AIBU… to set boundaries with my older sister?

[chatterbug22]

As the title says - sorry for the second post, it will be my last on this topic!

I am really finding it challenging lately to be amicable with her and am under a big load of pressure from my family to pull out all the stops.

It is her wedding this year, I am bridesmaid and I haven’t had as much involvement in the prep as what she’d like. She was deeply hurt when I couldn’t rearrange work on a weekday for her dress fitting, and accused me of being a distant relative and said that I am responsible for destroying our sister relationship.
She’s older by six years if it makes any difference.

Whilst my mum sees my point in places and describes sister as ‘intense’, she justifies it by saying my sister only cares about me and is desperate for a nice carry-on. My sister will cry to my mum and has apparently said she is worried I hate her. It all seems like really huge scale reactions.

I reassure her often that I do want to spend time with her and care about her but this seems to make her place more demands on me, for instance she has said if I don’t ‘step up’ and be there for her then she will have to consider my place at her wedding.

In recent months I have taken a step back from her for the sake of my own well-being. I keep in touch with the odd message and like her posts, tagging her in things I think she’ll like etc. I would love to get on better, but she pushed me over deliberately on a family holiday - when I calmly called it out she replied that she should have pushed me harder then played it off as a joke. She spent all that week digging at me subtly and being extremely rude to my partner, who treats me wonderfully and doesn’t deserve any of it. Called us both boring for not wanting to drink, and nagged me to have a bottle of wine in each hand. I will drink but not to the amount she does. Majority of it done when my parents were out of earshot. She will try and push me for what my ‘five year plan is’ and mocked me to her other half for taking a long time painting pottery on a family holiday. I only know this because my dad and partner were with her OH at the time and saw the messages and unflattering photos that I didn’t know were being taken. I think my dad might understand at least a little, though he doesn’t say. He will try his best to include us, which is comforting. My sister and her partner love the conversation to be on them at all times and don’t allow room for anyone else’s stories. It’s any which way to put me down, so it seems. I have tried everything: challenging it does not work as she claims it is me looking for trouble, ignoring it seems to feed her idea that I am disinterested in her.

My mum seems to side more with my sister and has asked me to think twice about whether I want to be estranged from my sister. It’s just a lot of pressure and guilt trips.

I hate to imagine a not-so-distant future where we have nothing in common, and our kids don’t get on - but she’s blocked me entirely on social media, from all her accounts, until I ‘step up as her sister and friend’ whatever that is supposed to mean.

I have really done my best to understand where it’s coming from but I’m drawing a blank, I don’t know why she does it, she is pretty, talented, ambitious and career driven. Successful. She doesn’t have anything to be jealous of or insecure about where I’m concerned.

I guess I am just looking for a bit of moral support from others who have experienced similar. Thanks in advance x

@Eightiesfan I don’t blame anyone for wanting to keep the peace, but by the same logic I wish it felt easier for me to be allowed to keep my own peace! Thanks lovely x

Do appreciate everyone’s thoughts here, I know I wrote an essay. I think I have been made to feel guilty for more things than I realise, and it’s only as I wrote it all back out that I realised how it looked. She is very convincing and persuasive though which makes things all the harder. I would hate for anything big to kick off on her special day.

She sounds completely toxic. You need a couple of rehearsed phrases that don’t feed the drama.
Does it matter if she demotes you from being a bridesmaid? It sounds better than being constantly mistreated between now and then. Why not just say “If that’s what you want, I respect your decision”.

She wants to upset you, as all bullies do, so every time you don’t get upset by her you win. There is nothing you could do which would annoy her more, or preserve your mental health more, than just refusing to engage with her spiteful batshittery. Just smile and nod.

@GetOffTheTableMabel I don’t care what my role is, or what the dress looks like. I care about her having a nice time truthfully. I don’t mind being demoted but if I express that it’ll be pounced on, then I’ll be demonised for it. I will try more of that!

I could well be wrong but it seems to me as though your sister is attempting to push your buttons in an attempt to get your attention. Clearly she feels hurt that you're not as excited about her wedding as she is. Blocking you on social media is very childish and counterproductive though. I think that the best thing is to try and do something nice together, just the two of you and see how you get on. Keep your parents out of it. You're grown-ups, not children. If, like you say, you don't want to end up estranged, then you have to try and find a way forward. Clearly the situation is making both of you unhappy.

[quote chatterbug22]@Lurking9to5 this sounds like a good approach. I do feel a twinge of sad, because I want to genuinely be there and present. She is my sister. She just doesn’t respect me or see me as an equal in any capacity. I think I have been made to feel guilty about a lot though when it comes to her and I have to learn not to, and to have things on my terms.[/quote]
yeh, that's often the core issue. within your family your are who your sister says you are. You are playing the part she wrote for you and if you deviate from that it causes problems in the family, it's unfair to you.

If you push this you will probably end up very let down by your parents... I could be wrong. But from the little bits you've said your mum gives in to your sister and your dad wants peace so if you push back for the first time and push back hard, then you will be perceived to be the problem. You're going off script.

This is a toxic and dysfunctional family situation.
Look up Karpmans Triangulation Theory as to why your parents dont challenge her.

Shd is exhibiting narc tendencies in her behaviour of entitlement, bullying and demands- tantrums when she doesnt get her own way.
These people have a very high tolerance for conflict and drama.
They get a kick out of it but most of all they love discrediting you and blaming.
She wont change or see your POV.
The pushing is an escalation, a warning .

The wedding, smile and get through it, then fade away.

I;m sorry OP, my twin sister used to treat me like this too, it took me until she started bullying my children and making them feel like they weren’t good enough too before I finally went no contact.
You’re already being accused of not stepping up and I bet it escalates into you ruining her special day. (can you tell I’m speaking from experience?) So you may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.
It doesn’t matter if you were the best friend/bridesmaid/sister in the world ever and near destroyed yourself to do what she wants, it will not be good enough. Nothing you ever do will be good enough. I heard ‘you have to stop being like this’ so many times and drove myself to a breakdown trying to stop being me. Still wasn’t good enough.
You can turn yourself inside out and make yourself miserable to be the person she;s trying to bully you into, it won’t be enough. You’re her unch bag, the one who isn’t good enough, the one she mocks and bullies to make her own life seem better.
She’s a controlling bully. You would do well to study the ‘grey rock’ technique and start implementing it. Have a read of the Stately Homes thread too, some great advice on there.
You may not be ready to put up boundaries yet, years of conditioning are so hard to overcome. But for your own sake take a quiet step back and don’t engage. Just smile and nod then go home and cry.
Put minimum effort into wedding, then just drift apart.

Good luck OP, its not easy. your family will guilt trip you but you need to look after yourself.

I hate to imagine a not-so-distant future where we have nothing in common, and our kids don’t get on - but she’s blocked me entirely on social media, from all her accounts, until I ‘step up as her sister and friend’ whatever that is supposed to mean.

A future with nothing in common with this bully would seem ideal. Just because we share blood doesn't mean we have to like or even tolerate someone.

[quote chatterbug22]@Cherrysoup yes pushed over. My mum wanted a picture of us together, so my sister grabbed hold of me and squeezed me very tightly for the camera (knows full well I do not like this from anyone, an arm around each other would’ve been nice enough). I winced a bit when she was squeezing me and she took a step back, laughed, and pushed my face to the side quite forcefully as if to say ‘you’re boring’. I just kind of froze and looked to my mum who literally turned around and faced the other way. I said, ‘what was that for?’ and my sister replied ‘should’ve done it harder, and into the ditch’ (there was a hill with some boggy mud behind us as we were in a forest).

I couldn’t quite believe it![/quote]
Your mistake is in not pushing a closed fist into her face in your own defence when she assaulted you. I wouldn't even attend her wedding and certainly not dance to her tune by being a bridesmaid.

@JudgeJ thank you

@Tiddlesthecat thank you for being balanced in your response. I don’t believe there is 100% bad intention and think what you’re saying has some truth behind it where my sister is concerned, it’s just difficult to deal with it.

Hahahaha she’s a fucking idiot. How are you even meant to “step up as her sister and friend” if you can’t even talk to her on anything? Honestly I’d call her bluff. Can’t be arsed with people who carry on like this,
Just endless drama for the sake of it.

I’d say to wish her well and hope she has a nice wedding without you but she blocked you so you can’t. Oh well.

@chatterbug22- It sounds like she's doing what's called "hoovering" and yes it's to suck you back in and put you back in your place.
I'm really not well at all today and don't want to give 2nd -rate advice; can I get back to you when I feel able? Meantime, just read up on dysfucntional families as much as you can. Is that OK? i'M REALLY SORRY.

P.S. I think @HeckinMiffed has given you very good advice. She's been through it herself! Yes, you really must put your own peace of mind and health and wellbeing first!

@HeckinMiffed thank you I really appreciate this x

Have you heard of being in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)?
This sounds like your sister is allowed to be abusive by your mum while your dad stays silent (so also allowing it). It just sounds like a toxic dynamic in the family. Your sister is responsible for her own behavior but none of you should be accepting this behavior from her.

You basically can't trust her and don't feel safe in her presence, psychologically or physically.

I would definitely step back from being in her wedding party, noone has to tolerate being abused. Don't let her manipulate you.

Out of the FOG

outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

@GoodnessTruthBeauty thank you. Goodness that does fit it exactly. I just don’t think I would ever be forgiven if I stepped back from the wedding, I have to be there but it’s hard to be present in the build up when I feel intimidated by her.

@2Gen no worries, thank you lovely. So kind x

Excellent advice from @HeckinMiffed.

You write above that you feel "intimidated" by her?

Why would you want that around your children?

She has blocked you.
Make no effort to contact her.

Google "grey rock" and "medium chill" to help you through the wedding, even if you do act as bridesmaid.

Be very busy in work continuously, and slso with family life, to avoid her as much as possible.

Just nod and smile to get through it.

But once the wedding is over, just back away.

This may affect you relationship with your parents, but accept that.

They have failed you utterly.

Should she have children, expect her to try and bully her way back into your life.

You badly need counselling to help you through this, if you can organise it.

Dr Susan Forward's books are fantastic for advice on dealing with toxic individuals. Her book "Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You" is very helpful and gives solid techniques and strategies for dealing with them.
www.goodreads.com/book/show/534092.Emotional_Blackmail

Thank you all for your balanced and kind responses. I think I find it hard because I am receiving a lot of pressure from my mum about this. I still live at home (hopefully getting the keys to our first home together in a couple of weeks) and my mum is moping around saying that she has a heavy heart, and things are very ‘wrong’ within the family and don’t I feel uncomfortable about it?

I feel like I am being painted as the perpetrator and I’m not, but I feel intimidated by my sister and never leave interactions with her feeling very good but now feel as if I have to reach out to keep the peace and make sure my parents are happy? I feel stuck!

@GoodnessTruthBeauty thank you.

@chatterbug22

Thank you all for your balanced and kind responses. I think I find it hard because I am receiving a lot of pressure from my mum about this. I still live at home (hopefully getting the keys to our first home together in a couple of weeks) and my mum is moping around saying that she has a heavy heart, and things are very ‘wrong’ within the family and don’t I feel uncomfortable about it?

I feel like I am being painted as the perpetrator and I’m not, but I feel intimidated by my sister and never leave interactions with her feeling very good but now feel as if I have to reach out to keep the peace and make sure my parents are happy? I feel stuck!

Your parents can’t handle this nasty child of theirs, and can’t/won’t admit it may be their fault for allowing it to happen and not calling her out. They want a nice easy life, so it’s easy to change the narrative and go along with sister, who says it’s all your fault, and if you would just step up and do exactly what she says all will be fine….

But it won’t be. Your sister has mum and dad where she wants them, and now she wants you under control. She will never change. She will always be the same, and nothing you say or do will change that.

Your sister pushed you over and your parents did nothing. She and her partner made fun of your boyfriend. Your patents did nothing. You are being used as the scape goat here, you are the punchbag, and if you want to be the carry on.

But do you really want that?

Personally, the physical assault would be the hill to die on. I would tell your mum very calmly that you require an apology from your sister before you can move on. That physical assault is not the way sisters behave and you cannot get around that. Once she has apologised then you would be willing to re-examine how you can move forwards together. Keep repeating that. If mum questions it, ask her if she thinks it’s ok for your sister to assault you…

I’m sure your sister won’t apologise, but you can then withdraw from the wedding as you don’t feel safe around her, in light of her previous assault. She is toxic, and I’m afraid she will only get worse. No one is telling her to stop, parents are enabler, and her partner sounds an unpleasant fella.

If you could move out soon that would be a very good plan! Get away from all of this.