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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask if you would send your 8 year old on a residential if they didn’t want to go?

120 replies

Annoyedandirritated · 17/03/2022 17:06

8 yo son never slept anywhere before, never had sleepovers with grandparents etc. He’s a pretty anxious child

School have a 2 day residential holiday and he’s the only one in the class not going.

Husband wants to force him to go, I say no wait till he’s older.

OP posts:

OutlookStalking · 17/03/2022 18:50

Mojo absolute rubbish!!

Lots of families don't have grandparents or willing grandparents or grandparents nearby. Are you aware of that? There's no need to be amazing at sleepovers at 8. One of mine did with brownies but wouldnt have at school (not offered so not a problem) other wouldn't enjoy a sleepover with friends and waited til they were 10. Does it matter? Others might have their first sleepover at yr 6 camp. Thats fine! Older and better able to handle it. Why would they "need" to be able to do it at 8, when most schools dont do that. How strange!

OutlookStalking · 17/03/2022 18:53

And why does he need to "build up confidence" at 8?! 8 is still young for friend sleepovers and many dont do them at that age. Im sure they'll be happy to when they're older.

Some posts on here are really strange to me! Or maybe just with grandparenrs and used to kids sleeping away so can't see outside their bubble?

cherryonthecakes · 17/03/2022 18:55

I wouldn't force it.
I'd be hoping he was ready by year 6 but 8 years old is young.

I'm guessing that your son understands that everyone else is going and will be talking about it ?

godmum56 · 17/03/2022 18:55

How would your husband feel if you forced him to do something?

Nelliephant1 · 17/03/2022 18:57

Absolutely not. None of mine ever wanted to do residentials and didn't. It didn't hold them up for a second.

LondonWolf · 17/03/2022 18:58

No I wouldn't and didn't.

NessieMcNessface · 17/03/2022 18:58

It depends on the level of reluctance shown by your son. If he is very agitated and distressed
about going to the point of almost making himself unwell I would definitely not send him. My parents made me go to stay with relatives when I was eight for a few nights and refused to allow me to come home even though I was in a terrible state, hysterical for many hours at night and begging them to come to get me. I will never forget the intensity of my homesickness; it was like having a never ending panic attack. My Mum thought making me stay would teach me to cope away from home; it didn’t. It was the start of an intense period of severe separation anxiety, which has had a life long impact. However, you know your son and are the best judge when it comes to making this decision; I realise my case was an extreme one and that your circumstances are totally different.

GabriellaMontez · 17/03/2022 19:02

Why does he want to force him?

Couple of years and he'll be desperate to go. What's the hurry?

8 seems young for this kind of trip.

MajorCarolDanvers · 17/03/2022 19:04

I wouldn't force it but I would do everything I could to encourage. Practice sleepovers with relatives or friends. Get him into Cubs.

Residentials are such a good experience for children and he will really miss out by not going.

AnnaSW1 · 17/03/2022 19:08

No I wouldn't

Fairisleflora · 17/03/2022 19:09

I have a child who was like this. Highly anxious. Treated by CAMHS. The camp was when he was 10 and I made him. I didn’t want him to see that anxiety had won. It did him a lot of good. Likewise I ALWAYS made him go to school when he didn’t want to as he was worried. It was definitely the way to go. At 8 though I might be less fortright.

OutlookStalking · 17/03/2022 19:15

Major - given that most schools dont do residentials at 8 what will he "really miss out" on by not going at 8? What is there that cant be done in yr 6 (or even later?) .

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 17/03/2022 19:16

@Annoyedandirritated do you know what provision school will make for him if he stays behind? Will that make a difference to him?

Eight is young and I think that you know your child best. I think important to discuss it and that he is not getting a lifelong opt out clause for uncomfortable things-but that this one might not be right for him right now. He will know you are listening and have his back.

Are there options for him to join in for a day and then be collected?

I would def explore all the options and see how much flexibility there is-be encouraging but I also would not force him to go against his will.

MajorCarolDanvers · 17/03/2022 19:19

@OutlookStalking
They will really miss out by being the only child not going.

They will miss out on the experiences that their classmates have
Residentials are evidenced to be positive life-skill learning experiences for children of all ages and after the last 2 years anything that we can do for our children and young people to regain what they have lost is to be encouraged.

MoneyMoneyMoneyMustBefunny · 17/03/2022 19:20

Is it close enough so you can collect if he's not happy?

SpiderinaWingMirror · 17/03/2022 19:20

It's not a lower school is it? Youngest dd was at a lower school and they did 4 nights away in year 4 cos it was the top year. She went and hated it.
We moved and she went to a primary which did pgl in year 6 and she had the time of her life!

Ameanstreakamilewide · 17/03/2022 19:30

I wouldn't be letting my husband bully the kid into submission.

As a PP mentioned, I wouldn't destroy the trust my son has in me.

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/03/2022 19:33

@Mojoj

I would strongly encourage him to go. And, I have to say, this is what happens when kids are not encouraged to sleepover at grandparents etc from a young age. They never learn how to sleep apart from their parents . It doesn't foster independence and self reliance. He will miss out on all the fun because he's too scared to be away from his mummy.

Not everyone has grandparents who are able or willing to do overnights.

We don't.

3/4 gp are sadly dead

4th my dad loves and adores dd, but an hour of her company is enough /tires him plus very deaf so if dd woke in the night he wouldn’t hear her

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/03/2022 19:34

Saying that 8 seems young but I would say take him but will collect if wants to come home at night

But needs to do the day stuff

How much is the trip

How many nights away

How far away from school

HoldingTheDoor · 17/03/2022 19:35

*They will really miss out by being the only child not going.

They will miss out on the experiences that their classmates have
Residentials are evidenced to be positive life-skill learning experiences for children of all ages and after the last 2 years anything that we can do for our children and young people to regain what they have lost is to be encouraged.

BS. Children are all individuals so many may benefit but others won't. As mentioned earlier, I certainly didn't benefit from mine. As an autistic and dyspraxic child who was badly bullied, it was hell and I hated every minute of it, especially having to spend even more time with my bullies.

Underfrighter · 17/03/2022 19:37

I had a similar situation, we said we wouldnt force but we did talk through anxieties...they decided to go, but what swung it was us saying we would go pick her up straight away if they wanted to come home, but more so we talked about how they might feel when all their friends were away and they had to go into school and get looked after by a teacher who wasnt their normal teacher and not have anyone to go to lunch with etc

BigRedDuck · 17/03/2022 19:38

Residential trip here next week for Yr 4 (presume your age group or maybe oldest of yr3?)
Several children are not going due to anxiety about sleeping away. Effects of covid extremely apparent. Several children going for the day and then parents collecting to sleep at home, and then back.
I have strongly encouraged DD although she is very worried about it.

Is it local to you OP? I am taking DD to the place this weekend to show her how close to home she is, that might help your DSs worries?

Halllyup17 · 17/03/2022 19:39

No, don't force him. My daughter decided not to go on a residential trip in year 5 and she had a fab time at school doing stuff they wouldn't usually do. He's got plenty of time to do these things in the future.

ChessMaster3000 · 17/03/2022 19:39

No. I went on a residential at 10. Was nervous but talked into it. Hated every minute. Cried constantly. Miserable and homesick. I went on a much longer residential at 11 and loved it, it was the best holiday of my life and I had an amazing time. Some kids just take longer to be ready to do that stuff than others.

TopSecretSquirrel · 17/03/2022 19:40

I wouldn’t force him. There will be lots of opportunity to go and do this with confidence as he grows up.

My sons primary school were always so accommodating with this kind of thing. The residentials weren’t usually that far away so some children didn’t stay overnight and were collected by their parents on an evening then returned after breakfast the next day. I think it was probably a variety of reasons - nervous about staying overnight, bedwetting… It worked out so well - none of the kids questioned who was doing what and everyone enjoyed themselves.

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