to think blocking former friends is often unnecessary and cowardly?

[cranberryhaddock]

I keep seeing this all around social media, not just on MN, often in response to relatively minor things that are annoying someone about a friend. It feels like the standard advice nowadays if someone happens to have put a person's nose out of joint in any way is 'Unfriend, block, and move on with your life.'

Don't get me wrong, if someone is harassing a person, causing major distress or acting in a threatening way, obviously that's different and blocking is the right thing to do. But so often it seems as though the other person is just getting on the poster's nerves or there's been a falling-out or misunderstanding of some kind that could possibly be straightened out with a bit of old-fashioned talking. It feels like people don't value their friendships enough for that any more, and aren't willing to give their friends the chance to put things right - tbh the unfriend/block advice is trotted out so much of the time that I get the impression people don't really care about their friendships as much these days, and also - to be blunt - that a lot of people are just plain cowardly.

I know it sounds like I've had this happen to me - for the record, I actually haven't, but I (like most people, I imagine) do find it painful when friendships end and I just feel blocking someone who isn't acting in a threatening/harassing/distressing way is hurtful and unnecessary.

AIBU?

But surely if that black and white approach to friendship isn't for you, then a person who feels that way is not someone that you would pursue a friendship with? Why would you want to 'put things right', with someone who would block you for something you considered a minor issue?

Fair point, if anyone ever did block me I do think I'd feel like I was well rid! I still think it's overly harsh in many scenarios, though.

YANBU. It's weird and flouncey and over-dramatic. I see it here; people having some sort of minor disagreement and others urging them to 'get new friends' - not so simple - and block.
It's the LTB of friendship.
Blocking is for abusive behaviour, not a falling out. It's like when I was ten and 'broke up' with my best friend more often than I care to remember. Happily there was no blocking and we generally made up the next day at school.

It’s the nuclear option. Blocking someone is an act of war. It’s hard to come back from and it takes no account of miscommunication or nuance or just people moving on.

And winner of the Most Hyperbolic Post goes to...😂😂😂 You know you can Unblock, right?

@StrawberrySquash

YANBU. It's weird and flouncey and over-dramatic. I see it here; people having some sort of minor disagreement and others urging them to 'get new friends' - not so simple - and block. It's the LTB of friendship. Blocking is for abusive behaviour, not a falling out. It's like when I was ten and 'broke up' with my best friend more often than I care to remember. Happily there was no blocking and we generally made up the next day at school.

Blocking is for whatever individuals want to use it for, hence why you don’t have to give a reason! Unblock also exists. When my younger sister was in high school they’d all block friends, then they make up in person the next day like kids always have and they just unblock, it’s just how some people use social media.

@ThatsNotMyGolem

The older I get, the less patience I have for fuckery. One strike and you're blocked.

Out of curiosity, what would you define as a 'strike'?

I think it’s healthy to block those you don’t want to see. It sets a clear boundary. People can block for whatever reason they want, it doesn’t have to meet a threshold of ‘significance’.

I think people who have been blocked are upset because it takes their power away, they are blocked and there’s nothing they can do about it. But that’s the whole point of blocking.

Other people don’t need to keep a door open or do anything they don’t want to.

I do think some people Unfriend and block too easily (as in don't even give things an opportunity to calm down and resolve instead). But I also think that a lot of the time friendships which would naturally fizzle out, where before you could just have not met up with that person anyone, are falsely sustained digitally so that if you don't unfriend and block you can have a lot of people on there who really shouldn't be anymore.
I do think some people only respond to NC. They only respond to really clear boundaries, in both the digital and physical realms. And for those people if you don't block and delete they see it as a sign that they are entitled to continue to ignore your boundaries and continue to manipulate, harass and abuse others. I don't think anyone should be obligated to sustain an online friendship just because they haven't had a face to face conversation with somebody about an issue, but equally I would have a lot more respect from somebody who did that because a quick coffee to air your grievances and have a proper ending seems like a good way to end a friendship. And I think that face to face people can often resolve things which look like bigger issues when played out over social media and other digital communication methods.

I do feel like people should tell the person in some way, not just block and ghost. Even if it's just a quick message. So long as no abuse harassment etc

I agree with you OP - people can unfriend, they only need to block people if they are being harassed by someone.

That said, I blocked a former boss because she was a bitch.

@Cookiecrumblepie

I think it’s healthy to block those you don’t want to see. It sets a clear boundary. People can block for whatever reason they want, it doesn’t have to meet a threshold of ‘significance’.

I think people who have been blocked are upset because it takes their power away, they are blocked and there’s nothing they can do about it. But that’s the whole point of blocking.

Other people don’t need to keep a door open or do anything they don’t want to.

Of course they don't need to. And of course people can block for any reason, but it doesn't say much for a friendship (or for the blocker) imho if people are blocked over trivial matters.

I suspect people on the receiving end of a 'petty' block are probably more upset their friendship wasn't valued enough to be deemed worthy of an actual conversation, than about power being taken away.

Well luckily people are free to manage their friendships and their sm as they wish.

I've never blocked anyone and I've never been blocked, AFAIK.

But obviously everyone has different tolerances and expectations of their friendships.

You seem to think that people do it for trivial reasons but can't know what events preceded the final straw that led to someone dropping a friend.

It may also be that the dropped friend considers their crime trivial whilst the person doing the dumping does not, or a trivial event in a litany of trivial events, or hurtful at a time their tolerance for such treatment was low.

You talk of persevering with a friendship and talking it through, but why bother if you've fundamentally decided that that friend just isn't worth the hassle any more.

I’m often amazed at how seriously MN still takes Facebook in general, it’s such a passé website.

You seem to think that people do it for trivial reasons but can't know what events preceded the final straw that led to someone dropping a friend.

I have seen blocking advocated for what seemed like a trivial reason on multiple occasions, yes. People reading a forum can only go by the information that's given.

It may also be that the dropped friend considers their crime trivial whilst the person doing the dumping does not, or a trivial event in a litany of trivial events, or hurtful at a time their tolerance for such treatment was low.

But in that scenario, unless they've done something really egregious, doesn't the dropped friend even deserve the courtesy of an explanation/the opportunity to make it up to the 'injured party' so to speak?

@TooBigForMyBoots

It’s the nuclear option. Blocking someone is an act of war. It’s hard to come back from and it takes no account of miscommunication or nuance or just people moving on.

And winner of the Most Hyperbolic Post goes to...😂😂😂 You know you can Unblock, right?

You do understand this is a metaphor, right?

Of course I understand you can unblock. But its pretty heavy handed. You need to be absolutely sure that you have actually been wronged, rather than just using it to flounce and seek attention. An awful lot of this blocking falls into the latter category IMHO.

When that's been done to me for trivial reasons I've lost respect for the person who's done it.

The whole of of blocking is essentially that 'no' an explanation isn't deserved. I think you are way overthinking this. If it was a real friendship, the person blocked could always just call and talk it through. Alternatively the blocked person just needs to move on. It's hurtful, but then again maybe the person blocked did something hurtful?

You seem to think that people do it for trivial reasons but can't know what events preceded the final straw that led to someone dropping a friend

Agree with this, I've blocked a group of people who I once considered friends after a few incidents that made me see that they just didn't value me as much as each other, there was no big falling out just a constant drip of smaller things. It might be seen as "petty" by the OP but to me it felt like taking back control of a situation that was hurting me and blocking stopped me from being able to look them up and be hurt by their actions again in future. As another poster said I've lost a lot of tolerance for bullshit as I get older, now I'm prepared to just block and not give it any more headspace.

Ok I had a school friend who was a bully to me. But still a friend. I made the mistake of saying I forgave her as it looked like she’d changed and she wanted to meet for coffee, luckily she lived not near me. She also tried twice to offer me free sessions of her therapy which I didn’t really want and I could see she was trying to get me to sign up for a course of this.

This week after ignoring a request from me re a possible workshop (I might even have signed up for her course) she finally got in touch after a month of no contact. I said I wasn’t interested especially if someone takes so long to reply but wished her luck whereupon I got a catty condescending message talking about her high paying real clients that she hadn’t really wanted to work with me (a lie) and that she was contacting me out of the kindness of her heart. Oh and she didn’t deal in rudeness.

I immediately blocked and deleted her everywhere as it was apparent she hadn’t changed a bit from her bully days.

She was a friend as in we were FB friends and friendly re we liked each other’s FB and Instagram posts.

What's the alternative to blocking? Not blocking them, so they can try to connect with you again and continue to try to message you?

If the relationship is over... blocking draws a clear line.

If the relationship isn't over... why did you delete in the first place?

I think it's perfectly reasonable to block someone you don't want any further contact with. Too many people use social media for passive-aggressive bitching and to get attention. I've been on the receiving end of this and it's very frustrating. Block away, as far as I'm concerned you're welcome.

You need to be absolutely sure that you have actually been wronged, rather than just using it to flounce and seek attention. An awful lot of this blocking falls into the latter category IMHO.

You don't have to be wronged to Block people. Sometimes folk need space from others. Not flouncing, not attention seeking, just creating some space for themselves.🧘‍♀️

I’ll never cease to be amazed at how some people feel they should be entitled to poke around the social media of people who don’t want them there.

Your friends have every right to set whatever boundaries they choose and end a friendship for any reason they like. You don’t have access rights to them. Why should someone who dislikes you have to maintain any kind of connection with you? Why would you even want them to?

@FionnulaTheCooler

You seem to think that people do it for trivial reasons but can't know what events preceded the final straw that led to someone dropping a friend

Agree with this, I've blocked a group of people who I once considered friends after a few incidents that made me see that they just didn't value me as much as each other, there was no big falling out just a constant drip of smaller things. It might be seen as "petty" by the OP but to me it felt like taking back control of a situation that was hurting me and blocking stopped me from being able to look them up and be hurt by their actions again in future. As another poster said I've lost a lot of tolerance for bullshit as I get older, now I'm prepared to just block and not give it any more headspace.

No, that doesn't sound petty, I think I'd actually have done the same in the scenario you describe! Fair point that sometimes blocking might be done to protect oneself from further hurt.

@ManateeFair

I’ll never cease to be amazed at how some people feel they should be entitled to poke around the social media of people who don’t want them there.

Your friends have every right to set whatever boundaries they choose and end a friendship for any reason they like. You don’t have access rights to them. Why should someone who dislikes you have to maintain any kind of connection with you? Why would you even want them to?

Yes, they do have every right, but if a friendship has meant something in the past and the other person hasn't done anything terrible, blocking is unnecessary hurtful imo.

And it's not about 'access rights' or 'poking around', you're extrapolating - I never mentioned anything of the sort. It's about whether or not the wrong someone has done is enough of a reason to just bin off a friendship in such a dramatic and final way.

Yeah, the most minor falling out or misunderstanding can lead to blocking for some people. I’ve had it happen twice and while it’s upsetting that for you, the situation could have been solved with a chat,
the other takes such stupid PA action.

The first time it happened was in 2010, the second was early this year. Tbh I just think “twat” about them now if that’s the petty way they want to react to minor fallings out.

What's the alternative to blocking? Not blocking them, so they can try to connect with you again and continue to try to message you?

No - unless the person is harassing you, why not just live and let live?

Friendships of mine have ended in the past without either side feeling the need to block, this is partly why I don't get it.