Am I a bad wife?

[Samantha312]

So..really need some help here as I feel terrible. So my husband so my husband really struggles with staying awake (especially on a Saturday when we have family day) he says it isn’t just tiredness it feels so much more than that,,however, he works crazy hours..mange’s nights out with the lads etc, plays ice hockey 2 evenings a week and manages to stay awake for these things? AIBU to be pissed? It’s as if whenever he is stressed he just opts put and falls asleep as obviously it’s hard being at home with the kids…he seems to think he is Isn’t well and there is something wrong that he can’t stay awake? And then I feel awful for being so angry but none of it makes any sense to me???

Please help guys..what would you honestly do?

I don’t want to be making excuses for him either…I feel like a fool..I don’t want to have to put up with this

This happened to my husband - falling asleep every evening, struggling to stay awake for conversations - but because he was still able to exercise and do his hobbies we didn't pursue it. Turned out he was in severe heart failure and he died. Unusual fatigue should always, ALWAYS be checked out.

He does sound shattered - especially red eyes and being overweight. He needs a major overhaul health wise. How old is he?

The stopping breathing and snoring sounds like sleep apnea. Has he been check for that?

I don’t know….I can fall asleep in certain situations. I work shifts and when I have to get up at 4:30 I’m tired, I sometimes fall asleep when I get home and sit down.

However, when I’ve worked in offices and done more conventional hours, I have frequently nodded off at my desk, as I’ve been bored by the work. I’d be very concerned if he’s falling asleep while driving though.

He needs to stop the ice hockey until he gets properly assessed. He's overweight, stressed, works very long hours and has sleep apnoea (which also means his sleep is not refreshing sleep). It could be stress, it could be laziness, it could be his heart. Whatever it is his body is not coping with it.

Look into learned helplessness....it's a reaction to stress. I react this way to serious conflict - I simply cannot stay awake. I just shut down. It's a recognised condition and I was diagnosed by the NHS and given counselling to help.

Sleep apnoea could be the cause if he has that. He should definitely see a doctor because there are things they can do.

I would suggest to him he cuts back on his social events to rule out exhaustion. If it continues then maybe see a doctor if it doesn't you know its because his doing too much and he could do with cutting down a little to enjoy family time.

@Samantha312

He does this thing where he stops breathing for quite long periods in his sleep and snores terrible..he is also quite big.

I notice he starts eating a lot to try and gain energy (chocolate, energy drinks etc but still crashes anyway…it’s just so so frustrating because i honestly believe he is taking the piss out of me

You're describing the classic symptoms of obstructive sleep apnoea.

He's not taking the piss out of you - he has a potentially life threatening condition. But it's one that he can be helped with. A hospital referral could result in him being given a CPAP machine which means he will not wake up hundreds of times a night due to essentially suffocating in his sleep. He'll be less likely to fall asleep whilst driving (he's probably going to have to give up his licence until it's been treated, by the way, as nobody needs him having microsleeps at 70mph in a ton of steel), less likely to fall asleep in front of the TV, less likely to fall asleep when you're talking to him and less likely to keel over of cardiac issues due to the strain this continual suffocation every night is putting on him.

He must make an appointment to see the GP and request urgent referral.

In the meantime, whilst he's so tired, I wouldn't say give up exercise, as that could lead him to put on more weight and make it even worse. It wouldn't hurt him to try to lose weight, as that will take some of the pressure off his chest and throat, as well. And putting a pillow between you to try and keep him more of his side instead of his back can help a little.

@Samantha312

He does this thing where he stops breathing for quite long periods in his sleep and snores terrible..he is also quite big.

I notice he starts eating a lot to try and gain energy (chocolate, energy drinks etc but still crashes anyway…it’s just so so frustrating because i honestly believe he is taking the piss out of me

That's called sleep apnoea and is going to cause disruption to his sleeping patterns.

I suspect that he's on the go at work and out with his friends and is surviving on adrenalin. Your body can't do that all the time, and when his adrenalin dips he is resorting to sugar to give him a boost. It would also explain these highs and lows and why he can literally fall asleep at the drop of a hat.

It is called the flight response.

He's not taking the piss out of you, and if he carries on like this he is going to suffer from severe health problems long term.

You say he's quite big - perhaps he needs to go to the doctor and ask for a blood test to rule out pre-diabetes.

From your description sounds like sleep apnea. My son has it. As soon as he sits down anywhere remotely comfy the eyes start to close

Sleep apnea undiagnosed can cause cardiac problems

You seem torn between genuinely believing he has an issue and not wanting to be taken advantage of. I understand that. From what you’ve said it does sound likely he has a genuine issue - sleep apnea and maybe a stress response to sleep? I’m not sure he has control over this type of body reaction. It seems a lot of what you feel is frustration (which is totally reasonable) and guilt from feeling that way. Family time is important but both of your health is too - can you discuss solutions which might ease the pressure a bit?

@Blanca87

It’s called lazycuntitist . It is actually a disease that is overly represented in men but can effect women. Symptoms include doing only things that they enjoy at the benefit of others exhaustion. Defensiveness when challenged they are being a lazy cunt. Finally, ignorance, they feel you only need to ask if you want a break and they will give you it, like the big altruistic overlord that they are which gives you permission to have a cup of tea or an uninterrupted shit.

😂

@Samantha312

He does this thing where he stops breathing for quite long periods in his sleep and snores terrible..he is also quite big.

I notice he starts eating a lot to try and gain energy (chocolate, energy drinks etc but still crashes anyway…it’s just so so frustrating because i honestly believe he is taking the piss out of me

This is sleep apnea!

I have it, it's odd that the doctors Haven't picked up on it!

I always struggled when I sat down to stay awake, if I was keeping busy I was fine but as soon as I stopped I was 💤

Since I've had my apap machine I'm so much better!

Hi OP,
Another one thinking you have just described sleep apnea. Please get him to a doctor asap. Losing weight does help.
Good luck

He has loads of activities and works long hours during the week. on Saturdays he is very tired and it is easier to sleep and be nice and cozy rather than run around after small children. The thought of family life makes him even more tired. So he goes to sleep.

That’s literally all it is.

@rainyskylight

He has loads of activities and works long hours during the week. on Saturdays he is very tired and it is easier to sleep and be nice and cozy rather than run around after small children. The thought of family life makes him even more tired. So he goes to sleep.

That’s literally all it is.

Fuck's sake. They're out in droves tonight.

OSA affects your breathing while you’re asleep, because of partial or total closure of the airway behind the tongue. This disrupts your normal breathing pattern and causes your body to briefly wake up to restore normal breathing.

Obstructive Sleep Apnoea Syndrome (OSAS) is a more severe form of OSA where there’s evidence you stop breathing while you’re asleep and are excessively sleepy during the day.

You may also have one or more of the following symptoms:

frequent loud snoring
stopping breathing during sleep
choking episodes during sleep
morning headaches
depression
frequent trips to the bathroom during the night
waking with a dry mouth or sore throat
waking feeling un-refreshed despite a night’s sleep
difficulty concentrating
irritability
high blood pressure
reduced sex drive
Untreated OSAS can be very dangerous to your health, significantly reduce your quality of life, and is a risk factor for road traffic accidents. Sleepiness contributes to up to 20% of motorway accidents. It also increases the severity of an accident, as driver reactions are impaired.

Pauses in breathing can happen hundreds of times a night, and can mean you don’t get the restorative sleep you need to concentrate and drive safely.

Apart from the immediate danger of nodding off whilst driving, if left untreated long-term, OSAS increases the risk of:

high blood pressure
stroke
heart attacks
It can also reduce your life expectancy by 20%

Driving with OSA
If you have OSA without daytime sleepiness and it does not impair your driving, you can continue to drive and do not have to notify DVLA.

Driving with OSAS
You are legally obliged to tell DVLA if you have been diagnosed with OSAS or any sleepiness sufficient to impair your driving. On receipt of your correspondence DVLA’s Medical Group will send you a questionnaire. In the meantime, you are advised to stop driving until your condition has been successfully treated.

Failure to advise DVLA of a medical condition is a criminal offence, and may affect the validity of your insurance cover.

You must tell DVLA medical enquiries team at the point of diagnosis or recognition of any symptoms.

Source - www.gov.uk/government/news/motorists-warned-about-dangers-of-untreated-obstructive-sleep-apnoea-syndrome

To put that 20% life expectancy reduction into context, that could mean that somebody who would have died aged 80 actually dies aged 64.

Or if he would have lived to 70 with treatment, dead at 56 instead.

It sounds like Obstructive Sleep Apnoea combined with a stress response.

Until I was diagnosed with OSA I could literally fall asleep mid conversation. Being active kept me awake but sitting still meant I’d zonk out. I lived my life in a fug of chronic fatigue. In addition, anything mildly stressful sent me to sleep immediately because my body was so overstretched because my ‘sleep’ wasn’t restful.

A CPAP machine makes you look like a discount shop Bane from Batman but restored me to life. Like your DH I’m overweight and snored (and gasped) to wake the dead.

Get your DH to ask for a sleep clinic referral. It can honestly be life changing.

OP,
He definitely needs to be checked for sleep apnea.
First stop his GP.

@Samantha312

He does this thing where he stops breathing for quite long periods in his sleep and snores terrible..he is also quite big.

I notice he starts eating a lot to try and gain energy (chocolate, energy drinks etc but still crashes anyway…it’s just so so frustrating because i honestly believe he is taking the piss out of me

He's got sleep apnea? No wonder he's exhausted!

Sleep apnea means you don't get enough deep sleep, so even if you are getting enough hours in bed you aren't getting the full benefit of them.

In the long term it kills you.

My father had it and behaved exactly like your dh. He died in his 50s.

It can be treated, please get him to get help for it.

If he's doing it whilst driving he needs to stop.

@Blanca87

It’s called lazycuntitist . It is actually a disease that is overly represented in men but can effect women. Symptoms include doing only things that they enjoy at the benefit of others exhaustion. Defensiveness when challenged they are being a lazy cunt. Finally, ignorance, they feel you only need to ask if you want a break and they will give you it, like the big altruistic overlord that they are which gives you permission to have a cup of tea or an uninterrupted shit.

This