to think blocking former friends is often unnecessary and cowardly?

[cranberryhaddock]

I keep seeing this all around social media, not just on MN, often in response to relatively minor things that are annoying someone about a friend. It feels like the standard advice nowadays if someone happens to have put a person's nose out of joint in any way is 'Unfriend, block, and move on with your life.'

Don't get me wrong, if someone is harassing a person, causing major distress or acting in a threatening way, obviously that's different and blocking is the right thing to do. But so often it seems as though the other person is just getting on the poster's nerves or there's been a falling-out or misunderstanding of some kind that could possibly be straightened out with a bit of old-fashioned talking. It feels like people don't value their friendships enough for that any more, and aren't willing to give their friends the chance to put things right - tbh the unfriend/block advice is trotted out so much of the time that I get the impression people don't really care about their friendships as much these days, and also - to be blunt - that a lot of people are just plain cowardly.

I know it sounds like I've had this happen to me - for the record, I actually haven't, but I (like most people, I imagine) do find it painful when friendships end and I just feel blocking someone who isn't acting in a threatening/harassing/distressing way is hurtful and unnecessary.

AIBU?

If I no longer interact with you on any level in real life, then I also don't on social media. It's weird to me to still be able to 'see' someone else's life online, or to want to if the relationship/ friendship breaks down.

If you are hurt by their actions then I suggest you aren't over them ending the friendship.

I have a few close ex friends that have all blocked me. It could well be because we have mutual friends and they don't want me to see their replies. If that is the case I think it's almost laughable because I've no interest in their lives at all. Yes I was hurt at the time the friendships ended because they didnt value my friendship enough to see if we could talk through any issues but that's their choice. I don't chase people.

Quite a few replies saying what I expected that they thought their ex friends still wanted to read about their lives. Perhaps if someone hasn't taken the hint a friendship is over but otherwise I think some people must have massively inflated egos to think ex friends are even remotely interested in them. The opposite of love is indifference after all.

@ThatsNotMyGolem

The older I get, the less patience I have for fuckery. One strike and you're blocked.

Agree

i block most people I unfriend so I do not show up on their 'suggestions' and they do not know I have unfriended - personally i think that is more polite and kind.

I unfriend any and everyone I do not keep in regular contact with face to face or long term friends/family who live a distance away.

I have no interest in knowing what someone i may have have gone to school with or only met once is doing. But i also know some people read more into these things than there really is and it may worry them.

Did you not read where I said I wouldn't waste my time looking at someone's SM if they had unfriended me?

Well, presumably you must have looked at some point, or you wouldn’t have noticed they’d blocked you. And if you don’t want to look at their social media activity, the fact you are blocked has zero impact on you, so why would it bother you? Clearly the friendship is over, and it’s understandable to feel sad about that, but if you don’t want to look at their social media then I can’t see why being blocked somehow makes the end of the friendship any worse.

i think that in the age of social media and the internet, then its absolutely fine for people to have their own boundaries about how they use it and the issue of how to avoid people you dont like and dont want anything to do with online.
If I cant stand seeing someone keep popping up in my feed and defriending hasnt stopped this, then I will block. Its noone elses business. Its non confrontational, its just closing the curtains on them in the virtual world.

I’m torn. On one hand, I agree it can all be a bit dramatic, and that sometimes people rush to hit the delete and block buttons (literally and figuratively) because of something they’ll probably be over in a few weeks anyway. Sometimes I miss the days when, if someone pissed you off, you just stopped phoning them instead of making an event of blocking them or ‘Going NC’.

On the other hand, I’m very glad the technology exists. An ex-friend I blocked over four years ago still keeps trying to get mutual friends to pass on messages, and comments suspiciously quickly on anything I’m tagged in. If it had still been the days of landlines only, the only way I would have been able to block him would be to leave the answering machine on permanently! So while I agree the block button is something of a last resort, I’m glad we have it.

@DontLookBackInAnger1

If I'm not genuine friends with someone, I don't want them on social media. I don't care what they're up to and I don't want them stalking me. So I delete.

I look at people with hundreds of "friends" and cringe.

Why? I’ve met and liked hundreds of people over the years - of course they’re not all going to be close friends, but that doesn’t mean I would actively avoid seeing what they’re up to now. Not every friendship has to be a close one.

As for the idea that casual friends/acquaintances are ‘stalking’ you, that’s a particularly unattractive combination of pretentiousness and paranoia.

@ManateeFair

Did you not read where I said I wouldn't waste my time looking at someone's SM if they had unfriended me?

Well, presumably you must have looked at some point, or you wouldn’t have noticed they’d blocked you. And if you don’t want to look at their social media activity, the fact you are blocked has zero impact on you, so why would it bother you? Clearly the friendship is over, and it’s understandable to feel sad about that, but if you don’t want to look at their social media then I can’t see why being blocked somehow makes the end of the friendship any worse.

Not sure whether you're speaking hypothetically, or are under the impression I'm in this situation. I already mentioned this has never happened to me, but I can easily see that a person might go to try and mend fences or even apologise for a wrongdoing and find themselves blocked.

Personally that would probably make me think 'sod you, then' and actually feel it was just as well the friendship had ended, if that was their attitude. But I do think it's a potentially hurtful action - and, if I'm completely honest, in some cases I do think it's done intentionally to hurt the 'blockee', as a sort of revenge move for whatever wrong the blocker feels has been done to them.

I agree. In most cases it seems over the top and childish. Unfriend them if you must.

@ManateeFair

Did you not read where I said I wouldn't waste my time looking at someone's SM if they had unfriended me?

Well, presumably you must have looked at some point, or you wouldn’t have noticed they’d blocked you. And if you don’t want to look at their social media activity, the fact you are blocked has zero impact on you, so why would it bother you? Clearly the friendship is over, and it’s understandable to feel sad about that, but if you don’t want to look at their social media then I can’t see why being blocked somehow makes the end of the friendship any worse.

You can see that someone has unfriended you just because your number of friends has gone down or a memory with them comes up, but you see there is no link by their name. You don't have to go looking necessarily.

@apple93

I went to browse the girl my BIL is marrying and I couldn't find her profile! (My friend found it) turned out.. she already looked me up and blocked me lol.

I find it quite hurtful as she's got my SIL on social media but I guess I'm used to being left out lol

So she blocked you for no reason?

Anyone vile, abusive, rude etc goes. I don't want that in my life.

Mildly annoying they get unfollowed and I occasionally check I haven't missed any milestones etc.

I have recently blocked someone who I supported for years and years, but I realise doesn't actually want to get to a better place. They are so relentlessly negative I needed to move on for my own mental health. Massive guilt especially when the flying monkeys were dispatched but I could no longer do it. I have no regrets.

@Mummyratbag

Anyone vile, abusive, rude etc goes. I don't want that in my life.

Mildly annoying they get unfollowed and I occasionally check I haven't missed any milestones etc.

I have recently blocked someone who I supported for years and years, but I realise doesn't actually want to get to a better place. They are so relentlessly negative I needed to move on for my own mental health. Massive guilt especially when the flying monkeys were dispatched but I could no longer do it. I have no regrets.

Flying monkeys? #curious

Ha ha - it's an expression I have learnt on Mumsnet! I have probably got the wrong context. When you put down a boundary (another MN favourite) and the person sends in mutual friends/family to find out why etc... I got a few messages all on the same day from people asking what was happening. I know she already knew that I had blocked her some time before so she had obviously had a FB rant about it. I just played it down, changed the subject.

I blocked a former friend yesterday. I've been trying for months to reach out to her after she decided to cut herself off from the rest of our friendship group. Yesterday she sent me a ranty text accusing me of being a shit friend. It was quite clear she has no interest in reconciling the friendship and it makes me sad to see posts about her life and know I'm no longer a part of it.

But in that scenario, unless they've done something really egregious, doesn't the dropped friend even deserve the courtesy of an explanation/the opportunity to make it up to the 'injured party' so to speak?

No is the simple answer. You dont owe anyone anything.

I do it because 1. They don't need to know what's going on in my life, we aren't friends; 2. I don't need to relive the upset by seeing their interactions.

@Mummyratbag

Ha ha - it's an expression I have learnt on Mumsnet! I have probably got the wrong context. When you put down a boundary (another MN favourite) and the person sends in mutual friends/family to find out why etc... I got a few messages all on the same day from people asking what was happening. I know she already knew that I had blocked her some time before so she had obviously had a FB rant about it. I just played it down, changed the subject.

Ahh I see

The blocking function is underused imo.

How many dilemmas on here include an ex seeing something on OP's SM (or vice versa) ?

I think that blocking is less cruel than gradually phasing someone out tbh.

I think it's naive to assume that people should have a right to protest a reason that their friend might feel is enough to use the block function. You used the example of being stood up twice. The person who blocked is in the right imo- they don't want the person to even consider inviting them again and being stood up twice is shit.

Is it really a good thing to tell your "friend" that they feed makes you feel like shit even though they aren't trying to flaunt their good life? I know that people can unfollow but I understand why someone would just say fuck it and block so they don't see that content and the algorithms don't sneak their content back in your feed. What is the person who's lucky enough to have healthy children/lots of holidays/great life supposed to do with the info that their SM makes someone feel shit? If that person restricts what their friend sees or stops posting what they want can that friendship last ?

I also disagree with keeping people you don't care about because it's less drama. This is a very teen way to use SM imo- adding your friend's brother that you've never met sort of thing. My circle is small and I feel no desire to collect every acquaintance that I make in life. If you add everyone then I can see why culling and keeping my circle tight looks weird.

I blocked a 'friend' on messenger when I realised her messages were all exactly the same, usually along the lines of 'Hi E, how are you? We are well. I did A,B and C. Mum got a new puppy. Message me back. J'. If/when I responded there was no further conversation and the message from her came in every Friday, each message almost exactly the same as the last.

It might seem sudden and black and white with no greys to you OP but it’s usually more complicated than that. Only the person in that friendship knows the reality.

I had a friend who I loved, but I was often aware that she didn’t treat me well or like her other friends. I couldn’t make the break for a long time but when I did make the break, we went from a lovely last meal with lots of catching up to zero contact. It was absolutely the right decision for me.

The last person that I blocked was due to his constant Covid conspiracy theories on FB. He is free to post what he likes and I am free to block that content. It's not for me to confront his views in the same way that it's not for him to try and sway mine.

I do have anti vaxx people on my timeline but in 2 years, they've posted less than a handful of memes about vaccines so it's easy to scroll past. (Plus a couple of them were about how many boosters would people take-5? 10? 20? Which I can understand) The other person was posting daily at one point which was just tedious.