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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a bad wife?

96 replies

Samantha312 · 19/03/2022 19:49

So..really need some help here as I feel terrible. So my husband so my husband really struggles with staying awake (especially on a Saturday when we have family day) he says it isn’t just tiredness it feels so much more than that,,however, he works crazy hours..mange’s nights out with the lads etc, plays ice hockey 2 evenings a week and manages to stay awake for these things? AIBU to be pissed? It’s as if whenever he is stressed he just opts put and falls asleep as obviously it’s hard being at home with the kids…he seems to think he is Isn’t well and there is something wrong that he can’t stay awake? And then I feel awful for being so angry but none of it makes any sense to me???

Please help guys..what would you honestly do?

OP posts:
Namenic · 19/03/2022 20:31

Well if he is falling asleep then he needs to do less of the lads’ nights and Ice hockey until he gets enough sleep to be a good husband and dad. It’s possible to exert yourself on some days, then be soo tired the next. It sounds like the rest of his week is v busy, so he has not enough energy for the weekend?? I’m just guessing…perhaps try cutting down his work and other activities - and get more sleep - to see if it makes a difference.

WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 19/03/2022 20:31

It can be so many things. Him opting out is clearly a possibility.

However, when I first started with ME, the only way I could stay awake was by doing things. So I was always iut and about with the dcs because as soon as I was stoping and let’s say playing with them on the floor, my eyes would close. I genuinely could not keep them open. Same in a car (not as the driver!) etc…

Whcih makes me think it could be a very physical issue. In which case he should be at the GP with blood test etc… to see what is going on.

k1233 · 19/03/2022 20:33

I'll go against the grain. There could very well be an underlying medical condition. The only symptom I had of thyroid issues was inability to stay awake. I'd catch the bus for work and not be able to stay awake on the commute. I'd do a high pressure job all day, usually long hours, sleep on the commute on the way home. If we went somewhere on the weekend as soon as I sat in the car I'd be asleep. Wake up as we got to destination, engage in activities, crash in the car on the way home.

It wasn't a choice. I physically couldn't stay awake. All my energy was used to engage in daily activities. As soon as I sat still, I was out like a light.

Alternatively, he could also just be a lazy git, prioritising his fun over family time.

BronwenFrideswide · 19/03/2022 20:34

It could be one of three things:

He is unwell, so yes needs to have this checked out to rule anything in or out.

He is working at such a pace and level that when the pace slackens such as on a more relaxed family day the 'fatigue' (for want of a better word) catches up with him and he crashes out.

He is lazy and uninterested in family life and is using fatigue to dodge it.

If you and he do this as suggested by HeddaGarbled:

shorter working hours; no nights out; no sport

You'll very quickly find out which of the three it is. My money is on the third option as he is avoiding time with you with all the long hours at work, socialising and sport.

Original poster
Samantha312 · 19/03/2022 20:34

Honestly when I’m responding I’ve realised how much of a mug I sound

OP posts:
notanothertakeaway · 19/03/2022 20:36

Most people can make time for things that they prioritise, whether that's work, family, sport, hobbies etc

If eg ill health gets in the way, they may prioritise eg work to pay the bills and let hobbies go, or they may be able to do very little at all

If someone can work hard, do hobbies, but can't spend time with family, then you know that family comes last

RandomBasic · 19/03/2022 20:37

He's checked out emotionally.

WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 19/03/2022 20:37

I think you need a chat with him.

Take him to his word. He is exhausted and doesn’t know why he is falling asleep like this.
Tell him that in this case he HAS TO go and see his GP. See what the GP says.

I’d remind him that as he is so tired, he needs to make choices on how he is using his energy. He can’t be using it all for night out and hockey so there is nothing left for family and the dcs.
I’d leave him with the dcs in his own tbh. Let him struggle. I can guarantee that even if he is exhausted, he won’t fall asleep then. But he might find that he has no energy for the hockey because he hasn’t been able to sleep it off during the WE isywim.
But basically, when you are tired, you need to make choices on where he is spending his energy. And that has to include his dcs/you/family. And of course, it has to include looking after yourself hence the visit to the GP

lottiegarbanzo · 19/03/2022 20:38

Your title has nothing to do with your post. Your post is about your husband.

He needs to go back to the doctor and describe exactly what's happening.

He could try to keep moving on Saturdays; take the DCs out and about. Don't 'relax' too much. Go to bed early for proper sleep.

I'd suspect a stress response, combined with a weekend 'letting go' response (like the way teachers get ill at the start of the holidays, when they let go and relax). So he;s keeping himself going through the week, on stress and adrenaline, then collapsing at the weekend when he let's go.

He could try balancing things out better - not tiring himself out so badly through the week, having some fixed activities to focus his energies towards, at the weekend.

OneFootintheRave · 19/03/2022 20:38

@Blanca87

It’s called lazycuntitist . It is actually a disease that is overly represented in men but can effect women. Symptoms include doing only things that they enjoy at the benefit of others exhaustion. Defensiveness when challenged they are being a lazy cunt. Finally, ignorance, they feel you only need to ask if you want a break and they will give you it, like the big altruistic overlord that they are which gives you permission to have a cup of tea or an uninterrupted shit.
You win 🏆 armchair diagnosis Grin
WizardOfAus · 19/03/2022 20:38

@Blanca87

It’s called lazycuntitist . It is actually a disease that is overly represented in men but can effect women. Symptoms include doing only things that they enjoy at the benefit of others exhaustion. Defensiveness when challenged they are being a lazy cunt. Finally, ignorance, they feel you only need to ask if you want a break and they will give you it, like the big altruistic overlord that they are which gives you permission to have a cup of tea or an uninterrupted shit.
Here's your answer.
Georgeskitchen · 19/03/2022 20:41

He's taking the piss

picklemewalnuts · 19/03/2022 20:41

So look at it this way. If he's genuinely knackered, so tired he can't stay awake around his family, then he needs to adjust his lifestyle. He needs to cut out some of the activities that exhaust him, so he has more energy for family time.

It's obvious, isn't it? If you are falling asleep on the job, you get more rest at other times.

I can believe he genuinely hasn't worked this out, because it's in his interest not to realise.

Point it out, and ask him what he plans to do about managing his energy levels so he meets his commitments.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/03/2022 20:44

If he's falling asleep as soon as he sits down, driving or anything that doesn't involve lots of action and noise - that sounds more like he could have obstructive sleep apnoea (especially if he's big - it's not just fat, lots of muscle can do it as well).

Does he snore loud enough to wake the dead? It's not actually essential that he does, as he could still be waking up multiple times in the night and not getting the sort of rest that means he's refreshed at the end of twelve hours' kip, but it does make it more likely.

WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 19/03/2022 20:44

If someone can work hard, do hobbies, but can't spend time with family, then you know that family comes last

That’s nit my experience with being ill/fatigue.
At least at the start, it’s possible to push through to an extent. It works when you go to work, do a sport etc basically when you are in the go. You are working in adrenaline all the time and it sort of work. Until you stop (driving, commute, watching TV, sitting down with the dcs etc…. Anything where you dont need to push through iyswim) and then it hits you and you fall asleep.
The danger here is that if you actually do that for a while, there’s a point where you just cannot carry on and you get properly ill isywim. No amount if pushing through will allow you to stay awake.

However, this is what happens when you generally refuse to see that there is an issue. You don’t want to stop anything you’ve done before. So you carry on ignoring all the times when you actually crash.

Choice and choosing family vs hobby only happens when you’ve actually acknowledged that you don’t have as much energy as you had or want to have.

Olivia199 · 19/03/2022 20:46

@Samantha312

Honestly when I’m responding I’ve realised how much of a mug I sound
Not at all. We've all been there! It's easy enough to sit on MN and call people out on their shittiness (your husband, not you) but when you're in the situation it's a hell of a lot harder.
WhyIsEverythingSoHard · 19/03/2022 20:46

@Samantha312 you’ll only know if he is taking the piss or is genuinely ill if he goes and see his GP!

You really need to insist on that.

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/03/2022 20:52

He should see the doc but it’s sounds like he’s doing too much. Playing ice hockey two nights when he has little kids is a lot. How old are your kids, how many hours does he work, and do you work?? But even without all that info, he needs to prioritise his kids over his hobby, or alternatively reduce his working hours. (I’m not saying he shouldn’t exercise by the way, but team sports are really time consuming)

This is going to be a shock to him, so you are going to have to really spell it out.

Original poster
Samantha312 · 19/03/2022 20:53

He does this thing where he stops breathing for quite long periods in his sleep and snores terrible..he is also quite big.

I notice he starts eating a lot to try and gain energy (chocolate, energy drinks etc but still crashes anyway…it’s just so so frustrating because i honestly believe he is taking the piss out of me

OP posts:
housemdwaswrong · 19/03/2022 20:54

Genuine fatigue isn't selective. When I have fatigue I have to drive to tesco car park after school (I teach) and sleep for a few hours before I can drive home. That's fatigue. If he goes to GP please let me know how he manages to switch his fatigue on and off, I'd love to know as would many others.

You are not unreasonable, or misunderstanding, or a mug. He's lying, fo re whatever reason. And you don't sound silly, you sound like someone working hard to keep all the plates in the air when it isn't actually your sole responsibility. I'd be tamping!

Original poster
Samantha312 · 19/03/2022 20:55

Our children are 4 and 1…he leaves at 6am and doesn’t get home until 8pm (on a good day) he has just agreed to stop going to hockey to see if it helps…wtf is going on here please tell me I didn’t marry the wrong man!!!! Ha

OP posts:
LulaMay17 · 19/03/2022 20:56

Why are women always so quick to assume the worst of men?

What your husband describes sounds just like the symptoms my son has been experiencing for the past 3 years-- he is just in the process of being diagnosed with narcolepsy.

If he is doing something routine, or that he enjoys or is actively engaged with, then he can do that task with no problems. However, if he is doing something he finds less engaging, or even slightly stressful, then he is overcome with fatigue and literally cannot keep himself awake- he finds its incredibly frustrating to not be in control of his own body.
There are also other situations where no matter how much he wants to, he physically can not stay awake. As soon as he gets into a car, he will be slumped over fast asleep within 30 seconds, and won't be able to wake himself up until it is time to get out.

It breaks my heart to think that in years to come people will armchair diagnose his as a "lazy c**t" or even encourage his partner to leave him because of this!

As the mother of 3 wonderful sons, mumsnet makes me worry daily for their future in this modern, man hating world!

billy1966 · 19/03/2022 21:00

OP,

Just another selfish man avoiding family life and making a total mug out of you.

Sort your contraception, he's a waster.

Protect yourself.

@Blanca87 has it nailed.

He chooses to sleep when it suits him.

Original poster
Samantha312 · 19/03/2022 21:01

I forgot to mention…when this is happening his eyes go bright red and he just seems so disinterested in everything I say, i can genuinely see the struggle to stay awake

OP posts:
Midlifemusings · 19/03/2022 21:02

Have the GP check his thyroid, iron, ferritin, B12 and vit D levels. When mine were off, I was very much like him. I could stay awake when absolutely necessary and when moving but on my days off or when just at home, the drowsiness was all consuming. There were times I was driving and had to pull over as I just couldn't stay awake. When my brain and body were stimulated enough, I could stay awake but it was almost like that created a decifit and my body would just crash when the stimulation wasn't there.