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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shouting at my toddler in public

95 replies

Belle82 · 17/03/2022 23:06

I’m sorry to post this on AIBU, I was hoping for a bit more traction, I have turned off the voting because I know I have been completely unreasonable.

Today has been a really awful day.

It was my little girl’s birthday yesterday and we had family around, my husband and I were going to take her out but he was in a bad mood this morning, I have no idea why (still is) but he was sulking upstairs.

So I took her out to McDonald’s, the playground, the shops to get some fun stuff with birthday money & softplay (all in the same town).

I lost my license because of my epilepsy so I get a bit worked up when I have to run us both to the bus to get home as there is only 1 every 80 minutes or so.

Anyway I am holding my little girl’s hand to rush her along to the bus (after softplay) she tripped up and banged her knee, I hugged her but then went back to trying to rush her. She sits /lies down on the floor and she’s too heavy to carry (I tried 4 times) while pushing a pram (son was born 3 months ago). But I started shouting at her and crying because the bus was going in 5 minutes (a usual 5 minute walk had taken 20+minutes - which is why we didn’t leave earlier)

I must have looked a right mess, two dads stopped to ask if I needed help (which I kindly declined) but they must have thought I was a terrible mum. To be honest this isn’t my concern, it’s how I must have made my little girl feel.
She fell asleep on my lap on the bus, which meant the whole thing was because she was so tired and I was a horrible shitty mum to her. 😔
There were a few tantrums that day and I do try to stick to the positive parenting steps but then I eventually get to boiling point 😔

I am suffering with PND, going on AD’s soon and I’m in therapy.
But I keep relieving it in my mind and feeling sick with the way I handled it. I have already apologised to her but I just want to hold her and never let go.

If anyone has any tips of how they stay calm with a baby & a toddler please share them?
I know headspace & calm are great but I can not afford them, does anyone have any free resources similar this?

OP posts:
Mummytobe93 · 18/03/2022 07:14

Sounds like an unsupportive DH problem

Didiusfalco · 18/03/2022 07:18

You’re not awful, we’ve all been there and had parenting moments we are not proud of. It sounds very stressful and like you were trying to do too much with little dd and it was all overwhelming and too tiring. Your husband on the other hand, should be ashamed of himself.

skgnome · 18/03/2022 07:25

You’re not awful, you had a long day with a baby and a toddler
Your little girl was tired and she had a fall and she’s a toddler, that there is a recipe for a tantrum
You had a natural reaction, yes you’re not proud of it, and I’m not saying it was a good reaction, just saying it’s natural… don’t be hard on yourself

Ducksurprise · 18/03/2022 07:26

Agree your DH is a dick.

My best advice is don't do too much. McDonald's and soft play or McDonald's and shop, or possibly just bus and McDonald's.
I've done it loads with my first two, trying to make the day as exciting as possible but with toddlers less is more.
And ditch the guilt, apologise look at where it went wrong and move on.
And buggy board.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 18/03/2022 07:34

There is a tipping point for everyone and you meet yours. You apologise to your daughter and move on. It’s good for her to see adult makes mistakes and apologise for them.

The elephant in the room is your husband being a dick. Things which you can control is always aiming to be at the bus stop 10 minutes early and try to not over pack your day so you and your toddler don’t get overwhelmed.

Goldbar · 18/03/2022 07:40

Your husband is a toad. Sulking while you deal with a tiny baby and a toddler is not acceptable.

You had a lot to deal with. Your DD will not remember you shouting at her. Ultimately, you're the one who went to the effort to make her birthday special, unlike Mr Sulky Man-Toad.

How old is your DD? In your shoes, I would get a double buggy. Getting 2 around without driving is tricky enough as it is. No need to make it harder for yourself.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 18/03/2022 07:45

Oh OP, getting the bus with 2 little ones is STRESSFUL. I had to do it when mine were little and people who drive don't realise how awful it is, everything takes twice as long, toddlers are like snails in the walking department and missing a bus and having to wait 20 mins by a busy main road with a toddler is torture. I agree with pp about a buggy board or even just getting a cheap double in these situations.

Please don't worry about getting annoyed, the amount of times I've raised my voice in these situations (and felt guilty) is many. Give yourself a break.

OurChristmasMiracle · 18/03/2022 07:46

@Belle82 please please do not beat yourself up about it. You have apologised to her and you feel guilty that is enough to show you will take the steps to prevent it from happening again. All mums are human and I’m almost 100% sure that at some point every single mum has lost their patience and shouted at their child. You’ve acknowledged it wasn’t the right way to handle it and you are getting help for your PND please be gentle with yourself

CoffeeDay · 18/03/2022 08:01

The logical arrangement would have been DH taking the baby so you can have a nice birthday with the toddler. Trying to manage both with public transport sounds like hell on earth! I think the best tip is to stick to activities that won't overwhelm you even if it means just boring things like sandwiches at the closest park.

This might be a reach, but the vast majority of mums I know (myself included) with PND was due to an unsupportive partner. They were left entirely alone to deal with everything baby/toddler related and it's only human to reach breaking point. You have to find a system that works for you, even if it means lowering expectations. Eg. A day where you get out out of the house even for an hour is a win. It doesn't have to be McDonalds or soft play or a location only available by bus. I sometimes get DD hyped up to go "shopping" and it's just the closest supermarket where she can pick out one treat for herself (usually ice cream). She loves it and I honestly think it's as fun for her as going to the zoo or someplace fancier.

LizzieSiddal · 18/03/2022 08:06

Another one saying you have a huge Hisband problem.

It’s his daughters birthday, his wife has PND and he decides to sulk and leave his wife to take out a 3 year old and 3 month old. Stop feeling guilty and start liking at your relationship with your H. He needs to start supporting you properly or you’d be better off if you separated.

BeHappy91818 · 18/03/2022 08:08

Leave earlier to get the bus or accept you won’t make the current one and get a coffee somewhere while you wait.

If two other people stopped to ask if you needed help then it must of been bad.

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 18/03/2022 08:11

Does your husband often sulk when the attention isn’t on him?

You sound like a super mum. Small children can be exhausting and we have all lost our rag at some point. Like others said you feeling guilty shows you’re just a normal good mum pushed to the edge.

Biggest question is why was your DH being such a jerk?

Cerealnamechangerer · 18/03/2022 08:21

Your husband appears to be an absolute dickhead. That aside, i eventually learnt to dial back what i was trying to fit in each day and to stop stressing myself out by doing a million things. So i would have done either shopping or softplay, not both, especially as she had a very busy exciting day the day before. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to be "perfect mum" and fill every second. You acknowledge you were asking too much of her - so now you know for next time that was too ambitious a plan for all of you with the baby in tow as well.

ThisisMax · 18/03/2022 08:34

You did too many things in one day. Just do one and take her only then you wont have as much pressure. Sounds like she was over tired.

waterrat · 18/03/2022 08:40

You have a 3 month old and a toddler. I have been where and it was one of the worst times of my life! I remember yelling st my 2 year old out of total exhaustion.

The only kind advice I have is this sounds like a bit much as a trip for you all. Could you keep life a bit simpler.

Also. I regret not having a proper double buggy for both baby and toddler to fit. Even if toddler walks most of the time it is worth it for these moments.

waterrat · 18/03/2022 08:42

Also. I live in London where buses come every 5 minutes and even now 5 years on I remember my heart pounding at having to get a bus with baby and toddler! And my job is quite high level and involves a lot of complex travel. But oh my....getting a 20 minute bus with two little ones....most stressful thing ever.

Duckyneedsaclean · 18/03/2022 08:43

Get a buggy board, if only to save your sanity at moments like this.

Bobojangles · 18/03/2022 08:52

Best practical advice is to get a good sling, you can keep it under the pram and when the toddler can't manage more. pop baby into sling and toddler into buggy

This situation sounds so stressful and your husband sounds useless

Joinedforthis22 · 18/03/2022 09:01

Agree your husband is an arse. You're not a shitty mum, we all lose it on occasion and I think the fact that others stopped to try and help you shows how distressed you must have been. Flowers

stonebrambleboy · 18/03/2022 09:02

You're being very hard on yourself OP.
DH is the problem not you x

pinkyredrose · 18/03/2022 09:03

Why couldn't you leave the baby with his father?

Summerfun54321 · 18/03/2022 09:09

Stop pandering to the whims of the most childish person in your household and life will get easier. Talking about your DH obviously.

Summerfun54321 · 18/03/2022 09:11

Also, it’s actually OK not to attempt days out like this with 2 young children by yourself. I certainly wouldn’t. Keep it easy and local unless you have another adult with you for help with both kids.

JenniferBarkley · 18/03/2022 09:18

That sort of situation - trying to hurry along a reluctant pre schooler while juggling another child in a situation where you just can't be late would push me to the edge of my patience and beyond, and my MH is fine. I think you're being too hard on yourself here.

Your husband is a dick though.

Blahblahblah40 · 18/03/2022 09:25

Big hugs.

Your not a shitty mum, you’re human. We all have bad days. You were stressed and reacted, it was a bad reaction but remember it doesn’t make you a bad person. The lovely Dads who stopped probably just saw a stressed out mum with two kids and wanted to help. Same as I would. You’ve already apologised so just keep cuddling her and letting her know you love her. I suspect in a week she won’t even remember it!

As for your ‘DH’, I have no words… apart from he’s a pr*ck. All I can suggest is speaking to your HV to access any available support and if you have family/friends please lean on them to help. If people know you are struggling they will want to help. Maybe next day out you could leave the smallest one with a trusted person and just have an afternoon with the older one for some 1-2-1 time.

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