AIBU… to set boundaries with my older sister?

[chatterbug22]

As the title says - sorry for the second post, it will be my last on this topic!

I am really finding it challenging lately to be amicable with her and am under a big load of pressure from my family to pull out all the stops.

It is her wedding this year, I am bridesmaid and I haven’t had as much involvement in the prep as what she’d like. She was deeply hurt when I couldn’t rearrange work on a weekday for her dress fitting, and accused me of being a distant relative and said that I am responsible for destroying our sister relationship.
She’s older by six years if it makes any difference.

Whilst my mum sees my point in places and describes sister as ‘intense’, she justifies it by saying my sister only cares about me and is desperate for a nice carry-on. My sister will cry to my mum and has apparently said she is worried I hate her. It all seems like really huge scale reactions.

I reassure her often that I do want to spend time with her and care about her but this seems to make her place more demands on me, for instance she has said if I don’t ‘step up’ and be there for her then she will have to consider my place at her wedding.

In recent months I have taken a step back from her for the sake of my own well-being. I keep in touch with the odd message and like her posts, tagging her in things I think she’ll like etc. I would love to get on better, but she pushed me over deliberately on a family holiday - when I calmly called it out she replied that she should have pushed me harder then played it off as a joke. She spent all that week digging at me subtly and being extremely rude to my partner, who treats me wonderfully and doesn’t deserve any of it. Called us both boring for not wanting to drink, and nagged me to have a bottle of wine in each hand. I will drink but not to the amount she does. Majority of it done when my parents were out of earshot. She will try and push me for what my ‘five year plan is’ and mocked me to her other half for taking a long time painting pottery on a family holiday. I only know this because my dad and partner were with her OH at the time and saw the messages and unflattering photos that I didn’t know were being taken. I think my dad might understand at least a little, though he doesn’t say. He will try his best to include us, which is comforting. My sister and her partner love the conversation to be on them at all times and don’t allow room for anyone else’s stories. It’s any which way to put me down, so it seems. I have tried everything: challenging it does not work as she claims it is me looking for trouble, ignoring it seems to feed her idea that I am disinterested in her.

My mum seems to side more with my sister and has asked me to think twice about whether I want to be estranged from my sister. It’s just a lot of pressure and guilt trips.

I hate to imagine a not-so-distant future where we have nothing in common, and our kids don’t get on - but she’s blocked me entirely on social media, from all her accounts, until I ‘step up as her sister and friend’ whatever that is supposed to mean.

I have really done my best to understand where it’s coming from but I’m drawing a blank, I don’t know why she does it, she is pretty, talented, ambitious and career driven. Successful. She doesn’t have anything to be jealous of or insecure about where I’m concerned.

I guess I am just looking for a bit of moral support from others who have experienced similar. Thanks in advance x

Block her back and ask your mother has she thought seriously about being estranged from her daughter?
No bridesmaid role, no family holiday, meals, afternoon teas etc.
Your sister is a bitch and why doesn't ultimately matter, she is mistreating you and you can't make it stop in her presence. So you have to remove yourself from her presence.
If your DP has a nice close family then maybe start centering them for the traditional family occasions, Christmas/Diwali etc and maintain your relationship with your parents separately to your sister if you can.
If your mother resists this just ring your Dad regularly and meet up with him for lunch etc if possible.
I'm not saying you won't feel a lot of guilt over this but she is clearly not feeling guilty and is just escalating in her treatment of you, so take yourself out of the firing line.

She sounds awful, and your mum is her enabler/flying monkey.

Don’t even bother trying to meet her standards.

Go low contact and tell her given her high expectations, it’s probably best she chooses another bridesmaid.

And tell her next time she shoves you, you’ll slap her vicious face.

I don't understand why you would want to subject yourself or your children to this horrible person. Go low contact and tell her to find another bridesmaid. (Really I know it's not that simple and your parents will try to guilt trip you rather than stand up to her. )
I think parents favouring one child, so they grow up entitled and then expect siblings to pander to them so they don't kick off, is a very common situation.

She won't change though. I dumped my horrible brother and wished I'd done it years earlier.

Agree with PP's, you will never do right/enough to satisfy her so you may as well stop trying, separate your relationships with other family members as best you can and focus on people who don't make you feel like shit. FWIW her demands/expectations/criticisms of you sound ridiculous and anyone not stuck in your family dynamic would think so.

@StormyWindow thank you. I think people do see it, my partner does, my friends (that I’ve told) and I think my dad more than he’d say.

@3beesinmybonnet @M0rT @Squeezita

Thank you, do appreciate makes me feel like I’m not going crazy!

Your sister is trying to dominate, control and belittle you. I expect your mum knows full well and may well be intimidated by her so she is trying to persuade you to keep the peace.

Your sister really needs to reap the consequences of her actions.

Take a long step back, remain civil and leave her be.

Hard to do but you really don't deserve to live in a quagmire of her unpleasantness.

I’d cut out this relationship she sounds abusive

Your sister is a bully, but what you do about it without upsetting the family I'm not sure.

Perhaps get through the wedding, then keep your distance as much as you can get away with.

She's a bully and a bitch plain and simple.

Stop dancing to her tune. She's never going to change and you don't need that in your life. I agree with everyone else. Minimal contact.

@Hallmark1234 I think that’s probably about right. The problem is she is really persuasive and I’m just worried there will be drama on the day about me not ‘being there’ for the process. It has made me feel so guilty over the months!

@ButtockUp thank you. I feel like taking a step back is right, but that is exactly what I am being accused of doing so it’s really hard to do so comfortably.

But you're not her friend, you're her sister.
Sometimes siblings are also friends, but it doesn't necessarily follow.
There's no obligation, just because you were both born to the same parents.
It sounds like she is presuming, and demanding, more from you than you can (ever) give, in the name of some rose tinted ideal of what she thinks a sister should be and do.
I don't think you could ever be enough, or live up to what she wants, and it will always be your fault in her eyes.

I have an aunt like this. I’ve barely spoken to her in 16 years and it’s blissful. I was vilified by wider family at first and no every single one of them has realised what a cunt she is.

She only has people stick around because she’s rich (millionaire rich) and a lot of our family are very poor.

She tries to control everyone with money and cutting her out was the best thing in the world.

She sounds horrible. I would step down as bridesmaid now and tell her the pressure she puts on you does not in any way watch the shitty behaviour she exhibits towards you. Pushed you over? I’d fucking go ballistic! Is she 10?

She's awful.
She is trying to dominate and bully you.
Your mother is no better, facilitating her.

She's not your friend.

Continue to step back.
You will never win.
You do not want your children around her.

You will NEVER have peace with her in your life.
Accept that.

Stop fighting it.

Accept the person she is and avoid her.

If she continues to fuss about you not doing enough as BM, offer to step down.

Don't pretend to be her friend.
You are not.

Continue to step back and live your life.

She sounds like a very nasty piece of work.

Step away and stop the pretense that you are close.

Don't try and get your mother on side.
There is no point.

Just step away and keep your family safe from her.

Perhaps look up Dr Ramani on YouTube as she talks very well about narcissistic personality disorder. You may have an aha! moment .

@Cherrysoup yes pushed over. My mum wanted a picture of us together, so my sister grabbed hold of me and squeezed me very tightly for the camera (knows full well I do not like this from anyone, an arm around each other would’ve been nice enough). I winced a bit when she was squeezing me and she took a step back, laughed, and pushed my face to the side quite forcefully as if to say ‘you’re boring’. I just kind of froze and looked to my mum who literally turned around and faced the other way. I said, ‘what was that for?’ and my sister replied ‘should’ve done it harder, and into the ditch’ (there was a hill with some boggy mud behind us as we were in a forest).

I couldn’t quite believe it!

@EvilKinevil Thanks. I always feel guilty thinking of it as that, but it has crossed my mind before. I might take a watch. I do get imposter syndrome though and think what if it genuinely is just me being sensitive, like my sister says

Your sister is a brat. She is enabled by your mother. Do not negotiate with terrorists, personally I'd be saying, yeah, nah, I think you'd better find a different whipping girl for your wedding.

Then let your sister and her flying monkey, your mother, have their tanties, and do not engage.

Upon your update, I have to revise - your sister is a vicious, vindictive brat. Minimise time in her presence.

@billy1966 I think I just feel so much pressure to be there. My sister knows I am a worrier and I think probably interacts with me, with that in mind. The problem is I feel I can’t win: if I do step away it feeds into exactly what she tells everyone, that she cares so much about me and I’m disinterested. It really does confuse me and I just want to understand the root cause of why she is that way with me, but I guess acceptance of it comes first - thank you for your balanced reply!!

[quote chatterbug22]@ButtockUp thank you. I feel like taking a step back is right, but that is exactly what I am being accused of doing so it’s really hard to do so comfortably.[/quote]
I wonder what she'd do if, when she accuses you of 'not stepping up' or being distant, you just agreed with her? If you told her calmly that yes, you are stepping back from her because she puts so much guilt and pressure on you that you no longer enjoy being around her? I don't know if I would be brave enough, or sure enough that I wouldn't lose my cool in your shoes but it sounds like it would be the first time anyone had called her out or shone a spotlight on her behaviour so her reaction would be fascinating!

@StormyWindow I’ve tried similar and it goes from 0-100 very quickly. Does not listen. Flies off the handle and accuses me of gaslighting her and says things like ‘I cannot believe you are saying these things’.

It hurts because I do really want to be there for her. I don’t need to reach out to people as much as she does, but I think that’s just a difference in communication style and I wish she could accept that instead of things becoming so inflammatory. We were close growing up, she has always tried to steer me but then big sisters do and it can’t be disputed that she does want the best for me and ask other family members how I’m doing. That does conflict with how she is with me so makes me wonder if she’s aware of what she’s doing or not.

That’s because she’s normalised her behaviour by gaslighting you. You don’t need to feel guilty for watching a ten minute video on YouTube to try to understand your family dynamic. And you’ll be helping your own children too. You don’t want then to witness you getting treated so badly and then blaming yourself for it. That’ll be a confusing role model.