DD loves MIL more than me

[Anon322168]

Went to pick up my DD from MIL home and she starts crying and screaming she wants to stay there and not come home. MIL as usual laughs and claps her hands, then daughter starts hitting me and MIL continues laughing. I lost it and told her not to laugh and stop encouraging her bad behaviour. I just feel really sad that my daughter loves her more than me.

Not to drip feed so here’s the whole story - for context we’re Indian so MIL plays a huge role in our lives whether we like to or not. She’s very controlling, when I gave birth she was in the room straight away and took DD off me. I could never fully feed DD as she would just walk into my home with spare key and take her off me. Not even say hello just literally walk in and grab my baby. I kept getting told it’s normal and it’s what happens. DH never stood up for me. Even today I came home in tears and he told me to just get over it and if that’s my biggest problem I need to get a life.

It’s not the fact that DD was crying, it’s more MIL reaction of laughing and egging my daughter on to misbehave and hit me. Also not to drip feed I 100% feel I have not bonded with my daughter as I let MIL have too much control e.g. I wasn’t allowed to spend first Mother’s Day with DD as MIL forced us to go to hers and then sat holding my daughter all day. I have a younger child too who I feel I am closer to as I didn’t let mother in law interfere. I went back to my mums home for when I have birth so I feel I had previous 1:1 time. I feel so sad my daughter doesn’t love me, I wish she got excited when I went to pick her up like my youngest who runs to the door and cuddles me. What can I do to improve my relationship with DD?

DD also told me today that MIL is taking her on holiday during Easter! Nothing has been said to me or DH and Easter is in 2 weeks. I’m not letting DD go with her.

@Changechangychange
How is it ‘self-serving’? Sorry, I don’t get it. Yes no doubt with greater social leverage within marriage in the Uk, MILs can’t run rampant like they do in other cultures, but until laws change in those countries it will remain something that’s more difficult for DILs to deal with in said countries, than in countries where women can execute or threaten divorce easily

Being an abuser is not a ‘culture’, being a piece of shit is not ‘cultural’. Hope you can start plans to leave your shit husband and enjoy life, OP

[quote Burritogame]@Anon322168 how are you doing?[/quote]
I’m okay thanks. I’m ill with the flu. DH was around today so he took DD to school. He’s been huffing and puffing all day with how much he is doing for ME. I had to remind him he is DD’s father so it’s not just for me. I’m dreading tomorrow as he’s threatening not to take her to school. I feel very rough and am struggling getting out of bed. I got up today only to feed little one but he’s Sick too so he slept most of the day.

I feel I have to contact MIL tomorrow if DH refuses to take her. I’m feeling really low about everything. I know things seem worse when you’re sick so I’m focusing on getting myself and DS healthy.

I feel really angry at DH. In the past I’ve been more tolerant of his behaviour as everyone in his family jokes he’s been spoilt by MIL as he’s only son but I feel it’s not just his upbringing. I really do think there is some type of autism or empathy missing from him.

@Londondreams1

There’s an argument to be had that it’s not cultural and I’m sure British women have nightmare mother in laws too, but when you see a trait that repeats itself in people who are from a particular region (two women on this thread experiencing their MILs being expected to be called mum by their grandchildren!) then what can it be except culture?

I don’t think it’s cultural for Asian kids to call their grandmother ‘mama’.

There is a culture where some grandmothers are called ‘big mama/mother’, to differentiate from the actual mother.

But it’s clear that ‘big mother’ is the grandmother and the mother is mama.

Big mother isn’t just an Asian concept/term, it exists in the USA and many other countries.

You poor thing, this is horrible. Your daughter really loves you, she does, you're her mum. The MIL is obviously doing a constant number on her to make her turn to her first. Get the old bag away from her and that loser of a DH away from you. Have my first LTB!

Change the locks and don't give her a key to yiour new house, and stop spending so much time with her. You've obviously seen the benefit of that's it's your youngest so fo the same with your eldest. Use the word 'no'.

Your DH is a massive mummy's boy who won't ever stand up to his mum.This is largely due to laziness.He also won't help you with things eg tomorrow's school run because he knows his mum will be on hand to do his dirty work for him.

I'm surprised he's letting you both move away from a few doors down from his mum.Your MIL has no boundaries and your DH doesn't understand them.

Hi,. I too have a lot of understanding of these situations. My MIL was of this ill and the whole reporting back to people etc. Add in death threats too. 😢You have my sympathies. And ironically, on the face of it, the bhabhi from India, was treated even worse at the end of the day!

I think that some of the issue is that you're relying on MIL and not being self sufficient, which is what I think that you should be doing.

Today, if ill, take your daughter to school. You're the mum and don't get days off for being ill. As harsh as that sounds I was having an asthma attack yesterday collecting my child, so do practice what I preach.

Stop needing her. Let your husband be the one that facilitates the contact between her and the children.

Pick up your son from nursery yourself and collect your daughter from school.

Then you need to decide whether to continue with the marriage and make the bets of it. Or whether to move apart.

Given your community is so intertwined, as most are tbh, I wonder if the thing to do is proactively make friends outside of it. For example, within the religious community outside, or via groups or interests etc.

Some really big decisions ahead.

I’m so sorry OP. Your daughter does love you, but she’s being spoiled / egged on by this horrible woman. God knows what MIL is saying to her about you when you aren’t there, which will be why dd gets upset at pickup.

Your DH doesn’t care. The problem is the love has gone out of the marriage. If he loved you, he wouldn’t be threatening not to take his dd to school when you’re sick, and he would stand up to his mother when she bullies you. I do know that this type of behaviour is more common with Indian mother-in-laws where some women basically see their son’s wife as a slave who’s there to cook, clean and have sex with their son, while the MIL has all the power and control of the house and parenting. But that is a messed up dynamic and it being common in India does not mean it’s ok. Unless you live in rural India, you don’t have to accept it.

Short term, take your children to your mums (or elsewhere) at Easter. Don’t tell anyone exactly where you are so MIL can’t just turn up. Also are there any childcare options that don’t include MIL, like school wraparound care? Long term, make a plan to disentangle yourself from this horrible family. That will probably mean divorce unless your DH radically improves. Sorry.

You mention being in a community where everything gets back to her. Reach out to other communities and groups. Your son is still young enough that you can go to playgroups and make new friends. Perhaps join a church thet you know MIL won’t follow you to! Or any group that attracts you.

Good luck xxxxx

It's extremely difficult to comment because of the cultural element.

I understand we are treading a narrow line here but I also think it's important to distinguish cultural differences and the internalisation of patriarchy, where women find them selves grabbing what power they can, for example lording it over a DiL, perhaps because that was how they were treated.

I'm not sure UK was so very different, we lived outside UK when I was growing up, my mother told us girls some stories about how DiL were treated in uk, anytime we asked whether she was happy living 'abroad'

My parents moved from living next door to MiL to living in another country. She always said it had been for the best.

Hope you get the strength and support of your DH to move away too, @Anon322168 . And remember how you feel now and treat the next generation better. All the very best.

A rare LTB from me. That said, not easy to manage, or cut off, contact with MIL for DD after...

I come from an Asian background. Your MiLdoes it because your DH lets her. It's not normal, it's not part of the culture. It's simply a woman trying to keep her place in your DH,s life by sidelining you.

As hard as it is, he must choose. And you must also decide...is the relationship so important that it is ok for your daughter to disregard you? Today she is egged on, in a year,s time it will be normal behaviour.

Your husband disregards your feelings. Your MiL clearly does not care and both of them are directly and indirectly teaching your daughter to behave in this way. Only you can stop it.

@Anon322168 I am so sorry you are married to this childish, selfish man. He should be supporting you and not acting like he is doing you a favour when he cares for his own children, especially when you are ill.

You have had a really difficult childhood, and it sounds like you need some professional support to process what happened and the lack of support from your family. Even without the husband you have and his overbearing mother, it would be hard enough to cope with that. I am not surprised you are feeling low. If you are depressed, it is much harder to find the resolve and strength to overcome these challenges.

Please try and find some professional support for your mental health. If you google 'IAPT' and your city, it will tell you how to find mental health support you can self-refer to without going through your GP. Secondly, you can ask for advice from your local domestic abuse service. Your husband may not be hitting you but him and his mother are certainly controlling you. They can advise you on your options moving forward. They won't try and force you to make any decisions you're not ready for.

You do not deserve to live like this. Things can get better for you and your children.

Well today DD fell asleep on the way to MIL to pick up my little one. I tried waking her but she didn’t so I let her nap and went inside to collect DS.

First time I saw MIL since that incident last week. She straight away asked where DD was. I told her in the car napping and she literally ran to the car without putting on her shoes. She then comes in and says why did I send her to school when she’s so tired. I ignored her. She kept giving me dirty looks and OTT kissing my son. I know it’s her grandson but she was literally doing it so OTT, never usually does,

She mentioned the holiday next week and she’s taking DD. I told her she’s not as she’s still got another week in school. She gave me dirty look again. I said bye to her but she ignored me. I’ve really had enough of her.

driving home I was feeling a little guilty that I should have tried to be nicer and explained Easter hols don’t start yet. I’m thinking of changing DS’s nursery schedule so I don’t have to go to her home to pick him up, I will pick him up myself. I’m worried about the backlash this will cause.

Oh btw the holiday she’s leaving on Sunday, so Mother’s Day! She fully expected me to be okay with sending my daughter with her on Mother’s Day and thought nothing of it!

Stop having her pick your children up, that will just encourage her spending daily time with them. The fact she makes you feel bad for not asking her permission to take your daughter somewhere is indicative of a huge problem here. Moving away if that’s your plan will definitely help. My mother is nothing like this but was very interfering with my eldest child and I ended up moving 250 miles away which did improve our relationship. It was a relief that she never got that involved with DS2 and DD as we only saw her in holidays and she wasn’t needed for childcare; I paid for it and that was much better.

@ Darbs76. I could easily change DS schedule so I pick him up but issue is this will cause a big fight. She’ll see this as me trying to distance her grandchildren from her (which actually in a sense is true as I’m trying to limit my contact with her).