Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To baptise only one child

102 replies

Wingingthis · 19/03/2022 08:22

A bit of background:
When DD1 was born I was fairly young (23) and suffered horrific PND. She had undiagnosed CMPA & tongue tie and I was at breaking point with no sleep and a constantly crying baby. I felt like I didn’t know how to look after her and didn’t trust my own judgement or decisions to do with her well-being/felt like I wasn’t good enough etc.

I was raised catholic (attended catholic school and went to church most Sunday’s) but from early teenage years was vocal about the fact I personally did not believe in it all, no disrespect to anyone but it was just my personal beliefs, this has not changed into my adult years.

My mum a few months after DD1 was born kept pushing the idea of me getting her baptised, and guilt tripped me with comments about it “protecting her” and getting her into a good school etc. Again no disrespect, if someone’s beliefs for their own child is that baptism protects them then I think this is lovely, it is just my opinion.
I agreed to baptise her at 10 months old, during the ceremony I felt uncomfortable repeating the words “I believe” or “we will” back to the priest about something I don’t believe. I felt like I shouldn’t have been doing it and that it wasn’t fair on the church community.

I now have a second DD who will soon be turning 2, the pandemic has meant I haven’t baptised her but now my mum is raising the issue again. I’m also expecting our 3rd & final child later this year.

Would it be unfair to not baptise my second two children?

My mum is saying I have to give all my children the same treatment, opportunities and for them not to feel left out. Of course I agree with this, but my first DD attends a non religious school which I adore and in all other aspects of life I obviously treat my children completely equally and adore them all the same.

She’s making me feel incredibly guilty. Please help with opinions!

OP posts:
LubaLuca · 19/03/2022 08:25

They're not going to benefit from any advantage by being baptised, so there's no worries about fairness. They can get baptised later on in life if they want to.

Donra · 19/03/2022 08:25

Have you thought about schooling? Will the younger two need to be baptised to get into the Catholic school?

Original poster
Wingingthis · 19/03/2022 08:27

@Donra sorry if I wasn’t clear, the post was much longer than I expected 😂 my DD1 attends a brilliant non religious school so it won’t effect schooling, for primary school anyway

OP posts:
LubaLuca · 19/03/2022 08:27

Ah, that's an advantage I hadn't considered. Yes to getting them baptised if it will give them a better chance of getting in your local school.

Chasingsquirrels · 19/03/2022 08:28

My older brother is christened, because similarly my mum was young, first child and was pressured my her MIL.

I am 4 years younger and wasn't christened, because by them my mum was that bit older and did what she wanted.

Neither my mum or dad is at all religious.

Of course your 2nd child won't miss out, you are giving them choices - to make their own free decision when they have the capacity to do so.

I personally am happy with the fact that I wasn't christened.

SarahProblem · 19/03/2022 08:28

Tell your DM to mind her own business.

girlmom21 · 19/03/2022 08:28

Don't get them baptised because your first child is. You know you don't want to and you're older and wiser now. Don't be bullied into it.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/03/2022 08:30

You're an adult. Tell your mother no and that this conversation is now officially closed.

AnnoyedByAlfieBear · 19/03/2022 08:32

I was christened Catholic butter you get sister isn't. None of us are religious but my sister sometimes half heartedly / jokingly moans that I got christening gifts and she didn't. Occasionally I get more (eg: driving lessons / birthday) from my Godfather (who is religious) which I try to keep from her to stop jealousy.

MiddleParking · 19/03/2022 08:33

Baptism alone isn’t usually enough for catholic school. It’s generally baptism and church attendance. So I don’t think you’d be denying the younger ones any advantage the older one would get anyway. I think YANBU at all not to baptise them if you don’t want to.

Porcupineintherough · 19/03/2022 08:33

It's quite rare for baptism alone to be enough "proof of faith" to get your child into a sought after Catholic school, usually they are looking for religious observance also. So I wouldnt carry on baptising your children for that reason alone.

GeneLovesJezebel · 19/03/2022 08:36

In my closest Catholic and C of E school only baptism is needed, no proof of church attendance.

BuanoKubiamVej · 19/03/2022 08:40

Yanbu. I do have a Christian faith myself and I would have no problem with you choosing to have your other kids baptised if that was your wish, but it should never be something that you are pressured in to. Your mum is wrong to be guilt-tripping you. The schools argument could have been valid if you had happened to live somewhere where the only acceptable school had a selection policy that favours the baptised, but you don't, and all your kids can go to the same school that you are already happy with. There's no other secular benefit. If your children happen to come to faith for themselves later in their life they can get baptised then. The Lord won't mind.

Liverbird77 · 19/03/2022 08:42

Totally up to you.
Personally, I would rather pay for private school than send them to a faith school. I hate them. That's just my opinion though. If you want to send them to an RC school then they'll usually have a much greater chance to admission if they are baptised.

YeahNahWhal · 19/03/2022 08:42

I'm very jealous of people who are able to baptise their kids Catholic, because the cheap school fees for high school are such a huge birth advantage. In Australia, our school system is probably very different to yours. But gee, as I look at local government schools and eye-watering private schools, I wish I could tap into more schooling options for my pair.

Nodancingshoes · 19/03/2022 08:43

I didn't. Ds1 is baptised but we suffered a major family bereavement just before we were due to arrange DS2's baptism and it never actually got organised! I don't think it matters if you are not wanting to be a part of the church which I am not....

SpaceshipDay · 19/03/2022 08:45

I baptised my first child under pressure from family, but decided not to baptise my second child. They don’t attend RC schools, so it has no impact on them at all. They are teens now and couldn’t give a fig.

girlmom21 · 19/03/2022 09:10

I went to a C of E school and you didn't need to be baptised (I'm not). Round here it's only the RC schools that would prefer it but even then it's not essential - you're just really far down the priority list. Although they are also the best rated schools so I do see why people do get children baptised (although I think it's a bit shit if you're not actually practising the religion)

blubberball · 19/03/2022 09:12

We had a christening for my first ds, because I was 23 and just thought it was the done thing tbh. We never went to church or anything, but it just kind of felt expected for some reason. When I had my second ds, we didn't get him Christened, because I kind of came to my senses and realised that it didn't matter or mean anything to me, and I was definitely atheist by this point. We had a Naming day instead, and the family came to a garden party with cake etc. It was quite nice

DuckyNoMates · 19/03/2022 09:13

I wouldn't. It won't mean anything to the kids and if it does when they are older they can get baptised

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet · 19/03/2022 09:14

If your mum hadn't mentioned it, would you have considered it - you and your partner as I assume their opinion is being factored in?

Your answer will tell you all you need to know.

Original poster
Wingingthis · 19/03/2022 09:14

@blubberball a naming day sounds lovely! We considered this for DD2 but she was born during the first lockdown in 2020 and now feel like she’s too old for this :(
I might just have a big celebration for her 2nd birthday!

OP posts:
Boofay · 19/03/2022 09:15

I have four kids. Only my eldest is Christened because, like others, I was young and thought it was the right thing to do. By the time I had my second I was not religious and felt that it didn't matter, despite my dad pressuring me to get her christened.
When I had my third and fourth I didn't even consider it. It's just religious mumbo jumbo if you have no faith.

Winday · 19/03/2022 09:16

You'd only be doing it to placate your mother, I wouldn't.

Original poster
Wingingthis · 19/03/2022 09:17

@MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet my partner has the same opinion as me, other than schooling we can’t see how it could disadvantage our younger children in anyway. And now that DD1 is in her brilliant non religious school, our other children will attend there too unless for some reason they didn’t get in!
I probably would have considered it because I thought it was just what you do when you had a baby, but I wouldn’t have actually followed through.

OP posts: