts down and feels exhausted. I was similar when I had post-partum depression: fine when I was out and about, but cripplingly tired when I’m home with the 3 DCs, no matter how much support my DH is. An antidepressant and therapy have been helping a lot.

LadyBadenPowellsHat · 19/03/2022 20:29

My partner is kind of like this. Drives me nuts.

Olivia199 · 19/03/2022 20:29

If I was him and honestly couldn't physically stay awake (assuming that is the case and it isn't selective as others have said...!) My first thought would be to cut down on hockey and nights out to see if that helped with family time as of course that's more important.
However honestly? It sounds a bit off and I'd be annoyed too!

Ourlady · 19/03/2022 20:30

He can’t be arsed with the home stuff/you/the kids so he uses that time to have lovely naps and recharge his batteries so he can work/go to the pub with his mates/play ice hockey. He’s taking the piss.

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/03/2022 20:31

Lazy bastard feels in his bones he shouldn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to do.

That’s your job because he’s more important than you and his needs come first.

Ugh. Sorry OP. What a selfish dickhead.