Elderly parents on a sofa bed, is it ok?

[Letsgobacktothenineties]

Stressing out a bit as to where to put my parents.
We live abroad and they visit us two-three times per year. They were always in the spare room with a nice, double bed. That’s now going to be our toddler DD’s room. We sold the bed and are currently painting it to get ready.
We only gave her bedroom and ours.
I thought of getting a small sofa bed to put in our bedroom as a sofa and into DD’s room as a sofa bed for them when they come to stay (Dd would sleep with us in our room)
Does this sound ok? They’re late 60’s/early 70’s. Can’t think of any other option.
Have offered them our bedroom before, large room with en-suite and terrace, but mum doesn’t want to because our dog sleeps on our bed 🤷🏻‍♀️She obviously wouldn’t whilst they were here and obviously sheets washed etc
She was disappointed when I said we were selling the large double bed as I have a small child’s single for our Dd and said can she not sleep in the double bed, it was huge and wanted her to have her own bed!
Where would you comfortably put them?

[quote Letsgobacktothenineties]@DoYouSeaWhatISea That’s the one I’ve just found too 😅As a single is it fairly small for a child’s room?[/quote]
Yes, it’s tiny. No bulky headboard or footboard, and no sides either. I ended up spray painting it white to look cute but it’s nice in the natural wood color too.

I use it just like you’d need, for extra visitors when they come stay (and my DD sleeps in our room).

@AnnesBrokenSlate No, I was thinking of my daughter and am desperate for her to have her own space now, she’s 3.5 and I’ve stressed about it because of this. The double was huge and really wasn’t right in there. I knew we’d obviously sort something out for them and this is where I’m having to decide what.

This is your house and your DD needs her own bedroom now. Your parents need to understand that!
They either use your bed or have a sofa bed in the lounge. Or stay elsewhere. It would be totally unreasonable of them to expect you to keep your house to suit them!

@DoYouSeaWhatISea Ahh perfect, yes I’d spray it white too as that was the original colour I wanted

@Letsgobacktothenineties the photo you posted of the stacking bed we bought with guests in mind. It works fine for my daughter as a single but when I stacked and put together it is super super low. We didn’t put my parents on it and they aren’t elderly but it would have been tricky for them to get up from that low.

I'd bite the bullet and have a conversation about there not being space for them to stay with you for a fortnight!

GIve them your room.
You sleep in DD's room on a surface of your choosing... f
A sofa bed will be very uncomfortable for two people for that length of time.

Or buy a large double bed for DD's room and freecycle it after the holiday.

@Maray1967

This is your house and your DD needs her own bedroom now. Your parents need to understand that! They either use your bed or have a sofa bed in the lounge. Or stay elsewhere. It would be totally unreasonable of them to expect you to keep your house to suit them!

Seriously? Children don't give up their rooms for visiting grandparents now?

"In my day" it was taken for granted that our bedrooms would be offered to guests. My oldest sister usually lost out as she had a nicer bedroom than any of the rest of us.

You don’t need to compromise. It’s your DC’s room, it’s your choice what bed you want for them. Presumably your DPS chose what they wanted for your first room.

You have offered your room. That’s a generous (and correct imo) suggestion. You don’t need to do anything more. Get the bed you want for your DC and the spare/sofa bed that works for you. If they don’t like it they can go to a hotel. Or do you want to set a precedent that will be increasingly problematic as your DC gets older?

“Well, my mum I think would just like to keep it the way it is”

“They’ve always sort of classed it as their room, my dad even leaves his clothes in the wardrobe when he goes home”

To be honest op, I think your parents really need to accept that your dd trumps them, when it comes to bedrooms. She is at the age where she really should have a bedroom of her own and one to suit her, not other people. Keep the bed you have bought her, it was bought to suit the bedroom of a little girl and that is what that room is. Your dp’s have maybe always looked on this room as theirs, but things have changed and that room will be your dds.

I think, looking forward, your dps need to realise that things have changed and staying with you isn’t going to be as easy as it was previously! I know you will look forward to their visits, but if they don’t want to stay in your room, the choice will have to be a sofa bed! By the way, I am disabled, but would never expect any of my family to give up their bed for me!

@ElCaMum That’s what I was worried about looking at the pictures 😬I thought I’d found the perfect solution, but it does look low and I’m not sure how it would be
I don’t know whether to basically just send them a picture of those beds/the lower option, a sofa bed pic or the offer of our room again (mum won’t want to) and basically ask which would suit them best? 🤷🏻‍♀️

My parents sleep on a sofa bed when they visit us (it's downstairs luckily have 2 living rooms). We found getting some memory foam that fits the dimensions of it and putting that ontop of it then cover all with a sheet makes it really comfortable and gets rid of the uncomfortable sofa aspect.
We then just roll it up use some ties and store away. They have stayed for over 3 weeks. My mum is the same and won't accept our bed (not because of a dog she just doesn't like the idea of us having to go downstairs)
Could that be a option for you?

Your parents need to stop being so precious.
It's not their house.
They either sleep in your bed, a sofa bed of go to an Airbnb nearby.
Don't furnish your child's room for the six weeks a year that they visit when a double bed will give her no area to play or spread out for the other 46 weeks of the year.

[quote Letsgobacktothenineties]@ElCaMum That’s what I was worried about looking at the pictures 😬I thought I’d found the perfect solution, but it does look low and I’m not sure how it would be
I don’t know whether to basically just send them a picture of those beds/the lower option, a sofa bed pic or the offer of our room again (mum won’t want to) and basically ask which would suit them best? 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
Yes, just ask them!

They can have your room, or a sofa bed in a room full of DD's things, or stay somewhere else. Or not come.

If they're the type to just turn their noses up at everything you suggest, you really need to put it back on them to find the solution.

I put my dad, now early 70s, up in our sofa bed a few times. He then decided if his own volition to start staying in a hotel on future visits.

I think it is fine to offer what you have practically available, which would be the sofa bed, and let them sort out other arrangements if they are not happy or comfortable.

You can get quite fancy ones. Ours lost its plumpness quite quickly so isn’t hugely comfy. Also might help to get a mattress topper of some sort. I’ve slept on other peoples sofa beds a and sometimes the sofa buttons dig in. (I’m like the princess and the pea 😂)

Alternatively, you could get an inflatable mattress that is reasonably sturdy as long as you set it up correctly.

I don't understand these responses.

OP you are completely reasonable to get rid of the double bed and buy your toddler a bed that suits her needs better. She lives in your house 100% of the time!!

You've offered your parents your bed and bedroom. Either they take it or they stay in a hotel. They can't expect you to have a room for them permanently when they stay 4-6 weeks out of 52.

Your parents need to stop being so precious

That's the word I was looking for but couldn't quite put my finger on it.
When did people get to be so precious?
The parents can either sleep in OP's room or they can sleep on a sofa bed which could either be wheeled into DD's room or possibly on a sofa bed in the lounge. If they do not like either of those options then they will need to find somewhere else to stay.
The option they want, sleeping in a double bed in "their room", is no longer available due to the room being set up for the needs of the DD.

And to the person who said that kids used to move out of their rooms for grandparents/other guests to stay - that wasn't really the issue here at all. The OP said the DD would go in with them so that the grandparents could sleep in her room but they would need to sleep on a sofa bed because she does not want a large double bed taking up most of the space in her daughter's room when it's only going to be in use for 4-5 weeks a year by the grandparents.

My fit 80 odd year old fil stays with us when he wants to be in London and he comes to socialize with friends and go to his members' clubs, not really for us at all. We too converted a large bedroom into a playroom/ living room for the children, one of which has started secondary school. We bought a very good quality L shaped sofa bed from John Lewis and it wasn't cheap. It's great as a sofa and decent as a bed. Absolutely prioritise your child first. Your parents will have to adapt to your living space and needs. We too used to have an entire large room converted as a guest room but we get a lot of use out of it as a family having an area for the children to lounge. I would never waste a room for guests like that again.

I don't recommend sofa beds. Would your mum sleep in your room if you put a new mattress cover, the kind that encases the mattress completely and zips closed?
I would not stay if the host only had a sofa bed as I find them crippling. I took off the sofa bed mattress and set on the floor, at fils, it was a bit better that way. Once mil slept on it, when fil was ill, and then afterwards asked us why we never told her how uncomfortable it was!

I think a sofa bed would be very uncomfortable for that length of time. I also don't understand the reluctance for DD to not be able to sleep in a "big bed" DS (4) and DD (13mths) both have small doubles. Both beautiful white beds, child's bedding, lots of room for stories, snuggles and to sleep in with them when needed. At that age children don't play alone in their rooms. Ours play in the front room or in the attic playroom but always with us. Plus playing on the bed is far more comfortable than sitting on the floor anyway.

[quote Letsgobacktothenineties]@Candleabra I’ve offered our room, mum isn’t keen due to our dog, which I don’t get at all[/quote]
Not everyone loves dogs or wants to share a bed with them!

You no longer have a spare bedroom to accommodate your DP's now so with this in mind I would get a nice sofa bed for the living room and they could use that instead? As your dd gets older she may not want to be turfed out of her room.

Or seeing as you have 3 bathrooms they could always take a bath each to sleep in 😂

Sofa beds are uncomfortable and there is no point in having a sofa bed that takes up space and a bed in the room.

Hotels/bnbs make the cost of a visit astronomical and for many people would mean no visit. Also depending on family values, for many people, they want to have family visit and staying with them is part of family norms. Obviously if your goal is to end all visits, then insisting on a hotel and making it seem like they are a major inconvenience is the way to go.

You have lots of ideas in this thread. Kids have given up their rooms for visitors for decades without ill effect. You have to decide what your aim is - to have a good family visit or to end family visits. Unless your parents are wealthy, then accommodations with cost are out of reach.

The bottom line is you don't have enough space for them especially to stay for 2 weeks. A sofa bed is ok for a night or two but not longer. It's unfair to chuck DD out of her bedroom for that length of time too even with extending double.

Some sofa beds are really comfortable and would be fine for a couple of weeks. Others not so much. I haven’t come across a decent single-to-double convertible yet, but I’ve mainly tried IKEA ones. Better mattresses might make all the difference, but they rarely seem to have space for more than a thin one.

I think, OP, that you need to gently remind your parents that the primary purpose of your house is to house you and DD. Not to host them for their stays and that while they are very, very welcome and you love to see them, no that DD is getting bigger they are going to have to give up some of the temporary boons they’ve had when they visit. Maybe start by reminding them to bring a big enough suitcase to take all the clothes your dad has left in the wardrobe.

For bedding, decide what is going to work best for you for the 45+ weeks of the year your parents aren’t visiting. You’ve offered your bed too, it’s not like you’re telling them to camp on the patio. A good sofa bed is fine, a single-to-double is fine. Your bed is fine. You can offer any of those things.