AIBU to ask if you would send your 8 year old on a residential if they didn’t want to go?

[Annoyedandirritated]

8 yo son never slept anywhere before, never had sleepovers with grandparents etc. He’s a pretty anxious child

School have a 2 day residential holiday and he’s the only one in the class not going.

Husband wants to force him to go, I say no wait till he’s older.

Also, are you sure he is not the only child going? DD said everyone was going in her class but spoke to a parent about it at the weekend from a different class and they said at least half not going.

On the fence a bit here with an 8 yo.
Has been invited to a 4 night cub camp. Really doesn’t want to go so not pushing it.
But if it was a school thing for 2 nights and everyone else was going I would be trying my hardest to get him to go. I don’t think I could force though.
He has often been to his grandparents so at the end of the day I know he would be fine but he is a bit of a homebody

YANBU, I absolutely wouldn’t force him but I would try to talk about his anxieties - ie is there something specific that he’s worried about that could be resolved in some way, or is he just not ready/doesn’t want to? If the latter then that’s fine.

Mine was anxious about a cinema trip in yr 2 and didn't go. But she had a fantastic day "helping" in reception and remembers it even now.

@mojoj could you be anymore entitled? I would love to leave my kids at grandparents. But they're dead. So I can't. I'm clearly a terrible mother.

No I wouldn't, my 8yr old has autism and ADHD and he's still quite young for 8. He's never spent the night away anywhere, he wont even go to sleep in his own room most nights unless I'm up there too. Our school hasn't done any residential trips yet, my 10yr old daughter would probably jump at the chance but I honestly don't know if her brother would want to go or not. I wouldn't force him if he didn't want to though, in fact I'd probably be relieved if he didn't want to.

No way would I be letting an 8 year old go stay overnight at any residential. I personally think it is far too young. Could he not go for the day and you collect him is that an option or is it too far away. Do not send him if he is adamant he does not want to go as he is not ready. Every child is different and here they did not do residential stay overs but day trips. My son so much older now so maybe things have changed. Listen to your child though and do not let your husband force him to go.

No way. I never did residential until I was 14 and chose myself. I never stayed anywhere but my parents as i was extremely anxious. Very glad my parents didnt force me

Thanks all, lots of food for thought!

Unfortunately we have no grandparents willing to have sleepovers, hence why it’s never happened before!

I’m going to suggest he goes and I pick him up if he really hates it, I think that’s a good compromise

I’m going to suggest he goes and I pick him up if he really hates it, I think that’s a good compromise smile

Will he be able to let you know that he wants to go home? Especially at night?

I’m going to speak with the teachers and make a plan to phone each evening if possible

Can you not collect him at night time ? I offered my ASD son that at the same age , he did so much better knowing He had a safety net

Our school do a one night residential in Year 2, two nights in year 5. The stuff they do with them is awesome and all the kids rave about it.

No I wouldn't li

As a teacher I have seen how even the most nervous of children have benefitted hugely attending residentials. BUT mainly 10/11 year olds for 3 or more nights, which is very different.

I wouldn’t force them as it could make the situation worse. Would there be any way of encouraging them to stay away and gradually build from a short night, to a lengthier stay, building up to a second night? Not for this residential but short stays away can be fun and are a part of growing up.

There will be plenty of school trips over the years. Get this one wrong and he might go on none of them!
Do you want his first school trip memories to be of crying, feeling like he has no voice and have a horrible time?
His 8, and stating he doesn't want to go. Listen to him, let him know you will always listen to him.

My 8yo DS (suspected asd/pda) had a residential trip earlier this year. He was adamant he wasn't going to stay so I arranged to collect him each evening and take him back for breakfast (it was only half an hours drive away.) However I let both him and school know I'd have a bag packed and ready to bring to him if he changed his mind and wanted to stay.

He ended up staying for the whole thing, I think having a safety net helped with his anxiety around it and it was easier for him to change his mind and stay than to have to call me to pick him up.

I think sending but with an agreement to pick up if needs be is a good idea. It’s what we are doing with DD1. I hope she sticks it out, because I know she will be disappointed with herself afterwards if she doesn’t.

Your husband should not "force" your son to do anything that he is uncomfortable with. I see he says YOU should force him.
Would he like to be bullied like that? Or maybe he was and is going to make the same parenting mistakes?
Good idea to let him go in the day (if he wants to) and collect at night though.

No definitely don’t force him