DD loves MIL more than me

[Anon322168]

Went to pick up my DD from MIL home and she starts crying and screaming she wants to stay there and not come home. MIL as usual laughs and claps her hands, then daughter starts hitting me and MIL continues laughing. I lost it and told her not to laugh and stop encouraging her bad behaviour. I just feel really sad that my daughter loves her more than me.

Not to drip feed so here’s the whole story - for context we’re Indian so MIL plays a huge role in our lives whether we like to or not. She’s very controlling, when I gave birth she was in the room straight away and took DD off me. I could never fully feed DD as she would just walk into my home with spare key and take her off me. Not even say hello just literally walk in and grab my baby. I kept getting told it’s normal and it’s what happens. DH never stood up for me. Even today I came home in tears and he told me to just get over it and if that’s my biggest problem I need to get a life.

It’s not the fact that DD was crying, it’s more MIL reaction of laughing and egging my daughter on to misbehave and hit me. Also not to drip feed I 100% feel I have not bonded with my daughter as I let MIL have too much control e.g. I wasn’t allowed to spend first Mother’s Day with DD as MIL forced us to go to hers and then sat holding my daughter all day. I have a younger child too who I feel I am closer to as I didn’t let mother in law interfere. I went back to my mums home for when I have birth so I feel I had previous 1:1 time. I feel so sad my daughter doesn’t love me, I wish she got excited when I went to pick her up like my youngest who runs to the door and cuddles me. What can I do to improve my relationship with DD?

DD also told me today that MIL is taking her on holiday during Easter! Nothing has been said to me or DH and Easter is in 2 weeks. I’m not letting DD go with her.

You need to replace the childcare she offers. Find a childminder who can have your DD when she's off school. If you can afford it.
I'm Indian, single mum (divorced) and money is tight but I'd rather pay for childcare than give my parents any control over my DD (and they are nowhere near this bad!)

Your biggest problem is your DH.
Its time to stop blaming the culture (not you, more so your DH and family), and be realistic. This isn't poor village behaviour any more. Your kids are your kids, your home is your private space, get rid of spare keys, and take back control from your MIL. Take your DD to an after school activity rather than mils, or do a Disney night together at home. Anything to just get some time back with your DD that she also can look forward to.
If your DH thinks you're being selfish, or distancing the kids from their 'dear' grandparents, tell HIM to grow a pair and stop relying on HIS mum for everything like a big man baby.

On a practical note re leaving the key in the lock: for quite a few modern doors you can still turn the key with one in the other side. However, this doesn't apply when the keys on the inside are really heavy: essentially the outer key has to turn them too and it's just unfeasible if you have a janitor style bunch of keys on the inside of the door.

Thank you everyone for the advice and sharing your own personal stories. I agree I need to reduce contact ( like I have been doing). I feel it’s always someone trying to manipulate me to be the perfect DIL. Ive had enough of them all.

OP remember also that your actions are setting a precedent for your daughter. If you allow her to see you being manipulated and stepped on, she will accept the same behaviours from others when she grows up. Do you want that?

Best of luck to you, I see that you are going to reduce contact which will hopefully help.

Op I'm Indian and I don't think this is normal. Your whole situation sounds incredibly enmeshed, as she's your mil I'd be expecting hubby to step in and I'd hope he has your back. In all honesty though from experience of other families I've seen this play out in you're going to need to put up very firm non negotiable boundaries. Matriachs of the family are always super hard and I say this from experience of watching my grandparents and their interactions with daughters in laws etc.

Just read @FridaynightCry post couldn't agree more with what she said.

DD also told me today that MIL is taking her on holiday during Easter! Nothing has been said to me or DH and Easter is in 2 weeks. I’m not letting DD go with her.

If your DD has a passport, I'd be hiding it.

So your 7 year old started hitting you encouraged by MIL, or have I read that wrongly and it was your 2 year old? Not that that's any better obviously, but with a 7 year old it would be a clearly be a different conversation needed than if it was a little one.

It's abuse. DH is your biggest problem.

@Anon322168 ‘ What’s your relationship with your child like now as they’ve gotten older?’

DD and I are ... fine. But I won’t go into details about how the situation exploded into a disaster because of MIL, because I didn’t nip it in the bud and, like you, I didn’t have my husband on side. He chose his mother. If you are in the Uk, take advantage of the divorce laws here, even if you don’t actually go through with it, it gives you leverage .
And I agree with the poster who said hide the passport if she has one. It’s a type of insanity where these women can’t accept they are now grandmothers and won’t allow anybody to knock them off their perch. It’s so weird as MIL had other grandchildren, but more importantly SHE’S HAD HER TURN!
I was very kind for ages (felt she must’ve been through similar with her MIL) but the kindness was misplaced. Your body goes into fight or flight and if not careful that can turn into depression, so the threat is not benign. Just take real steps to get here out of your life ASAP.

Put in some boundaries!

Discuss time limits with your DH first, then just tell MIL. Don't argue with her just repeat this is what suits us as a family and variations eg this is what works for us. Be prepared for the tantrums but don't budge.

Or cut back gradually without announcing it. BE ill/DD bit off/running too late/DD got playdate etc - come up with excuses to miss contact ti,e.

And make alternative arrangements for childcare.

Notwithstanding of other issues, if your youngest is 2, then she does not love MIL more than you. Both of my kids from age 2-4 (older with DS) always went to my mum super-ethusiastically, cried every time they left my mum's house or my mum left our house, and never cried when I left them anywhere - I never thought for a moment they loved me less than her, it's just she wasn't the person with them every day and that's why they didn't want her to go/to leave her.

But as for the other stuff, yes, that really needs addressing. But please don't worry too much about your relationship with DD - kids are often extra reactive about other close relatives, it doesn't mean you are second best to her.

Was it your older DD hitting you, or your younger? Either way, MIL was being shitty.

You sound isolated and unsupported tbh, your DH should have more backbone to stand up to his mother. She being contemptuous towards you and not giving you the respect you deserve. As if you were just the means to produce grandchildren, not a full person.

Move away, find some friends and hobbies, see if you can make things better with DH. It's unacceptable for MIL to do things like planning holidays without asking you first. You need more distance.

This is absolutely outrageous but you have allowed it to happen.
You need to start putting your foot down. I married into a different culture and my MIL tried this crap and i was having non of it.
They absolutely dislike me but tbh i don't care....

OP, that sounds incredibly rough. It would help you to spend some quality time with your DD. Take her to the pictures, to a cafe (my DDs love a cafe) to the park, create a home cinema night with popcorn, really anywhere and try and carve time out to do it regularly. She loves you. She is being led by your MIL. You need to reduce her toxic influence.
Secondly, yes to boundaries! If you can find a way to put some in and don’t move them then do. Essentially every time your MIL oversteps, like encouraging your DD to hit you, theres a consequence for her. If you can find alternative childcare that’s great. I get it might not be be possible. You have a DH problem. Tell him you deserve respect from his MIL and if he can’t back you up he can live there.
Lastly, you need people. Make some friends. Chat to women wherever, join a book club, exercise class, chat to school mums. Get yourself a support system. You sound lovely and you’ve got this. X

Also, stop feeling guilty about trying to cut out your MIL and find your anger. You are being treated appallingly by then both.

@Anon322168, not to scare you but you need to do something about this now. I was your dd, grew up in an Indian house with controlling grand mother, today 40 years later, I have resentment towards my mother for letting my grand mother control, manipulate me. My mother decided to focus completely on my younger sibling and my sibling and I had such different upbringing. Nobody can love a child like a mother, not even a grand mother. Your MIL is selfish, she interfered at a time you were to bond with your child. No matter how much she bribes your daughter, one day your daughter will feel the resentment for not being close to you like her sibling.
My grandmother loved me but in a controlling way and punished me harshly when I didnt obey her weird demands. I hope you will not let dd get manipulated by her.

And yes it is a cultural things. While there are supportive MILs in Indian culture, most are controlling and feel they have earned their position in the family hierarchy, and have little respect for DILs. Take your spare key back from her.

Both you and your children are in an abusive relationship.

You either accept it or reach out to Women's aid for support.

This is an awful confusing environment for your child.

Time to get support and get away.

OP this is SO WRONG! Have you ever been able to stand up for yourself, or are you someone who is afraid of confrontation? If that's the case, may I suggest you read this www.thechelseapsychologyclinic.com/uncategorised/how-to-stand-up-for-yourself/

I also think that you should take the bull by the horns and next time you see MIL, say 'what's this I hear about you taking DD on holiday over Easter?' Hear her out, and then if you're not happy about what she's got planned, say 'I'm not happy to let you do that, (DD's name) is not going on holiday with you, she is going to spend that time doing other things'. You don't need to explain yourself, just repeat parrot fashion when MIL says 'what other things', you say 'just other things, that's all you need to know, I don't need to explain myself, I've made my decision, and that's all there is to it, and it will be no good you going to DH, because it's just not going to happen, I'm her Mother and have made my decision, if you don't like it, then perhaps we should think about whether it's a good idea for you to keep seeing DD'. Then grab the children and leave. Ignore whatever she says, just go. Oh, and before you do all this, be sure and hide both children's passports if they have them, really think carefully and hide them where there's no way your DH will look for them. If he doesn't cook, maybe the back of a food cupboard, behind a load of tins or something like that, or even take them to work and leave them there, which may be the safest place. Please take notice of this OP, otherwise it's quite likely that MIL will literally take your child/children, and do what she wants regardless. I know it will be hard to stand up to her and your husband, maybe you can tell him before you even broach it with her that you're not going to allow your child/children to go away with their grandparents, and if he goes behind your back and agrees to it, it will be the end of your marriage. DO NOT let this foul woman ruin your life and that of your children! You're a grown up now, and it's your job to stand up for your kids, you wouldn't let a stranger walk off with them, so treat MIL as if she's a stranger and means them harm, it may bring out your inner tiger!! Please feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to.

OP - I am Indian and like @Kaleidoscope2 I won’t hesitate to tell you this is not normal or ok!

It’s not so much the presence/contact (that’s pretty standard for the culture) but your MIL disrespectfully snatching your child, undermining you etc

I think you need to tackle this with your DH taking the lead

One point: did your MIL have her own MIL around wheh she was raising kids? If not this is a point you can push back on

You MUST put a stop to this: she sounds immature and unhinged frankly

You have a dh problem. He will act just as usual wherever you live. I'd divorce him and never see your mil again.

Which city do you live OP?

Your dd is 7. She might also be reactivating negatively towards you if she is picking on the fact that her little baby sibling is giving mummy so much attention and noticed the bond.

She loves you more. I watched my MIL do this with my SIL eldest. He still prefers his mum but calls mil "mama"

Reduce the time asap.
Don't worry if they moan.
Start doing special things with your dd and STOP ASKING FOR PERMISSION.

Totally agree with @FridaynightCry's post! 👏👏

My MIL is Asian (not Indian) and I’m white. She definitely assumed she’d be playing mum to my eldest when he was born and that I would take a back seat and do as I was told. Yes, perhaps in her culture that might have been acceptable, but it wasn’t in mine and so that isn’t what happened! It’s caused huge issues, massive fallings out. It was essential that I drew the line because I didn’t feel my child would be safe with her so I couldn’t allow her to be with him unsupervised. Had I thought he was safe I don’t think I would have stuck so firmly to my boundaries, I’d probably have given a bit to keep the peace. And give and inch she’d have taken a mile.

I understand how difficult it is, but you need to assert yourself. Just stop letting her have the kids. If you can’t get your key back then put a bolt on the inside of the front door that you can lock so she has to knock to get in if you’re home.

Don’t ask your DH, just tell him what is making you unhappy and what is going to change. Then let that sink in.