DD loves MIL more than me

[Anon322168]

Went to pick up my DD from MIL home and she starts crying and screaming she wants to stay there and not come home. MIL as usual laughs and claps her hands, then daughter starts hitting me and MIL continues laughing. I lost it and told her not to laugh and stop encouraging her bad behaviour. I just feel really sad that my daughter loves her more than me.

Not to drip feed so here’s the whole story - for context we’re Indian so MIL plays a huge role in our lives whether we like to or not. She’s very controlling, when I gave birth she was in the room straight away and took DD off me. I could never fully feed DD as she would just walk into my home with spare key and take her off me. Not even say hello just literally walk in and grab my baby. I kept getting told it’s normal and it’s what happens. DH never stood up for me. Even today I came home in tears and he told me to just get over it and if that’s my biggest problem I need to get a life.

It’s not the fact that DD was crying, it’s more MIL reaction of laughing and egging my daughter on to misbehave and hit me. Also not to drip feed I 100% feel I have not bonded with my daughter as I let MIL have too much control e.g. I wasn’t allowed to spend first Mother’s Day with DD as MIL forced us to go to hers and then sat holding my daughter all day. I have a younger child too who I feel I am closer to as I didn’t let mother in law interfere. I went back to my mums home for when I have birth so I feel I had previous 1:1 time. I feel so sad my daughter doesn’t love me, I wish she got excited when I went to pick her up like my youngest who runs to the door and cuddles me. What can I do to improve my relationship with DD?

DD also told me today that MIL is taking her on holiday during Easter! Nothing has been said to me or DH and Easter is in 2 weeks. I’m not letting DD go with her.

She doesn't love her more than you. You're her mother and she knows it. Maybe she's overtired and your mil is manipulating her. Have you thought anymore about it? I'd limit contact gradually and have more mother daughter time even if it means shopping for cheap toys regularly.

I'd try and get my daughter back on my side. Take her out shopping for clothes, go out to eat etc etc. Decrease the grandma time. If your husband says anything in one ear out the other.

I feel very sorry for you, however you need to now set some boundaries and be in charge of your childrens welfare and stop being dependent on MIL. Tell Husband that MIL has damaged relationship with child and enough is enough and you need his support.

His priority should be you and your family unit.

@apple93 ‘ . He still prefers his mum but calls mil "mama"

Very messed up

Thank you everyone. Just to be clear it’s the 7 year old that was hitting me. My 2 year old is a boy. So yesterday I came straight home after picking DD up from school. DH was home so I asked him to pick up our 2 year old don from MIL. He came back 3 hours later! Then headed back out to his mums as his uncle was there. I’ve got the flu at the moment so was really hard dealing with them both on my own. Spoke to DH when he came back (10pm) and he basically told me to F off and it’s not his problem dealing with the kids. That’s why I think I’m in this situation as MIL is the help I should be getting from DH.

I think I am really depressed right now with my whole life. I’ve been thinking a lot about MIL and the things she has done to me and can’t get over it. I keep having flashbacks of everything. I was married 3 weeks to DH and living with them and remember MIL got a phone call from a match maker trying to set up DH! Mil said he’s unfortunately married now and continued asking about the girl and she said she wished they’d called up before! This was all in front of me and she then took the girls number.

TRIGGER WARNING- I was sexually abused as a child which I stupidly shared with MIL and she has said a couple of times to DH she thinks I’m making it up. In regards to my mum I don’t really have a close relationship with her, we actually talk regularly but it’s very superficial and I know I would get zero support from my parents. My parents found out about the abuse years later when I was an adult as I confided in my sister as I was trying to protect my niece from the same fate. My parents tried to hush me up by saying no one will marry me if they found out and mum continued saying that’s why people shouldn’t have daughters. It’s just really sad as I spent my whole childhood fantasying about having a loving mother figure in the form of a MIL and being in a loving family which I have never had. That’s why I think I’ve let MIL get away with all her craziness as I haven’t had any loving/caring people in my life and have mistaken her controlling and manipulative behaviour as care for my DD.

East Asian family and lived there and experienced similar, compounded by my low socio-economic background roots... MIL snatched the baby away shortly after delivery, which I planned at home (the birth itself was beautiful- and then she came along and spoiled it all, almost, but not quite. I wouldn’t let her have that).
In a nutshell, take the threat seriously.

@Londondreams1 I am East Asian and this is not normal or “cultural.” Neither is OP’s experience. @Anon322168 if your DH won’t stick up for you then you need to stick up for yourself and your dc. This sounds abusive and you need to leave. I bet this will only get worse. You still have time to bond with your dc, but you need to leave your spineless dh (who doesn’t respect you) and keep your dc away from this toxic woman.

i could never fully feed DD as she would just walk into my home with spare key and take her off me

Uh no, that’s on you. What were you thinking?!

In the nicest possible way your family/in laws don’t care about you, they don’t even seem to like you…so what do you have to lose by leaving? You can’t possibly be more alone than you are already. You’ve already mentioned superficial relationships, you know you don’t have a real bond with any of them but are just playing happy families

I just think this situation will crop up time and time again and you have to decide whether the facade to others is worth it or not

I know many south Asian that do not treat their family like this, your experience is not normal.

It is def a cultural thing - I'm indian. I have experienced this to a lesser extent with my own mother. She's deluded into thinking she's the mother of her grandkids and she will do everything to undermine you and ignore you, try to raise your kids for you (and probably do a horrible job of it) and possibly even turn them against you.

First, you need to figure out if your husband is on your side or not. If he is on your side, taking steps to stand up to her and reduce contact significantly will be easier as you can both work as a team and come up with a plan. Tell him how you feel and how this behaviour is not going to be tolerated anymore and come up with a strict set of rules as to how you will both proceed with dealing with her. Unfortunately it sounds like he is not on your side. If so, it is up to you solely to protect your daughters from her. Can you imagine the next 10-20+ years of her influence on your daughters? If you do not put a stop to this, you and your kids will suffer immensely.

Change the locks and don't give her a key. Find alternative childcare. Block calls if you need to. Minimise contact. Place strict boundaries on what behaviours are acceptable and what is not and enforce them. Cut anyone out of your life that enables her behaviour or gaslights you into thinking you're the problem (this sadly includes your husband). Don't give a shit what anyone/the Indian society thinks of your choices.

Your daughters both love you. You are their mum. You are responsible for their lives. Don't let this go on any longer than it has. You know what you need to do and it's time to do it.

,,,@Anon322168 do you work?

I’m so sorry your family, sh and in laws have treated you so badly. You don’t have to be a perfect d-I-l or wife or mother. You are a person in your own right who deserves respect. Your daughter is seeing you be treated badly and is learning from those around her.

It’s time to put yourself first, for the sake of your children. I think you need to get out of the situation.

@PinkNails1 you’ll see I added that it wasn’t due to her culture, age or class, but just down to her personality. That being said , cultural factors are relevant, of course they are! Living in a country that frowns on foreigners getting custody, for example? Or a country where it’s prohibitively difficult for a woman to get a divorce ? Of course these cultural elements need to be factored in as they increase the MIL’s power

@Ossoduro2

My MIL is Asian (not Indian) and I’m white. She definitely assumed she’d be playing mum to my eldest when he was born and that I would take a back seat and do as I was told. Yes, perhaps in her culture that might have been acceptable, but it wasn’t in mine and so that isn’t what happened! It’s caused huge issues, massive fallings out. It was essential that I drew the line because I didn’t feel my child would be safe with her so I couldn’t allow her to be with him unsupervised. Had I thought he was safe I don’t think I would have stuck so firmly to my boundaries, I’d probably have given a bit to keep the peace. And give and inch she’d have taken a mile.

I understand how difficult it is, but you need to assert yourself. Just stop letting her have the kids. If you can’t get your key back then put a bolt on the inside of the front door that you can lock so she has to knock to get in if you’re home.

Don’t ask your DH, just tell him what is making you unhappy and what is going to change. Then let that sink in.

Same with mine!

She was adamant I was going to be submissive and let her be mama. She tried getting my daughter. Call her mama like the rest of her daughters kids. But I didn't allow it. Because of her foolish behaviour. She has 0 bond with my 4 year old and I never let her have alone time with her either!

She changed her tune massively with my second and been on her best behaviour.

I remember the shouting to my dh "AHH YOU MARRIED ENGLISH GIRL NOW YOU ACT LIKE ENGLISH BOY."

My husband was like "I didn't call my grandma mama why should my daughter call you mama . You are not her mama. Get over yourself"

They absolutely hated it lol!

@Anon322168 I’m so sorry to hear that your were abused as a child.

From your husbands comments last night it’s clear he does not have your back and I’m sorry for you. You now need to put yourself and your children first and start taking steps to leave him. Whether it’s culturally acceptable or not it is what you need to do.

Talk to friends/colleagues (I presume you work?). Contact local women’s support groups for advice. Others may be able to recommend support groups particularly for women from your cultural background.

Be strong, think of the life you will be able to give your children outside of this abusive relationship.

My husband was like "I didn't call my grandma mama why should my daughter call you mama . You are not her mama. Get over yourself"

And this goes to the heart of it. It isn’t “cultural” at all because they didn’t do it themselves, they are just demanding you do it because it’s what they want, and guilt tripping you to make you fall in line.

OP your MIL moved fucking continents to avoid her own MIL, she didn’t put up with any of this shit herself.

I couldn’t live like this. I’d leave with my child and not give forwarding information!

There’s an argument to be had that it’s not cultural and I’m sure British women have nightmare mother in laws too, but when you see a trait that repeats itself in people who are from a particular region (two women on this thread experiencing their MILs being expected to be called mum by their grandchildren!) then what can it be except culture?

Get your kids and get yourself back to your Mum’s. Regardless of culture, your husband and Mil are emotionally abusing you and this is going to compromise your children’s ability to form healthy relationships, both now and in the future.

When do you move house?

I am Indian. Your MIL will not change nor will your "D" H
I am much happier after I left him
Freedom has a price, I lost my home, my family doesn't like it that I left him. But its my life. Ive never been happier. Culture and traditions are all bollocks, they are always meant to subjugate a woman and rules never apply to a man. Just leave. I could as I had a job and was financially independent. Take control of your life.

I’m so sorry to read your update regarding your husband OP. He is not a good man. He shouldn’t speak to you like that or expect you to do all if the childcare. You are being abused. Please leave him. Take care.

You are in an abusive relationship, with your Dh and his mother.
You need to start making your plans to escape. Look up womens aid, they are very experienced, and will help.

@Anon322168 how are you doing?

@Londondreams1

There’s an argument to be had that it’s not cultural and I’m sure British women have nightmare mother in laws too, but when you see a trait that repeats itself in people who are from a particular region (two women on this thread experiencing their MILs being expected to be called mum by their grandchildren!) then what can it be except culture?

I can find umpteen threads on here from women whose white MIL (or her own mother) is trying to alienate her children from her. And the MILs themselves didn’t follow this apparent unbreakable cultural tradition… so I’d call it “self-serving hypocrisy” myself.