To baptise only one child

[Wingingthis]

A bit of background:
When DD1 was born I was fairly young (23) and suffered horrific PND. She had undiagnosed CMPA & tongue tie and I was at breaking point with no sleep and a constantly crying baby. I felt like I didn’t know how to look after her and didn’t trust my own judgement or decisions to do with her well-being/felt like I wasn’t good enough etc.

I was raised catholic (attended catholic school and went to church most Sunday’s) but from early teenage years was vocal about the fact I personally did not believe in it all, no disrespect to anyone but it was just my personal beliefs, this has not changed into my adult years.

My mum a few months after DD1 was born kept pushing the idea of me getting her baptised, and guilt tripped me with comments about it “protecting her” and getting her into a good school etc. Again no disrespect, if someone’s beliefs for their own child is that baptism protects them then I think this is lovely, it is just my opinion.
I agreed to baptise her at 10 months old, during the ceremony I felt uncomfortable repeating the words “I believe” or “we will” back to the priest about something I don’t believe. I felt like I shouldn’t have been doing it and that it wasn’t fair on the church community.

I now have a second DD who will soon be turning 2, the pandemic has meant I haven’t baptised her but now my mum is raising the issue again. I’m also expecting our 3rd & final child later this year.

Would it be unfair to not baptise my second two children?

My mum is saying I have to give all my children the same treatment, opportunities and for them not to feel left out. Of course I agree with this, but my first DD attends a non religious school which I adore and in all other aspects of life I obviously treat my children completely equally and adore them all the same.

She’s making me feel incredibly guilty. Please help with opinions!

Religion is, or at least should be, a personal choice, and not forced babies who are unable to have a say in the matter.

I’m also mindful of the fact that churches use their ‘member’ numbers as a way to argue for political influence, and I wouldn’t particularly want to add to that.

It's not your mum's decision. If you are not church goers there is no reason to christen your children. They can do it themselves when they are older. My children have nit been christened and it has had no impact at all on their lives.

@DuckyNoMates I didn’t have any problem with my confirmation and first communion as an adult but physically it’s much easier to baptise a baby than an adult! Baby = dribble water on their head while adult holds them. Adult = tip water over their head while they stand there, or dunk them in a pool. Either way you get much more wet as an adult!

@girlmom21 being baptised won’t make it any harder for them if they want to be any other religion (or atheist), but it will make it easier if they want to be Christian.

@deadlanguage it won't make it any easier for them to be Christian. Churches welcome everyone.

At baptism you are making promises to bring a child up in the faith. So, a simple answer you could consider giving your parents or anyone who asks, is, we could see that we weren't keeping those promises for number 1, so it didn't feel appropriate to pretend otherwise for the younger ones.

That is, of course, going on the assumption that you are not church-goers. If you are attending but uncertain, and hesitate about baptism as a result, I would talk to a priest/minister about the whole situation and see what you think after hearing their advice.

By the way, I also strongly agree with the poster who mentioned that confirmation should always be about a child / teenager / adult choosing for themselves. For various reasons I (CofE) was 15 or 16 before I was confirmed, despite being a regular churchgoer. My own children were confirmed rather early, age 11 and 12, but they were in a position to be making that choice having been choristers for a few years already at that point. And in both cases it did represent a choice as it wasn't automatic that all the choristers were confirmed, either.

@girlmom21 well yes but it takes the faff of adult baptism off them. I was relating my experience that it was annoying to be baptised as an adult and would have been more convenient for me if I’d had it done as a child. And if I’d not become Christian as an adult, having been baptised as a baby would not have been to my detriment in any way.

DT’s aren’t baptised - why would we support a religion we don’t believe in. They are now 22 and don’t follow any religion. Much better to leave it for them to decide when they are adults.

‘well yes but it takes the faff of adult baptism off them. I was relating my experience that it was annoying to be baptised as an adult and would have been more convenient for me if I’d had it done as a child. And if I’d not become Christian as an adult, having been baptised as a baby would not have been to my detriment in any way.‘

That totally discounts the issue of consent though, doesn’t it? An adult can choose, a child cannot.

Tell her no. It's none of her business.

OP, your kids, your decision - when they are adults they can make their own choices.

If you believe it is all meaningless but don't want to stand there saying stuff you don't mean - would you object to your Mum having them baptized without being involved yourself? If your feelings are, "whatever, just bring them back in one piece by 5pm" that's one thing, if your gut response is, "absolutely not", then that's another. Considering which it is might help you decide how to go here.

FWIW I was never christened or baptized, and so couldn't be a godparent to any of the nephews and nieces, but I thought that as someone who was certainly an adult role model, I should set a good example by not telling porkies needlessly (which being a godparent would definitely have required).

[quote deadlanguage]@girlmom21 well yes but it takes the faff of adult baptism off them. I was relating my experience that it was annoying to be baptised as an adult and would have been more convenient for me if I’d had it done as a child. And if I’d not become Christian as an adult, having been baptised as a baby would not have been to my detriment in any way.[/quote]
So we should baptise babies even if we're not religious because it's a bit annoying for a whole 5 minutes if you choose to do it yourself as an adult?

Do you understand you don't have to be baptised to attend church or believe in God or follow the Christian faith? I really don't understand.

You need to be firm with your DM and explain exactly why your DC won't be Baptised. As a practicing Catholic it will be unsettling for your DM not to have her grandchildren baptised, but it's not her decision. Has she raised possibility your DDs First Communion yet? You need to be firm that you're not a practicing Catholic and your and your DH don't want your DC baptised.

The whole treating all DC the same is an odd one for me. I have several siblings and we didn't all have the same; we had different things depending on our needs and what our parents were able to provide for us.

One of the people I asked to be godfather to my child stunned me by saying he wasn't baptised. I didn't believe him, so checked with his DM - apparently he'd had chicken pox when the date had been set, and it was never rearranged, so although his older siblings were baptised he never was. He seems to have done OK in life despite this

I would be annoyed if I was your oldest daughter that I was forced in to a religion and my younger ones hadn’t.

So we should baptise babies even if we're not religious because it's a bit annoying for a whole 5 minutes if you choose to do it yourself as an adult?

^and this.

Hell, might as well initiate them in all religions if that’s the case. There’s quite a few though, so it may take a while.

@girlmom21 of course I know that, I went to church for several years before I was able to get round to being baptised. But there’s absolutely no harm in doing it to a baby and arguments like ‘what if they don’t want to be Christian later’ make no sense as being baptised won’t stop them from choosing any other religion (or none) in any way.

My brother was baptised and I wasn't (it was my dad who wanted the baptism but by the time I was born, marriage was on the rocks and he was not so involved with me). We were not raised to be religious at all, and I've never felt left out because of it. Only issue it's ever raised is when my brother had kids and asked me to be godparent to his first DS - turns out you can't do that if you're not baptised.

Ask her why she is asking you to lie to the priest and how making fake promises would please her god.
Tell her you'll happily ask the priest for their opinion on it. 😁

[quote deadlanguage]@girlmom21 of course I know that, I went to church for several years before I was able to get round to being baptised. But there’s absolutely no harm in doing it to a baby and arguments like ‘what if they don’t want to be Christian later’ make no sense as being baptised won’t stop them from choosing any other religion (or none) in any way.[/quote]
So you'd rather people stand in church and promise to bring their child up in God's house, believing, attending services etc when they have absolutely no intention of doing so than an adult be baptised when they understand and believe what they're saying and doing?

Why do you want people to get baby's christened and stand in church and blatantly lie? I really don't understand.
Is it because people donate more to the church when christening children? That's the only logic I can see here.

But there’s absolutely no harm in doing it to a baby and arguments like ‘what if they don’t want to be Christian later’ make no sense as being baptised won’t stop them from choosing any other religion (or none) in any way

Not being baptized won’t stop them either, so why not wait until they can make their own mind up?

And it can cause harm. A lot of people have moral issues with religion, and would really resent having it forced on them as a child that couldn’t consent. A lot of denominations make it very difficult for people to deregister later on. On a wider level, for institutions that purport to concern themselves with the spiritual, churches generally have a very worldly interest in keeping their numbers up. More registered followers equals more grounds for establishing political interest.

As someone else pointed out, why just Christian? Why not hedge your bets and just initiate them into all of them? After all, you never know what the kid will choose later. You can even make an event out of it, dedicate them to god one day and chuck ‘em in Odin’s direction the next.

@girlmom21 I think people can do whatever they want, as long as they don’t justify it with anything about what the baby would want when whichever choice they make it pushes the parent’s view on them. OP said she is not comfortable saying those words which is fair enough as long as she owns that reasoning for the decision (which it sounds like she is, the real issue is standing up to her mum). What I think is stupid is all the people saying not to do it in case the baby doesn’t want to be Christian, because you don’t know what they will want.

The ‘will they feel left out’ question is interesting because I actually did feel left out at primary school (secular school, early 2000s) that my friends had been christened and I hadn’t, but it was one of many things (they had the same hair colour and I had a different one, they had middle names and I didn’t, they had the same doll and I had a different one) and schools are more diverse now 20 years on. Between siblings I doubt it would be an issue so I wouldn’t worry about that point OP.

@whumpthereitis I resented having my parents’ atheism pushed on me, whatever you choose you are pushing your child one way or another, it’s just the nature of parenting. My parents even sent me to a worse primary school because they didn’t want me going to the CofE one even though it was a better school, and when I started going to church I felt I had to hide that from them. So opposition to religion can cause harm too. It’s important to stay open minded.

[quote deadlanguage]@whumpthereitis I resented having my parents’ atheism pushed on me, whatever you choose you are pushing your child one way or another, it’s just the nature of parenting. My parents even sent me to a worse primary school because they didn’t want me going to the CofE one even though it was a better school, and when I started going to church I felt I had to hide that from them. So opposition to religion can cause harm too. It’s important to stay open minded.[/quote]
Not having a child baptized is not pushing atheism on them. That’s where understanding nuance comes in hand. Not baptizing is respecting the fact that religion is a deeply personal choice, one that should be made by a cognizant individual, not an infant.

Incidentally, there are Christian denominations that recognize that fact too, that wont Baptist babies.

I’ve no problem with being open minded. It’s not closed minded to think that not committing a newborn to a religion they have no concept of is morally dubious at best.

Frankly, so you believe in God and want to raise them in the faith? Surely that's the only reason to baptise/christen a child.
I don't so it's never crossed my mind.

I'm a Christian and I say don't do it. My friend had her first son circumcised but then chose not to do it with her others. Nothing will happen! If they later decide they have a faith then they can be baptised at that point. God doesn't mind when you do it

I think people can do whatever they want, as long as they don’t justify it with anything about what the baby would want when whichever choice they make it pushes the parent’s view on them.

I resented having my parents’ atheism pushed on me, whatever you choose you are pushing your child one way or another, it’s just the nature of parenting.

Why was it not okay for your parents to push their atheism on you but it's fine, even recommended, for Catholic parents to push their religion on their children?