Shouting at my toddler in public

[Belle82]

I’m sorry to post this on AIBU, I was hoping for a bit more traction, I have turned off the voting because I know I have been completely unreasonable.

Today has been a really awful day.

It was my little girl’s birthday yesterday and we had family around, my husband and I were going to take her out but he was in a bad mood this morning, I have no idea why (still is) but he was sulking upstairs.

So I took her out to McDonald’s, the playground, the shops to get some fun stuff with birthday money & softplay (all in the same town).

I lost my license because of my epilepsy so I get a bit worked up when I have to run us both to the bus to get home as there is only 1 every 80 minutes or so.

Anyway I am holding my little girl’s hand to rush her along to the bus (after softplay) she tripped up and banged her knee, I hugged her but then went back to trying to rush her. She sits /lies down on the floor and she’s too heavy to carry (I tried 4 times) while pushing a pram (son was born 3 months ago). But I started shouting at her and crying because the bus was going in 5 minutes (a usual 5 minute walk had taken 20+minutes - which is why we didn’t leave earlier)

I must have looked a right mess, two dads stopped to ask if I needed help (which I kindly declined) but they must have thought I was a terrible mum. To be honest this isn’t my concern, it’s how I must have made my little girl feel.
She fell asleep on my lap on the bus, which meant the whole thing was because she was so tired and I was a horrible shitty mum to her. 😔
There were a few tantrums that day and I do try to stick to the positive parenting steps but then I eventually get to boiling point 😔

I am suffering with PND, going on AD’s soon and I’m in therapy.
But I keep relieving it in my mind and feeling sick with the way I handled it. I have already apologised to her but I just want to hold her and never let go.

If anyone has any tips of how they stay calm with a baby & a toddler please share them?
I know headspace & calm are great but I can not afford them, does anyone have any free resources similar this?

My mum was a very shouty mum which made me strive to not be a shouter. BUT of course I shouted sometimes. It’s 100% normal and doesn’t harm a child when it’s in the context of a loving childhood.

Your partner is a different issue and should actually be the subject of your post. You did nothing much wrong. He did.

I had loads of days like that in the early days of dc2. You're adapting to having two kids plus your husband is being a big baby.

Do a bit less, allow more time, notice the signs in yourself that you're going to lose your temper. Your DD would much rather spend time playing with you than do all those things, one would have been enough. You're just making life harder for yourself.

And after a busy day with a party, I always plan for downtime the day after. They get a kind of emotional comedown and need to mooch a bit!

Also please remember that PND causes us to “talk” to ourselves in ways we usually wouldn’t. It will be escalating the situation in your head and making you think you’re awful and that everyone was judging you. It’s the anxiety talking. Take some deep breaths, and have a nap and a warm bath if you can get one. For my anxiety (which started when my daughter was born) I used routine to cope. Anything out with routine I needed a couple of days to build up and plan for it. Sometimes I’d ask someone to come along for help if it was a bad week. Do you have one of those toddler board things for the back of your pram? It attaches to the frame and the toddler can ride on it between the handlebars if tired.

I think you’re amazing, despite probably feeling like you want to hide away you’ve had a lovely day for your daughters birthday then taken her and a 3 month old baby on a bus to make your child happy, you are not a shitty mum at all!!

Please be kind to yourself (your dh should be too) pnd is brutal I’ve had it twice with my kids so I understand how it can feel. Today was a blip, it’s what happens from now that matters. If you feel yourself getting angry count to ten or leave the room, so make sure rooms are safe for your baby and daughter pop baby in his cot and just do some calming breathing or make some tea repeat to yourself that it’ll pass calm down and go back to the kids and carry on. Ask for help!! If you have family who could sit with the kids so you could get your hair done or go for a bath or lunch with a friend then ask them, if people offer to help say yes. It’s hard! You want to do it on your own but it really does help having people in to help and have company. It’s a difficult time, you don’t imagine pnd when you’re pregnant so when it happens it does make you feel less than but it will pass and you will come out the other side. It does take time. I hope to your husband grows up and realises he’s not 3 and he’s a dad with a wife who is struggling
Take care op,

You sound like an absolute gem of a mother who lost her cool due to being completely overwhelmed. It’s hardly surprising with a toddler, a newborn, a bus to catch and 2 busy days on the trot! Catch yourself a break, these things happen and your toddler will have forgotten and still thinks the world of you.

Your DH sounds like a selfish man child. Is he always so useless? Did you ask him why he thought it was okay to sit and sulk and leave his wife who can’t drive with 2 small children?

Trust me, all your daughter will remember from that day is that daddy couldn’t be arsed to celebrate her birthday.

Who ran around organising the cake and getting everyone food and drinks when you had family over? Was your 'D'H in a mood from having to help with that?

God when my youngest was a baby my eldest got yelled at a lot. He’s now a teen and I don’t think he even remembers it. It was a really hard time but the only person who remembers how horrible I was sometimes seems to be me. I have apologised to him since and he looked at me very blankly.

We’ve all been there. Having a toddler and a tiny baby is exhausting. Today is a new day. One thing I’ve reflected on a bit over the years is that the more you try to do for them the less happy they are and the more likely they are to lose it (I think I underestimated how tired they get). Give yourself permission to do less. Your daughter will be just fine

You had loads on your plate OP. Everyone gets this way at times. Don’t feel bad. However I think you need to look at your DH’s behaviour and how this is contributing to your current well-being.

You're not a terrible mum. Your husband is a shit husband and father. What a fucking prick.

Your daughter will be ok. Explain what it was that she did wrong which is why you raised your voice. Have a cuddle and she'll have forgotten about you shouting tomorrow.
I'd be more worried about the negative impact your partner's behaviour will be having on her in the long term.

Very simple quick fix for those high-stress situations OP - I have used this a lot:

Breathe in slowly through your nose (say for a count of 4)
Breathe out slowly through your mouth (for a count of 5)

Slows your heart rate a little, and helps you to physically become calmer.

I’d also second the ideas of PPs regarding either a sling for baby or buggy board for toddler. Being hands-free or having the option of moving faster would both be great for catching the bus with little ones. Good luck (and you are doing OK - I remember this stage was so hard with my two!)

You are not a robot so it's normal to get stressed especially when having to catch a bus or wait another 80 minutes. Give yourself a break and stop putting yourself down. You are an amazing mum and amazing mum's sometimes have to shout at their kids or raise their voice x

@Booboobadoo

Your DH sulked upstairs instead of being with his family on DD's special birthday treat day??

This.

You're not a horrible mum. Your DH is a horrible dad and a useless partner.

To be honest. Although in this situation he sounds awful, it was the day after her birthday, but it was the day we had planned to take her out.
He is an amazing dad, will take DD in the mornings to allow me to catch up on sleep. I cook for my daughter but he cooks for him & I every night. I am a SAHM & he’s never put pressure on me to go back to work.
He takes my DD to nursery and picks her up, and two days a week, when I have them both all day, when DD gets too much he takes her upstairs to him for an hour or so.
Had I asked I think he would have picked us up but he was in such a bad mood I didn’t want to, which makes the situation worse as it’s almost like I choose this outcome 😔
Weirdly he seems to be fine with me now but it’s not fair to have not told me why he was being cold towards me without him apologising for it. He does like to pretend like nothing has happened after he’s been an idiot.

I was so tired today - 4 hrs sleep, baby has a nasty chesty cough, so I took him to the doctor to get him checked before the weekend.

My husband had a meeting so wasn’t around this time, she made us run back to the house to get a bag that we got her yesterday, so I ended up shouting again. I feel awful, I’m so scared this is going to end up ruining my relationship with her.
She has been playing up massively for the last few days (tiredness & over excitement I think) and I should have so much more patience with her but at the moment I am really struggling. We have such a lovely time most of the day but then we have one of these moments and it totally messes everything up.

I do have a buggy board but she absolutely hates it. I don’t know why 😔

I am on the “safest” medication (there have never been any documented issues) for my epilepsy for breastfeeding and the drs have told me breastfeeding is a gradual weaning from the medication during pregnancy.
I am desperate to try the anti depressants but I don’t want it going to him & I really want to continue breastfeeding him until he is 6 months.
I am still in therapy so I’m hoping that might ease the time in between.

I will look at the meditation resources some of you have given me.
I love my children so much and I don’t want them looking back and only remembering this side of me.
I know it sounds silly but I have a repeat reminder on my phone every day which says - be the mum you want them to remember. But I’m not doing that at the moment.

I meant two days a week he works from home 🤦🏻‍♀️

We ALL have days like this! And the guilt is horrible but also shows you're not an awful mum because you do care. Despite pnd, a tiny baby and horrible useless prick of a husband, you went out and gave your daughter her special day. That should be acknowledged.

Please ditch the self-centred horrid husband though 🙄 I'd be more than fuming if mine did that to my son on his birthday.

I cross posted with your update and I'm sorry, op but it doesn't matter how "amazing" he is the rest of the time (even though what you've described is just normal dad stuff to me), having a sulk for no reason on the day you celebrate DD's birthday is just plain awful. She will remember these kind of events and how her dad has been and take it from someone who knows, it hurts. He needs pulled up on that and told it's completely unacceptable

Aww OP you’re not a shitty mum at all. You tried your best to give your DD a lovely day- while your husband stayed home and sulked -and I don’t blame you for losing it under the circumstances. You should be directing your anger at your husband not against yourself. You are suffering with PND fgs!

Poor you. You’re only human and you deserve more help! Don’t be hard on yourself.

op hugs to you.Them days will make you question yourself. sounds like you handled it correctly. and like your daughter got overtired and had a meltdown. get a cup of tea and try and put it to the back of your mind, you sound like a amazing mum. on a difficult day. it cant be easy going from 1 child to 2.

@WTF475878237NC

I am so sorry that I did that. I know I hurt your feelings, but honey you hurt my feelings too. So today is a new day. I will try not to raise my voice, but you have to listen to mommy? OK?

^ this sounds like threatening a child into submission or else. Obviously a one off isn't the end of the world but it's not ok to blame children when an adult can't manage their own emotions and defaults to negative parenting such as shouting, name calling or ignoring the child for instance.

I agree you did too much and need to go easy whilst you're feeling low as your tolerance won't be as high. If you Google "we're here for you Headspace" you'll get through to their free resources. I also recommend Mark Williams finding peace in a frantic world. Free resources on his website. I hope you feel better soon and your little ones are OK.

*Bawwwwwwwwwwhahahahaha PUHLLLLease... Threatening a child into submission.

You are ridiculous. Acknowledging to a little one that all of us can be unpleasant at times. And we will both try to be better.

Oh, OP. I've had periods when I've really felt like I haven't been the Mum I want them to remember. I really know how you feel.

You're having a really hard time right now. Your mental health is suffering; you've just added another baby to the family which means a) you're running on insufficient sleep and b) your older child probably is being more demanding, because she's adapting to it too. It won't always be like this.

One thing I've always found helpful is having a little phrase to repeat over and over in my head when things are stressful. Mine is 'this is not an emergency'. But it could be 'be the Mum you want them to remember'. And every time you want to shout but you stay calm instead, you get better at it.

OP I'm sure there are meds you can take while breastfeeding- the Breastfeeding Network is a good place to look, theyre pharmacists and know their stuff. I think Sertraline is commonly used for breastfeeding mums? www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/antidepressants/