To baptise only one child

[Wingingthis]

A bit of background:
When DD1 was born I was fairly young (23) and suffered horrific PND. She had undiagnosed CMPA & tongue tie and I was at breaking point with no sleep and a constantly crying baby. I felt like I didn’t know how to look after her and didn’t trust my own judgement or decisions to do with her well-being/felt like I wasn’t good enough etc.

I was raised catholic (attended catholic school and went to church most Sunday’s) but from early teenage years was vocal about the fact I personally did not believe in it all, no disrespect to anyone but it was just my personal beliefs, this has not changed into my adult years.

My mum a few months after DD1 was born kept pushing the idea of me getting her baptised, and guilt tripped me with comments about it “protecting her” and getting her into a good school etc. Again no disrespect, if someone’s beliefs for their own child is that baptism protects them then I think this is lovely, it is just my opinion.
I agreed to baptise her at 10 months old, during the ceremony I felt uncomfortable repeating the words “I believe” or “we will” back to the priest about something I don’t believe. I felt like I shouldn’t have been doing it and that it wasn’t fair on the church community.

I now have a second DD who will soon be turning 2, the pandemic has meant I haven’t baptised her but now my mum is raising the issue again. I’m also expecting our 3rd & final child later this year.

Would it be unfair to not baptise my second two children?

My mum is saying I have to give all my children the same treatment, opportunities and for them not to feel left out. Of course I agree with this, but my first DD attends a non religious school which I adore and in all other aspects of life I obviously treat my children completely equally and adore them all the same.

She’s making me feel incredibly guilty. Please help with opinions!

I only did one of my children as I never got around to it for the second child.

I grew up with agnostic parents, though there was a tradition for christenings, still. DB and I were both christened. My DB and I haven't christened our kids, and they all went to ND-State schools. I'm a due-gard atheist, my DB is agnostic. If you're not too bothered by religion, don't get your other children christened. If they want to follow the Catholic faith, let it be their decision.

My first is and my second isn't.

Similar reasons. I was much younger when my first was born was Influence by my very religious mum. When the second was born I was much more sure of myself and didn't want to do it and had distance myself from the religion alot more. Mum had also comes to accept her religion wasn't mine.

Never been an issue.

As a Christian, I find it rather shocking that many PPs seem to regard baptism as a casual option to facilitate school entry, with no other consideration.
It is actually a solemn religious rite in which you, as the parent, along with the congregation, undertake a vow in the presence of God, to raise your child as a Christian, developing their faith and teaching them the tenets of their religion, until they are old enough to choose for themselves whether to be confirmed.
If you are an atheist, you really should not be planning to brazenly lie to God and everyone at the ceremony, for personal gain, school entry or photo opportunities. There are plenty of humanist naming ceremonies or family parties you could select as more appropriate options.

Atheists aren’t lying to god though. The only thing immoral is a system that decides adult religious belief should be allowed to restrict a child’s access to education.

My mum was similarly manipulated into getting me baptised against her wishes as a young, vulnerable parent.

My sister was not baptised,

Catholic schools are not particularly healthy environments.

Of course you can ignore your mothers superstitious wishes.

@Babdoc

As a Christian, I find it rather shocking that many PPs seem to regard baptism as a casual option to facilitate school entry, with no other consideration. It is actually a solemn religious rite in which you, as the parent, along with the congregation, undertake a vow in the presence of God, to raise your child as a Christian, developing their faith and teaching them the tenets of their religion, until they are old enough to choose for themselves whether to be confirmed. If you are an atheist, you really should not be planning to brazenly lie to God and everyone at the ceremony, for personal gain, school entry or photo opportunities. There are plenty of humanist naming ceremonies or family parties you could select as more appropriate options.

That’s your view, but it’s pretty sanctimonious.

I’m from an Irish family. Our people are ‘culturally Catholic’ - the majority are baptised and raised Catholic regardless of beliefs. I can assure you that a good proportion of people living in predominantly Catholic countries or from those cultures are going through with these rites because it is what is done, not because of faith or belief. That’s just the reality of the world we live in.

I was under pressure to follow ‘the done thing’ with my first child, and it was only when pregnant with my second that I decided it was BS and I wasn’t going to buy into it.

I don’t think that’s too hard to understand.

I'm baptised, my sister wasn't. It had absolutely no effect on our lives, and she definitely didn't feel left out. I fully respect people who find this important, but as I'm not religious it did not seem appropriate to have our own children baptised. It's always an option to do it later in life when they make their own choice.

My eldest DS was christened (not really religious but I was young and it seemed like the done thing). My relationship broke down shortly after having DS2 so never got round to having him christened. I didn't think it mattered, but it was was award trying to explain to him when he get older and asked about it. He's 21 now and still holds it against me in a lighthearted 'you love him more than you love me' sibling rivalry type way!

@Babdoc atheists don't lie to God, they don't believe in God, that's kind of the point. They are happy to dissemble to circumnavigate what they see as an unfair and discriminatory education system that gives preferential access to state schooling to those of particular faiths.

I am in a similar position because I was heavily persuaded by my DH and inlaws to baptise my first catholic. I thought it would lead to her having a better relationship with her grandparents, and i wanted to please them. Years later, it hasnt worked out that way, i am always told how i am not christian, and therefore morally inferior, whereas SIlL who has done everything non-catholic (kids before marriage, getting pregnant deliberately with a new boyfriend who wasn’t ready), which I dont judge, because it is completely fine, but she is praised for being a good catholic because she goes to church, and this the moral goalposts are moved. I was criticised, borderline-bullied, for not reading catholic newspapers, and other tiny things, like believing that everything is really fact. And the other grandkids are favoured anyway and mine criticised to the point of an inferiority complex for them. So i have said F* it, i and the second isnt baptised, and probably wont be. I refuse to please anymore, the kids have freedom of religion and can do what they want later on.
Hope this confession helps you. I went through some really hard years and cried after every meeting, until I went almost non-contact, contact is via DH, and all of a sudden the respect returned and the bullying stopped.

*to baptise my first baby as a catholic.

You can be baptised at any age, I was 40! I let my kids decide and one was baptised at 11, the other is planning a n being baptised at 21. C of E if that makes a difference. The oldest person I know to be baptised was 86!

By the way the Church of England offers a naming ceremony as an option, perhaps the Catholics do to. It's just asking for prayers but no actual baptism, quite popular here

I don't agree with baptising babies. They should be allowed to make up their own mind about religion when they're older and your reaction the first time means you should trust your instincts with the other two.

@Babdoc

As a Christian, I find it rather shocking that many PPs seem to regard baptism as a casual option to facilitate school entry, with no other consideration. It is actually a solemn religious rite in which you, as the parent, along with the congregation, undertake a vow in the presence of God, to raise your child as a Christian, developing their faith and teaching them the tenets of their religion, until they are old enough to choose for themselves whether to be confirmed. If you are an atheist, you really should not be planning to brazenly lie to God and everyone at the ceremony, for personal gain, school entry or photo opportunities. There are plenty of humanist naming ceremonies or family parties you could select as more appropriate options.

Choose for themselves to be confirmed? We were forced to be confirmed as that was the done thing. As a child we were not given the option to choose.

How about waiting until a child is older before forcing a belief system on them? Indoctrination is disgusting

Stop getting bullied by your mum.

Just say no to her. Nothing bad happens. They get a bit whiny but they usually realise they're being unreasonable. Or they never come back, which brings its own benefits.

You're a grown adult, you don't have to do what your mum says anymore.

I’d do it in case they are religious later in life. I was baptised as an adult and it was really annoying, I really wished my parents had done it when I was a baby.

@deadlanguage

I’d do it in case they are religious later in life. I was baptised as an adult and it was really annoying, I really wished my parents had done it when I was a baby.

But what if they choose to follow a different religion in adulthood?

I've got one baptised due to pressure from family. Refused to do it with no.2!

Catholic here. If you don’t believe, don’t do it.

You don't believe in it, so it's meaningless. Your mum shouldn't want you to go to church and lie. However, as it's meaningless I'd also say it's not that important either way.

My older sister was baptised for similar reasons to yours - parental pressure. When I came along Mum wasn't as easily pushed around so I wasn't baptised. It never made a scrap of difference to me or my sister. You do what suits you, OP.

I'm Catholic. Baptism is a really precious Sacrament and like all sacraments in church, aren't something that someone enters into lightly. The promises are made to raise that child in the faith and usually there's preparation sessions for the parent/s beforehand to establish that it's well meant and not just a token thing (we're not stupid, we know a lot of people want to score it for the schools but what can we do?!). I know it means a lot to your mum but if it's not something you're committed to or even want.. then what's the point?

I was christened and my younger sister wasn't. Neither of us have ever cared about this. I think there was one occasion in the whole of our childhood when my godmother (who was also a great-aunt) sent me a present and my sister was miffed. Otherwise it has had no effect on us - neither of us are church-goers now.