AIBU… to set boundaries with my older sister?

[chatterbug22]

As the title says - sorry for the second post, it will be my last on this topic!

I am really finding it challenging lately to be amicable with her and am under a big load of pressure from my family to pull out all the stops.

It is her wedding this year, I am bridesmaid and I haven’t had as much involvement in the prep as what she’d like. She was deeply hurt when I couldn’t rearrange work on a weekday for her dress fitting, and accused me of being a distant relative and said that I am responsible for destroying our sister relationship.
She’s older by six years if it makes any difference.

Whilst my mum sees my point in places and describes sister as ‘intense’, she justifies it by saying my sister only cares about me and is desperate for a nice carry-on. My sister will cry to my mum and has apparently said she is worried I hate her. It all seems like really huge scale reactions.

I reassure her often that I do want to spend time with her and care about her but this seems to make her place more demands on me, for instance she has said if I don’t ‘step up’ and be there for her then she will have to consider my place at her wedding.

In recent months I have taken a step back from her for the sake of my own well-being. I keep in touch with the odd message and like her posts, tagging her in things I think she’ll like etc. I would love to get on better, but she pushed me over deliberately on a family holiday - when I calmly called it out she replied that she should have pushed me harder then played it off as a joke. She spent all that week digging at me subtly and being extremely rude to my partner, who treats me wonderfully and doesn’t deserve any of it. Called us both boring for not wanting to drink, and nagged me to have a bottle of wine in each hand. I will drink but not to the amount she does. Majority of it done when my parents were out of earshot. She will try and push me for what my ‘five year plan is’ and mocked me to her other half for taking a long time painting pottery on a family holiday. I only know this because my dad and partner were with her OH at the time and saw the messages and unflattering photos that I didn’t know were being taken. I think my dad might understand at least a little, though he doesn’t say. He will try his best to include us, which is comforting. My sister and her partner love the conversation to be on them at all times and don’t allow room for anyone else’s stories. It’s any which way to put me down, so it seems. I have tried everything: challenging it does not work as she claims it is me looking for trouble, ignoring it seems to feed her idea that I am disinterested in her.

My mum seems to side more with my sister and has asked me to think twice about whether I want to be estranged from my sister. It’s just a lot of pressure and guilt trips.

I hate to imagine a not-so-distant future where we have nothing in common, and our kids don’t get on - but she’s blocked me entirely on social media, from all her accounts, until I ‘step up as her sister and friend’ whatever that is supposed to mean.

I have really done my best to understand where it’s coming from but I’m drawing a blank, I don’t know why she does it, she is pretty, talented, ambitious and career driven. Successful. She doesn’t have anything to be jealous of or insecure about where I’m concerned.

I guess I am just looking for a bit of moral support from others who have experienced similar. Thanks in advance x

Good post from minniegirl, one tweak, i wouldnt even phrase it like "i require qn apology" because they wont give one, and then if you back down and join in q family event in the future, it will be taken as prrof you were over reacting and you realise that now.

Next time yr mother says "things are very wrong in the family". Say "I agree. Physical aggression is glossed over in this family".

In dysfunctional families people have roles and it sounds like yours OP is "peacekeeper/people pleaser". You are always the one expected to accommodate others bad behavior and be "understanding". Your mum, as much as she may love you is clearly guilting you into complying and you feel intense obligation to do what's required, as YOU PERSONALLY are expected to right this "wrong" and acquiesce. Yes it feels "uncomfortable" because a dynamic has grown up where the oldest child gets to be a demanding bully and everyone else is supposed to accept her outrageous behavior. She clearly has been getting away with this for a long time, as your parents don't expect her to apologize.

You can step out of the role assigned to you. Its "uncomfortable" in your family because they are in denial about how bad things have got and are frightened to acknowledge the truth of the situation.

I also think you should agree with your mother that there is something very wrong in this family and has been for a long time.

You have indeed been assigned the role of the person who just is expected to suck up her ad behaviour.

Don't bother arguing the point.

Just move out asap as far away as you can and step away from them.

You can see your parents in YOUR home and simply avoid your sister.

Just be busy and unavailable.

That's exactly what I cannot tolerate any longer in my dysfunctional family @chatterbug22 being painted the perpetrator! That more than the things they did seems like the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I'm just not allowed to have a reaction to anything they do. But they have strong martyred, outraged, angry, accusatory reactions to me saying ''Stop calling me paranoid''. ''Stop stonewalling me. Stop giving me the silent treatment.''

I'm just not allowed to have any reaction in our family system. NOPE>

OP this is just a suggestion, but as you say your sister shoots you down or won't listen to you, maybe you could try writing her a letter. I've found this to be a very effective way of getting my point across, as when you write a letter and aren't there when the person reads it, they can't argue with you, they actually are forced to listen (unless of course they throw a paddy and throw the paper in the bin or rip it up in temper), but most people won't do that, because they can't bear not knowing what else you have to say. So if you really don't want to be bridesmaid, I would put this in your letter, and tell her that since she assaulted you, you don't feel safe to be around her. Tell her that her passing this sort of behaviour off as messing around or just joking, isn't funny, and you are no longer prepared to tolerate it. Lay down your ground rules, and then if she appears in order to have a row, just calmly tell her that you've said all you have to say in the letter, and if she doesn't like it, then perhaps it's better if you don't go to the wedding at all. Again, if she phones you, same thing. Then the next time she starts to act out, just turn around and walk out of the room, don't even try to argue, just walk away. If your parents see this, simply tell them that you are no longer prepared to accept your sister's bullying, and as they won't stand up to her on your behalf, then you have no choice but to do it yourself.

I have a sister who is 8 years older than me, when we were young, she would often tell me that she treated me like a little dolly when I was born, and loved taking me out in the pushchair (no buggies in those days, lol), pretending I was her baby doll. She always referred to dressing me in 'rompers', and like your sister, became used to telling me what to do, as she was the eldest. Eventually it all came to a head, when as adults we had a disagreement in front of my Mum, I could see Mum was getting upset, so I quite forcefully said 'we're not going to do this in front of Mum - outside'. I walked outside giving her no choice but to follow me, I think she thought I was going to punch her lights out, which is funny as she's a lot bigger built than me. We had a bit of a barny, and I told her that I was no longer her baby sister in rompers, but a full grown adult, and I was no longer going to be pushed around by her, and if she didn't like it, then she could do the other thing. She went off in a huff that day, but then to my surprise when she turned up at Mum's when I was there another time, she actually looked quite frightened when she saw me, probably wondering if she was in for another ear bashing, but I'd said what needed to be said, greeted her as if nothing had happened, and all went well for some years. Sadly we're not in touch these days, but I guess once I'd grown up we just never had anything in common any more. Sorry this is so long. I wish you well in whatever way you decide to move forward, but please don't continue to accept this bullying by your family - it's not just your sister, it's your parents too as they're backing up her awful behaviour. So tell them how you feel, and what you expect from them, you could write your parents a letter too, telling them how you feel let down by them if you want to. You'll be surprised how much stronger you feel once you've spoken out. Good luck!

@billy1966

She's awful. She is trying to dominate and bully you. Your mother is no better, facilitating her.

She's not your friend.

Continue to step back.
You will never win.
You do not want your children around her.

You will NEVER have peace with her in your life.
Accept that.

Stop fighting it.

Accept the person she is and avoid her.

If she continues to fuss about you not doing enough as BM, offer to step down.

Don't pretend to be her friend.
You are not.

Continue to step back and live your life.

She sounds like a very nasty piece of work.

Step away and stop the pretense that you are close.

Don't try and get your mother on side.
There is no point.

Just step away and keep your family safe from her.

@chatterbug22 Billy1966 has it right! Your sister is a bully who trying to control you and she's using your mother as her flying monkey to make sure you're kept in your place. Your sister won't change and will get even worse the more you engage with her and allow her behaviour to continue.

As for your mum next time she says you should think twice about whether you want to be estranged from your sister turn it back on her and say "mum everytime you guilt trip and pressure me over this I respect you less and less as my mum, it makes me want to withdraw from you more and more and if you continue with this behaviour you're going end up estranged from your daughter is that what YOU want?" and leave her to let that sink in.

Going forward OP stop engaging with your sister. So what if she bombards you with calls and texts you don't have to answer or reply. Next time the family/flying monkey's pressure you say very firmly "I don't want to talk about it" and then put the phone down or leave every time they'll soon stop when they get no result they're pressuring you because they know eventually they'll wear you down and you'll give in which is exactly what your sister wants. Don't retaliate or say your sister has done xyz to provoke you because clearly they're making you the scapegoat regardless. I once saw another poster say this and its true "you can't control other people's behaviour but you can control how you react to it". You wouldn't pander to a toddler tantrum so don't pander to your sister and her flying monkey's tantrums let them do it just don't give a reaction.

@EvilKinevil

Perhaps look up Dr Ramani on YouTube as she talks very well about narcissistic personality disorder. You may have an aha! moment .

Agree with this. Your sister sounds like a classic NPD.

Ticks off all the boxes.

Also, just an FYI: NPDs get worse over time.

I would go very low contact.

Also, start reading and learning about NPDs and how you can protect yourself from their manipulations.

@MinnieGirl*@WickedWitchOfTheEast87 @BambinaJAS* @Speakuptomakeyourselfheard @Lurking9to5 @billy1966

Thank you, I do massively appreciate you all giving such good advice. It’s interesting to hear first hand experiences from others. It’s my sister’s birthday in a couple of weeks and I feel a bit stressed, I am working on that day anyway but I don’t know what to do for it or what to get her. She only lives 10 minutes away and my parents will be extremely unhappy if I don’t see her on her birthday, or pop round with her present.

She did get me an expensive, nice birthday present a few months ago but it was my other half’s a few weeks ago and she only got him a card - deliberately the most plain one too, but sent via moonpig so it wasn’t as if it was money saving. He wasn’t offended even the slightest as he isn’t big on birthdays but it wound me up as last year there was a much bigger effort.

Is sending flowers in the post and a card appropriate or should I go for something more personal? I want to be amicable with her but in her presence I’m not confident enough, I feel like I must look uncomfortable and like I can’t meet her eyes and she has got to sense that.

I’m still blocked on all her social media channels, she has a few accounts too for different things and blocked from each one. I know sisters squabble but it feels a bit far to go as adults.

An interesting point which I’d forgotten was that, before we went on the holiday in December, I was a bit worried that she would make the atmosphere uncomfortable. Unfortunately my worries came true, but that aside, I confided this before we went in my mum who was defensive of my sister at first and then half an hour later gave me a hug and told me she understood it all.

I do need to stand my ground better and I am fast working on it, but it’s hard when I am feeling guilty about the fact she has told everyone she feels as if I don’t care about her. I don’t know whether she is just genuinely unaware of her behaviour and that’s a possibility, but it does all seem rather deliberate and in my direction only.

I think it’ll be easier from next week after we have the keys to our first home and I won’t feel under scrutiny as much to always be available to my sister, and when I am it’ll be my terms!

Just gradually withdraw, be less available, she will kick off but if you keep calm and cool and use some grey rock techniques it might help.

In your shoes I'd be letting her know that you can't possibly put the time and effort she deserves into being her bridesmaid, and that she should ask someone much more dedicated than you feel able to be, after all it is her big day etc... Make a fuss or gush or something, frame it as you trying to do the right thing for her, when really its you it's giving an out to

She sounds like a bit of a bridezilla

[quote chatterbug22]**@MinnieGirl@WickedWitchOfTheEast87 @BambinaJAS @Speakuptomakeyourselfheard @Lurking9to5 @billy1966

Thank you, I do massively appreciate you all giving such good advice. It’s interesting to hear first hand experiences from others. It’s my sister’s birthday in a couple of weeks and I feel a bit stressed, I am working on that day anyway but I don’t know what to do for it or what to get her. She only lives 10 minutes away and my parents will be extremely unhappy if I don’t see her on her birthday, or pop round with her present.

She did get me an expensive, nice birthday present a few months ago but it was my other half’s a few weeks ago and she only got him a card - deliberately the most plain one too, but sent via moonpig so it wasn’t as if it was money saving. He wasn’t offended even the slightest as he isn’t big on birthdays but it wound me up as last year there was a much bigger effort.

Is sending flowers in the post and a card appropriate or should I go for something more personal? I want to be amicable with her but in her presence I’m not confident enough, I feel like I must look uncomfortable and like I can’t meet her eyes and she has got to sense that.

I’m still blocked on all her social media channels, she has a few accounts too for different things and blocked from each one. I know sisters squabble but it feels a bit far to go as adults.

An interesting point which I’d forgotten was that, before we went on the holiday in December, I was a bit worried that she would make the atmosphere uncomfortable. Unfortunately my worries came true, but that aside, I confided this before we went in my mum who was defensive of my sister at first and then half an hour later gave me a hug and told me she understood it all.

I do need to stand my ground better and I am fast working on it, but it’s hard when I am feeling guilty about the fact she has told everyone she feels as if I don’t care about her. I don’t know whether she is just genuinely unaware of her behaviour and that’s a possibility, but it does all seem rather deliberate and in my direction only.

I think it’ll be easier from next week after we have the keys to our first home and I won’t feel under scrutiny as much to always be available to my sister, and when I am it’ll be my terms![/quote]
@chatterbug22 I think your sister is more than aware of her behaviour she just doesn't care because for her it results in her getting her own way. The fact she's blocked you on all her social media accounts but then tells the family she feels like you don't care about her is blatant manipulation. She's playing the poor badly treated victim whilst making you the villain, the scapegoat and the nasty cow who caused the issues. If she genuinely cared she wouldn't be saying one thing then doing another. Its all manipulation to keep you in your place and putting up with her crap.

Your mother is her enabler its all well and good her saying she understands but has she actually said to your sister that her behaviour is unacceptable? Your mother is quick enough to make you feel guilty about the situation and pressure you but yet she defends and excuses your sister who is causing it. Thats not listening and understanding you OP she's agreeing with you to reel you back into your sisters spitefulness. I wouldn't be surprised if your sister does the same to your mum and your mum would rather throw you under the bus than put up with it herself which is unfair and unacceptable!

If you really wanna be polite and reasonable send your sister a card with a gift voucher and leave it at that.

Also whatever you do OP won't ever be good enough you're in a no win situation. Whether you continue to let your sister bully you or disengage and go low contact either way she'll kick off at you over something so you may as well step back from them all and only reply and answer your phone when you want. If they pressure you firmly say "I'm not talking about this, I've made my decision now stop." and end the call or walk out and leave. Everyone will soon start seeing her true colours when you're not there for her to bully and she'll pick someone else in your place her type always do.

I had a relative like your sister. Most of the family wanted to knock her down and rub her face in mud! Your sister needs a good set down the very minute she begins to act up again and now is the time for you to do it then walk away. Tell her to get back with you after she has been exorcized! 🤣 Maybe hold a can of hornet spray in hand, too, for dramatic effect!

@WickedWitchOfTheEast87 is goving good advice OP.

The sooner you are out of your parents house the better.
I cannot stress this enough.

Your mother is a bully too, that is also trying to control what you do.

The whole family dynamic seems very ugly to me.

I think you need to be VERY busy with work and your new home and take as big a step away from your family.

As @wicked has suggested don't be discussing it other that "i don't wish to discuss" and I'm busy with my home"

Your mother is at the heart of this.
If she told your sister to behave herself, this would not be the constant dynamic.

Once you are in YOUR home, do not allow ANYONE in that you do not want in there.

Take space.