Shouting at my toddler in public

[Belle82]

I’m sorry to post this on AIBU, I was hoping for a bit more traction, I have turned off the voting because I know I have been completely unreasonable.

Today has been a really awful day.

It was my little girl’s birthday yesterday and we had family around, my husband and I were going to take her out but he was in a bad mood this morning, I have no idea why (still is) but he was sulking upstairs.

So I took her out to McDonald’s, the playground, the shops to get some fun stuff with birthday money & softplay (all in the same town).

I lost my license because of my epilepsy so I get a bit worked up when I have to run us both to the bus to get home as there is only 1 every 80 minutes or so.

Anyway I am holding my little girl’s hand to rush her along to the bus (after softplay) she tripped up and banged her knee, I hugged her but then went back to trying to rush her. She sits /lies down on the floor and she’s too heavy to carry (I tried 4 times) while pushing a pram (son was born 3 months ago). But I started shouting at her and crying because the bus was going in 5 minutes (a usual 5 minute walk had taken 20+minutes - which is why we didn’t leave earlier)

I must have looked a right mess, two dads stopped to ask if I needed help (which I kindly declined) but they must have thought I was a terrible mum. To be honest this isn’t my concern, it’s how I must have made my little girl feel.
She fell asleep on my lap on the bus, which meant the whole thing was because she was so tired and I was a horrible shitty mum to her. 😔
There were a few tantrums that day and I do try to stick to the positive parenting steps but then I eventually get to boiling point 😔

I am suffering with PND, going on AD’s soon and I’m in therapy.
But I keep relieving it in my mind and feeling sick with the way I handled it. I have already apologised to her but I just want to hold her and never let go.

If anyone has any tips of how they stay calm with a baby & a toddler please share them?
I know headspace & calm are great but I can not afford them, does anyone have any free resources similar this?

OP, please be kind to yourself. You are doing your best and frustration gets the better of most of us sometimes. I have an unruly 3 year old and a 9 month old and this stuff is hard!

There is good advice here and I agree with those who say it sounds like you maybe tried to do too much. I have learnt this the hard way - some of the most monumental toddler meltdowns have happened when I have planned too much and had unreasonable expectations of how the day would go and what we could actually achieve.

In particular I think @SpidersAreShitheads gives great advice with the “so what?” approach. I had a bit of an epiphany with this a few months ago and I have to remind myself of it all the time - that just because I have planned for us to do something, I am the only one putting a time frame on it, and there are no real consequences if we get there later or not at all. We aim for much smaller wins on days out now.

You sound like a very loving and thoughtful mum - please forgive yourself and take tomorrow as a new day, your daughter knows that she is loved

God the old 'he's an amazing dad' about a man who is clearly a waste of space.

Leave your shit husband. You'll feel a lot better.

That sounds horrible you poor thing. Totally agree with everyone's comments re Dad's being allowed to sulk and in turn remove themselves from any parenting responsibilities.

There's an app called insight timer which I believe is free. Try and be kind to yourself, "shitty Mum's" definitely don't beat themselves up for handling things in a less than perfect way 💐

@Belle82 please check your pms xx

OP it sounds like you have a lot going on, can you scale back a bit? Don't take both kids to McDonald's and soft play, it's too hard right now! Make a fort in the living room or take some one-on-one time with your daughter while your husband watches your son. Can you take a nap with your daughter and baby everyday? Sounds like you both need it, I love family naps for closeness. I'm sure all this is being exacerbated by your PND, so talk to your GP again if you can. Also there are loads of free mindfulness and relaxing techniques one, can you take 15 mins each morning and night to try some? Good luck, you are doing better than you think.

I really appreciate your responses, thank you so much for making me feel like I’m not alone. I see all these other “perfect” mums and I feel like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards.

To be honest my husband is great when it comes to physically doing things to help.
Emotional support is almost non existent, I can fly off the handle at him and it causes big arguments, when everything has calmed down I realise I / my PND is in the wrong. As I do with my child I always apologise.

He won’t shout, unless it’s as a defence to what I shout at him.
But he says I am the reason he feels depressed, and that he can’t stand me.
I have asked him if I can talk to him about the PND and he will be all keen to discuss but about 10 minutes in he will just ask when I am going on the anti depressants. I have never had any emotional support / understanding of PND from him. 😔

He hasn’t apologised for being in a mood for the last two days with me, goes silent when I bring it up.
I realised tonight that he wants me and my PND to take full blame for everything wrong in our relationship, I have told him I won’t.

So the night before her birthday she had a nasty cough that was making her throw up, he was in with her all night as I had to be with DS.
But I was also making sure everything looked perfect for her birthday morning, especially after she was feeling ill.
When she got up she ran straight downstairs, and saw the presents, normal 3-4 year old (sorry toddler was the wrong term), instead of waking me he was downstairs with her opening presents for 15 minutes until I called him as I was woken by DS.
Admittedly I was furious, called him selfish: this was a text during the argument (so we didn’t shout in front of the kids) I am ashamed of the way it was said but I am still hurt I missed that with my little girl. This is when his sulk started.

“ Stop bloody sulking and putting your head in your hands. I asked you last night to get me up to see her face. You made a decision not to wake me, I wouldn’t have cared if it was 3am. You made that choice and I missed her excitement.

The least you can do is stop sulking. You’ve already made her feel like you being upset was her fault”

I am not perfect and this is how it will come out, so I can be horrible towards him 😔, it’s not all him.
But the last bit is true, DD went over to him when he was in a mood. She came back over to me and said, daddy is upset with me for being ill.
I hugged her so tight and told her that wasn’t the case and that we loved her so much and it was because of something between mummy & daddy. Right in that moment I could have killed him for making our DD feel that.

I’ve got nothing but admiration for you, you went through a lot of effort to give your girl a good birthday. These outings always end with a bit of a tantrum as everyone is exhausted but you did great. She will remember all the fun she had! Your husband really needs to grow up.

You're obviously in a bad place at the moment, and your marriage is contributing to that.

“I feel awful, I’m so scared this is going to end up ruining my relationship with her.”

This will not happen. I spent the first 4 years of my DC’s life depressed, stressed and full of anxiety. My return to work after a year made it 100x worse with all the commuting, running around, sheer exhaustion etc and in the end it all caused the horrific breakdown of my marriage and me making life choices I never would have made in my ‘right mind’. My DC is now 7 and we have a wonderful, close relationship. She is a joy to be around and doesn’t ever mention the time I lost my sh*t when she was 3 because she wouldn’t get dressed for nursery… Please stop telling yourself your doing a bad job, you aren’t. You’re a mummy who is tired and struggling. Your husband will be too, to an extent, because he can see it happening and is living it with you. He probably won’t tell you what’s upset him because he won’t want to upset you. Also, take the pressure off. Spend some days at home if you can just chilling out. Do some playdoh, let her ‘wash the dishes’ (Tupperware etc) at the sink, have picnic lunches and watch movies. Get shopping delivered. If she is kicking off daily she is telling you she is tired. So unless its drs appointments then everything else can wait. 🙂

Woah I just read your next post! I take back what I said about DH, he’s being totally unreasonable!!

OP That was really awful of him to start her presents without you. Never mind all the other stuff. No wonder you were furious.

Sorry I hadn’t read your post properly. He also told her that he was upset with you for being ill. Sorry, what?!

Oh OP.

I don't think your comments to your husband were wrong OP. He sounds awful, like he is crushing your spirit with his lack of care and love. He is not an amazing dad. He only cares about himself.

The best thing I found (my are a little older now) is to have lower ambitions for my day. I know it sounds a bit defeatist but when I had a baby and a toddler (and no car either) one of those things would have been challenging, all would have pushed something over the edge.

It’s hard when you are used to being an efficient adult to get into a mindset where something simple is the whole activity. But I found it helped.

I also had a mantra when I found myself getting frustrated “this is not an emergency”
which helped.

Mostly though, forgive yourself! You are human. You will make mistakes or be grouchy. It doesn’t make you a bad mum.

Don't feel guilty

That sounds super stressful and id have shouted too.

Where was your husband! He should have been there to help in your little girls birthday

We're only human. Don't beat yourself up

How old is your little girl? if she's 4 or under then get a double buggy. You've got a lot on your plate so it's no wonder you are a bit more shouty than usual. I would take the antidepressants, there are ones on which you can breastfeed as your doctor has said and focus on getting yourself back to good health. Things will be easier once your hard feels straighter. Don't put so much pressure on yourself to take the kids out on the bus, if you have a garden use it. If not then a walk around where you live and popping in to any local shops is still an outing. I really hope you have someone other than your husband to support you.

It happens, apologies and move on.
Agree with pp's DH added to the stress of today. I'd rage at him.

I agree with the double buggy comment above. When you can’t drive or don’t have a car available, you need one. Ignore anyone judgemental about that, most parents are happy to strap their child into a car seat for longer journeys and it’s no different.

The text to your husband wasn't horrible. Sulking and ignoring a little girl are horrible. Your husband is the problem.