Page 4 | Am I a bad wife?

Samantha312 · 2022-03-19T19:49:48+00:00

So..really need some help here as I feel terrible. So my husband so my husband really struggles with staying awake (especially on a Saturday when we have family day) he says it isn’t just tiredness it feels so much more than that,,however, he works crazy hours..mange’s nights out with the lads etc, plays ice hockey 2 evenings a week and manages to stay awake for these things? AIBU to be pissed? It’s as if whenever he is stressed he just opts put and falls asleep as obviously it’s hard being at home with the kids…he seems to think he is Isn’t well and there is something wrong that he can’t stay awake? And then I feel awful for being so angry but none of it makes any sense to me??? Please help guys..what would you honestly do?

50DaysAF · 20/03/2022 08:31

He does this thing where he stops breathing for quite long periods in his sleep and snores terrible..he is also quite big
Classic symptoms of sleep apnoea which can also cause extreme tiredness. Get him to go back to the GP.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/sleep-apnoea/

Looubylou · 20/03/2022 08:40

He needs to be bullied into a GP appointment - those willing to dismiss him as a lazy whatever, are missing the very worrying bits of your posts OP. There is something wrong, he is struggling, he needs support and treatment. The fact that he has agreed to give up his hockey is very positive, he is listening and starting to prioritise. He needs to pencil in activities with the children instead though - walks to park etc on weekends. Otherwise he will still fall asleep at every time he is not physically active. That will continue until he gets the treatment he needs. He'll need pushing - it's part of the symptoms. It's hard to work things out /recognise links and issues when you are falling asleep everytime you stop being physically active. It's not surprising he gets stroppy if you raise these issues at those physically inactive times either - his body is saying he must sleep. Go for a walk and talk to him then, when he is alert. Goodluck.

Autumn42 · 20/03/2022 08:41

I don’t think he’s necessarily lying or ill, he just subconsciously associates being home with place he can rest so that’s what his mind/body will be telling him to do after such an exhausting week. Plus time with children isn’t quite as stimulating as perhaps his work etc so if he’s feeling tired anyway then not going to help. Sounds like he needs to cut down on other aspects of his life so he’s got some energy left for his family. Could he work a 4 day week so then has Fridays off and refreshed for Saturdays?

Autumn42 · 20/03/2022 08:44

Definitely worth ruling out the sleep apnoea first though!

FeedMeSantiago · 20/03/2022 08:46

He needs to go to his GP ASAP and say he thinks he has sleep apnoea.

He also needs to stop driving if he's struggling to stay awake.

Original poster

Samantha312 · 20/03/2022 08:50

It’s turning me into a person I don’t like and I’m starting to feel not appreciated…he has NEVER got up in the night with either of our children as he just ‘can’t’ do it…I know I BF and he couldn’t do much but still…I feel/felt so alone. Yesterday we went out and spent the day together but he fell asleep on the drive there and wasn’t much help whilst we were out..he just eats all day which is very irritating. I really feel like I have had enough but then if he is not well what kind of person does that make me? I need support from him 😔

OP posts:

queenMab99 · 20/03/2022 08:53

I was like that when I was going through a horrible divorce, I remember driving was a problem, I had to stop and have a sleep on the journey to my mother's house, 40 minutes away. I slept well at night, so it was not lack of sleep, I was fitter than I had ever been, running 4 times a week, and fell walking at weekend, but I had times when I could not stay awake, meetings at work were an ordeal. It seemed to be a reaction to stress, if my body was still, I fell asleep!

ittakes2 · 20/03/2022 09:07

I think he should be tested for ceoliacs disease. I used to do this - would go to eat at my m’n’laws and pass out on the sofa every time! It was embarrassing. Stopped gluten after being diagnosed and my random acts of sleep stopped too. All the activities you describe require him to have adrenaline rushes - car journeys, relaxing at home - no wonder he is nodding off.

ittakes2 · 20/03/2022 09:10

Sorry missed the sleep apnea bit - yep my husband has this and falls asleep when still. Ask your gp to refer you to nhs sleep apnea clinic - I am guessing he’ll need a CPAC machine but the nhs will give him one. He’ll find it life changing for his energy levels and reduce the chance of long term health problems.
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NeverDropYourMooncup · 20/03/2022 11:07

@Samantha312

It’s turning me into a person I don’t like and I’m starting to feel not appreciated…he has NEVER got up in the night with either of our children as he just ‘can’t’ do it…I know I BF and he couldn’t do much but still…I feel/felt so alone. Yesterday we went out and spent the day together but he fell asleep on the drive there and wasn’t much help whilst we were out..he just eats all day which is very irritating. I really feel like I have had enough but then if he is not well what kind of person does that make me? I need support from him 😔

Well, you aren't going to get support when you're angry at him for being ill, are you?

And if you kick him out, he's going to be sleeping, not coming to pick the children up for 50:50 or EOW. Because he won't be able to stay awake.

Original poster

Samantha312 · 20/03/2022 12:08

Yes but he has been to the GP once and was given a sleep monitor that he wore for 2 days and they couldn’t find anything wrong?

OP posts:

WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 20/03/2022 12:14

@Samantha312

Yes but he has been to the GP once and was given a sleep monitor that he wore for 2 days and they couldn’t find anything wrong?

Well that simply means that’s not the reason fir his fatigue. He needs to go back!!

Original poster

Samantha312 · 20/03/2022 12:31

What I really can’t get my head around is the fact that he is absolutely fine when he is our with friends- sat in a pub, why doesn’t he fall asleep there?? He even managed to stay out until 5am a few weeks ago! He also manages to stay awake to play ice hockey? However, as soon as he is with us he can’t handle it?

OP posts:

NeverDropYourMooncup · 20/03/2022 12:39

@Samantha312

What I really can’t get my head around is the fact that he is absolutely fine when he is our with friends- sat in a pub, why doesn’t he fall asleep there?? He even managed to stay out until 5am a few weeks ago! He also manages to stay awake to play ice hockey? However, as soon as he is with us he can’t handle it?

Pub is noisy and full of lights and activity. Ice Hockey is noisy and full of lights and activity.

Car is quiet and comfortable and warm with a gentle rumbling sound and nothing to do.
Home is quiet and comfortable and warm. And supposedly a safe place to relax.

The GP style monitors are crap. A proper sleep study through a specialist clinic picks up far, far more.

FeedMeSantiago · 20/03/2022 12:42

@Samantha312

Yes but he has been to the GP once and was given a sleep monitor that he wore for 2 days and they couldn’t find anything wrong?

He needs to go back and explain his symptoms fully, that he stops breathing in the night. His condition may have worsened since then and now be possible to pick up or he may need a longer sleep study than he had.

A lot of conditions can take a while to diagnose and can initially be missed.

He may also need other tests - screening for things like diabetes, thyroid issues, coeliac, anaemia etc. He needs to push for investigations so he can work out what it is and get help.

RandomBasic · 20/03/2022 13:21

Even if it's medical, he KNOWS he is not spending time with his children and that he is not spending quality time with his wife.

He chooses to spend his time on other things.

He tried for 2 days a gp suggestion, then just shrugged, oh well.

We all know little children can be boring and hard work. So he's decided not to do it.

newbiename · 21/03/2022 19:28

@Samantha312

Yes but he has been to the GP once and was given a sleep monitor that he wore for 2 days and they couldn’t find anything wrong?

So he needs to go back , how you handle it depends if it's a medical reason or not. If it's medical he can potentially get treatment. If it's not he's a lazy crap father and I'd be rethinking things.

YukoandHiro · 21/03/2022 19:35

You've described sleep apnoea. He can't stay awake unless he's fully stimulated because his body is deeply sleep deprived. It won't pick up on an at home monitor.

My husband has the same. Kids the same age too. It worries me although he's never nodded off when driving. That would scare me. I'm going to pay for him to get seen privately about it soon too as the snoring disturbs me a lot

Original poster

Samantha312 · 21/03/2022 20:46

@YukoandHiro how do you cope with it? Feel like it has put such a strain on our marriage x

OP posts:

Fernandina · 22/03/2022 18:04

@Samantha312

What I really can’t get my head around is the fact that he is absolutely fine when he is our with friends- sat in a pub, why doesn’t he fall asleep there?? He even managed to stay out until 5am a few weeks ago! He also manages to stay awake to play ice hockey? However, as soon as he is with us he can’t handle it?

It's called the fight or flight response, and is controlled by adrenaline. When he's relaxing in the car or with the family, he falls asleep because his hormone levels have dropped dramatically; and because he doesn't sleep enough at night, his body is trying to catch up whenever it can.

SpringSummerAutumnSpring · 22/03/2022 18:40

He’s taking you for a jolly ride here.