Shouting at my toddler in public

[Belle82]

I’m sorry to post this on AIBU, I was hoping for a bit more traction, I have turned off the voting because I know I have been completely unreasonable.

Today has been a really awful day.

It was my little girl’s birthday yesterday and we had family around, my husband and I were going to take her out but he was in a bad mood this morning, I have no idea why (still is) but he was sulking upstairs.

So I took her out to McDonald’s, the playground, the shops to get some fun stuff with birthday money & softplay (all in the same town).

I lost my license because of my epilepsy so I get a bit worked up when I have to run us both to the bus to get home as there is only 1 every 80 minutes or so.

Anyway I am holding my little girl’s hand to rush her along to the bus (after softplay) she tripped up and banged her knee, I hugged her but then went back to trying to rush her. She sits /lies down on the floor and she’s too heavy to carry (I tried 4 times) while pushing a pram (son was born 3 months ago). But I started shouting at her and crying because the bus was going in 5 minutes (a usual 5 minute walk had taken 20+minutes - which is why we didn’t leave earlier)

I must have looked a right mess, two dads stopped to ask if I needed help (which I kindly declined) but they must have thought I was a terrible mum. To be honest this isn’t my concern, it’s how I must have made my little girl feel.
She fell asleep on my lap on the bus, which meant the whole thing was because she was so tired and I was a horrible shitty mum to her. 😔
There were a few tantrums that day and I do try to stick to the positive parenting steps but then I eventually get to boiling point 😔

I am suffering with PND, going on AD’s soon and I’m in therapy.
But I keep relieving it in my mind and feeling sick with the way I handled it. I have already apologised to her but I just want to hold her and never let go.

If anyone has any tips of how they stay calm with a baby & a toddler please share them?
I know headspace & calm are great but I can not afford them, does anyone have any free resources similar this?

You feel terribly guilty about it, so you'll be fine. Next time you feel at the end of your tether, remember this feeling, bite your tongue and let it pass. After a bit of practice, you'll hold your patience.

Horrible shitty mums don't torture themselves with guilt and self-flagellate on aibu.

I've never said it on here but your husband is a prick. His daughter's birthday, you with pnd, no licence and trying to manage 2 kids with a limited bus service and he left you to it? Hes an absolute shit.

You did all above for your dd to have a good birthday, you had a couple of mins to make a us or wait around another 80 mins, you gave out to her, you're normal. You sound like a brilliant mam purely for what you did to make sure you daughter had a good day and she had a good day with all you did, you giving out to her is gone, don't punish yourself anymore xxx

I have no advice but solidarity. Mine are a similar age and I'm a lone parent and it's hard not to get irritated when the toddler dicks around or tries to hurt the baby.

Agree your guilt is a sign you're going to keep working on it not happening again. Which doesn't mean it won't, because you're human, but you will keep working.

Also agree your DH is a belle d for not helping.

Two things. It sounds like you did too much. You've got a new tiny baby plus a 2? year old. Shopping, park, soft play, Macdonalds. Two of those would have been plenty. Instead she got overtired, you got tired and stressed and it blew up. You were trying to be awesome, but cut yourself some slack.

Secondly, can you afford to keep one lot of taxi money hidden in your purse? Is baby in a car seat or basinnet style? Some taxis will actually let you put the pram in UP and you just lock it, or may have car seats. If buses are that rare and you're DH wouldn't come and get you, you need a back up plan.

I don’t have any tips for keeping your cool with a toddler, mine just lessened over time once I figured out shouting rarely works with them. Fwiw, you don’t sound like a horrible shitty mum, you sound like a mother who’s shattered, struggling with some mh stuff yet pulling out all the stops to give your dd a lovely day. To quote Elsa, let it go!

There are free meditations and hypnotherapy on YouTube. Distraction works well, bribery and laughing can work too. Alternatively, joining in with the tantrum can often help!

Mainly though, you have to forgive yourself. You’ve apologised to her, beating yourself up for something that has already been and gone isn’t fair to yourself. We all make mistakes or lose our cool and sometimes I actually think it’s beneficial for kids to see it (within reason I suppose!).

Tomorrow is another day, you can make it what you want it to be.

Also could you get a buggy board if you don't use a double buggy?

Would a baby carrier help? Put the little one in a carrier and the big one in the pram to run for busses?

I also think you overdid it and tried to hard to have the best day. My youngest was born in lockdown as I was so grateful of the forced relaxing, I would have been a mess rushing around with 2 little ones all the time!

What a stressful situation - I'm not surprised you lost it a bit. I used not to drive, and we often went for a day out to a town with a similar bus service. We had a couple of times when teddy/a shoe got left somewhere - we made it to the bus on one of those occasions, and had a long wait on the other. If we'd had a car, I would definitely have expected my husband to come and pick us up.

I expect those dads, and anyone else who saw you, will have been thinking "things are obviously conspiring against her today", not "she must be a rubbish mum". Most people will remember the struggles of toddler parenthood and sympathise. I bet if you'd said "I'm trying to get to the bus which goes in 5 minutes", they'd have pushed the pram so you could carry your daughter.

I'm glad you made it to the bus in time, and relax - it's not the end of the world if you occasionally get cross. I bet your daughter had a lovely day.

Most of us know that feeling OP. If you remember this feeling, hopefully you can modify your reactions in future.
I'm concerned why your husband missed his daughter's birthday because he was in a bad mood. And left it all to you. I find that worrying.

Part of relationships is understanding that you can repair 'damage '. By repairing this with your daughter she will.. understand that people can be angry and upset and shouting but actually.ly they can still love you even when you do something bad.
I know you have apologised but tomorrow I would sit down and explain how sorry you are for,...... that it wasn't her fault and you should not have shouted at her and you will try your best not to do it again x

Honestly everyone has there moments, I think you will be feeling guilty but your DD won't give it a second thought tomorrow.

Just remember your tired and going through alot so don't be hard on yourself.

Your DH sulked upstairs instead of being with his family on DD's special birthday treat day??

Oh I shouted at my toddler today. Then he had an awful sickness bug. We are only human don’t beat your self up about it. Sending you loads of love

Your husband should be feeling guilty for sulking on your daughter's birthday and leaving you to do all the work . You were just dealing with too many things, and you hit the wall. Sending a hand hold to you , take care of yourself.

Another manchild sulking while his.lids get looked after with minimal imput. Amazing.
They can just have a relaxing sulk while everything done for them.

I completely echo what everyone else has said. Every parent has done or said something to their child at one time or another that they feel bad about. We're not robots. We don't always get things right.

But you've posted here asking for advice. I had CBT and hypnotherapy and what I found useful was that "so what?" question. It's so easy to get caught up in "this thing must happen or else it will be disastrous...." - cue much stress. In this situation, if you missed the bus then so what? Could you go for a walk to get a drink and come back ready for the next bus? Is there a park to play in nearby for a while? Could you get a taxi?

It's very easy to get sucked into believing that things absolutely must happen as planned, and anything else would be an utter disaster. Getting used to taking a step back and saying, OK, well what we could we do instead if X doesn't happen as planned can be really healthy.

You need to remind yourself to do this at the start, but after a while it becomes more natural. And at least for me, it's taken the heat out of situations. The world won't explode if you have to change your plans, or do things a bit differently. It took me a while to get my head round the concept, but it's really helped with stress levels. I have twins, both with SEN, and believe me, in those early years I needed every bit of help keeping my patience as I could get!!!

Oh, and also your DP is a giant, selfish bellend and you deserve much better than a sulky man child who leaves you to cope single-handedly on your DC's BIRTHDAY!

I hope you're feeling better now.

This is a great new book on these type of situations. Read no. 7 in this list, it's about rupture and repair or holler and heal. I hope you're feeling better.

sarahockwell-smith.com/2021/11/04/the-7-golden-rules-of-calmer-parenting/amp/

Bloody hell. You only shouted at her. She'll live.
You sound like a really sweet, loving mum. Losing your rag occasionally is absolutely normal.
You sound on your last nerve, you poor thing. I really feel for you.
Your husband is a twat, but I'm just stating the obvious there.
You didn't make those children on your own.
He needs to step up big time. I assume he knows you have PND?
Is there a reason you don't feel able to march up there and tell him you're in bits and he's to get downstairs and take over? Are you scared of his reaction?
Wish I could give you a hug and make you a cuppa. Is there anyone in your life who'd do that? Because if so, bloody ring them.
Please don't feel bad. You're doing a great job under immense strain.
Your DH should be full of guilt, not you.

You did your best for your daughter to have a nice day. Why didn't dh come? Come he not have had baby? Or at least driven you? I would have found that extremely stressful too.

You are a human NOT a robot.
Just explain to her.. " Honey wow was quite the drama queen today..I should get some kind of actress award, huh?

Do you know why I had to yell at you like a Mad Woman?
( make a funny face) I don't know how old she is...
Assist her if she needs it..

I am so sorry that I did that. I know I hurt your feelings, but honey you hurt my feelings too. So today is a new day. I will try not to raise my voice, but you have to listen to mommy? OK? ((HUGS))

I am so sorry that I did that. I know I hurt your feelings, but honey you hurt my feelings too. So today is a new day. I will try not to raise my voice, but you have to listen to mommy? OK?

^ this sounds like threatening a child into submission or else. Obviously a one off isn't the end of the world but it's not ok to blame children when an adult can't manage their own emotions and defaults to negative parenting such as shouting, name calling or ignoring the child for instance.

I agree you did too much and need to go easy whilst you're feeling low as your tolerance won't be as high. If you Google "we're here for you Headspace" you'll get through to their free resources. I also recommend Mark Williams finding peace in a frantic world. Free resources on his website. I hope you feel better soon and your little ones are OK.

Oh sweetheart we all have those events where we look back and feel devastated about how we handled it.

Mine was walking through a country park with a friend who came to visit, had my newborn and ds2, who was dawdling. I was panicking we would not make it to the cafe in time for closing and it was cold and getting dark. I acted differently because my friend was there and for some reason said “if you don’t come in three seconds we’re going home”. I’d promised him pancakes at the cafe. Of course he didn’t listen and so I felt I had to follow through - god it breaks me to think of it now but he had an absolute meltdown. Poor kid wasn’t his fault it was a really long walk. I just held him. I was just so stressed and panicking at the time 😭we went home and had pancakes at home and it was all absolutely fine.

The moral of the story is, your heart is broken because you’re an amazing mum who loves your child and you’re human and reacted to a high stress moment. Everything is ok and your DD is lucky to be loved so much. Your DH sounds like [an utter twat though.

Your husband sounds like another sulky child; why is he so useless? You’re not the problem

The thing that stuck out to me from all of this is your dh. What is that all about?

Your husbands fault this happened

He is a knob for being so grumpy he knew you would carry the load alone as it was your child's birthday

He is the reason you had an awful day

You're not a terrible mum

He's a prick for staying in and leaving you to get the bus