AIBU… to set boundaries with my older sister?

[chatterbug22]

As the title says - sorry for the second post, it will be my last on this topic!

I am really finding it challenging lately to be amicable with her and am under a big load of pressure from my family to pull out all the stops.

It is her wedding this year, I am bridesmaid and I haven’t had as much involvement in the prep as what she’d like. She was deeply hurt when I couldn’t rearrange work on a weekday for her dress fitting, and accused me of being a distant relative and said that I am responsible for destroying our sister relationship.
She’s older by six years if it makes any difference.

Whilst my mum sees my point in places and describes sister as ‘intense’, she justifies it by saying my sister only cares about me and is desperate for a nice carry-on. My sister will cry to my mum and has apparently said she is worried I hate her. It all seems like really huge scale reactions.

I reassure her often that I do want to spend time with her and care about her but this seems to make her place more demands on me, for instance she has said if I don’t ‘step up’ and be there for her then she will have to consider my place at her wedding.

In recent months I have taken a step back from her for the sake of my own well-being. I keep in touch with the odd message and like her posts, tagging her in things I think she’ll like etc. I would love to get on better, but she pushed me over deliberately on a family holiday - when I calmly called it out she replied that she should have pushed me harder then played it off as a joke. She spent all that week digging at me subtly and being extremely rude to my partner, who treats me wonderfully and doesn’t deserve any of it. Called us both boring for not wanting to drink, and nagged me to have a bottle of wine in each hand. I will drink but not to the amount she does. Majority of it done when my parents were out of earshot. She will try and push me for what my ‘five year plan is’ and mocked me to her other half for taking a long time painting pottery on a family holiday. I only know this because my dad and partner were with her OH at the time and saw the messages and unflattering photos that I didn’t know were being taken. I think my dad might understand at least a little, though he doesn’t say. He will try his best to include us, which is comforting. My sister and her partner love the conversation to be on them at all times and don’t allow room for anyone else’s stories. It’s any which way to put me down, so it seems. I have tried everything: challenging it does not work as she claims it is me looking for trouble, ignoring it seems to feed her idea that I am disinterested in her.

My mum seems to side more with my sister and has asked me to think twice about whether I want to be estranged from my sister. It’s just a lot of pressure and guilt trips.

I hate to imagine a not-so-distant future where we have nothing in common, and our kids don’t get on - but she’s blocked me entirely on social media, from all her accounts, until I ‘step up as her sister and friend’ whatever that is supposed to mean.

I have really done my best to understand where it’s coming from but I’m drawing a blank, I don’t know why she does it, she is pretty, talented, ambitious and career driven. Successful. She doesn’t have anything to be jealous of or insecure about where I’m concerned.

I guess I am just looking for a bit of moral support from others who have experienced similar. Thanks in advance x

Setting boundaries is not a magic solution. The person eroding yr boundaries wont say "well ok then".
I know i tried in my family but there is no facility for feedback in my family. My dad and brother supporr the narc like yr mum supports yr sister. You will be the bad guy for asking for change.

All you can do is fade away with v little explanation.

I have three big sisters. What she is doing is using her dominant position with both you and your mother, to bully, intimidate, and manipulate you. You are a grown adult. You get to make your own choices, make your own actions, and wear your own consequences, just as she does. She is not a parent. Don't buy into the narrative of, 'she just wants the best for me'.

When is the wedding?

I have lived through this situation with DH and his older sister, with his mum being a massive enabler.

Don’t try to understand it. If you are a normal balanced individual you cannot wrap your head around how someone can Jekyll and Hyde you, but that is the basis of your relationship.

You can’t change it, the change has to come from her. It’s unlikely unfortunately but the best thing you can do is protect your mental health and self esteem.

@Lurking9to5 summer

@Illstartexercisingtomorrow thanks lovely. Must have been tough x

@mbosnz thank you. It’s always harder to see a situation when you’re in it.

[quote chatterbug22]@mbosnz thank you. It’s always harder to see a situation when you’re in it.[/quote]
It really is! She's your sister - older or younger, that is irrelevant. Being older doesn't make her necessarily smarter, wiser, well disposed to wards you, or kind or compassionate.

Sometimes we get big sisters who are bullies, manipulative, and really enjoy using their perceived power over us as younger sisters.

[quote chatterbug22]@Cherrysoup yes pushed over. My mum wanted a picture of us together, so my sister grabbed hold of me and squeezed me very tightly for the camera (knows full well I do not like this from anyone, an arm around each other would’ve been nice enough). I winced a bit when she was squeezing me and she took a step back, laughed, and pushed my face to the side quite forcefully as if to say ‘you’re boring’. I just kind of froze and looked to my mum who literally turned around and faced the other way. I said, ‘what was that for?’ and my sister replied ‘should’ve done it harder, and into the ditch’ (there was a hill with some boggy mud behind us as we were in a forest).

I couldn’t quite believe it![/quote]
Now that is full-on bullying OP and you have to make sure she can never, ever do anything like that again, to you but especially to any children you may have! Be sure, any DC you may have will be at risk from her toxicity as well, and far more vulnerable to it than an adult, so you must keep her away from them and best start as you mean to go on! She has so blatantly crossed the line by this, I'm surprised you feel any guilt at all! She is the one who is the problem here, not you! Look into Fear. Obligation. Guilt- F.O.G. and realise that she doesn't really want a happy, loving sisterly relationship with you, she wants to domineer and control you which you must not allow.
Your DM does sound like a flying monkey as well. You need to read about dysfunctional families and toxic people so you can put the responsibility back with your DSIS where it belongs. You can't have a good relationship with these sorts; they destroy people's mental health and suck them dry. You deserve to be well and happy and I'm sorry your in this position; I've had to cut people off too, and trust me, you'll get over any guilt very quick once you read up on all this and breath a sigh of relief. You'll only wish you'd cut her off sooner! All the best OP!

@2Gen thank you. Really appreciate the insight. I thought as much but it’s hard to understand it as that when it’s passed off as joking, worse when I get. ‘You’re being sensitive’ on the back of it.

I will look into that. What would you advise I do for the wedding, after she’s threatened to demote me? I think that’s designed to make me crawl back. She wants to meet face to face to ‘repair our relationship’ but I feel baffled because I feel like she’s gone about destructing it herself, and is now trying to implicate me. I don’t really want to meet her to talk to her about it because she just puts it all back on me. If that makes sense?

OP,

You sound so lovely but terrorised by her.

Her pushing you is not normal.

Do you realise this?

It is not normal.

In my mind she assaulted you.

If a man did that, it absolutely would be called assault.

As others have said and I will repeat, stop trying to understand her.

Stop trying to figure her out.

You can't.

She isn't a nice, decent person.

She is somebody who would lay her hands on another person.

You are saying she wants the best for you and you are sure of it?

Why?

Her behaviour is a complete contradiction of that.

She wants to be close to you, to bully and control you.

Your mother has done a really shit job rearing her, that she has allowed this monster to go unchecked.

Please consider some counselling.
I think it would definitely open your eyes to the unhealthy dynamic in which you were reared and are now stuck in.

If you want your life to be better and more peaceful, continue to step away from this awful woman, who so easily assaulted you.

Best thing I ever did was putting in boundaries and only allowing contact within my terms and boundaries with my sister who was very similar to yours.
They don't like it, they've turned another sibling against me along with other extended family members. Others though have seen it for what it is and have applauded me for standing my ground and are now doing the same. Can genuinely say there is nothing positive missing from my life with them missing but a lot of negatives no longer there.

@slothbyday thank you. Appreciated. How did you learn to rise above the people that did judge you for it?

@EvilKinevil thank you! Great point

OP, if you really feel you have to meet her then tell her beforehand that "repairing a relationship" requires listening from both sides. Make it clear you're not going to turn up just to take an earbashing from her. She has to acknowledge she's acted badly in this and take accountability. Two voices need to be heard, not just one.

If she doesn't do that, just get up and leave.

(But to add, I'd probably have blocked her back and not entertain her lunacy)

Why do you worry about her saying you're disinterested?

So, as an example, say she invited you for a dress fitting and you don't take a day off work. Your sister then cries to your Mum. Then your Mum says to you - your sister is so upset, she thinks you don't care. I'm wondering what stops you from saying, 'I don't care. I can't take a day off work.'

I'm asking genuinely. What stops you from calling a spade a spade and carrying the attitude of 'no shits given' about it?

What if I said, maybe if your attitude was - Mum she's an idiot, I don't actually care - then your sister would have quite a lot less power over you?

If I said- maybe the power she has over you, is down to your worry about your parents perception of you - how would you feel about that? E.g agree/disagree/feel uncomfortable?

You don't have to agree with me! I'm just putting it out there as something to consider.

@Deliadel I think you’ve cracked it to be honest, and credit to you cos it was a long and probably in places boring read - my big essay!

Do need to realise that it’s not my responsibility to worry about what others think. It’s their business not mine! I’m getting there. Spade a spade is possibly what I’ve been missing, it’s a good approach x

@C0rBlimey I don’t want to meet her overly, I never feel like I can quite look her in the eye - intimidated, I guess. It throws me off when she projects things back on to me and I’ve tried in so many different ways and it has always been the same result. She does not take accountability and even if I gently point something out she will fly up the wall, no matter how balanced I make it. I do hope things will change one day, she hasn’t yet got kids but plans on it soon and maybe then things will change for the better x

If my sister laid hands on me like that it would be the last time.
Don't allow her to continue this behaviour at your expense.
Personally I wouldn't give a flying fuck what anyone else had to say, I would forget I had a sister.

Can't answer for OP @deliadel but it's really hard to live with your family's unjust demonisation of you. I know this from my own family. I could say ''ok, consider me paranoid then, consider me angry, consider me emotional, blame me for our rift'' but it feels so unfair and so uncomfortable. I feel like I want to avoid this (although that IS what they think). You have to sit wiht the uncomfortable thoughts they say, before they go away. I suppose freedom from the madness lies in there somewhere, sitting so long with the excrutiating discomfort of being blamed and shamed that it no longer has the same impact on you.

@Frigginintheriggin she said it was a joke. I’m aware it’s not acceptable behaviour. She hasn’t done this to anyone else though which is why it’s clear her behaviour only comes out like this in our relationship as sisters. I think my mum did call her out on it and they then argued for the rest of the day, with my sister slamming doors etc in the holiday apartment. We just kept a low profile then went off and had fun and was later told we just ‘took ourselves off’ any wonder!

It sounds like your dad is fairly passive and will back your mum up siding with your sister, so in your shoes, (and I kind of am, except, I handled everything WRONG) I wouldn't give your sister anything she react to disproportionately. Such a classic manipulative technique, but if you were to challenge her then she would be so hurt, so wounded, she'd martyr up, all of the focus would be how could you hurt her, and before her wedding! You're so callous.

For the time being, I'd grit you teeth and give the minimum so that nobody is asking you ''what's wrong?''.

Then after the wedding, fade away.

@Lurking9to5 this sounds like a good approach. I do feel a twinge of sad, because I want to genuinely be there and present. She is my sister. She just doesn’t respect me or see me as an equal in any capacity. I think I have been made to feel guilty about a lot though when it comes to her and I have to learn not to, and to have things on my terms.

If she was anyone but your sister you would not tolerate this behaviour. She sounds like an entitled jealous harpy. In your place I would be NC, and while I’m at it your mum needs to find her backbone and stop taking your sisters side in all this. I suspect it’s easier to agree with her than to disagree and be on the receiving end of her nastiness, but she is your mother as well.