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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD loves MIL more than me

92 replies

Anon322168 · 17/03/2022 19:09

Went to pick up my DD from MIL home and she starts crying and screaming she wants to stay there and not come home. MIL as usual laughs and claps her hands, then daughter starts hitting me and MIL continues laughing. I lost it and told her not to laugh and stop encouraging her bad behaviour. I just feel really sad that my daughter loves her more than me.

Not to drip feed so here’s the whole story - for context we’re Indian so MIL plays a huge role in our lives whether we like to or not. She’s very controlling, when I gave birth she was in the room straight away and took DD off me. I could never fully feed DD as she would just walk into my home with spare key and take her off me. Not even say hello just literally walk in and grab my baby. I kept getting told it’s normal and it’s what happens. DH never stood up for me. Even today I came home in tears and he told me to just get over it and if that’s my biggest problem I need to get a life.

It’s not the fact that DD was crying, it’s more MIL reaction of laughing and egging my daughter on to misbehave and hit me. Also not to drip feed I 100% feel I have not bonded with my daughter as I let MIL have too much control e.g. I wasn’t allowed to spend first Mother’s Day with DD as MIL forced us to go to hers and then sat holding my daughter all day. I have a younger child too who I feel I am closer to as I didn’t let mother in law interfere. I went back to my mums home for when I have birth so I feel I had previous 1:1 time. I feel so sad my daughter doesn’t love me, I wish she got excited when I went to pick her up like my youngest who runs to the door and cuddles me. What can I do to improve my relationship with DD?

DD also told me today that MIL is taking her on holiday during Easter! Nothing has been said to me or DH and Easter is in 2 weeks. I’m not letting DD go with her.

OP posts:

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 17/03/2022 19:11

You need to Ltb. At least you would have decent quality time 50 /50 with your dc..

Original poster

Anon322168 · 17/03/2022 19:11

Apologies for the autocorrect. Using my phone so many spelling errors. Should be Precious time not previous.

OP posts:

rainyskylight · 17/03/2022 19:19

This is completely outrageous. It's extremely difficult to comment because of the cultural element.

MiL aside, are you happily married? Do you love your DH? Do you have any financial independence?

GabriellaMontez · 17/03/2022 19:20

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

You need to Ltb. At least you would have decent quality time 50 /50 with your dc..

Yeah. He sounds a twat. Is there anything wonderful about him? Even quite good.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 17/03/2022 19:22

How old are your children?

Sounds so awful, I would be tempted to majorly
Reduce contact time with this lady

CaveMum · 17/03/2022 19:24

How does your MIL get to spend so much time with her? Are you taking DD to her? If so stop now. Pay for childcare if that is what she is doing.

You need a long hard talk with your DH and tell him that this issue is putting your marriage on the rocks. If he still thinks it is not an issue then you need to start making plans. Yes life as a single parent will be hard, but continuing your life like this will be harder.

Original poster

Anon322168 · 17/03/2022 19:31

Well DD usually goes to school but has been off today due to school closure just for today. MIL picks up youngest from nursery and I collect DD on way back from work then go to hers with DD to pick up my little one.

I don’t feel I have a choice in regards to MIL as she goes crazy when she doesn’t see my kids and DH accuses me of trying to distance the kids from his mother so to keep the peace I let her pick up youngest from nursery and sometimes when I work late she picks up DD. I know this sounds nasty but I wish MIL would drop dead but knowing what a cockroach she is she will probably live to over a 100!

No I don’t have a good relationship with DH. We’re actually planning to move soon and I’m hoping this will improve my life and contact with MIL. We live a few doors away from Inlaws right now.

OP posts:

seashellsunderthesand · 17/03/2022 19:32

I understand about the cultural aspect, but that isn't the problem here. The problem is your mil's personality, not the amount of time she spent with the child. If she were a thoughtful person she would have spent that time building a positive relationship with your daughter but not at the expense of your mother daughter bond, and most certainly not gleefully encouraging her bad behaviour.
You need your husband on your side because you need to gradually take back the role that your mil has with your daughter.

Original poster

Anon322168 · 17/03/2022 19:33

@OnceuponaRainbow18

How old are your children?

Sounds so awful, I would be tempted to majorly
Reduce contact time with this lady

7 and 2.

OP posts:

Xyzzzzz · 17/03/2022 19:35

I guess it depends on Indian families as an Indian this isn’t the case for me or anyone I’m close too.

You have a DH problem not a MIL problem tbh.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/03/2022 19:35

Fucking hell, get a divorce.

Original poster

Anon322168 · 17/03/2022 19:38

@seashellsunderthesand

I understand about the cultural aspect, but that isn't the problem here. The problem is your mil's personality, not the amount of time she spent with the child. If she were a thoughtful person she would have spent that time building a positive relationship with your daughter but not at the expense of your mother daughter bond, and most certainly not gleefully encouraging her bad behaviour. You need your husband on your side because you need to gradually take back the role that your mil has with your daughter.

I agree with you. She’s a very nasty and vile woman. When I was pregnant with DD she kept making comments that she hopes it’s a boy. She also kept hinting that in India they get an early test and abort if it’s a girl. She kept insisting I get a test but I refused. She constantly makes remarks about girls, yet she’s obsessed with my daughter! I absolutely hate her.

OP posts:

Londondreams1 · 17/03/2022 19:38

I’m not Indian (white British ) but married into a lm East Asian family and lived there and experienced similar, compounded by my low socio-economic background roots... MIL snatched the baby away shortly after delivery, which I planned at home (the birth itself was beautiful- and then she came along and spoiled it all, almost, but not quite. I wouldn’t let her have that).
In a nutshell, take the threat seriously.
But know that deep down when it comes to the crunch your daughter’s primary bond is ultimately with you.
You need to extract yourself. I made the big mistake of being generous with DD , and putting MIL’s unhinged behavior down to age, culture , class, when really she was just a phenomenal b*tch who really was competing for my child.

Original poster

Anon322168 · 17/03/2022 19:42

@Londondreams1

I’m not Indian (white British ) but married into a lm East Asian family and lived there and experienced similar, compounded by my low socio-economic background roots... MIL snatched the baby away shortly after delivery, which I planned at home (the birth itself was beautiful- and then she came along and spoiled it all, almost, but not quite. I wouldn’t let her have that). In a nutshell, take the threat seriously. But know that deep down when it comes to the crunch your daughter’s primary bond is ultimately with you. You need to extract yourself. I made the big mistake of being generous with DD , and putting MIL’s unhinged behavior down to age, culture , class, when really she was just a phenomenal b*tch who really was competing for my child.

Sorry you went through this. Yes I 100% feel she competes with me too! It’s really hard trying to explain this to people with normal MIL. But I believe she thinks she’s her mother not me. She makes me feel guilty when I take my daughter anywhere and not ask her permission first. What’s your relationship with your child like now as they’ve gotten older?

OP posts:

AliceW89 · 17/03/2022 19:48

She makes me feel guilty when I take my daughter anywhere and not ask her permission first

This is absolutely insane and emotionally abusive. If your DH is happy for someone with zero parental responsibility to dictate his wife and daughter’s lives…I’m not sure I could carry on in the relationship to be honest. Do you have friends and family irl? This sounds beyond a difficult mil to be honest.

NataliaSerene · 17/03/2022 19:52

Is your own mother available to help you deal with this woman?

PinkSyCo · 17/03/2022 19:52

Your MIL is a prize bitch. I would not allow her anywhere near my children, and if my husband had anything to say about that he could fuck of too!

Original poster

Anon322168 · 17/03/2022 19:53

Do you have friends and family irl? This sounds beyond a difficult mil to be honest

I actually moved here when I got married so had zero family and friends here. Tbh I don’t really have people IRL to talk to. There’s a small community here and I feel everything will go back to her (had experience of this! It’s actually crazy what happened but too long to write down) so I don’t speak to people.

OP posts:

Guineapigssweak · 17/03/2022 19:53

You need to grow a backbone and tell her to do one! You should never have let her walk in and take your baby off you especially whilst breastfeeding and you also should have left your husband for encouraging his mum's behavior by standing up for her! Find your voice and leave.

AgathaMystery · 17/03/2022 19:55

Your MIL sounds like a horror.

As a practical solution can you start arriving a bit earlier to ear your DD thru the transition of leaving? So less ‘right, coat on off we go!’ And more ‘we are going in ten minutes, look let’s set a timer.’

You poor woman. She sounds awful.

AliceW89 · 17/03/2022 20:02

Good grief, I mean I can’t comment on the cultural element, but taking that aside your situation is awful. Your husband and his family have completely isolated you from your support network and left you with no escape route. Add in her ludicrous behaviour towards you and his completely nonchalant attitude I struggle to see how this can get better for you. Are you planning on moving far, far away? Are your family in the UK?

LemonsLimes · 17/03/2022 20:03

You poor thing. I don't blame you for feeling like you do about her. I feel like that about my mum. I hope you get to move far from her. You need new door locks that she doesn't have the key to

BritishDesiGirl · 17/03/2022 20:21

Hi, OP

I will comment on the cultural background as l am south east Asian, British born but married to someone from Pakistan.

My MIL can also be overbearing and controlling. I refuse to do what she wants, told my husband the same. My family, my life, my rules.

I would reduce contact significantly with mil, only engage when necessary.

Keep things which are personal to yourself and strongly advise you'd husband to do the same.

And despite how it seems, l'm sure your daughter loves you more.

Have you spoken to your own parents.

BritishDesiGirl · 17/03/2022 20:22

Leave the key in the lock so she can't let herself in.

Whywonttheyhelpme · 17/03/2022 20:50

This is not cultural, it is manipulation.

We, as a family, are friends with a lovely family from Pakistan. The birth of their most recent child was very much a family event but in the sense that the female members of the family took such lovely care over the mother and baby rather than taking the baby for themselves.

Your MIL is a witch and your DH needs a kick up the arse (and preferably out the door).

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