To baptise only one child

[Wingingthis]

A bit of background:
When DD1 was born I was fairly young (23) and suffered horrific PND. She had undiagnosed CMPA & tongue tie and I was at breaking point with no sleep and a constantly crying baby. I felt like I didn’t know how to look after her and didn’t trust my own judgement or decisions to do with her well-being/felt like I wasn’t good enough etc.

I was raised catholic (attended catholic school and went to church most Sunday’s) but from early teenage years was vocal about the fact I personally did not believe in it all, no disrespect to anyone but it was just my personal beliefs, this has not changed into my adult years.

My mum a few months after DD1 was born kept pushing the idea of me getting her baptised, and guilt tripped me with comments about it “protecting her” and getting her into a good school etc. Again no disrespect, if someone’s beliefs for their own child is that baptism protects them then I think this is lovely, it is just my opinion.
I agreed to baptise her at 10 months old, during the ceremony I felt uncomfortable repeating the words “I believe” or “we will” back to the priest about something I don’t believe. I felt like I shouldn’t have been doing it and that it wasn’t fair on the church community.

I now have a second DD who will soon be turning 2, the pandemic has meant I haven’t baptised her but now my mum is raising the issue again. I’m also expecting our 3rd & final child later this year.

Would it be unfair to not baptise my second two children?

My mum is saying I have to give all my children the same treatment, opportunities and for them not to feel left out. Of course I agree with this, but my first DD attends a non religious school which I adore and in all other aspects of life I obviously treat my children completely equally and adore them all the same.

She’s making me feel incredibly guilty. Please help with opinions!

To clarify: I think it's unfair of your mum to put pressure on you to make promises that you don't believe in. You've changed since your traumatic first birth. It doesn't change your actual, real love for any of your children, it's not as if you're taking your baptised first child to church but binning off the rest! If they care, or think it's unfair, or want Baptism when they're older, then they'll be welcomed with open arms. You're the parent now, not your mum.

@deadlanguage I'm curious about your comment.

What was annoying about doing it as an adult? Surely if you chose to be baptised as an adult you'd do so because you want to and it is meaningful to you - so why would that be annoying?

I am baptised a Catholic by a mother who also didn't believe in God or religion, but it was the done thing in the 60's. I therefore have not baptised my kids, although they did go to a private Catholic school, just because it was a nice school! They came out thinking the whole thing is a load of BS as well.

I also had to get "permission" from the Catholic church to marry in a CofE church, how ridiculous is that. And yes, I only got married there because DH's parents were religious, and his godfather a bishop. I had to promise I would bring up my children in the CodE religion. They whole thing is ridiculous. If I am wrong and hell exists, I am surely destined for it for all these broken promises.

Practising Catholic here. First were baptised because of gentle parental pressure, next when she was old enough to want to. They’ve all also had FHC and confirmation and bar first 2 years of primary, none of them went to Catholic School.
2/3 are still Christian, only one Catholic, the one who chose. It really doesn’t matter. 💁🏻‍♀️

@deadlanguage

I’d do it in case they are religious later in life. I was baptised as an adult and it was really annoying, I really wished my parents had done it when I was a baby.

Why was it annoying to confirm your faith?

My first 3 were christened, CofE. All together at the same time. My eldest DD was at a church school and wanted to get Christened. So we thought we'd do a job lot. My youngest 2 are not christened and I don't think they will be. No drama

You don't need to give all your children the same treatment. That's a bit coercive of your mum, if you feel it was a mistake the first time then you shouldn't have to repeat that mistake just to make it fair! That would be like if you realised you'd sent one child to a crap nursery but then sent all the other children as well. The whole point of making mistakes is to learn from them, not to repeat them!

I wish there was some sort of a ceremony that you could have to make sure your dc didn't have to go to a Catholic school.

Being baptised won’t just help them get into Catholic schools it will help them get into all religious schools. Two of the best local schools are Hindu and Islamic and both give preference to ‘religious’ children (for Christians that means baptised) than children without a religion.

What about secondary? Will your first child have more options than her younger siblings?

Baptism is an introduction to faith; confirmation is the child or young adult's acceptance of that faith.

How can a child or young person decide whether they believe if they never experience what faith is?

Would you accept someone saying they didn't like Chinese food if they had never tried it?

@RosesAndHellebores

Baptism is an introduction to faith; confirmation is the child or young adult's acceptance of that faith.

How can a child or young person decide whether they believe if they never experience what faith is?

Would you accept someone saying they didn't like Chinese food if they had never tried it?

Religion isn't a case of liking or not liking something. That's a strange comparison.

I don't practise religion. I never have. I know things about Christianity, Sikhism, Judaism, Islam and Hinduism. I learnt about them and school. I have friends and family who follow those religions. I know I don't have any of those faiths without going to a Mosque, Synagogue or Gurdwara. I've been to plenty of churches in my life. It doesn't make a difference.

Not having tried following a religion doesn't mean you don't get to say you're not religious.

Just to add, an 'introduction to faith' at 3 or 6 months and then never attending a church again isn't much of an introduction.

Baptist your second and third child to be fair and avoid questions later on. My much older siblings were baptized as Catholic; I was baptized Episcopalian.

Neither of mine are baptised despite considerable pressure and guilt tripping from DP's mother - along the lines of she was lying awake every night worrying what would happen to their souls if they were to die....

There were some local excellent private schools which happened to be catholic. Neither of them had any objection to accepting my money to educate my unbaptised children and there was no pressure to get them "done". I particularly wanted single sex schools so my options were somewhat limited.

As it happened we moved and they both finished up in secular private schools.

Both DC are still unbaptised despite being adult and able to make the decision for themselves.

We're in a similar boat. I'm standing my ground this time and not having my second baptised. Wish I hadn't been pressured to do it the first time!

I think your mum's right, yabu.

If you decide not to go ahead, would your DM still treat all your children fairly? Would, for example, she only buy the baptised child a gift at Easter because they are “of the faith” and the others are not?
Not a reason to sway your decision, but something to be mindful of that might be upsetting for your children.

Similarly, how involved are DD1's Godparents? Would your younger children miss out by not having adults with an equivalent relationship in their lives?

Separately, is there any likelihood of DM trying to pressurise DD1 into becoming confirmed?

Notify the bishop of your diocese in writing that your first child is no longer a member of the church. Then they are all the same.
If your mother is worried about their souls, as a Catholic she is permitted to baptise them herself, it counts.

@MadameDragon

Notify the bishop of your diocese in writing that your first child is no longer a member of the church. Then they are all the same. If your mother is worried about their souls, as a Catholic she is permitted to baptise them herself, it counts.

Is she? I'd be livid if my mum did that.

Stick to your guns OP - don't give in to that Catholic guilt

I was brought up the same but was adamant from the get go that my children would not be. My mum was fine but other family members were a pain, mostly passive aggressive digs. Don't explain yourself, don't engage in a conversation about it. Point blank say no you're not doing it and move the conversation on. They get over it eventually!

I wouldn’t worry about it. One of mine is baptised as we lived on the same road as the. Catholic school but moved before they started so didn’t bother with the second. It does mean he is the only one of the 4 of us who hasn’t been baptised but as a young adult now he really doesn’t care and I think would rather not be.

OP my story is practically the same except I got 2 daughters baptised. Then by child number 3 I put my foot down and said how pointless it was. There was a bit of a fall out with older family members but they got over it eventually. Now it is mentioned only very occasionally in a wistful way, sort of "if only the children knew what religion is" . Ive got used to ignoring it and it's honestly like a weight off my shoulders not having to discuss religion anymore!

Im convinced that one of my family members may have, in desperation to save my children's souls, tried this with a bit of holy water.
I honestly don't give it any thought as it's just nonsense and won't change anything, but can understand that it might anger you if family members go against your wishes.

OP, your child, your choice - and don't let anyone tell you any different.